Lessons from Our First Fight?

My guy and I had our first unpleasant conversation this evening. Boy, did I learn a ton. I also need to come up with a good pseudonym for him.

Lesson #1: I know what he sounds like when he's mad. I should clarify...he wasn't mad at me. He had a horrible day at work and needed to vent about corporate culture and his boss. He is a passionate man, so he really vented.

Lesson #2: I have more testosterone than I thought. I fancy myself quite empathic and touchy-feely. I'm a listener, for goodness' sake! That's like the highest compliment for a woman, is it not? Kidding! However, some of my first responses were questions like: "What's the next step?" "What can I do to help you?" Basically, I turned into a dude and tried to fix it.

Lesson #3: He has more. It was kind of amazing how respectfully yet firmly he told me what he needed. It definitely wasn't me telling him what to do...not at that moment.

Lesson #4: I am not used to healthy disagreement. I've heard stories of what it's supposed to look like. I've studied it in the context of organizational behavior. But it is clear I will have to practice listening without taking it all personally. I will have to practice arguing the issues and not the person.

I think the most important lesson is how invested I am in him. I want him to be happy, really happy. I also want him to be employed, really employed. When he spoke of his urge to just walk out of the building and never look back, I was torn between empathy and fear. I felt bad for him, but also felt quitting was not an option.

The last lesson is ultimately about me projecting my own fears and lack of trust, along with my distorted views of money and work and self-esteem. He and I have plans as a couple, but they are in their infancy...we are in our infancy. It is unhealthy and unwise to hold onto them so tight. I know I am important to him...I know our goals are important to him. I have to trust he won't jeopardize them, just like I won't.

As I write this, I'm also thinking investment is not all bad. He even acknowledged that I had a right to get pissed if he up and quit his job. I have to figure out for myself what makes sense at this point in our relationship.

I have more to write, but I have to go to bed.

Conflicted, Conflicting

I didn't have any high expectations for the holiday weekend. I was doing something I'd never done: snowboarding. And I was spending it with someone I'd never imagine I would: a new friend whom I've known since high school. I was looking forward to linking my turns, getting a good buzz on, and meeting some new people. That's about it.

Those things did indeed happen. But something much more took place. I met a guy...more than a guy. We were compatible from the moment we started dancing together. Not only does he say the right things, he does the right things. He is perfect for me in his imperfections. We are as different as we are similar and we don't seem to mind.

And he really likes me.

I mean shut-down-his-eHarmony-profile, have-closing-conversations-with-women-he-was-seeing-before, make-my-picture-the-wallpaper-on-his-phone, introduce-me-to-his-best-friend likes me.

When I just relax and enjoy it, it's wonderful. Full of laughter and conversation and passion. I don't tell many people when I'm dating someone, because it usually blows up in my face and I don't like dealing with the subsequent questions. I have no problem actually lying to my friends when they ask about my love life. But when I am relaxing and enjoying, I want to scream about this from the rooftops. I want to introduce him to everyone.

Then there are many times when I question. Think about how easy it is to say and do all he as said and done. Wonder what it is he isn't telling me, even as he shares things he hardly tells anyone. Realize how stupid it is to be so into a man I've known less than a week. It is then I bite my tongue when I think about telling anyone.

I mean it is really silly for us to feel like teenagers when we're well into our 30s (he's one year older than me). And yet...we feel like teenagers when we're well into our 30s, you know? I haven't felt this mutual giddiness in a very long while. I think about him all the time...do you know how long it's been since I've thought about any man all the time?

Right now, I'm conflicted between staying in the moment and being "realistic." Because for some reason, those two things are not the same. Even though this is my reality. It seems as though staying in the moment equals losing myself. I wonder why I can't feel blissful without feeling a bit untethered.

We'll see...

To Thine Own Self Be True?

I wonder...if I am already a "type" of person - especially when in a relationship - should I try and buck the trend?

Ultimately this is a futile question...of course I'm going to if I'm not happy. I guess the real question becomes: can I be happy as a different "type?"

