"That's good hopping"

I'm reading Guess How Much I Love You while I let the hot oil treatment work through my 'locks. There's a line in the book that reads, "That's good hopping, thought Little Nutbrown Hare. I wish I could hop like that."

I don't know why, I think "that's good hopping" is funny. The way Los Gatos (the town in California) and Fish Rubbings are funny. Tee hee funny, you know? I'm going to try and incorporate that line into my everyday speech.

Just thought I would share.

Mood Update

My mood is greatly improved from yesterday. The primary reason is that the water pressure has been restored. I finally had a trickling of hot water at eleven o'clock last night...so I instantly washed all the dishes and watered my plants. At one am, there was hot water in the shower, so I immediately took a shower. Oh...I took a shower yesterday morning in the super's apartment in the basement which is freakin' HUGE, but there was no hot water in his place, so I had to take a cold one. As of right now, we still have water. This afternoon, I am doing my laundry and washing my hair because I don't want to risk putting it off. You don't realize how precious something is until it's gone.

I also got fantastic Christmas presents from my mom. The chair in the picture above is as old as I am. My mom got it as a present when she brought me home from the hospital. I always loved this chair because it was the one thing in the house that fit me perfectly. I sat in that chair and read. When my mom would do my hair, I sat in that chair. Ever since I bought my place, I've been pestering my mom to let me have it. She's always resisted. But this year, she shipped it to me for Christmas. It makes me so happy just to look at it. I was that small, you know? Strange...

My mom also got me Guess How Much I Love You by Sam McBratney. It's a children's book, but isn't it funny how often children's books can be so insightful for adults? My mom is very good at getting me those kinds of books. When I broke up with an old boyfriend, she got me The Missing Piece by Shel Silverstein. Guess How Much...refers to night a while ago when I was contemplating suicide and I called her at one in the morning. I was crying hysterically and I kept asking her to tell me that she loved me...so she did, over and over. My mom wrote a wonderful inscription that makes me cry everytime I read it.

I love my presents. I love having running water.

I'm in a much better mood.

Inspiration in Cyberspace

So I read this great post by Melissa, a New Yorker...well, actually she's from PA and now she lives in Miami, but really hates it and wants to move back to New York...or PA. But she's in love and she has a dog and really great stories to tell about the Miami bus system. I dig her because she's a Virgo and has lived in Brooklyn like me! and when I called her out on a post, she responded with respect and openness. Not one iota of defensiveness.

Anywhoo...

She wrote this great essay about memory and what influences how we feel about a particular time in our lives. I won't summarize...go read it for yourself and make her hit counter go up. It was very lovely and made me think about how I'm approaching this end/beginning on New Year's Eve Eve.

I spent most of this fall and winter in the past. I guess 'tis the seasons to contemplate what has been. In doing so, I also recreated my present and shaped my future. I dealt with the trauma of an abusive relationship and a dysfunctional childhood. And I added fulfilling activities into my life that nourish me. I faced my mother with what Christmas has been for me in her home. And began a new Christmas tradition -hopefully- in mine. I consider myself a Buddhist, but it's always wonderful to be reminded there is balance in the universe.

This year has dealt blows to many of us: from devastation that we all witnessed, to personal tragedies that only a few of us will know of. And there has also been victories, both great and small. Hooray to the death of the Republican Party! Melissa's question is a good one: how does one remember a year? Though Jonathan Larson had one answer..."measure in love" I think that it's really our choice on how we remember 2005...or any year, for that matter. Because there is balance always in all things...it just depends on what we allow ourselves to take in.

Bad Mood

I've been in a bunch of different moods over the past few months...many of them not so fun. I've been depressed, sad, hurt, scared, anxious, desperate, tired, etc. However, the one mood I have not been in is bad. Throughout all of this, I have not been in a bad mood.

Until yesterday.

The thing that put me in a bad mood yesterday is the thing that has kept me in a bad mood today...there is no water in my apartment!

For some reason or another, the super is often shutting down the water. He schedules the water shutdown in the middle of a work day always so the least amount of people will be affected. And he always turns it back on when he says he will. I respect that. I know this is a prewar building and that it takes a lot to maintain it. And I like our super...I really do.

