It's Not All About Him

I've realized that I've been writing a lot about my man and his woes. As with any personal writing, the writer's truth is the most subjective thing ever. I haven't really been using this blog to help me process my own stuff or share other, more positive news. I don't really know why. Perhaps I come here when I feel impotent to handle an issue on my own. When I don't know what action to take.

I guess I could mention that I'm joining Weight Watchers. I need to lose 10 pounds and it was a very useful tool a couple of summers ago.

I have so much grading to do...it's insane. It's the end of the semester, so everything is due. I'm so sick of dealing with people's crap through their papers.

My family is going through some serious stuff right now...yet another situation I can do nothing about.

I just saw on the news the nuclear disaster in Japan has been rated as dangerous as the Chernobyl disaster. I have no words about how horrible that is.

Ella is good. She is a constant good. I can never forget that.

I am so incredibly in love to one of the best men I have ever known. He is a good man...in his soul he is good. Despite what is happening right now, I am so lucky to have him in my life.

I have realized that I can't grade tonight. They are due tomorrow morning, but I can't do it. The students will live.

Oh! There is a crazy bag lady that lives in my building and camps out in mailbox alcove, which happens to be right across the hall from my front door. She actually deserves her own post, so I'll write about her soon.

I Don't Know How to Help Him

I have so many papers to grade, but I'm so tired I can't even think about helping students write better...which is ironic because I'm very upset I can't help someone I care about more than anything.

My guy is going through some serious problems at work. This doesn't bode well...first financial woes, now this. Part of me is thinking...what have I gotten myself into? But most of me wants to make it better I just don't know how. As far as I can figure, there are several factors at play.

1. I know nothing about his field. I have no connections to anyone who might be able to offer him another position.
2. He is a fiercely proud man. I think he'd be open to an opportunity I presented, but he'd be sensitive about me talking about his woes to someone else. Thank goodness he has no access to this blog.
3. His relationship to work is so very different than mine. He really enjoys what he does, but he is not passionate about it. He works to live, not lives to work. I'm used to dealing with people who have that type of relationship to their jobs. I'm surrounded by people who are getting doctorate degrees to further their careers, for goodness' sake!
4. He's been having a lot of trouble at his current job...a dictatorial boss, reduced responsibilities. I asked if there could possibly be any justification for his treatment; he always explains it away. He's not a man to shirk his responsibility for his mistakes, but honestly, I have the hardest time believing that he has not done anything to bring this about. I have worked in extremely toxic places, but I can't wrap my brain around this. I wish he would be completely honest with me, but I'm not sure he's being completely honest with himself.

It breaks my heart to hear such defeat in his voice. He told me that he almost up and quit today...I know the only reason he didn't was because of me. That he wanted to be responsible. Which I appreciate so much. But I don't want him to be unhappy because of me.

I just don't know what to do. Especially if what I should do is let him do it.

Hypocrisy

I think I mentioned in a previous post how my boyfriend and I both have money issues...that is, we are bad with it.

So right now, my boyfriend is going through some times and has to borrow money from me. Him: a working professional with benefits and a 401(k). Me: a grad student whose W-2 said she made $23,000 in 2010.

I'm not upset that I am loaning him money. Because I love him and I want to do whatever I can to support him. But I am upset about something.

One part of me is pissed off. For several reasons:

1. He doesn't seem to want to change his ways. He's always figured out a way out of no way, so why not enjoy life? At least this is what I perceive. The truth is he feels horrible about asking me for help.
2. He wasn't honest with me about how far in the hole he was...and how bad the consequences were. I know all of that is about shame, to which I can relate.
3. His financial life now greatly influences mine. We have plans, but they can't happen if he doesn't change his relationship with finances.
4. I don't know if he understands of #3.

Then there is the other part of me that says...Who the hell are you to be pissed? Have you not done the exact same thing, perhaps more than once? Stole from Peter to pay Paul? Buried your head in the sand when the bills come? Avoided collection calls?

I want to believe what makes me different from my boyfriend is I am not content with living this way. Living paycheck to paycheck is tired. And honestly, I am too old for that shyt. So, as hard as it is, I am trying to keep track of my expenses. Trying to not eat out just because I'm too tired to cook. Not use Zipcar when a bus will go to the same place.