Hate to Be That Person

I've recently discovered I'm becoming that woman who is so afraid of becoming involved with someone that I am rationalizing my fear by coming up with excuses to avoid putting myself out there..."I'm too busy." "It's exhausting." "They're all idiots."

I am also repeating my pattern of trying to maintain a friendship to a man who is unworthy. I can let him go, but I don't think I want to let him off the hook. And so, I cut off my nose to spite my face. Why?

Something I Love...

I am slowly but surely falling in love with keeping things to myself. I have to say it's very fun to be my own confidant. It also makes me feel stronger.

I can't say more because I'm keeping it to myself! So fun!

On a random note: I was thinking back on all the guys I dated in my life...and goodness gracious, some of them were losers! I wonder what I was thinking back then. Being single is SO much better than hanging out with those wackos.

Oh yeah...did I mention I'm doing pretty well with my year of being single? I had a close call in February and March...Murphy's Law kicking in...but it's not going to work out. I am actually coming to enjoy enjoying singledom. I'm discovering that I spent SO much energy searching...just looking for that someone, that something that would supposedly make me whole. I didn't realized how tired I was until I stopped doing it. I'm still flirting and having crushes, but they serve as pure entertainment.

Good times!

It's a New Year?

I know it's 2009 and all, but for the life of me I don't feel renewed, rejuvenated, re-anything. The only dates I'm thinking about are all the due dates for my assignments and of course, January 14th. That's the day I leave for my first solo vacation. 

I went back and look at my postings on this blog from last January. I'm pleasantly surprised to report that I have made good on my goal to not get complacent. I have lost weight, I have spent this year doing more non-school stuff, especially attending theatre. I have not made as much progress as I would have liked on my own research, but I am getting there. Of course, a bunch of unexpected things have happened, but what are you going to do?

I had a wonderful conversation with Tuckergurl, and she helped me see my resolution to not fall in love in a new way. I still believe that I am not meant to grow old with a partner, but on my path to come to peace with that realization, this will be the year that I Stop Looking for Love. I mean really stop. Not do that thing where I say I'm not looking, but I keep glancing over my shoulder, or keep listening for the phone to ring. I am going to actively avoid love. Men will be nothing but friends and if I start to feel something more, then I'll stop being friends. 

I know it seems silly, but I no longer trust my own instincts or judgment. If I fall for someone, I no longer believe that experience will benefit my life. And I fear for my own sanity if I continue to try and fail. I know this is real because I usually don't live my life scared by my depression. But I don't think that I could survive any more rejection...and I know I could survive living alone.

I'll be 35 this year, so here's to the first year of the rest of my life. 

P.S. I will also try to spend this year NOT talking about this all the time!

I May Be a Drama Queen, but...

...I really don't care. I got dumped last night by a guy that I thought was cool and interesting and challenging...in a good way. We weren't really in a relationship, so I don't know if "dumped" is the right word.

Anywheu, I came to a decision: I'm done looking for lasting love. I've been dating for almost 20 years. I've had some great relationships and some shitty ones. And I have most definitely put myself out there; I really do want to get married, have kids, the whole shebang. 

But it's abundantly clear that I am not good at maintaining a real relationship. And, though I may be strong, I'm not strong enough for this. My mental health can't handle this type of rejection the way it used to. Perhaps it could never handle it, but now I'm more aware of it. 

I've gotten so much positive reinforcement from people who really love me. They tell me that I am great and deserve love, but perhaps I'm not being honest with them, maybe I'm not so great. Perhaps they are not being honest with me, maybe they are trying to spare my feelings. Because, for the life of me, I can't understand how if I am so great, then why won't anyone love me? The only logical conclusion is that I'm broken in some way. I know this sounds melodramatic, and I wish there was a way to present this without sounding as such, but it is honestly how I feel. There's something wrong with me...it's the only thing that makes sense.

I know that love doesn't happen the way it does in movies. There is no man who will fight and fight for me until he has broken down all my defenses and proven his undying love. And unfortunately, that's the only way I can imagine putting myself out there again.