Yesterday was different. At two o'clock, I go to turn on the water. I hadn't woken up in time to shower before the shutoff went into effect. There is no water. I call the super. He says he just turned on the water, so give it a second. So I do...still no water. At three o'clock I call again. He says that he has water down in the basement, so it's just taking a bit to move up to my floor. He tells me to turn on all my faucets to facilitate moving the water up. At four o'clock I call again and make him come up to my apartment and make sure there's nothing wrong with my pipes. He talks to my neighbors and discover that water is only getting to the second floor. At five o'clock I have to kick him out of my apartment because I'm going to be late for my therapy appointment. I still have no water at this point. I brush my teeth and wash my face with some bottled water I had bought at the movies the day before. I put on a BUNCH of deodorant and hope for the best.

Then...this morning. I woke up at nine o'clock, check the faucets. There is water! Hooray! I use the bathroom and flush the toilet. Then I make my big mistake...I go back to bed. I wake up again at ten thirty and use the bathroom again...no water. Nothing coming out of the shower, a trickle coming out of the faucet. I call the super again. He's not answering the phone.

I'm going to have to trek to my gym to use the showers there. It's a Bally's gym, so they don't provide you with anything...not even a towel. I need to wash my hair, but I have 'locks so there is a whole process involving gel and hot oil treatments. I can't do that in the gym shower. On top of that, I have dishes in the sink I can't wash. I've got a Christmas tree I can't water. I've got laundry I need to do...so much so that my laundry bag is too big for my New York cart so I'm going to have to bring it the laundromat in shifts.

I am in a bad mood.

But there is balance in the universe...my mom told me that my Christmas presents are arriving today.

Positive Things in My Life

I think it's important to remind oneself about positive stuff that's occurring in one's life, especially if you are the one making it happen. So...

1. I am taking piano lessons. My teacher is very demanding, but he believes that I can handle it. Right now I'm learning fingering of scales and arpeggios. I have to go buy music books.

2. My step-grandfather sent me a Christmas check for $50.

3. I am going to make a chicken stew to bring to work for lunch.

4. I decided that I'm not going to graduate school in January. Instead I'm taking Beginning Sign Language and a writing class entitled "Illness as Odyssey."

5. I'm going to get a dog probably in January or February.

6. I think I am almost caught up on my winter movies. King Kong is next.

7. My best friend loves my Type A personality.

8. I bought The Artist's Way tonight and I know it was a very good purchase.

9. I got stuck in my building's elevator tonight and I didn't panic. In fact, I figured out a way to get myself out.

10. I have an appointment tomorrow to meet with a representative from Social Circles. Creating structure is very important, so I am creating scenarios that will get me out of the house.

Absence Makes the Heart...

Jeez! It's been forever since I've written on this blog. It got pretty busy around the holiday once I realized that I actually had to buy presents for friends and family. Then the transit strike happened and I got anxious and depressed. More on that later. On top of it all, my internet connection has been spotty at best.

But I'm back on track. I am in the middle of my last week of my leave. Last week I was considering extending it because I felt so unready to return to work, but this week I feel more confident. I need to start practicing using all the tools I've learned these past few weeks. I am feeling much better: my medication is finally stabilized although I have very intense, very strange dreams that I vividly remember, so I'm not getting a good night's sleep, I haven't thought about suicide in weeks and weeks, I'm not having anxiety and/or panic attacks, when I do feel anxiety I know exactly what to do. Though I know that I'm changed from what I'm dealing with, I feel back more myself. It will be interesting to see what happens when I return to work.

Big news...well, big for me. I spent my first Christmas in my new home away from my family. It's not the first time I haven't spent Christmas in Boston but the other times I was traveling. This is the first time I just didn't go anywhere. I was scared of what my mom was going to say, so scared in fact that I had to email her my decision. I didn't have the nerve to say it over the phone. I would end up lying...Yeah Mom, I'll probably get there Friday night. After she read the email and called me it took me two days to call her back. It ended up being all right and actually turned into a really positive conversation, but boy was I nervous! I learned a great deal about my mom and grandmother in that conversation...that's for another post.

Christmas was wonderful. I had six friends over for dinner: roasted chicken, stir fry, mashed potatoes, my famous macaroni-and-cheese, green beans, salad, rolls...and wine. Lots and lots of wine. We all sat around my coffee table and laughed and ate and drank. We took pictures, danced to "The Charlie Brown Christmas" soundtrack, played Cranium, opened presents and drank some more. In my own mind, I considered it a celebration of the birth of my new self. I knew at the end of that night that I was ready to re-enter my life. Especially since now I have tons of leftovers!

