So Unmotivated

I'm in that phase when I've worked really hard for a long time and accomplished one major component of my work. What happens in this phase is that I get really lazy...like sleep 10 hours a day lazy. Like spend hours on my computer and only have the discovery of a funny YouTube animator to show for it lazy. Like knowing all the plot lines of "All My Children" lazy.

To some, this break seems well deserved. You spend days staying up very late and not eating well and of course you are going to crash when it's all over. However, to others...namely me...what I am doing is postponing other work. Because of course there is other work. Work that is major and a component as well. Postponing this work means I end up creating the same conditions that caused me to exhaust myself in the first place. A vicious cycle I tell you. VICIOUS!

This week I have a bit of an out. I just spent 48 hours with an EEG attached to my head. Goodness gracious, that took a lot out of me. But the electrodes are gone, my hair is clean. And now it's time to buckle down. I gotta get out of Harvard...I feel like my life has stopped and won't move forward until I graduate. That's for another post.

Here's to a kick in the pants!

It's Not All About Him

I've realized that I've been writing a lot about my man and his woes. As with any personal writing, the writer's truth is the most subjective thing ever. I haven't really been using this blog to help me process my own stuff or share other, more positive news. I don't really know why. Perhaps I come here when I feel impotent to handle an issue on my own. When I don't know what action to take.

I guess I could mention that I'm joining Weight Watchers. I need to lose 10 pounds and it was a very useful tool a couple of summers ago.

I have so much grading to do...it's insane. It's the end of the semester, so everything is due. I'm so sick of dealing with people's crap through their papers.

My family is going through some serious stuff right now...yet another situation I can do nothing about.

I just saw on the news the nuclear disaster in Japan has been rated as dangerous as the Chernobyl disaster. I have no words about how horrible that is.

Ella is good. She is a constant good. I can never forget that.

I am so incredibly in love to one of the best men I have ever known. He is a good man...in his soul he is good. Despite what is happening right now, I am so lucky to have him in my life.

I have realized that I can't grade tonight. They are due tomorrow morning, but I can't do it. The students will live.

Oh! There is a crazy bag lady that lives in my building and camps out in mailbox alcove, which happens to be right across the hall from my front door. She actually deserves her own post, so I'll write about her soon.

Mediocre

Through my mental health challenges and my love/hate relationship with Harvard, I have learned to build a strong support system. I've got a therapist, a psychopharmacologist, and an academic therapist. I've got a writing group and a committee of professors to move my work forward.

Though my life has been amazingly wonderful and wonderfully amazing in the past few weeks, I've learned the hard way I cannot put all my happy eggs in one basket. I have to take care of all parts of me to feel self-assured and independent.

The truth is, I didn't accomplish all I wanted to during this break in terms of my academic work. I am so close to completing a major milestone in my program, but I keep getting blocked. It's my usual mind-f*cking cocktail of procrastination, an unrealistic need for perfection, and the "significance" of this milestone I self-impose. Add to this feelings of failure and inadequacy because I'm not doing all I want to do and I get paralyzed in front of my computer.

So I met with my academic counselor yesterday. She reminded me of how I work best, the strategies I've used in the past to successfully manage my time, and how to reframe my thinking so I'm not so hard on myself. She also introduced to me a way to think about my goal setting that is not so hung up on a due date, and more attached to a daily time commitment. It's not that crazy a concept, but it's new to me, so I'm excited to try it.

One of the things we discussed is how I see myself in relation to other people at Harvard. At Harvard, I think if myself as an average student, at best. I am very smart, but I'm not producing work that knock professors out of their seats. However, when I talk to other people about what I've accomplished, I realize I have done some great sh*t. It's not that I've done better stuff than the non-Harvard people in my world...it's just not average, you know? It's far from average as a matter of fact.

You know what else I realized while talking to my counselor? At Harvard, average equals mediocre in my mind. Even in my program where we profess to be all about support and never about competition, the hidden curriculum says otherwise. With every success a colleague celebrates, we all feel a little worse because we're not there yet. So to just be average...to just be moving along, is actually to be less than average.

It was a powerful realization because it helped me understand why I'm so adverse to being average. Average in a doctoral program at Harvard is no joke. I should be proud...especially since this program hardly ever gives out "C"s, so average is an "A-." And if I can make all other parts of my life extraordinary while being here, then I'm doing a damn good job.

I'm Moving...Again

Guess what? I'm moving again. This will be the third apartment since I've moved back to Boston. Yes, that's right...third. One would think that I would be fazed by this development. Surprisingly I'm not. 