The thing is, I know he wants to live differently. He is actually not content with living the way he is. We want to change, we don't know how. We are definitely on the same page with that.

So, I am really torn between being mad and feeling guilty...and it upsets me that I'm torn...which then makes me feel guiltier.

But most of all, this whole situation makes me doubt...everything. This is the man I want to spend my life with, but not at the expense of my financial well-being. I may not have made a lot of progress, but I haven't gotten a collection call in years. I've not had any of my services turned off for lack of payment. I refuse to go back to that anxiety in my life.

Lessons from Our First Fight?

My guy and I had our first unpleasant conversation this evening. Boy, did I learn a ton. I also need to come up with a good pseudonym for him.

Lesson #1: I know what he sounds like when he's mad. I should clarify...he wasn't mad at me. He had a horrible day at work and needed to vent about corporate culture and his boss. He is a passionate man, so he really vented.

Lesson #2: I have more testosterone than I thought. I fancy myself quite empathic and touchy-feely. I'm a listener, for goodness' sake! That's like the highest compliment for a woman, is it not? Kidding! However, some of my first responses were questions like: "What's the next step?" "What can I do to help you?" Basically, I turned into a dude and tried to fix it.

Lesson #3: He has more. It was kind of amazing how respectfully yet firmly he told me what he needed. It definitely wasn't me telling him what to do...not at that moment.

Lesson #4: I am not used to healthy disagreement. I've heard stories of what it's supposed to look like. I've studied it in the context of organizational behavior. But it is clear I will have to practice listening without taking it all personally. I will have to practice arguing the issues and not the person.

I think the most important lesson is how invested I am in him. I want him to be happy, really happy. I also want him to be employed, really employed. When he spoke of his urge to just walk out of the building and never look back, I was torn between empathy and fear. I felt bad for him, but also felt quitting was not an option.

The last lesson is ultimately about me projecting my own fears and lack of trust, along with my distorted views of money and work and self-esteem. He and I have plans as a couple, but they are in their infancy...we are in our infancy. It is unhealthy and unwise to hold onto them so tight. I know I am important to him...I know our goals are important to him. I have to trust he won't jeopardize them, just like I won't.

As I write this, I'm also thinking investment is not all bad. He even acknowledged that I had a right to get pissed if he up and quit his job. I have to figure out for myself what makes sense at this point in our relationship.

I have more to write, but I have to go to bed.

Love as Money Saver

Since this post, my conflicting feelings have subsided and it is with a clarity I have never known that I know this is the man for my life. We tell each things we have never told another person; we are planning for a future neither of us had imagined. I don't just feel love from him...I feel support, passion, interest, awe, respect. I adore getting to know him...even the parts that annoy me. It is like reading the most fantastic book ever...where you are hungry for more but you don't want it to end.

But that is not the point of this post.

I already sense a shift in my thinking, especially financially. We've spoken of our lack of money management skills. He's told me he's quite content having me control the finances. Though I first balked at the idea, I'm growing more excited by it. Money management has a different level of responsibility now; I'm kinda digging it. We want to travel. We will probably have to finance our own wedding since we're both of a certain age. We don't want our children to feel the stress that comes from struggling. I don't mind taking more control. It perfectly aligns with my personal goal for 2011.

So, I've become quite a creative tightwad. We go out for drinks, but we cook at home more. We find cheap ways to go skiing/snowboarding. We are establishing vacation funds. Saving money has never been so much fun.

It could be argued I should have had these clear goals before...and I did. But they weren't as exciting as they are now. I am creating an emergency fund so we can afford time off if I have to move for a job. I am saving for a Caribbean vacation to an island neither of us has ever been.

One would think getting in a relationship means that you spend more money. Perhaps the difference is our age...we're both in our mid- to late-30s, so our priorities have shifted. And we already know that our lives are intertwined; my decisions affect him and vice versa.

What a wonderful feeling.

Conflicted, Conflicting

I didn't have any high expectations for the holiday weekend. I was doing something I'd never done: snowboarding. And I was spending it with someone I'd never imagine I would: a new friend whom I've known since high school. I was looking forward to linking my turns, getting a good buzz on, and meeting some new people. That's about it.

Those things did indeed happen. But something much more took place. I met a guy...more than a guy. We were compatible from the moment we started dancing together. Not only does he say the right things, he does the right things. He is perfect for me in his imperfections. We are as different as we are similar and we don't seem to mind.

