My Financial Rock Bottom

So this semester I didn't make enough money. It's true that I spent too much, but it is also true that I didn't make enough. I moved into an apartment that was $400 more a month than before, the rent I am charging for the apartment I own stopped covering its costs, and my social life exploded. So now I'm doing more than living paycheck to paycheck...I'm paycheck to before paycheck. I honestly don't know how I'm going to make it until the last two weeks of January when my student loans kick in. Combine this with the fact that I am solidly in my 30s and I am thoroughly done.

My relationship with money has always been fucked up, but that can no longer be an excuse. There wasn't much beneficial about being with Ex, but he made me hardcore about money. I was actually saving! So 2011 is the year I face my fears. I may even bring this up with my therapist. I've added another job and I'm going to budget my ass off. It's going to make me feel inadequate and unpopular and lonely and scared, but I'm going to have a bank account that's not always going down.

Something I Love...

I am slowly but surely falling in love with keeping things to myself. I have to say it's very fun to be my own confidant. It also makes me feel stronger.

I can't say more because I'm keeping it to myself! So fun!

On a random note: I was thinking back on all the guys I dated in my life...and goodness gracious, some of them were losers! I wonder what I was thinking back then. Being single is SO much better than hanging out with those wackos.

Oh yeah...did I mention I'm doing pretty well with my year of being single? I had a close call in February and March...Murphy's Law kicking in...but it's not going to work out. I am actually coming to enjoy enjoying singledom. I'm discovering that I spent SO much energy searching...just looking for that someone, that something that would supposedly make me whole. I didn't realized how tired I was until I stopped doing it. I'm still flirting and having crushes, but they serve as pure entertainment.

Good times!

One More Day

The house guest is here for only one more day...SO excited. I'm also dealing with some personal and personnel issues so I have to remind myself of the decisions I made earlier in the year. I need to trust myself more than I doubt myself.

I must say I am proud of myself. Last night was a bad one, but instead of moping in my sweats, I dressed up and went to my school's semi-formal dance. It ended up being a really good time and it meant a lot to the organizers that I was there, since I worked with them during the academic conference I helped organize. I think it made all the difference in my mood for the rest of the weekend.

Right now, I'm watching Key Largo (1948) on TV. I want to be better than it is...there's just a lot of speechifying going on. I'm not complaining however; there is no one in the apartment right now except for Ella and me. Wheuheu!

New Habits are Hard to Start

As I mentioned previously, I'm working on making some changes in my life. I don't mean to be cryptic, but honestly, I'm not clear about what those changes are. I'm not clear on where I'm going, but I do know where I don't want to be anymore. The thing is it's hard to break those habits; I find myself falling back into my old ways of being. They weren't dangerous or self-destructive, but they are not making me as happy as I thought they would. 

I just want to be quieter and simpler. I want to be more private and secretive. I want think more before I speak and think more without speaking. Whenever I am able to be this way, it feels wonderful. I just need to do it more often.

People are Strange

I've been avoiding people lately. I can't really deal with most of them in my current state. I'm spending a lot of time with my lovely Ella and watching movies. Every time I think about getting to know someone new, it backfires. Which only confirms my initial instinct to stay away from people.

In other news, I am officially a medication soup. I have a psycho-pharmacologist now and she is helping me find the right anti-depressant. I've decided that I want to take one for a while...not just until I'm "better." So the quest becomes that much more arduous because I have to find one that will do the job for the long-term and not give me bad side effects. Add to this the fact that you can't just stop one drug and start another cold turkey, and I am acting like an elderly person: take one pill at night, one pill in the morning, take one pill for two weeks then increase it to two pills for two weeks. Crazy!

Patience, L. Britt...Patience

I'm sitting here in my one-bedroom apartment in San Juan, Puerto Rico. The sun has been shining all day and there is not a cloud in the sky. 

And yet...

I haven't left the house all day. I've slept for 12 hours and I'm exhausted. I ate a turkey sandwich because my stomach was cramping but I barely tasted it. 

I want to quit school, I want to quitthis  life...just move someplace else and try to find a job as an administrative assistant or maybe work in retail. But my therapist tells me I'm not supposed to make any major life decisions while I'm in this state. So I'm stuck passing in another final late.

I hate this so much!

My New Blog Layout...

...is really bright, no?

I had 7 things on my depression to-do list today. As part of my treatment, the things I'm expected to accomplish get MUCH simpler. These may be simple, but it takes all my energy to do them, believe you me.