As I write these words, I recognize them. I'm sure if you searched for the word "broken" and/or "love" on this blog you would find something, but I'm writing down my surrender here, in public, so that the next time I get the foolish notion that I want to find a relationship, someone can remind me that I gave up on that. 

I think I can have a full life without a partner. I'm going to have a great career, I already have wonderful friends. I'm going to travel and have adventures. I'm brave enough to do a lot of things on my own. I think I will cultivate that bravery from now on. I will dote on my friends' children and be "cool" Aunt L. Britt.

My New Life's Resolution: to stop trying to fall in love.

I'm Annoyed with a Boy

I've been on several dates with a guy. Things are going well...slow and well. We started up right before Thanksgiving and we've seen each other on the regular ever since. 

I'm away for the Christmas week...Hilton Head, South Carolina to be exact. My family and I walked along the beach today. I wore sandals. It's freakin' awesome! 

The guy and I saw each other right before I left. It was a very nice time. He said that he looked forward to talking to me while I was away. He actually asked that I contact him while I was away. That made me happy.

So I did. I left him a message yesterday asking him to call me back...nothing. I called him tonight to wish him a Merry Christmas...again nothing.

I'm done calling. And I'm annoyed.

I'm very annoyed.

I Need New Glasses

I'm much better at getting out of bad situations with men faster. When I see red flags, I am bringing them out into the open much sooner. And I've gained the strength to walk away when those flags keep waving. I am amazingly proud of myself for that.

But that is no longer enough. Now I want to stop being drawn to men with red flags in the first place. I just want a man who has the time and the energy to really get to know me, to figure out if he wants to be with me. I honestly don't think I'm asking for too much, and yet...

I'll run by my therapist tomorrow.

Love the One You're With

I may be single right now, but at least I'm not dating this douche!

P.S. The man you see is not the actual Dimitri, he's an actor lip syncing the message. It's wicked funny.



Here's Part Two...

Causal Claims from Correlational Data

The title of this post is a statistical concept. One of the mantras of social science research is that a person cannot claim to have proven one thing causes another when they have only presented evidence of a relationship between two variables. An example often used is the statement: Ice cream causes more crime. Just because there is a relationship between these two things...both things increase in the summer...doesn't mean that one causes another.

I say all that to say that I've had a very rough week emotionally. I have missed TM like I missed him 2 1/2 months ago. I have gone over old emails, old pictures, reviewed good times and bad in my head like a movie. I have wanted him back and wanted to never see him again.

Simultaneously, I have gone to dinner with friends, done research, seen a movie with my sister, looked for a bartending gig for the summer, facilitated a conference, helped a friend move, and took care of Ella through a medical emergency. So it's not like I'm sitting around moping or anything.

I've been trying to figure out why this week? Why is this amazing sadness coming over me now? And I have two explanations. However, I must preface these possibilities with the fact that I can't say for sure if these events are causing the sadness or just happen to be in proximity to the sadness.

1. The depression that I was so scared of has caught up to me. Now that my semester is done, and I have time to relax, the true weight of my loss is barreling down on me. Just like before. I will now have to start taking anti-depressants again and may have to spend the summer in the hospital. Just like before.
2. I met a guy. I don't know much about him, but what I do know, I like. First of all, he's older than me. He and I are both in the same doctorate program and our research interests are similar. He's told me that my passion and drive are "encouraging" to him. Already worlds different from what I've known before. My friend told me that the reason why I'm sad is because as I open a new door, I'm closing one behind me. And that's bittersweet.

Perhaps I'm not ready to go through the door...we'll see after the first date. Perhaps I'm succumbing to depression again...we'll see after my therapist's appointment. Perhaps I'm just dealing with a major break-up and some weeks are worse than others...we'll see next week. I guess the best thing I can do is see. I'm desperately trying not to jump to any causal conclusions while I just observe myself.

P.S. By the way, I got an "A" in Intermediate Statistics this past semester. One of the most challenging courses in the school.