Perhaps it's because of the reasons behind this move. They are as follows:

1. My landlord is going to increase the rent. It's not by much, but it's enough to push it past the tipping point of "not worth it." 

2. The apartment has been having some issues as of late. Mold on the bathroom ceiling, kitchen sink plumbing on its last leg, basement overflowing with years of tenants' junk. The problem is that my landlord has said that she was going to fix these things for months and never has. Annoying.

3. Finally, I found out last week that this house is in preforeclosure. The process began in February. The thing is, I didn't find out via our landlord; I found out on the internet. Not cool. Not cool at all.

So I'm out. Even if the process takes a while, I just don't want to be anywhere near this because I'm at the bottom of the housing totem pole, which means I'll get shafted. I've already found a great apartment in my same neighborhood. It's $75/month cheaper with a fabulous kitchen, a huge room, and only one additional roommate. And it has a dishwasher! I'll be living with a dishwasher for the first time in my life!

Don't Tell Anyone

I feel comfortable saying this here because few of my friends from school know about this blog. Those that do know will probably agree with me! I've been feeling this way for some time, but it really came to a head this weekend...in a nutshell, my Harvard friends are boring!

I know, I know, I shouldn't be surprised. It is Harvard after all, mecca to the academic nerd. But last year, when we were all starting out, we partied like rock stars! Our weekends started on Thursdays: we went to happy hours, went dancing, saw plays and concerts, saw friends do improv, hosted parties, went to parties.

But something has changed. This year, we barely see each other. A person will throw a party...on Saturday night, mind you...and people will bail because "they have too much work." Now, I go to the same school they do and I can't imagine having so much work that you can't go to a party on a Saturday night!

I didn't realize how strong my feelings were around this issue until this weekend. Friday was a beautiful day; Friday night was a beautiful night. I wanted to go out, but decided to stay in to catch up on some personal stuff. I did this specifically thinking that Saturday night there will be a bunch of people wanting to rock the casbah. Saturday night, my friend performed in a concert and invited me to meet up with some people at a bar. Perfect! I'll catch up with friends, we'll enjoy the night by going bar hopping in Harvard Square...very easy to do on a warm Saturday night. 

What happened?  Absolutely nothing! We sat in a very lame bar...which did have $3 glasses of wine...talking shop and then everyone left at 11pm. I couldn't believe it! Boston has had miserable weather since forever. This is the first time in months when it's been warm for more than 12 hours, and everyone is tired?!?

What really drove it home was I went to a bbq this afternoon at the home of a very old friend of mine. He and his family had about 20 people over: couples, single folk, kids, everybody. I met some really cool and funny people. As the night wore on and the families went home, there were about 10 people who still wanted to stay up talking and drinking and enjoying the fact that we were outside. After 7 hours, I finally left. You see? That's what I'm talking about. People who can put all this schoolwork shit in perspective and realize life is too short not to honor Mother Nature for granting us this great weekend. 

I have to say, I don't miss living in NYC in the least. It's far too crowded and fast and jaded for me at this point in my life. But I will say that New Yorkers know how to enjoy good weather. If I were back in the city, I know I would be out with old friends and/or meeting new ones.

Ah well...it is the choice I made. I'm thinking however, as I enter my third year of my doctoral program next fall, and don't have as many classes to tie me to the campus, that I'm going to really branch out and find friends with whom I connect on more than just the Harvard level...because that level is pretty uneven.

Change of Plans

I woke up today with a specific plan. Much of that plan had to do with tricking myself to get things accomplished...something I learned last week when I had my first appointment with my new academic advisor/therapist...long story that I'll explain later. I was going to put on my gym clothes before I went to my office hours so that I could head straight to the gym. I was going to spend my time during a meeting working on another paper.

But all that has changed...my very good friend is having a baby today, so all I have to do is be there for her. Simple, to the point, no tricks involved. Wish her luck!

Eh.

I know it's been quite a while since I've posted anything. Which is weird to me because the last time I went through a major depression, I wanted to tell the internet absolutely everything. This time, however, I'm working on making some changes in my life at the fundamental level, not just around the depression. I'm still sorting it out, but I think it has to do with keeping more things close to the vest. My new mantra is "I don't have to be 'on'." 

Another reason that I haven't posted is because I was incredibly busy this semester putting together an academic conference. This conference is one of two student-run conferences that my school sponsors. The focus is on issues of race and inequality in education. It happens every year and this year we had record turn-out with people coming from Jamaica, Canada, Kenya, Ethiopia and many other countries. I actually do wish I had documented that journey; it was the most important thing I've ever accomplished, second only to buying my apartment. This was bigger than actually getting into Harvard. The nadir of my depression fell right in the middle of the process, so that was a very interesting thing for me to maneuver as well.

