People Got Me Thinking

I just got an email from a friend of mine where she talked about major shifts happening in her life. It was inspirational, really. And I could relate to a lot of it, which made me feel validated somehow.

Anyhow, as I've pointed out on this blog before, I've been trying to be more private in order to learn how to take care of my thoughts and feelings by myself. I feel more independent, more alive when I am successful at it. And it occurred to me that having a blog on the World Wide Web where I post said thoughts and feelings was antithetical to my mission.

I've been thinking about shutting down this blog for a while now. I guess before now my approach was like a cowardly, loser male: just stop calling and eventually she'll get the hint. But I'd like to believe I'm braver than that, so I want to officially end this part of my life.

My other friend told me that "God puts people in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime." I don't dig the God part, but the rest of it has been pretty freeing for me in regards to letting go of stuff. So I'm saying goodbye.

Thanks to all those who supported this venture, either through comments or just by reading.

Something I Love...

I am slowly but surely falling in love with keeping things to myself. I have to say it's very fun to be my own confidant. It also makes me feel stronger.

I can't say more because I'm keeping it to myself! So fun!

On a random note: I was thinking back on all the guys I dated in my life...and goodness gracious, some of them were losers! I wonder what I was thinking back then. Being single is SO much better than hanging out with those wackos.

Oh yeah...did I mention I'm doing pretty well with my year of being single? I had a close call in February and March...Murphy's Law kicking in...but it's not going to work out. I am actually coming to enjoy enjoying singledom. I'm discovering that I spent SO much energy searching...just looking for that someone, that something that would supposedly make me whole. I didn't realized how tired I was until I stopped doing it. I'm still flirting and having crushes, but they serve as pure entertainment.

Good times!

One More Day

The house guest is here for only one more day...SO excited. I'm also dealing with some personal and personnel issues so I have to remind myself of the decisions I made earlier in the year. I need to trust myself more than I doubt myself.

I must say I am proud of myself. Last night was a bad one, but instead of moping in my sweats, I dressed up and went to my school's semi-formal dance. It ended up being a really good time and it meant a lot to the organizers that I was there, since I worked with them during the academic conference I helped organize. I think it made all the difference in my mood for the rest of the weekend.

Right now, I'm watching Key Largo (1948) on TV. I want to be better than it is...there's just a lot of speechifying going on. I'm not complaining however; there is no one in the apartment right now except for Ella and me. Wheuheu!

People are Strange

I've been avoiding people lately. I can't really deal with most of them in my current state. I'm spending a lot of time with my lovely Ella and watching movies. Every time I think about getting to know someone new, it backfires. Which only confirms my initial instinct to stay away from people.

In other news, I am officially a medication soup. I have a psycho-pharmacologist now and she is helping me find the right anti-depressant. I've decided that I want to take one for a while...not just until I'm "better." So the quest becomes that much more arduous because I have to find one that will do the job for the long-term and not give me bad side effects. Add to this the fact that you can't just stop one drug and start another cold turkey, and I am acting like an elderly person: take one pill at night, one pill in the morning, take one pill for two weeks then increase it to two pills for two weeks. Crazy!

It Doesn't Look Good

The reasons why are way too complex to explain here...and I have a 20-minute presentation to research for...but I have a feeling that this summer is going to see a lot of changes. There are some battles you just can't win. That, or you just get too tired to keep trying.

In terms of my issues with Harvard, they haven't gone away, but I have discovered that speaking them out loud makes them easier to bear. I'm not hiding anymore that I'm not doing well. Funny enough, that is making me feel better.

I'll keep you posted on both fronts.

I'm Not Alright

Has this ever happened to you?

Something somewhat upsetting happens to you...nothing major...but upsetting nonetheless. You don't feel it right away. So you tell everyone around you that you are fine...you even believe it yourself.

But then something else happens...something not at all upsetting, but related...and you realize that you are indeed quite upset.

The worst part is that you realize that you've been living in denial in order to not be upset...and that you can't stay that way. Even if you have to make hard decisions.

That's what happened to me this morning.

Family is Hard

Especially when it's not your family, but you are still very connected. But the family may not see you that way...at least not yet.

When you are observing family from afar, all its attributes and its flaws are crystal clear, and you can revel in the fact that they are so different from you. But as you get closer, when you and other people stop being on 'best behavior', you realize how much their attributes and their flaws are similar to your own.

When you are trying to create family with another person, and you watch that person interact with his original family, you realize that your version of family is so new and fragile compared to the years of history and stories and adventures. It's enough to make one feel like she doesn't have a leg to stand on.

And of course, you don't want to be that girl...the one who everyone has to appease because she doesn't know 'how things are'. But you end up being that girl anyway because you are feeling like you've always missed the private joke, even when people try to explain it. After all, family is nice and supportive and as welcoming as they can be.

And all this doesn't even take into consideration when you feel like so much is at stake because you really want to be part of family, that you want to get in on the private joke. It all just sucks because ultimately, you feel like you're blowing it.