An Update on a "Cult Leader"

I don't know if you remember this, but right before I met TM I spent a lame weekend with a dude in Buffalo, NY. It was a crappy weekend, but I got to go to Canada and I saw Niagara Falls. Anyway, we spent one night with this "spiritual guru" that the loser guy was all into, and when I got home, I wrote about my reactions to him, which weren't positive. I went through a range of emotions that night, but ultimately decided that he wasn't for me. It wasn't what he was saying that was so scary, it was what his followers were saying that freaked me out.

I got a couple of comments from Bijan followers telling me that "I didn't understand." Whatevs.

But a couple of weeks ago, I started getting a lot of comments to that post; some of them pointed me to the story I'm about to tell you, others were rants defending him. It was weird because I wrote the post a year and a half ago. I am in the middle of finals so I haven't had time to look into it, but I'm wrapping up my 15-page statistics final, so to celebrate I went on a treasure hunt.

The source is here. This isn't the first time I've been quoted, but my blog is not big like tuckergurl's, so it's still a bit of a shock when I'm cited on a page I've never visited.

The reason: apparently that "guru" Bijan Anjomi was arrested last week on three counts of sexual assault to two women during what was supposed to be "personal coaching sessions" with the women. He's 64; the women were 27 and 37. Ick.

The fact that the narcissistic loser from Buffalo was drawn to this snake oil salesmen does not surprise me at all. In fact, I have come across more than my fair share of egotistical men who point to some "great thinker" to justify their selfishness. I'm sick of it.

I hope they throw the book at Bijan.

Ay, There's the Rub

I'm being sad today. I showed TM a moment of weakness last night...don't worry, it was only over text message telling him I missed him. He responded by ignoring me...surprise, surprise. I guess I can't ever show TM my vulnerability again.

The thing is...everyone is telling me that I am so great and that I now have made room for the person strong enough to truly support me to come into my life. But I have proven that I am horrible at locating that person. True, TM was worlds better than Ex, but they were the same in that they were incapable of truly being there for me. What if I just don't know what that looks like, that I'm so blind to the right man that I'm doomed to never meet him?

As good as I am at lots of things, I'm clearly bad at picking partners. This scares me.

More "Good" News

A friend of mine...who's also my crush here at Harvard...just came to visit me while I'm working in the library with news that him and his really cool girlfriend just got engaged.

He's the third person in my cohort to get engaged this school year.

I'm happy for all of them...but I still want to cry.

News Flash!

I have been remiss in posting...I apologize. I do have crazy stories to tell, including one where I help castrate several male calves by pulling their balls down so that a rubber band can be placed on them like a tourniquet so they fall off. No joke.

However, I must inform all those that know TM that at approximately 11:30pm on this day, TM cut all his hair off. Again...no joke. He just got sick of it and so his mother put his hair in a 10-inch long braid and cut it off. Now his hair is right below his ears. We're donating the braid to Locks of Love.

None of us really know how to cut hair, so on our way to start our cross-country trip back to the East Coast, TM and I will stop at a barber's to help shape it.

Can you believe it?

UPDATE: TM went to a mall hair salon in Santa Fe, NM and he got a $20 haircut to shape up the girl bob that emerged after his mother cut his ponytail off. I was worried, but it turned out fantastic. He's always been handsome to me, but now he looks even more so. He looks the same as well. It's weird. It's him...only handsomer.

Tight Lipped

Before I begin, I just wanted to say that I hosted my second Christmas dinner last night. I think it went pretty well. Everyone got drunk from eating too much, no one got sick from drinking to0 much, and people felt comfortable enough to stay till 1:00 am. Ella and I got to spend our first Christmas surrounded by friends new and old, and one kick-ass newborn. AND...I woke up this morning with only six wine glasses to wash because I had periodically been washing dishes all through the evening.

I learned yet some more things about myself yesterday:

1. I've got one twisted sense of humor. The older I get, the more twisted it seems to get.
2. I am extremely Type A when it comes to entertaining in my home. I don't want to be, but I just am. I thought that being Type A was just about being on a power trip. But it isn't. I would just to get really anxious if things weren't being done a particular way. So my Type A-ness would kick in because it made the anxiety go away...and I felt better. And it was very specific to getting rid of trash and putting unused item away. I just didn't want anything superfluous around while I was cooking. It was strange to recognize that.
   

