It's Not All About Him

I've realized that I've been writing a lot about my man and his woes. As with any personal writing, the writer's truth is the most subjective thing ever. I haven't really been using this blog to help me process my own stuff or share other, more positive news. I don't really know why. Perhaps I come here when I feel impotent to handle an issue on my own. When I don't know what action to take.

I guess I could mention that I'm joining Weight Watchers. I need to lose 10 pounds and it was a very useful tool a couple of summers ago.

I have so much grading to do...it's insane. It's the end of the semester, so everything is due. I'm so sick of dealing with people's crap through their papers.

My family is going through some serious stuff right now...yet another situation I can do nothing about.

I just saw on the news the nuclear disaster in Japan has been rated as dangerous as the Chernobyl disaster. I have no words about how horrible that is.

Ella is good. She is a constant good. I can never forget that.

I am so incredibly in love to one of the best men I have ever known. He is a good man...in his soul he is good. Despite what is happening right now, I am so lucky to have him in my life.

I have realized that I can't grade tonight. They are due tomorrow morning, but I can't do it. The students will live.

Oh! There is a crazy bag lady that lives in my building and camps out in mailbox alcove, which happens to be right across the hall from my front door. She actually deserves her own post, so I'll write about her soon.

Lessons from Our First Fight?

My guy and I had our first unpleasant conversation this evening. Boy, did I learn a ton. I also need to come up with a good pseudonym for him.

Lesson #1: I know what he sounds like when he's mad. I should clarify...he wasn't mad at me. He had a horrible day at work and needed to vent about corporate culture and his boss. He is a passionate man, so he really vented.

Lesson #2: I have more testosterone than I thought. I fancy myself quite empathic and touchy-feely. I'm a listener, for goodness' sake! That's like the highest compliment for a woman, is it not? Kidding! However, some of my first responses were questions like: "What's the next step?" "What can I do to help you?" Basically, I turned into a dude and tried to fix it.

Lesson #3: He has more. It was kind of amazing how respectfully yet firmly he told me what he needed. It definitely wasn't me telling him what to do...not at that moment.

Lesson #4: I am not used to healthy disagreement. I've heard stories of what it's supposed to look like. I've studied it in the context of organizational behavior. But it is clear I will have to practice listening without taking it all personally. I will have to practice arguing the issues and not the person.

I think the most important lesson is how invested I am in him. I want him to be happy, really happy. I also want him to be employed, really employed. When he spoke of his urge to just walk out of the building and never look back, I was torn between empathy and fear. I felt bad for him, but also felt quitting was not an option.

The last lesson is ultimately about me projecting my own fears and lack of trust, along with my distorted views of money and work and self-esteem. He and I have plans as a couple, but they are in their infancy...we are in our infancy. It is unhealthy and unwise to hold onto them so tight. I know I am important to him...I know our goals are important to him. I have to trust he won't jeopardize them, just like I won't.

As I write this, I'm also thinking investment is not all bad. He even acknowledged that I had a right to get pissed if he up and quit his job. I have to figure out for myself what makes sense at this point in our relationship.

I have more to write, but I have to go to bed.

How I Am

I'm having a great holiday season. Tons of parties, tons of food, tons of drinking...luckily all in potluck form so I'm not spending any money. Laughter, stories, bonding. For instance, I had one of the best days of my life with my friend: A day of skiing, two bottles of wine, Indian food, and talking into the night by the fire.

And my sister had another MRI yesterday. This time it was to take a picture of her spine to establish a baseline...do you understand what that means? That means they expect her spine to deteriorate and they need a "before" picture so they can see how bad the "afters" get. That idea twists my heart.

So though I'm having a good time, I talk about my sister's disease a lot. People know about it. They ask me about it. Even the one friend who still checks in on this blog (Thanks, darlin'), she checks in on me.

But there is one person in particular that I haven't heard from at all. She was the first person I called, sobbing uncontrollably. And all I've gotten is a Merry Christmas voicemail last week...which I returned and she hasn't.

