It's Not All About Him

I've realized that I've been writing a lot about my man and his woes. As with any personal writing, the writer's truth is the most subjective thing ever. I haven't really been using this blog to help me process my own stuff or share other, more positive news. I don't really know why. Perhaps I come here when I feel impotent to handle an issue on my own. When I don't know what action to take.

I guess I could mention that I'm joining Weight Watchers. I need to lose 10 pounds and it was a very useful tool a couple of summers ago.

I have so much grading to do...it's insane. It's the end of the semester, so everything is due. I'm so sick of dealing with people's crap through their papers.

My family is going through some serious stuff right now...yet another situation I can do nothing about.

I just saw on the news the nuclear disaster in Japan has been rated as dangerous as the Chernobyl disaster. I have no words about how horrible that is.

Ella is good. She is a constant good. I can never forget that.

I am so incredibly in love to one of the best men I have ever known. He is a good man...in his soul he is good. Despite what is happening right now, I am so lucky to have him in my life.

I have realized that I can't grade tonight. They are due tomorrow morning, but I can't do it. The students will live.

Oh! There is a crazy bag lady that lives in my building and camps out in mailbox alcove, which happens to be right across the hall from my front door. She actually deserves her own post, so I'll write about her soon.

My Sister's Disease...

...is always on my mind. Always.

Don't get me wrong, my family and I are definitely living our lives. I'm overeating and overdrinking as I celebrate the holidays with friends. I'm writing up my research in my office every day. My mom is prepping the house for Christmas, my stepdad is working too much, and my other sister is wrapping up another semester of teaching.

But it is still there: my sister has MS.

Whenever I pause and contemplate it, I cry. On the spot. I talked to the other sister about it, and she says the same thing happens to her.

I had a therapy session of sorts with my doctor. She assured me I don't have MS and what I'm doing is mourning...mourning the death of the future I envisioned for my sister. Not to say that she won't conquer the world (you will totally know her name), but it won't be a completely healthy future. She might have a flare up and temporarily go blind, or lose feeling in her limbs.

You know how with some diseases there is a possibility of a worst case scenario, but it's always a slight one? With MS, temporary blindness isn't even the worst case scenario; neither is loss of mobility. They are just par for the course. In fact, my sister's specialist said that the eye problems that led to her diagnosis will probably come back. It's possible that it might be worse. It is also possible that her flare-ups will be few and far between; and one might never know if one spends any time with my sister.

But that's the sucky part...all of it is possible.

Except for her not having MS...

Space Cadet

These have not been the best of times for me. Granted, these aren't the worst I've seen, but they have been pretty rough. I'm feeling relatively good emotionally, though physically I've been plagued with some vague but real symptoms. I'm thinking they are due to the stress of the end of the semester, but I'm seeing a doctor just in case.

Today, however, I'm completely out of it. I found out that my grandmother had a massive stroke yesterday. She's had a bunch in her life, but this one was the most severe: she is paralyzed on one full side of her body. She can't eat on her own because the thing in the throat that moves over to let food go down the wrong pipe isn't working. She is breathing on her own, however. 

The worst part about it is that she is fully alert, even though she can't move and can't talk. This is very bad for her because she has always been a fiercely independent woman; she's also extremely stubborn. My dad says that she keeps trying to talk and trying to move and is getting very frustrated with her inability to do so. I'm very upset by this news. This should be expected, I know, but it surprises me.

We knew this was going to happen. After her first stroke about four years ago, the doctors told my dad that it was the beginning of the end. Her brain and her body were shutting down. She would slowing stop remembering words, faces. Then her brain would stop remembering how to take care of itself. At the time, we thought that whole process would happen quickly. Four years later, she's still here. Which made me think that she would be here for quite a while longer.

I've never been very close to my grandma. I know she loves me, but every time I saw her, she criticized me. Getting to know each other wasn't really high on our priority list. I don't feel guilty about that, but right now, I am aching for her. That she is aware of her inability to move or talk must be torturous for her. The woman has been incredibly strong for more than 90 years; now her body has stopped cooperating.