On to my post.

I've spoken before about my silence regarding my love life. I'm contemplating whether or not it is self-imposed. Clearly, I'm not all that comfortable gushing about most anything. Maybe it's some warped sense of not wanting to make other people uncomfortable. I'd hate to be one of those women who only talks about their boyfriend, yet there is a reason that phenomenon exists. In the early stages of a relationship, it's normal to be smitten with every little thing he does. It doesn't necessarily make you co-dependent, or moving too fast, or unrealistic...does it?

Perhaps I'm afraid my friends will say what I say to myself ALL THE TIME: Well, you felt so good about Ex and see how that turned out. If this doesn't work out, like all the other ones didn't work out, how stupid will I feel? Pretty.

I think I might be afraid that they'll say I brought it on myself. Which of course I did. Which of course everyone does when they enter a relationship and it doesn't work out. Unless the red flags were there from the beginning and you didn't see them. In that case, you REALLY don't deserve any sympathy. Which is what happened with Ex. But of course I didn't have the vision I have now, so there was no way I would have seen them then. Arggghhhh!

All I know is that I want to gush about The Mormon. I'm crazy about him. With him, I have had some of the best times I've ever had with a man.

We are both very comfortable having a moment and then analyzing that moment, so for the first time ever, I feel completely comfortable to be my overanalytical self.

He is funny, romantic, passionate, so sweet.

He is not afraid to tell AND show me how he feels about me. I've never felt so loved and he hasn't even said the words.

We've only been dating for a couple of months, but I felt we should have been together for Christmas. And we should have definitely been together for New Year's.

I am thrilled he is a part of my life and I am a part of his.

See? That wasn't so hard. So why do I feel bad? Eh...I don't know. I am going to try to be proud of myself for not letting that fear stop me from attempting to be present for this amazing experience.

Labels

So I'm a girlfriend again.

The Mormon officially asked me to be his girlfriend on Sunday night. And he actually asked me...it reminded me of the scene in Easy that I like so much. And though I am thrilled by the fact that I am his girlfriend, the fact that I am A Girlfriend is kind of strange to me.

I know...it makes no sense.

I've dated since Ex, but I haven't been in a committed relationship since him and I guess that is what's so strange to me. There was a time when I never thought I would be in a relationship again. Yet, here I am.

And it's a nice one, nonetheless!

One where he makes a point of asking me how my day went; one where I am Sa-Tis-Fied, if you catch my drift; one where we love learning about and from each other.

There is a part of me that wonders when this is going to end, because of course this is going to end, right. What I am going to do to mess this up.

But I don't wonder enough to stop. I'm too happy.

I'm not rebelling against the label "girlfriend." I'm very comfortable with traditional societal roles and names for things. It what it means, you know? I am someone's girlfriend! Ahhhh!

The bonus I guess is that someone is my boyfriend. So I have a date on Saturday night, and someone to beat up people who are mean to me...though I would never make The Mormon do that. Well...maybe...depending...

I don't know. Ultimately, I'm happy to be his girlfriend and I'm glad he's my boyfriend and I'm having a great time and feel really good, so I'm not going to angst over this too much.

I Think I Was Duped

I think someone pulled a fast one on me. I grew up thinking that when you find "the One," "your soulmate," "the love of your life," or whatever, all issues disappear in a puff of smoke. Or a fairy godmother soaks up all your insecurities into her magic wand. Or all the animals of the forest gather together to create a trap for your inner demons and throw them into the sea.

I subscribed to this belief wholeheartedly. So when Ex called me "the One," I assumed everything was going to be okay from then on. When things ended up being the complete opposite of okay, I blinded myself to with the notion that my fairy family member must have sucked up all my fears while I wasn't looking, which explained why I felt like shit. It couldn't have been because Ex was verbally and emotionally abusive...I was his "One."

