It's Not All About Him

I've realized that I've been writing a lot about my man and his woes. As with any personal writing, the writer's truth is the most subjective thing ever. I haven't really been using this blog to help me process my own stuff or share other, more positive news. I don't really know why. Perhaps I come here when I feel impotent to handle an issue on my own. When I don't know what action to take.

I guess I could mention that I'm joining Weight Watchers. I need to lose 10 pounds and it was a very useful tool a couple of summers ago.

I have so much grading to do...it's insane. It's the end of the semester, so everything is due. I'm so sick of dealing with people's crap through their papers.

My family is going through some serious stuff right now...yet another situation I can do nothing about.

I just saw on the news the nuclear disaster in Japan has been rated as dangerous as the Chernobyl disaster. I have no words about how horrible that is.

Ella is good. She is a constant good. I can never forget that.

I am so incredibly in love to one of the best men I have ever known. He is a good man...in his soul he is good. Despite what is happening right now, I am so lucky to have him in my life.

I have realized that I can't grade tonight. They are due tomorrow morning, but I can't do it. The students will live.

Oh! There is a crazy bag lady that lives in my building and camps out in mailbox alcove, which happens to be right across the hall from my front door. She actually deserves her own post, so I'll write about her soon.

What a Difference a Year Makes

As you may have noticed from my blatant absence from this blog, school has started up again. The library is filled with people and my days are filled with classes, meetings, and other such goings-on.

Per usual, I am busy and a bit tired, but other than that this year is so drastically different than last year.

First off, I'm 12 pounds lighter than I was last year. I honestly don't know what happened to the last 4 pounds...I haven't been very diligent keeping track of my points, but I still eat like I am (e.g., eating half a sandwich, ordering a side salad instead of fries, getting the cinnamon raisin bagel instead of the plain). And I continue to run as often as I can. I'm telling you that keeps me sane like nothing else.

Secondly, I'm at peace with my level of intelligence. I am a smart cookie and I'm firmer in knowing that than I was last year, even as I learn things everyday that blow my mind and make me question it all.

Thirdly, I'm taking an advanced quantitative methods course when this time last year the thought of stats made me cry. I'm going to be a teaching assistant for a stats course in the spring, for goodness' sake!

Fourthly, I am officially all right regarding the break-up with TM. With the support and straight-up bullying of friends to make the right decisions...for which I am eternally grateful...along with my own new found maturity, I have healed from that loss. I am so proud of myself for that.

Fifthly, I have found true friends here. Granted, they have issues up the wazoo, but so do I, and we're all crazy at Harvard together.

Sixthly, I'm spending a lot more time with Ella and that's nothing but goodness.

All in all, I like my life. It's far from perfect and even farther than where I want it to be, but it's doing just fine.

My Dog Has Better Healthcare!

I got the most bizarre phone call last night. I was shocked and pleased by it at the same time. Then I got sad. Let me explain...

Remember in my last post when I mentioned that I dealt with a medical emergency for Ella? It turned out not be an emergency, but of course I didn't know that at the time. To deal with it, I went to the pet emergency room at Angell Memorial Medical Center, one of the largest and best animal hospitals in the Northeast.

First of all, let me say that I have never been in a human ER this nice. It was a wide open space, with plenty of comfortable seating, a well-stocked vending machine area with hot and cold food choices, plenty of water fountains, and everyone was friendly and patient. I waited at most 20 minutes to see someone. All the vets had their own laptops as well as pagers that allowed them to connect with everyone else in the hospital and update patients' files in real time. Amazing!

When we checked in, I had to fill out a form that asked for Ella's real vet's name, so I provided it. Last night I got a call from her vet saying that the hospital had called to report that Ella had been there. The vet was just calling to "follow up."

Can you believe it? It's always been my responsibility to contact my primary care physician when I've been in the ER. And never have I received a "follow up" call...again, my responsibility.

Why is it, in the richest country in the world, my dog has better health care than I do? And why am I still grateful for what I've got?

"Relax, Relate, Release"

Us children of the 80s and early 90s will recognize the title of this post. I had totally forgotten it and what it meant until this morning. I'm wishing I had remembered it earlier while I was freaking the f*uck out, but what are you going to do? With a new day comes new developments, new insights, and my Aunt Pee to help explain away the confusion.

Thanks for all those that put up with my digital primal scream yesterday. I think I really needed it. As soon as I posted it, I decided that TM's decisions were NOT going to tear apart my family anymore than they had already. If it meant that I couch surfed all summer, I would do it until I found a place that fit both my and Ella's needs.

