I'm Moving...Again

Guess what? I'm moving again. This will be the third apartment since I've moved back to Boston. Yes, that's right...third. One would think that I would be fazed by this development. Surprisingly I'm not. 

Perhaps it's because of the reasons behind this move. They are as follows:

1. My landlord is going to increase the rent. It's not by much, but it's enough to push it past the tipping point of "not worth it." 

2. The apartment has been having some issues as of late. Mold on the bathroom ceiling, kitchen sink plumbing on its last leg, basement overflowing with years of tenants' junk. The problem is that my landlord has said that she was going to fix these things for months and never has. Annoying.

3. Finally, I found out last week that this house is in preforeclosure. The process began in February. The thing is, I didn't find out via our landlord; I found out on the internet. Not cool. Not cool at all.

So I'm out. Even if the process takes a while, I just don't want to be anywhere near this because I'm at the bottom of the housing totem pole, which means I'll get shafted. I've already found a great apartment in my same neighborhood. It's $75/month cheaper with a fabulous kitchen, a huge room, and only one additional roommate. And it has a dishwasher! I'll be living with a dishwasher for the first time in my life!

Space Cadet

These have not been the best of times for me. Granted, these aren't the worst I've seen, but they have been pretty rough. I'm feeling relatively good emotionally, though physically I've been plagued with some vague but real symptoms. I'm thinking they are due to the stress of the end of the semester, but I'm seeing a doctor just in case.

Today, however, I'm completely out of it. I found out that my grandmother had a massive stroke yesterday. She's had a bunch in her life, but this one was the most severe: she is paralyzed on one full side of her body. She can't eat on her own because the thing in the throat that moves over to let food go down the wrong pipe isn't working. She is breathing on her own, however. 

The worst part about it is that she is fully alert, even though she can't move and can't talk. This is very bad for her because she has always been a fiercely independent woman; she's also extremely stubborn. My dad says that she keeps trying to talk and trying to move and is getting very frustrated with her inability to do so. I'm very upset by this news. This should be expected, I know, but it surprises me.

We knew this was going to happen. After her first stroke about four years ago, the doctors told my dad that it was the beginning of the end. Her brain and her body were shutting down. She would slowing stop remembering words, faces. Then her brain would stop remembering how to take care of itself. At the time, we thought that whole process would happen quickly. Four years later, she's still here. Which made me think that she would be here for quite a while longer.

I've never been very close to my grandma. I know she loves me, but every time I saw her, she criticized me. Getting to know each other wasn't really high on our priority list. I don't feel guilty about that, but right now, I am aching for her. That she is aware of her inability to move or talk must be torturous for her. The woman has been incredibly strong for more than 90 years; now her body has stopped cooperating.

I'm spending the afternoon staring at my computer screen, trying to do work, and talking on the phone. What I really want to do is take a nap.

I Held a 4-Hour-Old Tonight

'Nuff said.

I Miss NYC Today

I don't really miss living in NYC. I don't like Boston very much at all, but I am glad I left New York. It was making me too hard and cynical and impatient.

Except for today. Because no one in the city I live in now gets it. When I tell people in Boston I was living in New York on 9/11, I get the appropriate wide-eyed glances and "wows," but no one really gets it. In fact, hardly anyone has brought it up today at all.

No one who was living in Boston knows how New York smelled that day and for days after; how the smoke and dust seemed to cover the entire city; how everyone walked around in shock for weeks; how it felt to watch those barges haul the mountains of debris up the Hudson; how it felt to scan the photos in the paper and in the news for potential friends, family, classmates. No one in Boston truly understands how scared we all were. New York...for a New York minute...became a scary place to live.

Today I wish I was living in New York. Because I'm sure life went on there as well, but at least I would feel like I was surrounded by people who truly understood.

I Have Nothing to Say...Except This

It's been a while since I've been here; it's because I really don't have anything to say. I mean, I always have a lot to say, but for some reason I don't feel any of it is important enough to log in, go to a new post screen, type it out, re-read and edit it, apply the appropriate labels, and publish it. I haven't been lazy this summer...in fact I've been the complete opposite of lazy...but for some reason, I can't get my act together to post on this blog.