I'm spending the afternoon staring at my computer screen, trying to do work, and talking on the phone. What I really want to do is take a nap.

It's a New Year?

I know it's 2009 and all, but for the life of me I don't feel renewed, rejuvenated, re-anything. The only dates I'm thinking about are all the due dates for my assignments and of course, January 14th. That's the day I leave for my first solo vacation. 

I went back and look at my postings on this blog from last January. I'm pleasantly surprised to report that I have made good on my goal to not get complacent. I have lost weight, I have spent this year doing more non-school stuff, especially attending theatre. I have not made as much progress as I would have liked on my own research, but I am getting there. Of course, a bunch of unexpected things have happened, but what are you going to do?

I had a wonderful conversation with Tuckergurl, and she helped me see my resolution to not fall in love in a new way. I still believe that I am not meant to grow old with a partner, but on my path to come to peace with that realization, this will be the year that I Stop Looking for Love. I mean really stop. Not do that thing where I say I'm not looking, but I keep glancing over my shoulder, or keep listening for the phone to ring. I am going to actively avoid love. Men will be nothing but friends and if I start to feel something more, then I'll stop being friends. 

I know it seems silly, but I no longer trust my own instincts or judgment. If I fall for someone, I no longer believe that experience will benefit my life. And I fear for my own sanity if I continue to try and fail. I know this is real because I usually don't live my life scared by my depression. But I don't think that I could survive any more rejection...and I know I could survive living alone.

I'll be 35 this year, so here's to the first year of the rest of my life. 

P.S. I will also try to spend this year NOT talking about this all the time!

My Damn Heart!

As I've mentioned before...there is stuff going on with my heart. Nothing too dramatic, but I'm in the process of figuring stuff out. 

Tonight isn't helping...

Because I cannot process my emotions right now. I am elated, scared, relieved, hopeful, shocked, lonely, happy, cynical...did I mention scared?

All the while my heart is beating...hard.

Will you remember where you were when the first Black man was elected President of the United States? I will. I was at a bar in Harvard Square, hugging strangers, calling family and friends, and using my iPhone to confirm what CNN was saying. I was standing silent with scores of people as we listened to McCain try to reduce this victory to one only for African-Americans.  I was standing with that same group of people as President-Elect Obama inspired us once again.

All the while, I was ever conscious of my heart beating very strong. Which is a good and bad thing for me right now.

When I told my sister that something was up with my heart, she sent me a very cheesy email saying that it's because my heart has so much love in it that the love overwhelmed it. I poo-pooed her at the time, but now that's sort of how I feel. There is so much emotion going through my head and my heart right now, it feels like my heart can't take it all.

Do you understand?!?! Every time anyone in the world talks about the President of the United States, there will be an image of a Black person. Every. Single. Time.

Did anyone pick up on the seed he planted for his re-election in his acceptance speech? That was funny and crazy, but in a "crazy-like-a-fox" way.

As you can tell from this post, I'm still processing a lot of information. Sufficed to say,  I can't believe this is happening!

A Great Political Website

This website is a great artistic representation of the last two very political years.

I can't talk about tomorrow; I can barely think about it. I'm so anxious, if I ponder on it for too long, I will freak out. Either way, the decision is going to affect me on such a fundamental level. I'm going to be crying tomorrow night...hard. 

On top of all that, tomorrow morning, I have an appointment with my cardiologist to look at my patent foramen ovale. I recently discovered that I have a slight hole in my heart and it might be the cause of a bunch of stuff I've suffered from for years: my migraines, my syncope, my low blood pressure. Tomorrow I get a more thorough examination and it's decided whether or not I need to have a "procedure."

So on top of the future of this country being decided in a real way, I have to get my heart looked over. What a crazy day it will be!