Today, life is much better. I found an apartment that I can live in and that will take Ella. Not only have I found one, but it is convenient to campus, even closer to the cool area that TM and I lived near, and it's only with one other roommate. The rent is more expensive, but I'll more than make it up in the lower utility bills. There's a backyard! Did I mention the landlord has no problems with Ella? I can't move in until August, but I'll be house sitting for a friend of mine for the summer rent-free. Life is looking up.

You know how you don't realize how much burden you're carrying until it's gone? That's what I feel now. My fingers are tingly because my blood is flowing again. Of course, life is nowhere near perfect. I'm still sad, angry, lonely, and missing TM immensely. I just got an email that someone who was diagnosed with active tuberculosis was in a class I took this semester...I didn't sit near him, so I think I'm safe. But at least I have a place to live!

And you know what? I just completed one of the worst years of my life to get one year closer to getting my doctorate at Harvard! Hell yeah!!

NOW I'm Angry

This post is going to be a bit incoherent because I can barely express all that I'm feeling right now. But I need to release in some way and I can't scream because I'm in the library.

I am livid at this moment, absolutely enraged. The thing is I don't know if I'm mad at TM or at myself. Perhaps both.

I'm mad at myself for letting this man into my heart when I knew he wasn't ready to get down the way I was. All his talk about knowing what he wanted in his life...he's not even 30! How could he know that!

I'm mad at myself for letting this man into my living space without thinking through the consequences. Now it's the middle of May and I've been turned down from yet another apartment situation because I have Ella. Let's not even go into how much more limited my options are because I can't afford to live alone and the possibilities dwindle so much once you check the "dogs ok" box on Craigslist. When TM and I moved to this area, I didn't even consider the possibility that I would have to find a roommate situation that would take dogs. And now, even as I try to find that living situation, one that is close enough to campus so that I can walk Ella, affordable enough so that I won't go broke, and sane enough so that I won't have to sleep with a knife under my pillow...I'm still getting rejected for having a dog.

After almost three years, after spending lots of money in legal fees, and after promising Ella that I would take care of her for the rest of her life, I may have to give her up. And as sad as I am about that possibility, I am even more angry. TM could put my life in disarray; I'll recover. But his actions may cause me to have to give up my dog and I can't believe it. What's worse, I let him do this to me, to us.

I gotta go to work.

The Effect of Divorce on the Kids

Something I've had to rework is my schedule. One way TM supported me this past year was to walk Ella during the days I was stuck at school for 12 hours or more. Despite TM's arguments to the contrary, they formed a bond. Today was the first day Ella had to spend most of the day alone, without seeing either me or TM for very long. What did she do? She went through one of my bags and literally tried to eat my homework. It was a homework that had already been graded, but still...

Ella misses TM. Probably not as much as I miss him, but Ella lived with him for a year as well. She is acting up because she has become accustomed to his presence and now he's not here.

I know how she feels. It's been two days since I've had any interaction with him and it feels like two weeks.

Ella's Funny

I woke Ella up from her nap...she's sleeping right beside me on the couch...to show her this and she didn't even flinch...she can't stand other dogs. What she did do is sit up, walk over my lap, and look behind the laptop screen. Confirming her suspicions that I was indeed messing with her, she walked back over my lap, laid back down, and is now asleep again.

God, I love this dog. Remind me to show you pictures of her with no hair.

My New Favorite Place

I discovered it this morning. It's so wonderful and made just for me. I feel the most comfortable, the safest, the most loved when I'm there.

It's lying in bed, grudgingly waking up, intertwined with TM on one side of me and Ella curled up (and taking up too much room) on the other side.

That is by far the best place for me to be.

Ella is City Dog...Straight Up

Yet another reason I love my neighborhood is that there is a run/bike/dog walk path one block from my house. If I so chose, I could use it to get to Concord, MA...which is not close by. Right now, I only use it to get to Medford for my run and to get Ella to meet other dogs.

However, Ella doesn't like it at all. As we approach it, she will actively try to walk in the opposite direction. Since she doesn't ever lead the walk, she always relents. But she only feels comfortable when there are lots of people walking on the path. When we're alone with the trees and the squirrels and the birds, Ella is quite nervous. However, on the way back home, when we walk on the major street with the delis...this area doesn't have bodegas, only delis...and the restaurants and realty offices, she's happy as a clam.

What kind of dog prefers concrete and glass over trees and grass? Mine, apparently.

Missing Limb

You know that phenomenon that new amputees speak of...the one where after an arm or leg is first cut off they still feel that limb....they can feel it itch and stuff.