I guess I can tell you that I move into my new apartment this weekend. I've been a house guest/sitter for my friend this summer. It's been great to live rent free for two and a half months, but I'm really looking forward to having my own space...with a roommate.

I have been thinking a lot about moving and its significance. Four years ago, a move was just a move. It meant rent got too expensive, or I was living in a different city. It actually wasn't a big deal. I learned how to start early, clean out clutter, pack everything up without having to buy boxes.

But then I moved into Ex's place. And I moved out of Ex's place and into my own owned apartment. Then TM moved in with me and we moved to Boston together. Moves started to mean something. They meant the creation or destruction of a home, sometimes both simultaneously.

Now moving is back to just moving again. It's a logistical necessity, nothing more.

That is a bit sad. Eh...what are you going to do?

Things Are Happening

I didn't realized how long it's been since I've posted anything at all on the site. Plenty of stuff has been happening to me, but I've been busy deciding if I wanted to blog about it. I've decided some things I will talk about, one thing I won't.

First off, I've lost 4 pounds in the last three weeks with Weight Watchers. I wasn't overweight by any stretch of the imagination, but my body mass index was at the maximum for my height. Obesity runs in my family and I didn't want to rest on my laurels, so to speak. Just because I'm not obese doesn't mean that I'm fine. So I decided to get help getting disciplined about what I eat. It's amazing how hard it is to stay conscious about food...it's very, very hard. Half the time I want to eat something really bad out of defiance. Until I realize I'd only be cutting off my nose to spite my face. I wish I was losing more faster, but four pounds is nothing to sneeze at. One pound is the weight of four sticks of butter! So I've shed 16 sticks of butter in three weeks.

Secondly, I just finished watching the entire first season of "Mad Men" on On Demand. Damn, that show is good. I watched it marathon-style in the day before July 4th and today. Every time I see Jon Hamm, I melt a little inside. That man is fine inside and out. I can't wait for the Season 2 opener at the end of July.

Thirdly, I hosted a great July 4th BBQ at the place where I'm house sitting this summer. It was an intimate gathering and it was great. Lots of good food, good drinking, and good conversation.

Fourth, I actually have a lot of work to do. I wanted to take it easy on with regards to "resume-building" work, but alas, I've gotten some great gigs. It requires a great deal of discipline, but it's good practice for me.

Fifth, I ran a race a couple of weeks ago. It felt good. I've been running more often anyway in pursuit of my weight loss goal. The race reminded me of the best part of running. They served us beers at 10am!

And finally, I'm embarking on a new adventure. It's a bit of a surprise that I'm here, but it feels good. We'll see...

My Dog Has Better Healthcare!

I got the most bizarre phone call last night. I was shocked and pleased by it at the same time. Then I got sad. Let me explain...

Remember in my last post when I mentioned that I dealt with a medical emergency for Ella? It turned out not be an emergency, but of course I didn't know that at the time. To deal with it, I went to the pet emergency room at Angell Memorial Medical Center, one of the largest and best animal hospitals in the Northeast.

First of all, let me say that I have never been in a human ER this nice. It was a wide open space, with plenty of comfortable seating, a well-stocked vending machine area with hot and cold food choices, plenty of water fountains, and everyone was friendly and patient. I waited at most 20 minutes to see someone. All the vets had their own laptops as well as pagers that allowed them to connect with everyone else in the hospital and update patients' files in real time. Amazing!

When we checked in, I had to fill out a form that asked for Ella's real vet's name, so I provided it. Last night I got a call from her vet saying that the hospital had called to report that Ella had been there. The vet was just calling to "follow up."

Can you believe it? It's always been my responsibility to contact my primary care physician when I've been in the ER. And never have I received a "follow up" call...again, my responsibility.

Why is it, in the richest country in the world, my dog has better health care than I do? And why am I still grateful for what I've got?

I Talk Too Much

I don't tell secrets, but I do talk too much. Especially when I really like the person. I was looking through all the emails I had saved from the beginning of my relationship with TM and they started with him writing me, and me writing back. It was a very even see-saw. Then a few weeks in, it turned into 4-5 emails from me to him, then his reply. It got very uneven. Most of those emails were about trivial things, too.