This is something I've always wondered...does my strength and joviality imply I don't need support? I would think old friends, who have seen me at my weakest, would know I am not always that way. I would also think that even if they thought I was doing okay, they would check in to find out anyway.

Lessons #1-25 babillion: one can't control the actions of others; one can only control oneself. So I want to figure out how I can get the support from people that's right for me. I could just ask, but having a "conversation" about how I'm not getting what I need makes the issue about my friend when...honestly...it should be about me. There have been so many conversations we've had for hours where we've just talked about her job/life/boy situations. Don't get me wrong, I love those talks, and it's not like it's the only type of conversations we have.

She does call me when she wants to talk, so in a way she is asking for help. But I don't know if I need to talk about my sister's MS per say. I guess I just need to know that my friends are thinking of me and care about how I'm doing.

But that's not very much to need. Maybe I shouldn't be that upset over the absence of a phone call or two. Or maybe I do need to talk it out and I just don't know it. Perhaps a well-placed phone call would release a floodgates of emotions that would stop the achy, twisted feeling in my heart. I mean, I'm reusing this old ass blog no one reads anymore, so I must have something to say.

I don't know...perhaps this whole idea exhausts me. Sometimes I get tired being proactive, of being the person to say what everyone is thinking but no one is willing to say. That's probably not going to stop, though, so what changes should I make?

I just want someone to read my mind every once in a while....I just read that sentence and it cracked me up!

To Thine Own Self Be True?

I wonder...if I am already a "type" of person - especially when in a relationship - should I try and buck the trend?

Ultimately this is a futile question...of course I'm going to if I'm not happy. I guess the real question becomes: can I be happy as a different "type?"

People Got Me Thinking

I just got an email from a friend of mine where she talked about major shifts happening in her life. It was inspirational, really. And I could relate to a lot of it, which made me feel validated somehow.

Anyhow, as I've pointed out on this blog before, I've been trying to be more private in order to learn how to take care of my thoughts and feelings by myself. I feel more independent, more alive when I am successful at it. And it occurred to me that having a blog on the World Wide Web where I post said thoughts and feelings was antithetical to my mission.

I've been thinking about shutting down this blog for a while now. I guess before now my approach was like a cowardly, loser male: just stop calling and eventually she'll get the hint. But I'd like to believe I'm braver than that, so I want to officially end this part of my life.

My other friend told me that "God puts people in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime." I don't dig the God part, but the rest of it has been pretty freeing for me in regards to letting go of stuff. So I'm saying goodbye.

Thanks to all those who supported this venture, either through comments or just by reading.

New Habits are Hard to Start

As I mentioned previously, I'm working on making some changes in my life. I don't mean to be cryptic, but honestly, I'm not clear about what those changes are. I'm not clear on where I'm going, but I do know where I don't want to be anymore. The thing is it's hard to break those habits; I find myself falling back into my old ways of being. They weren't dangerous or self-destructive, but they are not making me as happy as I thought they would. 

I just want to be quieter and simpler. I want to be more private and secretive. I want think more before I speak and think more without speaking. Whenever I am able to be this way, it feels wonderful. I just need to do it more often.

It's a New Year?

I know it's 2009 and all, but for the life of me I don't feel renewed, rejuvenated, re-anything. The only dates I'm thinking about are all the due dates for my assignments and of course, January 14th. That's the day I leave for my first solo vacation. 

I went back and look at my postings on this blog from last January. I'm pleasantly surprised to report that I have made good on my goal to not get complacent. I have lost weight, I have spent this year doing more non-school stuff, especially attending theatre. I have not made as much progress as I would have liked on my own research, but I am getting there. Of course, a bunch of unexpected things have happened, but what are you going to do?

I had a wonderful conversation with Tuckergurl, and she helped me see my resolution to not fall in love in a new way. I still believe that I am not meant to grow old with a partner, but on my path to come to peace with that realization, this will be the year that I Stop Looking for Love. I mean really stop. Not do that thing where I say I'm not looking, but I keep glancing over my shoulder, or keep listening for the phone to ring. I am going to actively avoid love. Men will be nothing but friends and if I start to feel something more, then I'll stop being friends. 