I've been experiencing that all day today. You see, Ella left with my family this morning. Like I told you I would, I cried. I called TM at his family's house and rediscovered that he is not the person you invite when you want to have a pity party. Then I called Angela and got some perspective.

So now I'm feeling better, but I'm experiencing that missing limb thing. I made myself some food and kept expecting Ella to sit by me, begging for scraps with her eyes. When I took a nap to recover from my migraine, I move my legs expecting to bump into her body at the foot of my bed. I have to keep reminding myself that I don't have to leave the house to walk her for the rest of the night. It's so quiet that everytime I go in the kitchen, I look for Ella asleep in her corner. Her presence has become such a part of my presence. I'm having a hard time remembering what it was like to be in my house without her.

I'm blue.

More Death and Other News

So TM's grandmother died in the middle of last night; it was expected, but it's still sad. He's seems fine, but when he's anything other than totally upbeat, he folds into himself. I can tell he's trying not to cut me out completely, but I can also tell it's a struggle. I'm learning to simply let him know that I'm here for him and let him be.

I've been struggling with a slight drowning feeling this week. National traumas and those that have affected people close to me have left a mark on me as well. It's strange because I don't think I reacted this strongly when my own aunt died. Maybe I am reacting this strongly to my aunt's death. Maybe this is how I'm able to deal...pour my condolences onto others.

I have to say this is the first time that I have felt this blue and not completely freaked out that I am becoming depressed again. I think I've gotten a LOT better at reading my emotions. I also think of Angela's advice: basically, she doesn't critique her emotions when she gets down...she just listens. And does what she wants/needs to make herself feel better. I think that's what I've been doing this week.

In other news, Ella is going for an extended vacation this weekend. My parents are coming for a visit and they are taking Ella with them so I don't have to put her in a kennel while I'm in Jamaica. It's not quite real to me yet. When it does become real, I will cry. Goodness gracious, I love that dog!

The wedding is almost here! I'm so excited! I can't wait for this whole thing to be over. I've learned through this process that being a maid of honor is a BIG deal. You not only need to be a very good party planner, but also a therapist, a personal assistant, a dry shoulder, a jester, possess nerves of steel and a lot of disposable income. Because a bride is a creature all her own. I was lucky that this wedding would never be on "Bridezillas," but she definitely had her moments. I'm not going to say something stupid like, "I'll never be like that!" But I think it should be a prerequisite for all brides to be a bridesmaid at someone's wedding...an internship of sorts.

I am officially running out of weekends. TM and I leave for Massachusetts in less than three months. There are certain friends who have invoked the NYC motto: "Let's get together." The problem is, I need to plan those get togethers. Because I don't have a lot of time and we have a lot to do. I keep trying to tell these certain friends this, but it's hard for them to get out the NYC mindset of complete-avoidance-of-definitive-plans- in-case-something-better-comes-along. Ah well, I plan on throwing a going away party in the summer...I guess I'll see them there.

I Need a New Digital Camera

I gave my digital camera to my little sister. I didn't think I would need it. It was also too heavy for my liking and didn't have that new photo stabilization technology that I desperately need. Besides, she's on the yearbook committee and is the IT girl of her 8th grade class, so she needed a camera to document her fabulousness at all the parties and sleepovers she gets invited to.

But now I need a new one. I had to use one of those disposable cameras when "Law & Order" came by my apartment. I finally got the pictures developed and most of them are dark and blurry. The Mormon is pretty good with Photoshop, so I'll see what he can do, but it's pretty bleak.

Regardless, here's the picture of me with the stars of the show. I'm not a gray person, just need to hide my face.





Here's a picture of the "set," or my living room painted a hideous color, trashed and made to look like a dude's. All those people are members of the crew. See how grainy the picture is?



Most of the pictures turned out like this:

How annoying! Ah well, what are you going to do? Another reminder: the show airs on Feb. 2 at 10pm. Check it out.






In other news, here's a picture of Ella during her first Christmas with me! How cute she is!

Today Was a Good Day

Even though I came home with a migraine, today was a good day overall. Wanna hear why? Well, here it goes:

1. Today is Thursday. Which means tomorrow is Friday and the start of a three-day weekend. One where I will hopefully spend a lot of time with The Mormon. Things are going very well with us, by the way.

2. I went running for the first time in a few days this morning. Does this happen to you? When you lose focus in one area of your life, it threatens to affect other areas? I wasn't as disciplined in my running, so it became a struggle to remain disciplined for the other things on my list. Weird.