Things Are Happening

I didn't realized how long it's been since I've posted anything at all on the site. Plenty of stuff has been happening to me, but I've been busy deciding if I wanted to blog about it. I've decided some things I will talk about, one thing I won't.

First off, I've lost 4 pounds in the last three weeks with Weight Watchers. I wasn't overweight by any stretch of the imagination, but my body mass index was at the maximum for my height. Obesity runs in my family and I didn't want to rest on my laurels, so to speak. Just because I'm not obese doesn't mean that I'm fine. So I decided to get help getting disciplined about what I eat. It's amazing how hard it is to stay conscious about food...it's very, very hard. Half the time I want to eat something really bad out of defiance. Until I realize I'd only be cutting off my nose to spite my face. I wish I was losing more faster, but four pounds is nothing to sneeze at. One pound is the weight of four sticks of butter! So I've shed 16 sticks of butter in three weeks.

Secondly, I just finished watching the entire first season of "Mad Men" on On Demand. Damn, that show is good. I watched it marathon-style in the day before July 4th and today. Every time I see Jon Hamm, I melt a little inside. That man is fine inside and out. I can't wait for the Season 2 opener at the end of July.

Thirdly, I hosted a great July 4th BBQ at the place where I'm house sitting this summer. It was an intimate gathering and it was great. Lots of good food, good drinking, and good conversation.

Fourth, I actually have a lot of work to do. I wanted to take it easy on with regards to "resume-building" work, but alas, I've gotten some great gigs. It requires a great deal of discipline, but it's good practice for me.

Fifth, I ran a race a couple of weeks ago. It felt good. I've been running more often anyway in pursuit of my weight loss goal. The race reminded me of the best part of running. They served us beers at 10am!

And finally, I'm embarking on a new adventure. It's a bit of a surprise that I'm here, but it feels good. We'll see...

On Top of Everything Else...

I think I'm developing carpal tunnel syndrome in my left wrist because of the shocks I'm feeling when I ride my new bike. Great.

A Grown-Up Epiphany

I have not been exercising lately. I figured that I didn't have the time/energy, what with finishing up all my work for the semester, downsizing my stuff (my new apartment will either be tiny or be a shared space), and looking for a new apartment. Besides, I deserve to lay like a slug...I just got dumped!

But I had an epiphany this morning. The kind of epiphany that only comes from being a grown-up: If I were to stop exercising, I would only be hurting myself. Because if I'm going to be blue, I might as well look good while I do so.

Besides, a side goal of all this is to make TM regret that he ended things; looking good will only enhance that regret. This part of my epiphany is not very grown-up.

5K at 7,000 Feet

I am so glad I'd been running more consistently in the weeks before this trip. I am even more grateful for the run I made myself do in Taos. Since I've been on the ranch that TM grew up on, I have been do a LOT of walking uphill at high altitudes.

The ultimate occurred yesterday morning when TM's sister and I ran a 5K race. It was part of an annual festival in the local town. Everyone knew I was a runner...because everyone in this family knows everything about me! But that's for another post. So when his sister asked, I thought why not? I wanted to put in another run and this would be a great way for me to bond with his sister.

So I ran a little over three miles yesterday morning at an altitude of about 7,000 feet. It was hard as hell! My 28-minute run felt like 58 minutes. But I accomplished something I never would have in New York...I placed! I came in fifth in my age bracket! The medal is now in my luggage. I'm wicked proud I finished the race with a pace faster than a 10-minute mile. I am also very wicked proud that I placed.

Of course, the country was beautiful and there were even more picturesque views of the Rockies.

The rest of the day was spent hiking and camping at an altitude of 11,000 feet. Good times!

I Have a Cold

I've been sick all weekend, though on Saturday I denied it long enough to explore a cool area of Brooklyn with Angela. I love this area because it's walking distance from my house...albeit a 20-30 minute walk. But the walk is a very pretty one, so it doesn't feel as long. I'm not going to tell you the name of it because you can tell gentrification is already happening, Angela and I may want to move there, and we want to be able to afford it.