Anyway, I would like to say that I will post more, but I don't know if I will. I'm not really into blogging right now, but I'm also not ready to shut this one down. I'm just going to wait and see.

Second Extension

I just wrote to the second of my professors asking for an extension on a final paper. I am so, so, so mad at myself about that, but as EVERYONE in my life has told me, I am very hard on myself, so I'm trying to cut myself some slack. The thing is I'm very bad at being kind to myself. I feel like I'm just copping out. I'm just going to try to be proud of the fact that I asked for help.

It's a New Year?

I know it's 2009 and all, but for the life of me I don't feel renewed, rejuvenated, re-anything. The only dates I'm thinking about are all the due dates for my assignments and of course, January 14th. That's the day I leave for my first solo vacation. 

I went back and look at my postings on this blog from last January. I'm pleasantly surprised to report that I have made good on my goal to not get complacent. I have lost weight, I have spent this year doing more non-school stuff, especially attending theatre. I have not made as much progress as I would have liked on my own research, but I am getting there. Of course, a bunch of unexpected things have happened, but what are you going to do?

I had a wonderful conversation with Tuckergurl, and she helped me see my resolution to not fall in love in a new way. I still believe that I am not meant to grow old with a partner, but on my path to come to peace with that realization, this will be the year that I Stop Looking for Love. I mean really stop. Not do that thing where I say I'm not looking, but I keep glancing over my shoulder, or keep listening for the phone to ring. I am going to actively avoid love. Men will be nothing but friends and if I start to feel something more, then I'll stop being friends. 

I know it seems silly, but I no longer trust my own instincts or judgment. If I fall for someone, I no longer believe that experience will benefit my life. And I fear for my own sanity if I continue to try and fail. I know this is real because I usually don't live my life scared by my depression. But I don't think that I could survive any more rejection...and I know I could survive living alone.

I'll be 35 this year, so here's to the first year of the rest of my life. 

P.S. I will also try to spend this year NOT talking about this all the time!

What a Difference a Year Makes

As you may have noticed from my blatant absence from this blog, school has started up again. The library is filled with people and my days are filled with classes, meetings, and other such goings-on.

Per usual, I am busy and a bit tired, but other than that this year is so drastically different than last year.

First off, I'm 12 pounds lighter than I was last year. I honestly don't know what happened to the last 4 pounds...I haven't been very diligent keeping track of my points, but I still eat like I am (e.g., eating half a sandwich, ordering a side salad instead of fries, getting the cinnamon raisin bagel instead of the plain). And I continue to run as often as I can. I'm telling you that keeps me sane like nothing else.

Secondly, I'm at peace with my level of intelligence. I am a smart cookie and I'm firmer in knowing that than I was last year, even as I learn things everyday that blow my mind and make me question it all.

Thirdly, I'm taking an advanced quantitative methods course when this time last year the thought of stats made me cry. I'm going to be a teaching assistant for a stats course in the spring, for goodness' sake!

Fourthly, I am officially all right regarding the break-up with TM. With the support and straight-up bullying of friends to make the right decisions...for which I am eternally grateful...along with my own new found maturity, I have healed from that loss. I am so proud of myself for that.

Fifthly, I have found true friends here. Granted, they have issues up the wazoo, but so do I, and we're all crazy at Harvard together.

Sixthly, I'm spending a lot more time with Ella and that's nothing but goodness.

All in all, I like my life. It's far from perfect and even farther than where I want it to be, but it's doing just fine.

Can Someone PLEASE Explain This to Me?

I just heard a story on "Weekend Edition" about Clinton's concession speech and the response of her supporters. Women, unashamed to say their name, said that they were not going to support the Democratic Presidential nominee, and might even vote for McCain. I went out with a group of white women yesterday, and they echoed this sentiment, saying things like "Hilary DID get the popular vote," and "Obama supporters could have voted Undecided for the Michigan primary." These Harvard-educated women were saying this with a straight face!

I had so many questions, but we let the conversation fall away to keep the jovial mood. Would they have complained that it wasn't a "clear-cut win" if Hilary had actually won? Would they be hesitant, even obstinate, in not supporting Obama if he were White? Are people so incredibly ignorant that they would rather vote for a Republican...after EVERYTHING we've been through for the past eight years...than see a Black man in the Oval Office? I would hate to believe educated, White women could still be so blatantly racist...so please, can someone provide me with another explanation?