I must worked much harder on keeping my mouth shut. I must let the next person get a word in edgewise. I must listen SO much harder than I did with TM. Because TM did mislead me with what he wanted from life...don't get me wrong...but he also gave me clues to our downfall.

And I Didn't Cry

I saw him tonight. It was only for a moment, on a doorstep. It felt good; he is still the one I want to tell everything to. I know he won't be ever again, but for a time, it felt really nice.

The Finish Line

• I am working on my last final of my first year of my doctorate studies at Harvard University.
• I have also been dumped by the man I wanted to marry, and I have no idea where I'm going to live next month.

Which one should I focus on? But, which one am I focusing on?

I Think I Saved Someone's Life Tonight

The first year doctoral students had just finished presenting our final research projects to a packed house in one of the school's largest classrooms. We were being treated to a reception in the Commons with appetizers and free booze!

A Master's student I knew, not part of our group, had apparently been passed out in the corner of the Commons for almost an hour. No one could see her face and no one thought twice about it. After all, it's Finals Week. Everyone is sleeping and not sleeping at odd times.

As the reception was winding down, I saw her standing by the food table talking on the phone. I waved at her and said hi. She waved back as I passed her. I looked back...she was still waving and staring at the space I occupied seconds ago. I joked with her: "You can stop waving now," I said with a smile. But she kept waving and kept staring into space.

So I walked around the table and stood right next to her. I called her name. She had stopped waving, but she wasn't looking at me and her body was as stiff as a board. The phone was still by her ear, but no one was on it. I pulled up a chair and she sunk into it like an anchor.

Then I remembered...seeing her in meetings for a conference we both helped organize. During those meetings, she would pull out a device shaped like an old school Blackberry, prick her finger with some sort of attachment, and stick the stick into the device. Then she would adjust a white rectangular pod on her lower back and press some buttons on the device. I don't know how I knew, but I knew she was managing her diabetes.

I had never seen the negative effects of diabetes...except for that scene in Steel Magnolias, but I was pretty sure she was feeling them at that moment. As I tried to stop her from falling out of the chair, I called out for help. Friends bought her orange juice and a candy bar. The phone that I had pulled out of her hands buzzed and I answered. It was her boyfriend; she had been trying to call him. I told him where we were and asked if what we were doing was okay. Other friends called 911. All the while, I held the cup of orange juice so she could drink as much of it as possible. Her body was stiff, she was speaking incoherently, and all the while I knew that her eyes shouldn't close. I didn't know why, but I just knew she had to keep awake.

A firetruck and ambulance arrived. Friends of mine stood outside directing traffic down a narrow one-way street and kept an eye on her boyfriend's car...which was parked illegally. Eventually, she could tell people her name and she knew mine. I left because she started to become aware of the number of people gawking. You could tell the crowd was making her feel uncomfortable and resistant to medical attention. Besides, her boyfriend was by her side at that point trying to make her finish her orange juice.

On my way out, I was shaking. I knew she had avoided something horrible, but I still couldn't wrap my brain around it. I was the only person left at the reception who knew her; almost everyone had already left or were on their way out the door. I'm sure the bartenders packing up would have noticed her odd behavior, but I was the only one in that room who knew she had diabetes. What if no one had put it together in time?

I got an email from her tonight thanking me for my help and telling me that I "literally saved [her] life." Apparently, if left on her own for much longer she would have gone into a diabetic coma. Based on my quick internet research, healthy blood sugar levels average around 100, with variance of about 20 points on either side occurring throughout the day. Her blood sugar level was 40.

Taking care of my friend was scary as hell, but so easy. I didn't hesitate to ask for help, to give information to the right people, to be there for her. And I'm so happy she's okay...at least well enough to send emails.

It was so easy to do that for someone else, but for the life of me, I can't seem to do that for myself. These days, I'm feeling like it's a matter of life or death for me as well.

Read in the Elevator of Harvard's Health Center

"April is the cruelest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring."

-T. S. Eliot, "The Waste Land"

The Last Sighting of a Single Jay-Z!

I've been so wrapped up in my personal drama that I didn't get a chance to tell you that I went to this concert Thursday night. I can't believe that Jay-Z got married the next day!