1. Shower

2. Go to gym

3-5. Walk (not just let out) Ella at least three times.

6. Grade at least half the papers for the class I TF.

7. Eat.

I've done 1, 2, 3, 4, and 7. I'm working on 6. now.

Second Extension

I just wrote to the second of my professors asking for an extension on a final paper. I am so, so, so mad at myself about that, but as EVERYONE in my life has told me, I am very hard on myself, so I'm trying to cut myself some slack. The thing is I'm very bad at being kind to myself. I feel like I'm just copping out. I'm just going to try to be proud of the fact that I asked for help.

Here We Go Again

I think I know the moment it really started: I was walking home from dropping tuckergurl off at the subway Saturday morning. This incredible sadness swept over me. I went back to bed and woke up in the afternoon.

I then proceeded to spend the rest of the weekend on the couch. I tried to do work, to absolutely no avail. I was too tired to eat, too tired to cry, although the sadness had seeped into my bones. But Sunday night, I knew I needed help.

Today I called Harvard's mental health services and had an emergency appointment. The woman who saw me seemed completely overwhelmed by me...not the way to make one feel better, I must say...but she did remind me to start taking life in much smaller chunks. And she helped me admit I'm in the throes of another depressive episode.

So here we go again. I'm too "in it" to try and figure out what caused it, but I'm sure I'll come up with something. For the first time, I'm considering going on medication because I feel like I need some emotional consistency...more than I can get on my own.

Well, my day is done. Time to eat something...though I am not hungry at all!...and get some sleep.

It's a New Year?

I know it's 2009 and all, but for the life of me I don't feel renewed, rejuvenated, re-anything. The only dates I'm thinking about are all the due dates for my assignments and of course, January 14th. That's the day I leave for my first solo vacation. 

I went back and look at my postings on this blog from last January. I'm pleasantly surprised to report that I have made good on my goal to not get complacent. I have lost weight, I have spent this year doing more non-school stuff, especially attending theatre. I have not made as much progress as I would have liked on my own research, but I am getting there. Of course, a bunch of unexpected things have happened, but what are you going to do?

I had a wonderful conversation with Tuckergurl, and she helped me see my resolution to not fall in love in a new way. I still believe that I am not meant to grow old with a partner, but on my path to come to peace with that realization, this will be the year that I Stop Looking for Love. I mean really stop. Not do that thing where I say I'm not looking, but I keep glancing over my shoulder, or keep listening for the phone to ring. I am going to actively avoid love. Men will be nothing but friends and if I start to feel something more, then I'll stop being friends. 

I know it seems silly, but I no longer trust my own instincts or judgment. If I fall for someone, I no longer believe that experience will benefit my life. And I fear for my own sanity if I continue to try and fail. I know this is real because I usually don't live my life scared by my depression. But I don't think that I could survive any more rejection...and I know I could survive living alone.

I'll be 35 this year, so here's to the first year of the rest of my life. 

P.S. I will also try to spend this year NOT talking about this all the time!

I May Be a Drama Queen, but...

...I really don't care. I got dumped last night by a guy that I thought was cool and interesting and challenging...in a good way. We weren't really in a relationship, so I don't know if "dumped" is the right word.

Anywheu, I came to a decision: I'm done looking for lasting love. I've been dating for almost 20 years. I've had some great relationships and some shitty ones. And I have most definitely put myself out there; I really do want to get married, have kids, the whole shebang. 

But it's abundantly clear that I am not good at maintaining a real relationship. And, though I may be strong, I'm not strong enough for this. My mental health can't handle this type of rejection the way it used to. Perhaps it could never handle it, but now I'm more aware of it. 

I've gotten so much positive reinforcement from people who really love me. They tell me that I am great and deserve love, but perhaps I'm not being honest with them, maybe I'm not so great. Perhaps they are not being honest with me, maybe they are trying to spare my feelings. Because, for the life of me, I can't understand how if I am so great, then why won't anyone love me? The only logical conclusion is that I'm broken in some way. I know this sounds melodramatic, and I wish there was a way to present this without sounding as such, but it is honestly how I feel. There's something wrong with me...it's the only thing that makes sense.

I know that love doesn't happen the way it does in movies. There is no man who will fight and fight for me until he has broken down all my defenses and proven his undying love. And unfortunately, that's the only way I can imagine putting myself out there again.

As I write these words, I recognize them. I'm sure if you searched for the word "broken" and/or "love" on this blog you would find something, but I'm writing down my surrender here, in public, so that the next time I get the foolish notion that I want to find a relationship, someone can remind me that I gave up on that. 