And he really likes me.

I mean shut-down-his-eHarmony-profile, have-closing-conversations-with-women-he-was-seeing-before, make-my-picture-the-wallpaper-on-his-phone, introduce-me-to-his-best-friend likes me.

When I just relax and enjoy it, it's wonderful. Full of laughter and conversation and passion. I don't tell many people when I'm dating someone, because it usually blows up in my face and I don't like dealing with the subsequent questions. I have no problem actually lying to my friends when they ask about my love life. But when I am relaxing and enjoying, I want to scream about this from the rooftops. I want to introduce him to everyone.

Then there are many times when I question. Think about how easy it is to say and do all he as said and done. Wonder what it is he isn't telling me, even as he shares things he hardly tells anyone. Realize how stupid it is to be so into a man I've known less than a week. It is then I bite my tongue when I think about telling anyone.

I mean it is really silly for us to feel like teenagers when we're well into our 30s (he's one year older than me). And yet...we feel like teenagers when we're well into our 30s, you know? I haven't felt this mutual giddiness in a very long while. I think about him all the time...do you know how long it's been since I've thought about any man all the time?

Right now, I'm conflicted between staying in the moment and being "realistic." Because for some reason, those two things are not the same. Even though this is my reality. It seems as though staying in the moment equals losing myself. I wonder why I can't feel blissful without feeling a bit untethered.

We'll see...

It's a New Year?

I know it's 2009 and all, but for the life of me I don't feel renewed, rejuvenated, re-anything. The only dates I'm thinking about are all the due dates for my assignments and of course, January 14th. That's the day I leave for my first solo vacation. 

I went back and look at my postings on this blog from last January. I'm pleasantly surprised to report that I have made good on my goal to not get complacent. I have lost weight, I have spent this year doing more non-school stuff, especially attending theatre. I have not made as much progress as I would have liked on my own research, but I am getting there. Of course, a bunch of unexpected things have happened, but what are you going to do?

I had a wonderful conversation with Tuckergurl, and she helped me see my resolution to not fall in love in a new way. I still believe that I am not meant to grow old with a partner, but on my path to come to peace with that realization, this will be the year that I Stop Looking for Love. I mean really stop. Not do that thing where I say I'm not looking, but I keep glancing over my shoulder, or keep listening for the phone to ring. I am going to actively avoid love. Men will be nothing but friends and if I start to feel something more, then I'll stop being friends. 

I know it seems silly, but I no longer trust my own instincts or judgment. If I fall for someone, I no longer believe that experience will benefit my life. And I fear for my own sanity if I continue to try and fail. I know this is real because I usually don't live my life scared by my depression. But I don't think that I could survive any more rejection...and I know I could survive living alone.

I'll be 35 this year, so here's to the first year of the rest of my life. 

P.S. I will also try to spend this year NOT talking about this all the time!

I May Be a Drama Queen, but...

...I really don't care. I got dumped last night by a guy that I thought was cool and interesting and challenging...in a good way. We weren't really in a relationship, so I don't know if "dumped" is the right word.

Anywheu, I came to a decision: I'm done looking for lasting love. I've been dating for almost 20 years. I've had some great relationships and some shitty ones. And I have most definitely put myself out there; I really do want to get married, have kids, the whole shebang. 

But it's abundantly clear that I am not good at maintaining a real relationship. And, though I may be strong, I'm not strong enough for this. My mental health can't handle this type of rejection the way it used to. Perhaps it could never handle it, but now I'm more aware of it. 

I've gotten so much positive reinforcement from people who really love me. They tell me that I am great and deserve love, but perhaps I'm not being honest with them, maybe I'm not so great. Perhaps they are not being honest with me, maybe they are trying to spare my feelings. Because, for the life of me, I can't understand how if I am so great, then why won't anyone love me? The only logical conclusion is that I'm broken in some way. I know this sounds melodramatic, and I wish there was a way to present this without sounding as such, but it is honestly how I feel. There's something wrong with me...it's the only thing that makes sense.

I know that love doesn't happen the way it does in movies. There is no man who will fight and fight for me until he has broken down all my defenses and proven his undying love. And unfortunately, that's the only way I can imagine putting myself out there again.

