Family is Hard

Especially when it's not your family, but you are still very connected. But the family may not see you that way...at least not yet.

When you are observing family from afar, all its attributes and its flaws are crystal clear, and you can revel in the fact that they are so different from you. But as you get closer, when you and other people stop being on 'best behavior', you realize how much their attributes and their flaws are similar to your own.

When you are trying to create family with another person, and you watch that person interact with his original family, you realize that your version of family is so new and fragile compared to the years of history and stories and adventures. It's enough to make one feel like she doesn't have a leg to stand on.

And of course, you don't want to be that girl...the one who everyone has to appease because she doesn't know 'how things are'. But you end up being that girl anyway because you are feeling like you've always missed the private joke, even when people try to explain it. After all, family is nice and supportive and as welcoming as they can be.

And all this doesn't even take into consideration when you feel like so much is at stake because you really want to be part of family, that you want to get in on the private joke. It all just sucks because ultimately, you feel like you're blowing it.

That's all I got tonight.