Realizations

So last night I saw an old friend from grad school...one I hadn't seen in years. It's amazing how the more things change, the more they stay the same. Though we both have gone through a lot in the time since we last saw each other, it felt comfortable, familiar. We were able to talk about old times in a new way since we were removed from them. I definitely learned some things...

Discovered something else...I know Bright Eyes. That was a strange experience. We've been reading each other's blogs for a while and never knew that we already knew each other. When we interacted last night, I felt like I was doing so in a different way. And the fact that she has read personal information about me is a strange fact to know. All three of us are connected in two specific ways, one of them being blogs, and yet we didn't discuss our blogs at all...it was as if they didn't exist. I realized that I don't discuss my blog with anyone that I know reads it. I wonder why that is...

Yet another realization...I'm getting better. I wasn't anxious while I was getting ready to go out, didn't have a panic attack as I walked out the door. I haven't had what the IOP therapists call "a dark thought" in weeks. I'm making decisions to slow down and simplify my life and it feels good.

The Whole Blog Thing IV

Sometimes I read all that I've written in the two blogs I've created and wonder what type of person do I seem like. This blog is not like the ones I enjoy reading in that it's specific to one very difficult thing ...same holds true for my last blog. But there is a lot of other stuff going on with me...good and bad. Piano lessons, guy stuff, my first Christmas tree, crazy Saturday nights where I didn't end up partying anywhere, yet didn't get home until 2am. I should have totally just stayed home! It just doesn't feel as fulfilling to blog about those things. I have a need to blog about the IOP, the medication, the doctors, the trauma. I think that if I didn't write it down, I might not tell anyone any of it...so scared am I of what I dealing with and what people may think about it. Writing it here so that everyone can see makes it less powerful, less scary.

And I need all the less scary I can get these days.

Why This Out-of-Body Experience was Different

It's hard to explain...whenever my therapist and I are getting close to some sort of psychological injury, usually connected to my childhood and usually one that I can't remember, I have a sort of...out of body experience. I know how this sounds, but don't laugh. I revert back to a very scared little girl. My voice goes into a higher octave and becomes very quiet. I start to look up, as if everything I'm referencing is much taller than me. And I'm always crying...always. I know I'm in my therapist's office, but it's a different form of me there. When it first happened, I would lose myself completely in this little girl and my therapist would have to really talk me back into myself. These days, the 31-year-old is a lot more present and I can talk myself back.

The fact that I have these experiences doesn't upset me in the least anymore. I understand that it's a sign of some discovery. My therapist does a good job of keeping me in a safe space and helps ground me in the present. I won't say I'm "okay" directly afterward, but I usually bounce back in a day or so.

So...this happened on Wednesday. We were talking about how the words "fear" and "scared" permeate almost all discussions I have about myself. I'm always "scared" of something or someone or some event. We were talking about how fear must have been a major emotion when I was a child. We talked about some everyday events I experienced that were actually quite harrowing. We talked about how I never thought anything of them...on a conscious level.

My therapist asked me to say something angry toward those that put me in harm's way and I became a little girl instantly. I was beyond scared...I was petrified. She started to say some angry things and I had to cover my ears so I wouldn't hear them. I was rocking and crying. My throat closed up with a pain that was so intense! My mouth would open but no sound would come out. I felt someone's hands on my neck, not strangling me, but pulling my chin forward in a forceful way. I don't remember ever being that scared...which is I guess, the point.

So now I'm nervous. Something happened to me as a child. I have no idea what it was, but whatever it was, it scared the sh*t out of me. There are the typical answers: rape, incest, physical abuse by a parent. For some reason those don't ring true for me. My parents may have been inadequate in their child-rearing, but they did not abuse me. Something else happened with someone else.

The strange thing is - and the thing that my therapist thinks is very brave of me - is that I really want to know so I can begin to deal with it. I believe that this is the reason I had this breakdown. Ex was the catalyst to face some real pain in my life and start to heal. I'm terrified of what I might find, but I want to find it nonetheless. I want to get strong enough so that I can face whatever my past is trying to tell me. Does that make any sense?