I know it seems silly, but I no longer trust my own instincts or judgment. If I fall for someone, I no longer believe that experience will benefit my life. And I fear for my own sanity if I continue to try and fail. I know this is real because I usually don't live my life scared by my depression. But I don't think that I could survive any more rejection...and I know I could survive living alone.

I'll be 35 this year, so here's to the first year of the rest of my life. 

P.S. I will also try to spend this year NOT talking about this all the time!

What a Difference a Year Makes

As you may have noticed from my blatant absence from this blog, school has started up again. The library is filled with people and my days are filled with classes, meetings, and other such goings-on.

Per usual, I am busy and a bit tired, but other than that this year is so drastically different than last year.

First off, I'm 12 pounds lighter than I was last year. I honestly don't know what happened to the last 4 pounds...I haven't been very diligent keeping track of my points, but I still eat like I am (e.g., eating half a sandwich, ordering a side salad instead of fries, getting the cinnamon raisin bagel instead of the plain). And I continue to run as often as I can. I'm telling you that keeps me sane like nothing else.

Secondly, I'm at peace with my level of intelligence. I am a smart cookie and I'm firmer in knowing that than I was last year, even as I learn things everyday that blow my mind and make me question it all.

Thirdly, I'm taking an advanced quantitative methods course when this time last year the thought of stats made me cry. I'm going to be a teaching assistant for a stats course in the spring, for goodness' sake!

Fourthly, I am officially all right regarding the break-up with TM. With the support and straight-up bullying of friends to make the right decisions...for which I am eternally grateful...along with my own new found maturity, I have healed from that loss. I am so proud of myself for that.

Fifthly, I have found true friends here. Granted, they have issues up the wazoo, but so do I, and we're all crazy at Harvard together.

Sixthly, I'm spending a lot more time with Ella and that's nothing but goodness.

All in all, I like my life. It's far from perfect and even farther than where I want it to be, but it's doing just fine.

Single and Fabulous?

Remember that "Sex and the City" episode?

I have to get something out of my head and heart before it eats away at me. I am a single woman; that is my reality. I wish I wasn't, however I know I am moving on and I am proud of myself for it.

Except...when I get a Facebook message from a very old friend who assumes that someone in a photo is my husband. And then I read the Weddings/Celebrations section of the New York Times. Why shouldn't my friend make that assumption? Everyone else we know from our circle of friends is married by now; I am in my mid-30s now...it's fair.

After that happens, I stop feeling proud. Instead, a surge of loneliness and failure that is so intense it stings my eyes comes over me. There is nothing for me to do in those moments except feel the feeling without judgment and with the knowledge that this, too, shall pass.

I Have Nothing to Say...Except This

It's been a while since I've been here; it's because I really don't have anything to say. I mean, I always have a lot to say, but for some reason I don't feel any of it is important enough to log in, go to a new post screen, type it out, re-read and edit it, apply the appropriate labels, and publish it. I haven't been lazy this summer...in fact I've been the complete opposite of lazy...but for some reason, I can't get my act together to post on this blog.

I guess I can tell you that I move into my new apartment this weekend. I've been a house guest/sitter for my friend this summer. It's been great to live rent free for two and a half months, but I'm really looking forward to having my own space...with a roommate.

I have been thinking a lot about moving and its significance. Four years ago, a move was just a move. It meant rent got too expensive, or I was living in a different city. It actually wasn't a big deal. I learned how to start early, clean out clutter, pack everything up without having to buy boxes.

But then I moved into Ex's place. And I moved out of Ex's place and into my own owned apartment. Then TM moved in with me and we moved to Boston together. Moves started to mean something. They meant the creation or destruction of a home, sometimes both simultaneously.

Now moving is back to just moving again. It's a logistical necessity, nothing more.

That is a bit sad. Eh...what are you going to do?