On another note, it became very clear to me during the conversation with my friends yesterday that as my status as a Black woman in the society, I am a Black person first. The feminist dialogue does not speak to me at all, mainly because it is written by White people.

"Relax, Relate, Release"

Us children of the 80s and early 90s will recognize the title of this post. I had totally forgotten it and what it meant until this morning. I'm wishing I had remembered it earlier while I was freaking the f*uck out, but what are you going to do? With a new day comes new developments, new insights, and my Aunt Pee to help explain away the confusion.

Thanks for all those that put up with my digital primal scream yesterday. I think I really needed it. As soon as I posted it, I decided that TM's decisions were NOT going to tear apart my family anymore than they had already. If it meant that I couch surfed all summer, I would do it until I found a place that fit both my and Ella's needs.

Today, life is much better. I found an apartment that I can live in and that will take Ella. Not only have I found one, but it is convenient to campus, even closer to the cool area that TM and I lived near, and it's only with one other roommate. The rent is more expensive, but I'll more than make it up in the lower utility bills. There's a backyard! Did I mention the landlord has no problems with Ella? I can't move in until August, but I'll be house sitting for a friend of mine for the summer rent-free. Life is looking up.

You know how you don't realize how much burden you're carrying until it's gone? That's what I feel now. My fingers are tingly because my blood is flowing again. Of course, life is nowhere near perfect. I'm still sad, angry, lonely, and missing TM immensely. I just got an email that someone who was diagnosed with active tuberculosis was in a class I took this semester...I didn't sit near him, so I think I'm safe. But at least I have a place to live!

And you know what? I just completed one of the worst years of my life to get one year closer to getting my doctorate at Harvard! Hell yeah!!

The Finish Line

• I am working on my last final of my first year of my doctorate studies at Harvard University.
• I have also been dumped by the man I wanted to marry, and I have no idea where I'm going to live next month.

Which one should I focus on? But, which one am I focusing on?

It Doesn't Look Good

The reasons why are way too complex to explain here...and I have a 20-minute presentation to research for...but I have a feeling that this summer is going to see a lot of changes. There are some battles you just can't win. That, or you just get too tired to keep trying.

In terms of my issues with Harvard, they haven't gone away, but I have discovered that speaking them out loud makes them easier to bear. I'm not hiding anymore that I'm not doing well. Funny enough, that is making me feel better.

I'll keep you posted on both fronts.

Quitter?

I'm thinking of leaving Harvard at the end of the academic year. I'm thinking Harvard just might be too hard.

I'm not talking about the work; I mean, the work is very difficult, but I don't mind that. But to do the work well, the rest of one's life gets so much harder. And since Harvard is not the goal for me, but simply part of the journey, I'm wondering if I just don't want to take another path.

All my relationships have suffered since I've been here: with TM, with friends, with family, with art. I'm going through feelings of self-doubt and insecurity that I just don't think are necessary at this point in my life. Of course one would think that if I am aware enough to say these things, then maybe I could just start to feel more confident, more self-assured.

Ah, there's the rub...the "Big H" that people use to refer to Harvard isn't just the reputation the name gives you in the real world. It's also the feeling that seeps in your soul while you're within its walls. The feeling that "they" have it all figured out, so if something is askew it has to be you. It's the way Harvard values precision, efficiency, and a certain type of critical thinking while simultaneously devaluing creativity, exploration, and questioning for its own sake.

It's very difficult to be both strong and vulnerable here. I know that sounds like an oxymoron, but I believe that is part of being human...or that it should be. I know that is when I'm at my best: when I'm confidently scared. These days, I'm nowhere near my best, even as I get "A"s on my papers.

I guess I won't really know what I'll do until it's time for registration for next fall. I'm going to visit friends in NYC for part of my Spring Break...that should definitely help.

I'll keep you posted.

I Bought a New Computer...

...for $94 dollars. Yup, you read correctly. I bought it on eBay to be exact. I was a bit nervous, but I booted up it up for the first time yesterday at the library and it works great!

Well...it's not really a new computer per se, it's more like a new operating system, but it has the same effect. Due to the lovely dual processor that lives inside my little laptop, I'm able to run a PC on my Mac. And it's the real deal. You choose Windows instead of Mac OSX when the computer starts up and it looks like a real PC, with the Start button in the corner and everything. I bought Windows XP 'cuz Vista still scares the crap out of me, and all seems to be well. It's so strange! After almost a year of being a Mac girl, it's weird to remember that all my applications won't spread themselves across my screen if I move the cursor to a corner. That closing a window actually shuts down the program. And I can confirm that Windows is not nearly as pretty as OSX (especially not Leopard)...no, it is not.