3. Construction is moving at a nice clip on the Target around the corner from my house. I didn't see one beam raised for all of 2006. Apparently because they were building two or three levels of underground parking. But now that must be done because there are lots of beams up. I think it's going to be at least three floors. I'm so excited!

4. New episodes of "Grey's Anatomy" start tonight!

5. I'm living in a home without a wasp! I finally got the nerve to kill it last night after it freaking me out all week.

6. I got a thank you letter from the "Law & Order" people. They were sweet and told me they were very grateful. The episode where my apartment is featured will air on February 2nd.

7. But what makes today SO special is that today is our anniversary...Ella's and mine. That's right! Ella came into my life one year ago today. She was called Barbie then...yuck!...and I had no idea how much my life would change. I had to fight for her...hard. But after a year, I know her like I know no other living thing. She has been my companion and seen me in every mood. I have learned about myself and what I'm capable of. I love her so much. I can barely remember my life without her. Happy Anniversary, Ella. I love you!

"HELLO ELLA'S OWNER!"

I would put a picture of Ella up here, but Blogger in beta is giving me grief.

Anyway, that's what I was called this evening as I came home from work. The little boy that lives on the end of my street only knows my dog's name, so now I am "Ella's owner," which I think is hilarious.

I also think it's a great transition into announcing that my legal woes regarding Ella and my apartment are officially over. As of last Thursday, the Board's attorney and I signed a Settlement that states I am allowed to keep Ella and I have to pay $1,500 of their legal fees. I fought that whole legal fee thing up until the very end, so I'm a little salty over it. On the other hand, the Board wanted me to pay all the fees...almost $6,000...and their lawyer tried to bully me in paying half of that, so at least I didn't end up paying as much as they wanted. I have until the middle of next month to pay the fees off and I feel good that I am able to do it.

So after almost six months of going to court, talking to lawyers and vetting settlement agreements, Ella and I get to stay in my apartment. I thought there would be this huge wave of relief when this was finally over, but actually I knew I had won this case months ago. We were haggling over logistics.

I am proud of myself for standing up for Ella, and by extension, standing up for myself. Ella's presence has saved my life and through her, I now understand unconditional love. I am proud that I didn't let anyone intimidate me into giving her up. I'm proud of the fact that handled my business: did my research, collected all my documentation. Every time I came into court, I was completely prepared. I feel good about that.

Ella and I are home.


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On another note, why the hell was Jamie Foxx in the booth for "Monday Night Football"? He was in one football movie a million years ago...how does that qualify him to wear those giant headphones?

What Are You Looking At?

When I was a kid, the days leading up to my birthday were almost as wonderful as the day itself. Each day was filled with anticipation; they were special in their own rite as the "days until my birthday."

I've been thinking about that a lot this past week, since these were the "days before my 32nd birthday." There was none of that anticipation this time. Part of it stems from the fact that 32 is not that exciting a birthday. Yeah, yeah, yeah...all birthdays are special, but really, it's not that big a deal.

Another part of it stems from the timing of my birthday: this is the busiest time of the year for me at work, so I'm all wrapped up in projects and planning. I've also been really preoccupied with the anniversary of my breakdown. For some reason, I've been worried I'm going to relapse because the fall is coming. I don't really know why...I never connected my emotional problems with the time of the year...but I am now. However, two people who saw me through this time last year told me that I seem way more stable than I did then. So I'm going to believe them.

With all that, my birthday hasn't really been on the forefront of my mind. But today is the actual day, so I decided to relish in it and let the other stuff go...at least for today. As I contemplate stepping even further into my 30s, I notice something interesting. Instead of looking behind me and reviewing my life the way I have done for the past several birthdays, I'm looking into the future. I know this year is going to be filled with a great deal of change; I know because I'm the one doing the changing and I'm totally looking forward to it. It's interesting to not be reviewing or taking stock...I am really just looking forward to the new life I'm going to have.

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Wanna hear something cool? This morning, I told Ella it was my birthday. She wagged her tail and jumped up on my legs...what she does when she wants me to hug her. As I bent down, she licked me on my ear. I know she didn't understand what I was saying; that she was only responding to my demeanor. But I'm going to believe that she was giving me a birthday hug and kiss because it makes me happier. Tee hee.

I Have a Record! My Bad Girl Image is Complete!

Anyone who knows me knows how silly this title is, but it is true...I now have a Record! Let the "oohhhing" and "ahhhing" begin! Back in May, three punk rookie cops in a cruiser gave me a summons because I was walking Ella without a leash one night. The sidewalk was empty and I was actually teaching her to follow me and my commands without a leash, which is actually responsible dog ownership, however these punk kid cops had a quota to fill or something, so they wrote me up.