That's all I got tonight.

The Toast I Should Have Given

You have overcome so much. Yet you continue to improve yourself, to want to learn about yourself, to be better at everything you do. In your journey of learning, you end up teaching everyone around you. That is why so many people want to know you...that is why I am thrilled that I do.

Every time you say "my friend" and refer to me...it is one of the proudest moments of my life. Thank you for loving me for all these years.

Saying Goodbye

So...I've begun the process of saying goodbye.

I have one week left as a New Yorker. Next week, TM and I head to Colorado for a vacation and then we're driving back to the East Coast and via a roundabout cross-country trip. Though we'll be back in Brooklyn to load up the truck, I doubt we'll even spend the night. That's why I consider these to be my last days in the city.

I know I'm not going to live in this city again. If TM and I stay together, we'll go West after I graduate. If we don't, I'll go where my career takes me...just not here. I wasn't kidding when I said I'm done with New York. I mean, I'll visit and all that...but that's about it.

TM and I had a really fun going away party a couple of weeks ago. It was there that I was able to have private moments with some wonderful people and say farewell. I also haven't had those opportunities through the actions of others. I've thought about it and, to me, those missed chances are the same as goodbye, just in a different way. Clearly, if connection can't be made at this point, then it's not going to happen in the midst of a doctorate program hundreds of miles away.

Perhaps I'm being dramatic...as I have been wont to do...but I've realized there are certain people in my life I don't expect to ever see again. This saddens and angers me a little bit. But I am reflecting on how I contributed to this expectation and choosing to focus on all the friends that have braved long film shoots, sinus infections, and last minutes changes in venue to show their love. It is Quite Appreciated.

The Crush Grows...

My crush on Barack Obama was never a crippling one...the way I lust for Channing Tatum, for instance. However, I do heart Barack a great deal. This Times article just made the crush grow. Now, I don't want to hear him give a speech...I want to sit on the benches of a street court and watch Barack play pick-up basketball.

Of course, if I get an opportunity to hear him give a speech, I won't pass it up.

In other news, it has been reported that Michael Patrick King is writing the script for the "Sex in the City" movie. It's about time! is what I say. I hope he doesn't pick up where the show left off because it's been a good three years since that show ended. I don't want to see the ladies plastered in make-up to make them look younger. I would like to see the 4-year-old Brady and the toddler that Charlotte and Harry adopted. Of course, Mario Cantone is the source of this information and even he admits none of the stars has officially signed on to be in it. So don't hold your breath.

I recently went on a rant about the horrors of run-on sentences in a particular book...which I can't name because I didn't like it. Ever since then, I've discovered I talk in run-ons all the time. And since this blog is usually conversational, I find that I write in run-on sentences here. So now I'm hyper-conscious about inserting appropriate periods. I understand that, although they flow when heard, they often do not flow when read.

What else? I'm going to MA this weekend and hopefully will come back with an apartment in a highly-gentrified area. Call me bougie, but I am so tired of only having West Indian, take-out Chinese, and pizza as my restaurant options in my neighborhood. I just want to live near a grocery store where I can get mesclun greens and asparagus consistently.

I've been thinking about taking a hiatus from this blog. I want to try my hand at more creative writing...not for publication or anything...just to keep myself arty. The energy that I use for this blog may be diverting that goal. No final decisions yet...just thinking about it. Of course, a full course load at Harvard may end this blog with the quickness!

Oh! A big shout-out to my sent-from-the-heavens boyfriend and my kick-ass friends for putting up with me. I spent last weekend with a woman who is very similar to me in certain respects...it wasn't easy!

The 5 Question Interview, Part 2

You can find out why I'm writing this post here. These questions were asked of me by tuckergurl. This is a very scary exercise, but you just can't turn away.

1. Have you and The Rover talked about what raising multi-racial kids will be like? She meant TM...she'd had some red wine as she wrote these.
Surprisingly no. We've talked about the values we want to impart to them and who will be the disciplinarian, but we haven't talked about the racial/cultural component. I think - without knowing it - that my dad and stepmom...who's white...are my guides. As far as I see, they don't "prep" my brother to be biracial. They face problems from without as they come up with no shame, and they have taught him about his family his entire life. Of course, they are very fortunate to live in a tolerant community, but race has never been a "thing."

So I'm hoping to adopt that philosophy. I am not so naive to think that race won't be an issue by the time my child comes into the world. As I write this, I'm realizing I believe that biracial people...of any combination...are more accepted by society that straight black people. Huh. I have to think about this.

2. If you could have any occupation in the world (other than the one you have), what would it be?
I have two answers. I would either:

• run a small theatre company of quality in a community that really values theatre, or
• be a camp counselor in Maine.

3. If you could spend a night with one celebrity, who would it be?
So many are coming to mind! Wait a minute! I'm ashamed it took me this long...Channing Tatum, of course! God, that would be good stuff!