I Talk Too Much

I don't tell secrets, but I do talk too much. Especially when I really like the person. I was looking through all the emails I had saved from the beginning of my relationship with TM and they started with him writing me, and me writing back. It was a very even see-saw. Then a few weeks in, it turned into 4-5 emails from me to him, then his reply. It got very uneven. Most of those emails were about trivial things, too.

I must worked much harder on keeping my mouth shut. I must let the next person get a word in edgewise. I must listen SO much harder than I did with TM. Because TM did mislead me with what he wanted from life...don't get me wrong...but he also gave me clues to our downfall.

Can Someone PLEASE Explain This to Me?

I just heard a story on "Weekend Edition" about Clinton's concession speech and the response of her supporters. Women, unashamed to say their name, said that they were not going to support the Democratic Presidential nominee, and might even vote for McCain. I went out with a group of white women yesterday, and they echoed this sentiment, saying things like "Hilary DID get the popular vote," and "Obama supporters could have voted Undecided for the Michigan primary." These Harvard-educated women were saying this with a straight face!

I had so many questions, but we let the conversation fall away to keep the jovial mood. Would they have complained that it wasn't a "clear-cut win" if Hilary had actually won? Would they be hesitant, even obstinate, in not supporting Obama if he were White? Are people so incredibly ignorant that they would rather vote for a Republican...after EVERYTHING we've been through for the past eight years...than see a Black man in the Oval Office? I would hate to believe educated, White women could still be so blatantly racist...so please, can someone provide me with another explanation?

On another note, it became very clear to me during the conversation with my friends yesterday that as my status as a Black woman in the society, I am a Black person first. The feminist dialogue does not speak to me at all, mainly because it is written by White people.

Feeling Lucky, but It's Not About Luck

This article is one of many that has been in the news in the past year or so. It's highlighting the crisis of home ownership in America. This is a very big deal because owning property is part of the foundation of this country: economically, socially, etc. Think about what it means to own your home, and what it means to own a home in one neighborhood versus another. Cities and towns function primarily through property taxes levied on homes. It's a big deal.

If you recall, I own an apartment in Brooklyn. It's far from the shi-shi areas that most people covet in Brooklyn, but it's a nice neighborhood, and the apartment is huge compared to most of those apartments in the shi-shi area...900 square feet, baby! There was a time a few years ago where I was way behind in my mortgage. To be behind in my mortgage means to owe the bank 4 figures in a hot minute, so just imagine what being way behind looked like. The amount due every month is totally doable, but as soon as you get behind, you get screwed. I was screwed.

It took a year, but I worked my *ss off to get back on track and I haven't fallen behind since. When I moved to Boston, I found a fabulous tenant who pays the rent on time every month and keeps the apartment nice. So now she's paying my mortgage. Good times.

I feel fortunate that I'm not the one in 11 who's facing foreclosure. I feel lucky that I have a tenant in my place. I also feel charmed that I did not receive a sub-prime mortgage, that my rate is fixed for the life of my loan. But I also feel proud that I pulled my mortgage back in good standing on my own...before the economic sh*t hit the fan. And that my mortgage remains in good standing through this national crisis. I did that! Luck has nothing to do with that.

Ay, There's the Rub

I'm being sad today. I showed TM a moment of weakness last night...don't worry, it was only over text message telling him I missed him. He responded by ignoring me...surprise, surprise. I guess I can't ever show TM my vulnerability again.

The thing is...everyone is telling me that I am so great and that I now have made room for the person strong enough to truly support me to come into my life. But I have proven that I am horrible at locating that person. True, TM was worlds better than Ex, but they were the same in that they were incapable of truly being there for me. What if I just don't know what that looks like, that I'm so blind to the right man that I'm doomed to never meet him?

As good as I am at lots of things, I'm clearly bad at picking partners. This scares me.

Did I ever mention...

...that I knit now? I took a class called "Knitting for Mindfulness" or something back in February and learned how to knit. I love it very much. I know how to do the knit and perl stitch, and how to follow a pattern, and how cast on and cast off, and how to do all sorts of funky cool stuff. Of course, I haven't done any of it yet, but I know how to do it.