I think I can have a full life without a partner. I'm going to have a great career, I already have wonderful friends. I'm going to travel and have adventures. I'm brave enough to do a lot of things on my own. I think I will cultivate that bravery from now on. I will dote on my friends' children and be "cool" Aunt L. Britt.

My New Life's Resolution: to stop trying to fall in love.

A Great Political Website

This website is a great artistic representation of the last two very political years.

I can't talk about tomorrow; I can barely think about it. I'm so anxious, if I ponder on it for too long, I will freak out. Either way, the decision is going to affect me on such a fundamental level. I'm going to be crying tomorrow night...hard. 

On top of all that, tomorrow morning, I have an appointment with my cardiologist to look at my patent foramen ovale. I recently discovered that I have a slight hole in my heart and it might be the cause of a bunch of stuff I've suffered from for years: my migraines, my syncope, my low blood pressure. Tomorrow I get a more thorough examination and it's decided whether or not I need to have a "procedure."

So on top of the future of this country being decided in a real way, I have to get my heart looked over. What a crazy day it will be!

I Need New Glasses

I'm much better at getting out of bad situations with men faster. When I see red flags, I am bringing them out into the open much sooner. And I've gained the strength to walk away when those flags keep waving. I am amazingly proud of myself for that.

But that is no longer enough. Now I want to stop being drawn to men with red flags in the first place. I just want a man who has the time and the energy to really get to know me, to figure out if he wants to be with me. I honestly don't think I'm asking for too much, and yet...

I'll run by my therapist tomorrow.

I Miss NYC Today

I don't really miss living in NYC. I don't like Boston very much at all, but I am glad I left New York. It was making me too hard and cynical and impatient.

Except for today. Because no one in the city I live in now gets it. When I tell people in Boston I was living in New York on 9/11, I get the appropriate wide-eyed glances and "wows," but no one really gets it. In fact, hardly anyone has brought it up today at all.

No one who was living in Boston knows how New York smelled that day and for days after; how the smoke and dust seemed to cover the entire city; how everyone walked around in shock for weeks; how it felt to watch those barges haul the mountains of debris up the Hudson; how it felt to scan the photos in the paper and in the news for potential friends, family, classmates. No one in Boston truly understands how scared we all were. New York...for a New York minute...became a scary place to live.

Today I wish I was living in New York. Because I'm sure life went on there as well, but at least I would feel like I was surrounded by people who truly understood.

Causal Claims from Correlational Data

The title of this post is a statistical concept. One of the mantras of social science research is that a person cannot claim to have proven one thing causes another when they have only presented evidence of a relationship between two variables. An example often used is the statement: Ice cream causes more crime. Just because there is a relationship between these two things...both things increase in the summer...doesn't mean that one causes another.

I say all that to say that I've had a very rough week emotionally. I have missed TM like I missed him 2 1/2 months ago. I have gone over old emails, old pictures, reviewed good times and bad in my head like a movie. I have wanted him back and wanted to never see him again.

Simultaneously, I have gone to dinner with friends, done research, seen a movie with my sister, looked for a bartending gig for the summer, facilitated a conference, helped a friend move, and took care of Ella through a medical emergency. So it's not like I'm sitting around moping or anything.

I've been trying to figure out why this week? Why is this amazing sadness coming over me now? And I have two explanations. However, I must preface these possibilities with the fact that I can't say for sure if these events are causing the sadness or just happen to be in proximity to the sadness.

1. The depression that I was so scared of has caught up to me. Now that my semester is done, and I have time to relax, the true weight of my loss is barreling down on me. Just like before. I will now have to start taking anti-depressants again and may have to spend the summer in the hospital. Just like before.
2. I met a guy. I don't know much about him, but what I do know, I like. First of all, he's older than me. He and I are both in the same doctorate program and our research interests are similar. He's told me that my passion and drive are "encouraging" to him. Already worlds different from what I've known before. My friend told me that the reason why I'm sad is because as I open a new door, I'm closing one behind me. And that's bittersweet.

Perhaps I'm not ready to go through the door...we'll see after the first date. Perhaps I'm succumbing to depression again...we'll see after my therapist's appointment. Perhaps I'm just dealing with a major break-up and some weeks are worse than others...we'll see next week. I guess the best thing I can do is see. I'm desperately trying not to jump to any causal conclusions while I just observe myself.

P.S. By the way, I got an "A" in Intermediate Statistics this past semester. One of the most challenging courses in the school.