The good thing is, I'll be able to watch Netflix movies now, join the web cam feed of my favorite podcast, and...this is the best part...I'll be able to run the statistical software needed for my quantitative methods class! Wheuheu!

"We've Earned This One"

The semester has begun...Harvard owns my ass once again. I'm starting this semester on much stronger footing than I did in the fall. I don't feel overwhelmed, I'm much better organized, and I see the forest for the trees a lot better.

Unfortunately, TM and I have a lot more work to do to rebuild what we have, but we're taking it one day at a time, and that's working well. We are enjoying each other very much and are communicating...maybe not as much as I would like, but I'm getting to say everything I need to.

Anyway, we're celebrating our second Valentine's Day this Saturday...the first time I've celebrated this holiday two years in a row!...and I've told him that we have fought for this holiday this year. We have earned our love celebration this time.

A New Perspective

It is amazing...absolutely amazing. I just passed in my last final of my first semester. I am officially done with first semester. I'm not done with work, mind you, but all my professors have all they need to give me a grade for my first semester. I already know that I got an "A-" in the hardest class I took this semester, so that's a good start.

When I slid my final under the professor's door, I instantly felt good. Instantly! Like a drug kicked in or something. I am now going to write a press release and do some research on experimental studies on high school kids, but I don't mind at all. My first semester is done.

I Don't Get Videos

I'm up early this Friday. I don't have classes today, but I'm not upset. I'm just glad that I can enjoy this Friday off and not rush off to a group meeting or site visit or something.

So I'm watching videos. Things I haven't seen in a very long time. And I realize that I don't get them. How does a woman stop Freddy Rodriguez from killing himself by dancing in the Santana video? And how did she get a waitress job where she can take over the restaurant with her sexy dancing? All that hair flying around the food must be a health hazard.

And there's this video with the girl who plays Vanessa on "Gossip Girl" where I'm supposed to believe that even though she has the alcohol problem and is sitting in the passenger seat, the driver gets killed in an accident. I don't buy it. But I do think she looks better with straight hair...she has curly hair in the show...to make her more ethnic, I think.

And there was no way I was going to watch a video hoochie be all lovey-dovey to Sean Kingston, even if he's talking about how rough his life is. He's not attractive and not talented.

And is it just me, but does Natasha Bettingfield looks like she's 37? Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying she looks bad. I'm saying she looks too old to be referencing high school feelings in her songs. And she's definitely too old to have Sean Kingston featured in her multi-culti video.

In other news, my good friend, Angela came to visit me last weekend. We had a mellow weekend, but I really enjoyed seeing her face. I missed her so much! I wish I would have scheduled in more time with just her and I, but I'll visit NYC in January. P.S. If you haven't seen Gone Baby Gone, don't. It sucked.

In other other news, my semester is over in less than two weeks! Well, it's not over because I have finals due at the end of January...but I don't have anymore classes in about a week and a half. I know I sound all dramatic, but I really can't believe I finished and that I accomplished all that I did. I now know what a standard deviation is and how to get it. I know a basic overview of the history of urban education and how its history shapes its function today. I know that US colleges have a 50% graduation rate and that rate is continuing to decrease. I know how to write a reference list in APA format. None of these things I knew just four months ago. Crazy!

You should do that sometime...pick a time in the recent past and come up with all the stuff that you know now that you absolutely didn't know then. If you've got nothing...go start learning!

A Pretty Big Loophole

Harvard has a lot of trust in its students...

So I just got this email saying that, while in pursuit of my doctorate, I could get my Master's in a comparable program. I'm SO doing that, by the way. Two degrees for the price of one.

Alas, there's the rub. The doctorate program I'm in is fully funded for the first three years, which are the most expensive because those are the ones in which you take classes. For the rest of your program you just pay fees for the health insurance and the right to be called a student. Not only do I not have to drop a dime to take classes...all the books for the course are on reserve, so technically I wouldn't have to pay for books. Though that would be silly. Anywhoo...but I'm getting a housing stipend that covers my half of the rent for the academic year. The Master's program is the opposite of fully funded. Lots of people are taking out lots of loans this year.

So it seems to me that it's in one's best interest to apply to the doctorate program, even if all you want is a Master's. Sure, it's a lot more work and your chances of acceptance is a lot slimmer, but it might be worth it to get a free Master's.

I probably shouldn't say this too loudly, huh?