Right now, I'm just perfecting the two stitches on the yarn the teacher gave us. I bought new yarn because I want to make a dog sweater for Ella, but I'm not breaking it out just yet. I need to find the right pattern.

Happy New Year, Y'all!

I have been allergic to my computer for the past couple of weeks. The idea of using my laptop for anything, even checking email, has created a strange reaction. I'm sure this is due to the fact that I used my laptop every single day of last semester.

What that means is that even when I had plenty of opportunities to post while spending Christmas at The Ranch, I didn't want to. So to sum up, it was a great time. TM's family actually got me presents...which I didn't expect...and I didn't have to work as hard with the cows. It was very cool to see all the calves I worked with over the summer all grown up and almost as big as their mothers. I was able to meet the last of TM's family and got to know other family members better. Lots of great food was consumed.

One funny story: it's cold there. Very cold. Negative temperatures were often reported. We would wake up and it would be 15 degrees below or 22 degrees below. I went running one morning and frost formed on my eyelashes. I had to keep wiping my eyes in order to open and close them.

So, it's a New Year. As you may know, I try to avoid resolutions and instead work under a yearly theme...like this one and this one. This time I do have specific goals I want to accomplish, but I still need a theme. So this year, my theme is to Not Get Complacent. This year is going to be rough, and it would be easy for me to blame Harvard for not doing anything else but going to classes and writing papers. But I do want to keep doing things: like exercising, like moving forward on non-course requirements of my degree, like keeping my weight down.

So my theme will be my personal kick-in-the-pants so that I keep my head out of my ass. Wish me luck!

What I've Been Thinking About

As you may well imagine, my head has been swarming with stuff. Instead of boring you in my quest to get into classes and figuring out which ones fit my research needs best...which is what I'm in the middle of now...I thought I would share other random thoughts.

• When someone stops caring about their blog, I wonder what's worse: not posting for a long time or continuing to post regularly, just in a half-assed way?

• There is this one blog that I used to love and now just enjoy...I think that's because the blogger is getting a little too big for his/her britches. He/she is sometimes a little annoying.

• So I listen to this great podcast: Keith and the Girl. It very raunchy, but it reminds me of Howard Stern when he wasn't interviewing strippers and getting B-list actresses to show him their tits. They talk about their lives, their relationship (they've been together for five years), their friends, their struggles to "make it." They are really funny and have some hilarious friends...Patrice is my favorite. Anywhoo, sometimes they will read stuff from the news wire and discuss it. I also listen to the podcast edition of Wait,Wait...Don't Tell Me, NPR news quiz show. I do this because it's really funny. What I have often found is that both of these shows reference the same content. It's weird to hear Keith and Chemda's take on the goat sacrifice in the Nepalese airport, and then hear Peter Sagal read a question about it...it's the difference between the Post and the Times.

• I bought an iPhone yesterday. I'm not thrilled about it like I thought I would be. Partly that's because it was a lot of money...though now it's about the cost of any other high-end smartphone. I got the phone not because of any of its cool features, but because Apple is one smart-ass company. If you buy a Mac...which I did...and use iCal...which I do...and want/need to bring your calendar with you to use and edit...which I do...and don't want to spend hours doing computer geek research on how to get another smartphone to read the software...which I don't...then you get an iPhone. I have now become part of the Apple mob. Yup, they own my ass. At least I'm trapped with a damn cool phone and computer and I didn't use a credit card to pay for it! I don't know if you knew this, but not only did they slash the price from $600 to $400, but they have a $300 one as well.

• So here's the thing...I don't think I'm going to be able to keep this blog up. Sitting here this morning and writing this entry has felt really nice. It's feels good to blog. But I don't think I am going to have the time. I feel like it's been weeks since I've written because so much is happening right now, but I don't have time to document it. It frustrates me...and the less stressful emotions I have right now, the better. I don't think I'm finished with this blog like I was with my last one, but maybe it will go on hiatus or something. I'll give you notice when I take my leave...I make it sound like I have a huge readership or something. That's funny.