Little Blessings

Ready for some math? Add 2 days of not having to go to IOP at the hospital with having 0 money and that equals not leaving the house. I did not exit my home at all yesterday. Wait, I did for about 10 minutes to buy flour to make biscuits. What can I say? I had a hankering for biscuits! It was looking like more of the same for today, although I did shower, which is a step up. I was getting dressed and thinking about what's going to happen on "All My Children" when my new friend called me.

I met her through a mutual friend. We had partied a couple of times before and each time we really enjoyed each other. Before the holiday, we had one great girl's night when secrets were shared and we became bonded by them...and now she's my friend.

She works at night and knew I wasn't working so she called me up to have coffee. So now I'm getting ready to leave the house for the first time since Monday afternoon. Her phone call showed me that I don't have the energy to take the initiative in my life yet. Thank goodness for little blessings...I'm really glad she called.

"Calling to Validate Your Reaction"

Ex called me last week. I haven't seen nor heard his voice in about a year and I heard it on Friday. This is what happened...

I was invited to be my friend's date at a wedding this weekend. Last week as we were finalizing things, my friend mentioned that he left me a voicemail at work. I thought it was odd he did that since my voicemail should say that I can't check messages since I'm on leave. So after my IOP sessions, I called my work voicemail. I heard that I hadn't actually activated the new voicemail, so people who called got a message that sounded like I was still working. Which meant I had to check all five messages to see if any of them needed a response.

Ex's message was #4. He called to ask me for the name of a restaurant. What!?!?! Surrounding the request he hoped I was doing well and "understood" if I didn't want to call him back. How nice of him. He also assumed that I still remembered his number. It's true, but why would you assume that?

I stopped in my tracks in the middle of the sidewalk. I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. I started shaking and crying immediately. I called my friend, but she was in meetings, so I called my therapist. I didn't need a session or anything...I just need to share what just happened with a person who would understand my intense reaction to it.

My therapist called me right back and said, "I got your message and I'm just calling you back to validate your feelings and your reaction. Don't call him back." She said other things, but that was the essence.

So I didn't. I feel much better about the whole thing, but it rocked my world for a while. The catalyst to all that I'm going through now just popped up. He better not call me again.

The Whole Blog Thing III

Oftentimes I wish my blog weren't so heavy. I wish it was more topical and witty, like the ones I have links to. But then I try to write a witty post and it just seems contrived. Ah well...as least I'm spelling correctly.

Time Flies When You're Having Fun

Jeez, I can't believe it's been almost a week since I last posted. I've got like three drafts of posts saved, but for some reason, I can't get around to finishing them. Ah well...

Much has happened since my last post. The most important event has been that I've begun the Intensive Outpatient Program. Today will be my third day. It's "intense" in so many ways. I thought that three hours a day three times a week wouldn't be that hard, but when all you're doing is dealing with your mental health...and other people's mental health...it can get exhausting. All the sessions are group sessions, you see, and the groups change from day to day. Some of the sessions only involve other people in the IOP, which means they are "higher functioning." Other sessions include participants in another program that meets every day for several hours a day and whose participants are dealing with more severe mental illness, schizophrenia, for example.

I don't know how much I'll get out of this. It is nice to have someplace to go. It gets me out of my pajamas and gives me structure. I am learning more about my condition when before I was focusing on learning about narcissism alone. And I am meeting regularly with a real psychiatrist so that I feel much better about my medication situation. On the other hand, you can see the strain on the social workers' faces. You can hear the repetition in the sound of their voices. They have clearly been doing this for a very long time. Also, there is no one in the program who has not been hospitalized or who is dealing with PTSD, so I can't really relate to anyone. I guess the point is not to make friends, really, but to learn how to go to work without anxiety.

Oh, something else I learned...DO NOT talk to health professionals about suicide unless you really think you should be committed. Apparently, in my mode of full disclosure, I freaked out the social worker enough that she wanted me to talk to someone about being checked in. Lil' ole me thought, "Sure! Why not?" However, my law school student friend warned me that they have the right to commit me for three days if they think I'm going to harm myself. Scary! So I had to really think about whether that's what I wanted. It's not.

The IOP is only supposed to last for 2-3 weeks..."transitional" is what they say. So a week from today I get assessed to see if I should continue for one more week. I'll keep you posted.