I went to the courthouse this morning per the instructions on the summons. I swear, the world of petty crimes court is just a way for the City to make some money. I bet you there is a line item in the City budget. You start out by standing in a line to get assigned to a "courtroom." You go into the "courtroom" to sit and wait until they say your name and your "crime." You walk up and face the adjudicator...it's not even a real judge! He doesn't even listen to the details of your case, he just yells out a price. "50 bucks!" "25 bucks!" I'm not kidding...he used the word, "bucks." Then the "lawyer" who's standing next to you explains that you can pay the fine the adjudicator just yelled out...seemingly at random...or you can take your chances with a trial and plead not guilty. It's like a warped version of "Let's Make a Deal."

I got off with a $25 fine and a reprimand: "Keep your dog on a leash, Miss." Not to bad considering how much I may have to pay to keep Ella in my apartment. More on that once it's final.

However, since NYC doesn't expunge its records, I will always have a conviction for walking a dog without a leash. I'm pretty sure that's a gateway crime...

Testing Her Effectiveness

I am in something today...and it's bad. I haven't felt this cut off since my PTSD and my depression was in full swing last winter. It's so bad I don't want to leave the house to walk Ella. So you can imagine how grateful I am that I have to leave the house and walk Ella. It's been the only time I have left my couch all day.

On another note, I don't think TV gets any better in the quality of the writing, the acting, the casting, everything than it does on "House."

My Sole Birthday Present

My birthday is next month. I am going to be 32 in about 32 days...tee hee! Even though technically I'm closer in age to 30 than to 35, I feel more connected to 35. But I am very glad that I am only 32 because it's like I have three extra years.

The only thing I want for my birthday is this book. Well, that's not true...I want a big fat check to pay off all my debt. But really the only thing I want that someone could theoretically give me is this book. There are very few things that I miss from downgrading my cable. The National Geographic Channel is one of them because now I can't watch "The Dog Whisperer." I'm afraid Ella is suffering for it...although I don't really think she is. So I want to get this book to keep me on my dog training toes.

It's so strange that I all I want is a book. Last year at this time, I wanted/needed all this stuff for my new apartment. But with the purchase of my armchair this spring, my home is complete.

Crazy!

Dedicated to Single Ma

Single Ma is my inspiration on all things financial. She is also fiercely independent and isn't afraid to show it. So this post is dedicated to her. Go say hello to her...she just got a promotion!

Anyways...it's getting hot outside these days. For a dog, this can be mighty uncomfortable, especially for Ella. See how much hair she has?

So I looked into getting Ella groomed. The prices ranged from $45 to $65 for a wash, a full haircut, and an ear cleaning. Now, I wash Ella myself once a month and the vet taught me how to clean her ears once a week. So I'd be paying up to $65 for the haircut. I was going to do it, but it was bugging me. But today, I decided to do it for myself! I went to Rite Aid and bought a pair of clippers for $15. I covered my living room in newspaper, used scissors to cut her hair short, then used the clippers to shear down the rest.

The result: I gave Ella her first haircut since she's been with me. I nicked her a couple of times, but for the most part, she was a trooper. She has the attention span of a 4-year-old, but she's a trooper. Here are the after pictures. I think it's not bad for a first timer, if I do say so myself.

Toni Braxton Was On To Something

Ella and I go for a nice long walk earlier tonight. The air is cool and crisp. The sky is wonderfully deep blue and clear at the same time. As the evening air first hits me, I take a deep breath. I realize it's the first one I've taken in days. Ever since I got a notice of eviction because of Ella, I've been breathing shallow-ly.

Today I spent all day in court. Most of the day was spent waiting, but it was worth it. I came into court nervous, but prepared. It didn't go at all the way I expected, however, the lawyer representing the Board was nice...though I didn't trust her as far as I could throw her. She told me that she was impressed with the documents I prepared. As soon as I started to present my side of the story to the Court Clerk, he recommended that we try to settle.

The case has been adjourned until June. The lawyer and I are supposed to try and work something out, but Ella gets to stay until we do...or until we go to trial.

So, tonight I am able to breathe again. And when I do, I cry. Because the idea that I would have to give Ella up kills me. I know that I sound a little kooky when I say this out loud, but I love Ella so much. I don't know what I would do if I had to give her up. She has made me so happy and I am grateful that she's in my life. I know fighting for her has given me confidence and helped me heal old wounds.

I know it's not over, but I'm going to keep fighting. Ironically, Ella gives me the strength to do so.