4. What is your biggest regret?
I had one answer for this for years, but writing it doesn't seem right. Huh...again. I think I may have forgiven myself for that one. I think my biggest regret is not going through with breaking up with Ex during our trip to Miami 7 months into our relationship. I actually told him that I wanted to break up because he didn't seem to accept me as I was. But then we made up...sort of. I should have kept walking.

5. What's your favorite movie?
There are SO many. But I guess I would have to say Dirty Dancing. That one has the strongest emotional tie for me. I can remember that film in a way I remember no other.

Wish

I wish that people could read your mind, but only when you wanted them to. Then we all wouldn't have to explain so much...wouldn't have to communicate so much. Perhaps empathy would be so much easier then.

Untitled

Sometimes I think I'm too broken to hold on to happiness.

The Definition of a Fireball

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like the fabulous yellow Roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars..." -Jack Kerouac

"Giving Flowers While They're Alive"

My Aunt Polly told me that during the wake of my grandmother seven years ago. I was offended by all the people coming up to my mother saying how much they loved my grandmother when neither Grandma nor my mom had heard from them in decades. They had a right to be there and mourn her passing but don't be fake about it, was what I thought. Polly said that the key was to give flowers to people while they're alive, because they are of no use to someone when they're dead. I've been trying to live that saying every day. It makes it so much easier to give compliments and not feel weird or exposed. I'm just giving flowers while they're alive.

I say this because a good friend of mine has been quite supportive of me lately. It's not about supporting me through a crisis or anything...she's just been there, you know? So, just in case I haven't said it as much as I've thought it, I want to let her know that I notice the support and I really appreciate it.

Boys are Funny

Why is it that they want something...or someone...the instant they can't have it? And why is it that the instant they get what they want they don't want it anymore? As a woman you just have to laugh.

Gratitude and Hope

Let me start out by saying that I have probably doomed myself by proclaiming my thoughts and feelings about this man. I have this nagging pattern of ruining potential by merely mentioning my interest. But this one caught me off guard. I didn't plan on "interest," just a fun night.

I just finished writing seven paragraphs about how we met, how much fun we had, etc. I deleted it all. It's not doing my experience justice. This man is unlike anyone I've ever met. He is on a path to deeper self-awareness and spirituality...and he misses the fact that he can't watch "SportsCenter" in the morning with his new work schedule. He likes to analyze his thoughts and actions just like I do...and he is a horn dog! He can go out and down some beers with the fellas...and he knows the name of every tree in my neighborhood.

Very long story short: I took him home on Friday night, we ended up talking and talking some more on Saturday morning. We saw each other again on Sunday and it felt right as rain.

Now I am all flummoxed. We connected...but I don't know what it means. I know I will hear from him again. But I don't know if I will ever see him again. And though I am hesitant to admit this...I really want to see him again. One of the many wonderful things he shared with me was that in order to attract more, I need to appreciate what I have. So instead of looking beyond myself...I should just sit still and be thankful. I'm taking that gift to heart.

Can I be appreciative and still want him to invite me to Buffalo?

Not All Epiphanies are Good Epiphanies

Some of them are actually kind of painful. Some of them make you realize things that you really didn't want to. They require you to face some hard truths. You then have to deal with those hard truths, figure out how to carry them or get rid of them, like an awkwardly shaped piece of luggage. Some epiphanies force you to change the way you relate to others, even when you all you want is the exact opposite.

But because they are epiphanies, there's no turning back...you can't unrealize an epiphany.

You Know that Scene...

...the scene in Clueless when Cher couldn't find her Fred Segal shirt so she went to her driving test in another shirt but was all distracted so she failed and then she came back home and Ty was playing hackey sack with Josh and then Ty said that she wanted Josh and when Cher poo-pooed the idea Ty called her something nasty and then when Ty left Cher started to feel claustrophobic and like she was going to throw up so she went on a long walk?

That's what I feel like today...like I need to get out.

Admission is the First Step...

I had the hardest time falling asleep last night. I couldn't figure out why. I spent the evening getting intoxicated at a work event. It was very late at night; one could even say it was very early in the morning. I had to wake up at an ungodly hour to do all the things I should have done early in the week. Why, oh why, could I not sleep?

And then it hit me...I'm heading to my 10-year college reunion today. And I'm anxious about it. There are the expected anxieties: I've gained weight since college, I'm still single, blah, blah, blah.

And there are the bad timing anxieties...what regularly scheduled event that makes you moody and bloated would you not want to occur during a time when you want to look and feel your best? Yup.

And then there are the specific to me anxieties. Certain events this past week have brought into stark relief the part of college that was filled with bad decisions. The part where I was looking for something in all the wrong places and in all the wrong ways. The part where I spent so much energy morphing myself into someone I wasn't just to have a taste of what I was looking for. I am confident that I am not that person anymore...though she still exists somewhere in my psyche...but I'm anxious that the people I re-meet this weekend won't know that. That I'll be treated the same way I was in college. It's already happened once. I'll tell you about it in another post.

Once this conclusion came to me, I rolled over and fell asleep.