My mom took me because she loves MJB and had never seen her live. She wanted to attend the concert with someone who would enjoy it as much as she would and let her get her groove with abandon. We got great seats; we could see everything clear as day.

I saw Mary when I was in college...tuckergurl, do you remember this? She did a show with some one-hit wonder groups and Biggie Smalls. I remember a young and crazy Puff Daddy just ran back and forth behind Biggie wearing that bright yellow Versace shirt. Anyway, Mary was younger then and her voice wasn't as refined as it is now, but she tore it up Thursday night with the same intensity as she did more than 12 years ago.

I don't know Jay-Z's music as well as I know Mary's, but the practically sold out, predominately white audience sure did. There was a huge screen behind the stage that served as the "set" of the show, displaying the skyline of NYC, close-ups of the band and the performers, and other graphics. It was basically a giant music video for the live music going on. Sometimes the camera would turn on the audience and pan over them. These young, busty girls and wanna-be-down boys were rapping all the words to his songs, and not just the chorus, either! My mom was shocked at how many white people knew their music. I told her, "This is the definition of cross-over."

Regardless, we had a great time. Both Mary and Jay-Z's songs sounded better live than they do on CD...or MP3...and they had great stage presence. Jay-Z would get the entire arena...almost 20,000 seats!...to pump his diamond sign with their hands. Mary didn't even have to sing "I'm Going Down," the whole place belted out all the words. I must say, I joined in wholeheartedly.

By the end of the night, I was exhausted. It was great to release and let music take you over. That hasn't happened for a while and it felt damn good.

Yo! Raccoons are BIG! Oh, and school has begun.

Last night we had to put the trash out and there were two very large raccoons rummaging through it. They were bold! The trash was out on the curb, right underneath a streetlamp. When a person walked passed, one of them stood up on its hind legs. It was tall...like as tall as Ella on her hind legs! And Ella can reach the kitchen counter when she does that. I'm telling you, my exposure to nature in Somerville is constantly amazing.

So yesterday was my first day of pre-orientation. I'm a bit worried. I came home exhausted...and it's only the pre-orientation. I have to say that my fellow doctoral students are an impressive lot. People who have traveled all over the world, people who have done amazing things. Funny enough, I am the only person in my concentration who actually has professional experience in my concentration. Everyone else has extensive experience, but not in the field they are entering into. I figured everyone would have been Directors of this and that.

It was a good day overall, though the getting-to-know-you games were cheesy. The journey I'm about to partake became real for me and all the advanced doctoral students with whom I spoke made it clear that this totally doable. I realized this morning I was expecting a "Paper Chase"-like introduction to life at Harvard: intense and intimidating. Instead, there was an emphasis on how down to earth everything and everyone is. Perhaps Harvard is suffering from "thou does protest too much," but I'm buying it. I'm sure the faculty will be a lot more hardcore.

I've picked out the courses I want to take and have a meeting scheduled with my advisor. Now I've got to get ready for another day of learning "fun facts" about my colleagues.

And Now It's Moving Day

Boy oh boy! If I wasn't happy about the fact that we moved here so many weeks earlier before...I am now. The streets are clogged with moving vans...both yesterday and today. It's so strange. I'm sure that NYC is going through the same thing, but there are so many more people there, I never noticed. Besides, though I lived near a college, it was a commuter one, so there were a lot less students moving in.

Of course, I could be more acutely aware of this because I am a student myself. It's like that phenomenon when you get a new car, you start seeing your model of car everywhere.

In other news, I haven't seen that woodchuck/groundhog in days. Don't worry, I've been looking! I wonder if it's moved on. Perhaps it's got several bachelor pads. I'll keep you posted. Hmmm...now that I haven't seen it, I miss it.

It's Trash Day...Bring Out the Skunks!

After I got scolded by TM for saying I was bored, I got off my ass and worked on some stuff yesterday. It was good and necessary. However, I think I'm getting sick. Uggghhhh!