As I write these words, I recognize them. I'm sure if you searched for the word "broken" and/or "love" on this blog you would find something, but I'm writing down my surrender here, in public, so that the next time I get the foolish notion that I want to find a relationship, someone can remind me that I gave up on that. 

I think I can have a full life without a partner. I'm going to have a great career, I already have wonderful friends. I'm going to travel and have adventures. I'm brave enough to do a lot of things on my own. I think I will cultivate that bravery from now on. I will dote on my friends' children and be "cool" Aunt L. Britt.

My New Life's Resolution: to stop trying to fall in love.

I Need New Glasses

I'm much better at getting out of bad situations with men faster. When I see red flags, I am bringing them out into the open much sooner. And I've gained the strength to walk away when those flags keep waving. I am amazingly proud of myself for that.

But that is no longer enough. Now I want to stop being drawn to men with red flags in the first place. I just want a man who has the time and the energy to really get to know me, to figure out if he wants to be with me. I honestly don't think I'm asking for too much, and yet...

I'll run by my therapist tomorrow.

Single and Fabulous?

Remember that "Sex and the City" episode?

I have to get something out of my head and heart before it eats away at me. I am a single woman; that is my reality. I wish I wasn't, however I know I am moving on and I am proud of myself for it.

Except...when I get a Facebook message from a very old friend who assumes that someone in a photo is my husband. And then I read the Weddings/Celebrations section of the New York Times. Why shouldn't my friend make that assumption? Everyone else we know from our circle of friends is married by now; I am in my mid-30s now...it's fair.

After that happens, I stop feeling proud. Instead, a surge of loneliness and failure that is so intense it stings my eyes comes over me. There is nothing for me to do in those moments except feel the feeling without judgment and with the knowledge that this, too, shall pass.

Causal Claims from Correlational Data

The title of this post is a statistical concept. One of the mantras of social science research is that a person cannot claim to have proven one thing causes another when they have only presented evidence of a relationship between two variables. An example often used is the statement: Ice cream causes more crime. Just because there is a relationship between these two things...both things increase in the summer...doesn't mean that one causes another.

I say all that to say that I've had a very rough week emotionally. I have missed TM like I missed him 2 1/2 months ago. I have gone over old emails, old pictures, reviewed good times and bad in my head like a movie. I have wanted him back and wanted to never see him again.

Simultaneously, I have gone to dinner with friends, done research, seen a movie with my sister, looked for a bartending gig for the summer, facilitated a conference, helped a friend move, and took care of Ella through a medical emergency. So it's not like I'm sitting around moping or anything.

I've been trying to figure out why this week? Why is this amazing sadness coming over me now? And I have two explanations. However, I must preface these possibilities with the fact that I can't say for sure if these events are causing the sadness or just happen to be in proximity to the sadness.

1. The depression that I was so scared of has caught up to me. Now that my semester is done, and I have time to relax, the true weight of my loss is barreling down on me. Just like before. I will now have to start taking anti-depressants again and may have to spend the summer in the hospital. Just like before.
2. I met a guy. I don't know much about him, but what I do know, I like. First of all, he's older than me. He and I are both in the same doctorate program and our research interests are similar. He's told me that my passion and drive are "encouraging" to him. Already worlds different from what I've known before. My friend told me that the reason why I'm sad is because as I open a new door, I'm closing one behind me. And that's bittersweet.

Perhaps I'm not ready to go through the door...we'll see after the first date. Perhaps I'm succumbing to depression again...we'll see after my therapist's appointment. Perhaps I'm just dealing with a major break-up and some weeks are worse than others...we'll see next week. I guess the best thing I can do is see. I'm desperately trying not to jump to any causal conclusions while I just observe myself.

P.S. By the way, I got an "A" in Intermediate Statistics this past semester. One of the most challenging courses in the school.

I Think I Saved Someone's Life Tonight

The first year doctoral students had just finished presenting our final research projects to a packed house in one of the school's largest classrooms. We were being treated to a reception in the Commons with appetizers and free booze!

A Master's student I knew, not part of our group, had apparently been passed out in the corner of the Commons for almost an hour. No one could see her face and no one thought twice about it. After all, it's Finals Week. Everyone is sleeping and not sleeping at odd times.