Now I see that, in fact, relationship issues do not go away at all when you begin a cool, new one. In actuality, they are likely to rear up even stronger. A positive relationship is when you're interacting with someone who wholly accepts you as you are, calls you out on your shit respectfully, and makes you want to be a better person. Yet, if you've got issues with true acceptance or perhaps if you've never had this type of relationship before, it may cause you some anxiety...even while you are relishing in such positivity.

I'm thinking I have cause for a lawsuit against Disney.

"Scared Shitless"

I'm not going into details because of my superstition about cursing new relationships by talking about them. Also, this post may not make much sense because I am still trying to make sense of it. But I am now seeing a guy whom I really like. It's been about a month. He is a guy that I would have never even considered had I met him in a lounge or on the subway: he's really tall, very thin, and he has long hair. He's also much younger than me. Luckily, I got to know him as a person through a very rigorous "getting to know you process" via an online dating service. Now I really dig him.

Since then, we've been several dates and talked about our families, our futures, our pasts, our politics. He knows all about my life-changing event and he also knows I don't like his hair (we've decided not to talk about it). He makes me laugh and I make him dinner.

I'm completely scared shitless. We just spent a great weekend together and there was a moment when I got so scared of my feelings for him that I almost kicked him out of my apartment. The last time I felt this way...something real...it was with Ex...and that turned out horribly, see the beginning of this blog. Just when I think that I have finally worked Ex out of my system, his effects keep lingering on. Luckily, this new guy is a big fan of dialogue, so we were able to talk it out.

This isn't official by any means, but we have fun when we're together and our eyes are wide open. So we are just going to keep hanging out. And he is going to be wonderfully patient while I work out my fears.

Capturing the Flags

Before I begin...a story and cautionary tale about what you should NEVER do to anyone, especially on a first date.

I had a date with a man we'll call "Ellis." Hint: I refer to one of Joan's boyfriends on "Girlfriends." I was really looking forward to it because he looked so good on paper: interesting job, owned a dog, lived in Brooklyn, etc. However, I soon discovered that there was absolutely no chemistry. We ended up talking about our jobs...a lot! The conversation never got away from trite observations. Every time I asked Ellis an insightful question, he answered with a pedestrian response.

That wasn't even the worse part of the evening. At one point, I was telling Ellis about my cheese thing...see #3 here. He was shocked! And then he did the most annoying thing EVER...he said, "You just haven't had good cheese." He then proceeded to explain that all I need is to be taken to a good cheese shop and then I'll appreciate it. I tried to tell him that I have had good cheese...I've tasted it in several circumstances and I just like what I like. He wasn't hearing it. I finally had to put my hand on the table in a "stop talking" gesture. I said to him, "Ellis, I'm 32 years old. I don't like cheese." I think he finally got the point.

He then tried to joke off the fact that 30 minutes into our first in-person conversation, he felt he knew me enough to tell me what I like. I laughed as well...but that was only to dispel my urge to sock him one.

I was able to laugh about that event upon minutes of ending the date, but I noticed something about myself. Actually, two things:

1. I put the kibosh on his arrogant behavior. Before Ex, I would have swallowed my anger and said something meek like "Maybe you're right, Ellis." But not only did I stand my ground, but I told him that his presumptions were offending me. Yeah, me!

2. A red flag went up for me in that moment. Here is a man that didn't listen when I told him something about myself. A man that proceeded to tell me I was mistaken on a point that has to do with ME!!! We weren't arguing a point of the day...I was telling him something about myself and he refuted me. That's not cool. Worse than not being cool, that's familiar to me. And I am not a fan of repeating history. When Ex used to tell me what I felt and thought was wrong, I actually listened and felt like shyt.

So the date ended with me thinking this would be our first and last date...but then he said he wanted "to do this again." What the...?!?!?!? Ellis also said, "So you have my number....", implying that it's my turn. Whatever!

I think I will call him to tell him that I don't think it's going to work out, but only because I HATE it when guys don't call even to say that it's not going to continue. But I am happy that I am learning to respect myself more in dating situations. I still have a long way to go, but I am getting better.