Case in point: Angela and I were sitting in a coffee shop and a bunch of parents and young children enter. The parents were mostly white...one Asian mom, one black dad. However, the kids were a Benetton ad. Two different configurations of biracial children, a black son of white parents, an Asian child of white parents. I'm telling you, it was an after school special! It was wonderful to see all the different colors of children playing, but it was also cliche the way Brooklyn can be sometimes. The neighborhood is definitely cool though.

Now I'm laying in my bed, listening to Ella snore. She always snores when she's dreaming.

The Mormon is going to come by after work and take care of me. Three cheers for The Mormon! Oh yeah...I think I'm going to have to change his name on this blog. I've been talking to friends of mine that actually know Mormons and have described them as crazy...something about special underwear and ceremonies that only certain Mormons can attend. I've never met a Mormon, so for me the name is just ironic. But friends and family have said they have a hard time with the nickname. I'll come up with something new...when I'm feeling better.

How's everybody doing on their resolutions? Me...not so good. I'm still keeping track of my expenses, though I'm way over budget this month. I still brush my teeth and wash my face at night and in the morning. I am getting to work consistently, except when I was revving up for my anxiety attack and didn't know it. The meditation and the running though...not so much. I'm too sick to eat anything, so I'm hoping that I will lose some weight which will inspire me to keep it off once I feel better. I have no excuse for the meditation. No excuse at all. Discipline takes practice. I just have to keep practicing.

Can You Catch Lactose Intolerance?

I am really starting to think you can catch it like pink eye or the flu. I have plenty of friends who have been afflicted with this condition for years and I never became suseptible. I date someone for six weeks who suffers as well and now my digestive system is acting like I'm on a roller coaster. The only difference between my friends and The Mormon...I've decided to call him that not because he is at all a Latter Day Saint, but because he has odd connections to them...is that I make out with The Mormon. I'm really starting to think he gave me lactose cooties...which is I guess a lot better than other types of cooties.

Final Fasting Update

I officially broke my fast last night with a lovely dinner of baked chicken with onions and mushrooms and steamed asparagus in garlic and butter. Yesterday was a mess: I was miserable and weak all day and started getting a migraine. As soon as I decided that I wasn't going to wait until Monday, a level of calm and peace came over me. It was the peace that I had been looking for all through the fast, actually. Though I didn't make to Monday, I feel good about what I did. I also learned a great deal about myself, my body, my relationship to food and liquor.

I want to give a shout-out here to my good friend, without whom I would have broken down on Saturday afternoon. She joined me on my quest for cleansing and it was so helpful to have her to call when I was feeling weak. She also had conversations with others who fast on the regular and she got a lot of information about what not to do next time...not in winter, not on a weekend, etc.

Though I wasn't at all in a spiritual place during this fast, I have a new found appreciation of food. Food is great! I think I will try fasting again after the winter.

Time for lunch!

Fasting Update #3

This is no longer fun. I'm so distracted by the physical components of my fasting that I haven't been contemplative at all. The spiritual aspects of this fast have gone out the window.

I did go out last night. My friend, who just broke up with her boyfriend, came into town. I was going to bail because I was feeling so weak, but I made my miso soup "dinner" and felt better. I saw friends from grad school who I hadn't seen in years. It was a good time. I brought my own juice and I didn't feel at all left out. However, when my friends got french fries and chicken fingers, I felt the saliva fill my mouth. I hadn't ever actually felt my mouth water. It was funny!

The "cleansing" aspect of this whole thing began last night. I woke up with a headache. I get the sense I'm staying close to home today.

I really can't wait to chew food tomorrow.

Fasting Update #2

It's about 7:30pm and I have hit my fasting wall. All day, I've wanted food just because I'm used to eating, but now I'm hungry. I want to chew something! I just woke up after a two-hour nap and I feel like I'm operating a little outside of my body. The nerve endings in my skin are all tingly and my limbs feel light. I'm going to make my soup and hope something hot will make me feel better.