Anywhoo, in my effort to be more productive, I am coming up with more thoughts to post. One that I want to share is what happens the night before Trash Day. Before I continue, for seven years I never had to deal with Trash Day because I lived in apartment buildings. I just had to make sure the trash made it to the basement and the porter ensured it got out for the garbage men. Now that I'm back to living in a house, I've become more in tune with the cycle of the garbage! :) Kidding! But I have noticed that there are no rats in Somerville...at least not where I live. Instead, there are skunks. Lots of skunks. Skunks that wander through the neighborhood like cats. I've already seen two strolling down the sidewalk and smelled tens times that much. Especially the night before Trash Day. That's when they really take over. It's made me wonder which yucky animal I prefer. It's also made me hold onto the leash extra tightly when I walk Ella at night.

In other animal news, there is either a woodchuck or a groundhog living under my house. I wish I could be more specific, but as you can see, they look exactly alike. The creature looks just like these animals. I've seen it three times and every time it runs to the same place under the back porch. Crazy!

Woodchuck...
















...groundhog. Can you tell the difference?

Now I'm Just Bored

I have run out of things that need to be done. Pre-orientation...that's right: pre-orientation. I have a week of pre-orientation, then a week of regular orientation, then classes...doesn't start until next Tuesday, and classes don't even start until Sept. 17!

Due to a well-timed settlement check from a slip-and-fall accident several years ago and not using all my vacation days, I haven't needed to work since I moved...though I will eventually. Which has been great because there has been a lot to do. But now there is not so much to do.

• The apartment is totally set up. All necessary furniture has been assembled, all new curtains hung, all rugs laid.
  

• Ella has had her check-up at her new vet.

• Our car has had its tune-up and inspection and is sitting in front of our home.

• I know where the grocery store, the laundromat, the bank, the post office, the cool coffee shop, and all the restaurants are in our 'hood.
  

• Cable, gas, electric, Internet all hooked up.

Now, I'm just putzing. Doing laundry, going running, watching "Rome" on Netflix...so good that show is! I'm going to sign up for temp agencies this week and look into bartending school. It worked for me 10 years ago. But I feel a little in limbo until next week when I get a better sense of what my life is going to be like.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't have done this any other way. I'm so glad we moved here well before I had to think about school. I couldn't imagine unpacking boxes after an 8-hour orientation on what it means to be a Harvard doctoral student. But my life is pretty boring right about now.

In other news, another one of my oldest friends is married. I'm perfectly content with where TM and I are at, but seeing another friend in a beautiful champagne dress does start to wear on you. As I tell all my other friends that have been to their third and fourth wedding this year: it is the season. We are officially of the age where people are coupling up and popping 'em out. At the wedding reception I was at this weekend, everyone was coupled. Even the people who came alone had girlfriends and husbands at home who just couldn't make it! 'Tis the season. Crazy!

Oh yeah, my birthday was last Friday. It was...by far...the most uneventful birthday I ever had. And it was fine. TM bought me roses and wrote me a beautiful card. I had already used his present...a gift certificate for a massage...the day before. I got phone calls and emails from friends and family. But I spent most of the day in traffic driving from Boston to Washington, DC. It was for a very worthy cause...see description of wedding reception for friend above...so it was all good. I'm 33 now...jeez!

I'm Just Sitting Here.

It's been years...YEARS I TELL YOU...since I've just sat down.

Our new apartment is done...for the most part. All the rooms have curtains and the ones that need rugs have them. There are still a couple of boxes left, filled with mostly kitsch.

I love our new apartment. It's the opposite of my place in Brooklyn...I think that's why I dig it so much. In my old place, there were four rooms with a lot of space. This place has lots of nooks and crannies that make up a lot of room. My thighs are going to appreciate the two flights of stairs I have to climb to get around this place, if nothing else does.

Now we just need to meet some new friends to have them over for dinner...we have a dining room now!

So much for sitting down...time to make dinner.

I'm Here. I Promise.

I'm just on the downhill slope of moving/unpacking/IKEA shopping/cable setting up. I have thoughts of my new 'hood and my new life to share. Coming soon.

That's What I'm Talking About!

create your own personalized map of the USA

TM and I just got in the door about 30 minutes ago from our cross-country trip. Luckily, our bodies, souls and relationship survived the six days and over 2,800 miles. And now I have so many more states that I can say I visited! I had to include Utah and Arizona because those are two of the Four Corners I mentioned earlier. I have now seen 56% of the country.

Off to bed! I'm going to try and avoid getting in any car for at least one day!