As the reception was winding down, I saw her standing by the food table talking on the phone. I waved at her and said hi. She waved back as I passed her. I looked back...she was still waving and staring at the space I occupied seconds ago. I joked with her: "You can stop waving now," I said with a smile. But she kept waving and kept staring into space.

So I walked around the table and stood right next to her. I called her name. She had stopped waving, but she wasn't looking at me and her body was as stiff as a board. The phone was still by her ear, but no one was on it. I pulled up a chair and she sunk into it like an anchor.

Then I remembered...seeing her in meetings for a conference we both helped organize. During those meetings, she would pull out a device shaped like an old school Blackberry, prick her finger with some sort of attachment, and stick the stick into the device. Then she would adjust a white rectangular pod on her lower back and press some buttons on the device. I don't know how I knew, but I knew she was managing her diabetes.

I had never seen the negative effects of diabetes...except for that scene in Steel Magnolias, but I was pretty sure she was feeling them at that moment. As I tried to stop her from falling out of the chair, I called out for help. Friends bought her orange juice and a candy bar. The phone that I had pulled out of her hands buzzed and I answered. It was her boyfriend; she had been trying to call him. I told him where we were and asked if what we were doing was okay. Other friends called 911. All the while, I held the cup of orange juice so she could drink as much of it as possible. Her body was stiff, she was speaking incoherently, and all the while I knew that her eyes shouldn't close. I didn't know why, but I just knew she had to keep awake.

A firetruck and ambulance arrived. Friends of mine stood outside directing traffic down a narrow one-way street and kept an eye on her boyfriend's car...which was parked illegally. Eventually, she could tell people her name and she knew mine. I left because she started to become aware of the number of people gawking. You could tell the crowd was making her feel uncomfortable and resistant to medical attention. Besides, her boyfriend was by her side at that point trying to make her finish her orange juice.

On my way out, I was shaking. I knew she had avoided something horrible, but I still couldn't wrap my brain around it. I was the only person left at the reception who knew her; almost everyone had already left or were on their way out the door. I'm sure the bartenders packing up would have noticed her odd behavior, but I was the only one in that room who knew she had diabetes. What if no one had put it together in time?

I got an email from her tonight thanking me for my help and telling me that I "literally saved [her] life." Apparently, if left on her own for much longer she would have gone into a diabetic coma. Based on my quick internet research, healthy blood sugar levels average around 100, with variance of about 20 points on either side occurring throughout the day. Her blood sugar level was 40.

Taking care of my friend was scary as hell, but so easy. I didn't hesitate to ask for help, to give information to the right people, to be there for her. And I'm so happy she's okay...at least well enough to send emails.

It was so easy to do that for someone else, but for the life of me, I can't seem to do that for myself. These days, I'm feeling like it's a matter of life or death for me as well.

Ay, There's the Rub

I'm being sad today. I showed TM a moment of weakness last night...don't worry, it was only over text message telling him I missed him. He responded by ignoring me...surprise, surprise. I guess I can't ever show TM my vulnerability again.

The thing is...everyone is telling me that I am so great and that I now have made room for the person strong enough to truly support me to come into my life. But I have proven that I am horrible at locating that person. True, TM was worlds better than Ex, but they were the same in that they were incapable of truly being there for me. What if I just don't know what that looks like, that I'm so blind to the right man that I'm doomed to never meet him?

As good as I am at lots of things, I'm clearly bad at picking partners. This scares me.

A Caveat

Pre-script: This is more for me than anyone else.

I need to state for the record that TM is not a bad person. He is not the man I thought he was, but he isn't the man he thought he was either. I'd imagine that's harder for him to deal with than it is for me.

TM decided that he wanted other things more than he wanted me. Of course, I wish he realized this a year ago before we moved in together, before we made plans together, before we talked about how we would raise our children, before I began to see my future with him. And of course, I wish I saw his struggles with commitment for what they were and not romanticized them into some sort of symbolic journey to make his way to me. I wish he listened to me as much as he listened to his aunt. I wish he talked to me as much as he talked to his best friend. I wish he would have given couples' counseling a chance. I wish....

I digress. TM...for now...is not Ex. He is not leaving me for another woman who he had sex with while we were together. He is not saying this is all my fault. He has treated me badly during this process, but he trying not to...see earlier post...and I haven't always taken the high road. I know that trying not to disrespect me isn't enough, but it's something.