On a different note, I'm extremely motivated to do clean out everything: my closets, my to-do lists, etc. Well...I was. Now I'm just cranky and hungry!

Fasting Update #1

So I've decided to do a cleansing fast this weekend. I've been feeling gassy lately and I'm in the process of trying to detoxify my spiritual self. So I thought I would externalize that internal cleansing. For at least this weekend, I'm only drinking 100% fruit and vegetable juices, and purified and spring water. I've only gone through a morning, however, I've already made some observations about myself. I've decided to jot them down as they come to me.

I decided that I was going to this right, so Ella and I walked up to my local food co-op to get organic juice and ingredients to make a miso broth soup for my "dinner." As I walked, I noticed how often thoughts of food and eating came into my brain. I would pass by restaurants and think "I should go there this weekend." I would look at the specials advertised in the windows of grocery stores and think "I want to make/bake a dish." All take-out places were possible places for me to grab lunch. Of course, after every one of these thought, I had to check myself. But it was bizarre how frequently the thoughts occurred.

Being a Woman Can Give You a Headache!

Like we don't have enough to deal with...I just discovered that fluxuations in estrogen levels are one of the major causes of migraines. I have been focusing on my diet and my stress level, but now I have to keep track of my menstrual cycle as it relates to my headaches.

Jeez!

"This is the Migraine That Never Ends"

Remember that song that sung by Shari Lewis and Lamb Chop at the end of "Lamp Chop's Play-Along"?...I loved that show. LOVED it.

"This is the song that never ends
Yes, it goes on and on, my friends
Some people started singing it not knowing what it was,
And they'll continue singing it forever just because..."

Well that can also describe my head since Saturday afternoon. I got a migraine while on my way to meet my friend. And because I was on the subway, instead of getting into bed I took my medication and hoped for the best.

I think that was the beginning of the end. After I threw up in the curb of Prospect Park West and got some food...not at the same time, I thought I was better. I ended up meeting another friend in the East Village, but by the time I got home, it was back.

That night, I slept for 13 hours, with one break to walk and feed Ella. When I woke up yesterday afternoon, I could do nothing but veg out. The migraine went from a throbbing pressure in the back of my head to the 4-inch knife behind my right eye I am used to.

I woke up this morning and the pain was just as ripe. I called in sick, turned on my computer to write the post, and now I have to go back to bed.

Gross! I Need Tilex!

I have mold/mildew in my 'locs. I've been denying it for a while, but as I was cooking this weekend and a few of my 'locs fell in my hair. I got a strong whiff of mildew. I freaked out and have had my hair in a ponytail ever since.

After I calmed down, I did some web research and discovered that it's a common occurrence, especially when you air dry your 'locs...which I do.

So tonight, before I wash my hair, I have to douse it in witch hazel! Believe it or not, that's the better option...others include Seabreeze and rubbing alcohol. Ewwww!

Body Dysmorphic Disorder and Me

I could never be anorexic or bulimic...I enjoy food too much. Nor do I believe in destroying your body. However, recently I've been able to understand the desperation that would cause someone to become anorexic or bulimic. These days I've been feeling like my mid-section is completely out of proportion with the rest of my body. It's quite surprising how much that feeling has pervaded how I view myself and everyone else. Everything I wear doesn't look right; practically every woman I see has a waist...the thing I lack; my body wiggles everywhere.

The thing is...I don't feel this way all the time. When I look at myself in my mirror at home, I realize that it's not so bad. Yeah, I could stand to tone up, but I'm not overweight by ANY stretch of the imagination. But it's hard for me to remember that when I'm walking down the street and I see skimpy tank tops and short skirts looking fabulous on women everywhere I go.

What makes me happy is this is one aspect of my life I have complete control over. I know that if I start to consistently exercise again my body will change for the better. So now it's just a matter of weighing the options. What's feels worse: the excursion of exercise or hating the way my body looks in public?