"Relax, Relate, Release"

Us children of the 80s and early 90s will recognize the title of this post. I had totally forgotten it and what it meant until this morning. I'm wishing I had remembered it earlier while I was freaking the f*uck out, but what are you going to do? With a new day comes new developments, new insights, and my Aunt Pee to help explain away the confusion.

Thanks for all those that put up with my digital primal scream yesterday. I think I really needed it. As soon as I posted it, I decided that TM's decisions were NOT going to tear apart my family anymore than they had already. If it meant that I couch surfed all summer, I would do it until I found a place that fit both my and Ella's needs.

Today, life is much better. I found an apartment that I can live in and that will take Ella. Not only have I found one, but it is convenient to campus, even closer to the cool area that TM and I lived near, and it's only with one other roommate. The rent is more expensive, but I'll more than make it up in the lower utility bills. There's a backyard! Did I mention the landlord has no problems with Ella? I can't move in until August, but I'll be house sitting for a friend of mine for the summer rent-free. Life is looking up.

You know how you don't realize how much burden you're carrying until it's gone? That's what I feel now. My fingers are tingly because my blood is flowing again. Of course, life is nowhere near perfect. I'm still sad, angry, lonely, and missing TM immensely. I just got an email that someone who was diagnosed with active tuberculosis was in a class I took this semester...I didn't sit near him, so I think I'm safe. But at least I have a place to live!

And you know what? I just completed one of the worst years of my life to get one year closer to getting my doctorate at Harvard! Hell yeah!!

The Finish Line

• I am working on my last final of my first year of my doctorate studies at Harvard University.
• I have also been dumped by the man I wanted to marry, and I have no idea where I'm going to live next month.

Which one should I focus on? But, which one am I focusing on?

Read in the Elevator of Harvard's Health Center

"April is the cruelest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring."

-T. S. Eliot, "The Waste Land"

A Trigger

My cognitive therapist has been teaching me tools to better understand why I think and act the way I do. I absolutely LOVE it. Anyway, he made me aware of triggers: stimuli that cause an extreme emotional reaction in me, so extreme that I become flooded with emotions I can't explain or even describe. It's very hard to identify the trigger because: 1. while you're being flooded, it's hard to even remember your name, and 2. when you're not triggered, you don't want to go back to that place lest you become triggered again. It's a meticulous, careful, and caring process to break the pattern apart.

So I think I've made the first step. I realize the thought of TM leaving me for another person is a trigger. This morning, TM was wearing his cologne. He hasn't worn it in a long time. My mind immediately starts to race, filled with images of how he's trying to impress another woman. Then I start thinking...He's been waiting to be free of me so he can pursue this other woman.

Now, I'm not saying that I'm not justified in my anger. I asked him point-blank on the day we broke up if there was another woman in the mix and he said "no." So if I find out that he was willing to work on things until he saw another option and then just decided to bail...well I don't
think I could ever face him again if he betrayed me like that.

But it's not okay that my mind immediately jumps to the fact that he's getting it on with some woman from work in the broom closet; that he spends all his time with her complaining about what an awful girlfriend I was; that he feels so much freer now that I'm gone. Because those thoughts just send me into a tailspin.

So I took the first step. I have another therapist appointment next week...I'll let you know what the second step is.

Fending off the Fears

This week was all right...until yesterday. Partly this was because I hadn't been getting enough sleep due to work. So I thought I would just crash early last night and then feel better. However, I slept for eight hours and woke up with a headache. I then just wrote an email to the couples counselor we met with one time telling her we need to cancel our appointments in May, and the floodgates started up again.

THIS SUCKS SO BADLY!!! I can't believe I have to be grammatically correct even when things are sucking so badly!

What if my whole "taking it one day at a time" modus operandi is just me faking it? What if I'm deluding myself that I'll be okay when depression is creeping up on me? Is saying "I can't get depressed" enough to not get depressed? Am I playing mind games with myself and losing?

I hate that on top of all that I have to deal with right now, I also have to deal with monitoring my mental health.

On another note, I have a wish: I wish someone close to TM, like a family member or his best friend, said to him:

"TM, you are making a mistake. I know it's hard, but the point of life is finding a balance between making a connection with someone else and staying true to yourself. L. Britt is a wonderful, funny, supportive, and caring woman. You are lucky she loves you. Don't let her go."

I've said it to him, but I'm a little biased. Most of his crew is supporting his decision however, because that's what your crew is supposed to do. I just wish someone wouldn't.