• I need a job...very soon.

• I think it's hilarious that I've come to Cambridge and become such a bike girl. I swear to you, biking is the fastest way to get from home to school. Faster than the T even. I'm looking at all my nice shoes and fashion boots thinking about how little wear they are going to get. They were New York shoes.
  

There's so much more I'm thinking about...but I got to get ready for school.

Now I'm Just Bored

I have run out of things that need to be done. Pre-orientation...that's right: pre-orientation. I have a week of pre-orientation, then a week of regular orientation, then classes...doesn't start until next Tuesday, and classes don't even start until Sept. 17!

Due to a well-timed settlement check from a slip-and-fall accident several years ago and not using all my vacation days, I haven't needed to work since I moved...though I will eventually. Which has been great because there has been a lot to do. But now there is not so much to do.

• The apartment is totally set up. All necessary furniture has been assembled, all new curtains hung, all rugs laid.
  

• Ella has had her check-up at her new vet.

• Our car has had its tune-up and inspection and is sitting in front of our home.

• I know where the grocery store, the laundromat, the bank, the post office, the cool coffee shop, and all the restaurants are in our 'hood.
  

• Cable, gas, electric, Internet all hooked up.

Now, I'm just putzing. Doing laundry, going running, watching "Rome" on Netflix...so good that show is! I'm going to sign up for temp agencies this week and look into bartending school. It worked for me 10 years ago. But I feel a little in limbo until next week when I get a better sense of what my life is going to be like.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't have done this any other way. I'm so glad we moved here well before I had to think about school. I couldn't imagine unpacking boxes after an 8-hour orientation on what it means to be a Harvard doctoral student. But my life is pretty boring right about now.

In other news, another one of my oldest friends is married. I'm perfectly content with where TM and I are at, but seeing another friend in a beautiful champagne dress does start to wear on you. As I tell all my other friends that have been to their third and fourth wedding this year: it is the season. We are officially of the age where people are coupling up and popping 'em out. At the wedding reception I was at this weekend, everyone was coupled. Even the people who came alone had girlfriends and husbands at home who just couldn't make it! 'Tis the season. Crazy!

Oh yeah, my birthday was last Friday. It was...by far...the most uneventful birthday I ever had. And it was fine. TM bought me roses and wrote me a beautiful card. I had already used his present...a gift certificate for a massage...the day before. I got phone calls and emails from friends and family. But I spent most of the day in traffic driving from Boston to Washington, DC. It was for a very worthy cause...see description of wedding reception for friend above...so it was all good. I'm 33 now...jeez!

I'm Here. I Promise.

I'm just on the downhill slope of moving/unpacking/IKEA shopping/cable setting up. I have thoughts of my new 'hood and my new life to share. Coming soon.

Saying Goodbye

So...I've begun the process of saying goodbye.

I have one week left as a New Yorker. Next week, TM and I head to Colorado for a vacation and then we're driving back to the East Coast and via a roundabout cross-country trip. Though we'll be back in Brooklyn to load up the truck, I doubt we'll even spend the night. That's why I consider these to be my last days in the city.

I know I'm not going to live in this city again. If TM and I stay together, we'll go West after I graduate. If we don't, I'll go where my career takes me...just not here. I wasn't kidding when I said I'm done with New York. I mean, I'll visit and all that...but that's about it.

TM and I had a really fun going away party a couple of weeks ago. It was there that I was able to have private moments with some wonderful people and say farewell. I also haven't had those opportunities through the actions of others. I've thought about it and, to me, those missed chances are the same as goodbye, just in a different way. Clearly, if connection can't be made at this point, then it's not going to happen in the midst of a doctorate program hundreds of miles away.

Perhaps I'm being dramatic...as I have been wont to do...but I've realized there are certain people in my life I don't expect to ever see again. This saddens and angers me a little bit. But I am reflecting on how I contributed to this expectation and choosing to focus on all the friends that have braved long film shoots, sinus infections, and last minutes changes in venue to show their love. It is Quite Appreciated.