I am very angry and hurt and sad now; that is what it is. But I have to remind myself that I did love something about this person, and that wasn't a mistake. My love is never a mistake, even if other people treat it as such.

Ripping Off the Band-Aid

I'm announcing it to the world to make it real: my prediction came to pass...TM and I are no longer together. We fought the good fight, but ultimately TM decided that he couldn't be with me and pursue his dreams simultaneously; the stress of it was too much. I tried to convince him that our rough patch was temporary and that I could be there as he fulfilled his dreams, but ultimately he didn't buy it. Ultimately, I got tired of trying to convince him.

I'm hurt, sad, angry, and scared.

I'm scared that I am in my mid-30s and "back on the market;" that doesn't bode well. I'm sad that the best relationship I've ever been a part of is over. I'm mad that TM didn't even let us go to the two couple counseling sessions we had scheduled, especially after the first one was so good. I'm scared that I am physically incapable of having a relationship last more than 18 months. I'm hurt by the idea that I convinced him to pursue his passion and I get kicked to the curb because of it. I'm angry that he did this when I have a 20-minute presentation due in two days and we have 5 months left on the lease. I'm hurt that TM doesn't seem to be hurting.

I could go on and on.

The one thing I'm not scared of is becoming depressed again. My rationale goes: if I survived the worst relationship...and break-up...I've ever had, I can certainly survive this.

Besides, if I decide to quit Harvard, I want it to be on my terms, so it behooves me to do well.

Windfall!

I just finished my taxes and I must say...being a student while paying a mortgage is the best way to get a phat refund. I'm looking forward to my bank statement in a couple of weeks.

I am very fortunate that this year I don't have major bad debt hanging over my head. My credit cards are under control, my utility bills are paid, I'm not getting angry letters from the bank who owns my mortgage. So this year, I've decided that most of the refund is going to my first ever emergency fund. I've never had one...though I've tried...and I think having a nice chunk of change will help start my e-fund off right.

I've also decided that I'm using part of my refund for TM and I to have some fun...maybe an overnight trip to a bed and breakfast somewhere...or at least a nice dinner and a movie. We need to have more fun, that's for sure.

More "Good" News

A friend of mine...who's also my crush here at Harvard...just came to visit me while I'm working in the library with news that him and his really cool girlfriend just got engaged.

He's the third person in my cohort to get engaged this school year.

I'm happy for all of them...but I still want to cry.

Happy Valentine's Day?

Luckily, TM and I are celebrating on Saturday because I have spent this holiday completing my Intermediate Statistics homework. I got home about 30 minutes ago...very romantic! This only leaves me a few minutes to celebrate my love for TM, my friends, and me. Happy Valentine's Day to all that I love.

"We've Earned This One"

The semester has begun...Harvard owns my ass once again. I'm starting this semester on much stronger footing than I did in the fall. I don't feel overwhelmed, I'm much better organized, and I see the forest for the trees a lot better.

Unfortunately, TM and I have a lot more work to do to rebuild what we have, but we're taking it one day at a time, and that's working well. We are enjoying each other very much and are communicating...maybe not as much as I would like, but I'm getting to say everything I need to.

Anyway, we're celebrating our second Valentine's Day this Saturday...the first time I've celebrated this holiday two years in a row!...and I've told him that we have fought for this holiday this year. We have earned our love celebration this time.

For My Moments of Doubt

1. He calls me when I'm 15 minutes late coming home just to make sure I'm all right.
2. He offers to do the dishes all the time because he knows I hate that chore.
3. He asks me about my day...every day.
4. He recommended that we go into couples counseling to help us communicate better.
5. He randomly sends me silly text messages for no reason whatsoever.
6. He helps me stick to my diet and exercise regimen without making me want to kill him.
   
7. He is starting to care about my dog.
8. He told his job he couldn't work on Valentine's Day.
9. He is braving my Harvard friends to come to a Superbowl party with me.
10. He makes up silly songs using my nickname as he walks through the house.
11. He celebrates every victory I have at Harvard, no matter how small.
12. He wanted me to come to his first recital, even when we weren't okay.
13. He and I share a cell phone plan.
14. He talks to me about his struggles with his friends and family.
15. He tells me so.