Hypocrisy

I think I mentioned in a previous post how my boyfriend and I both have money issues...that is, we are bad with it.

So right now, my boyfriend is going through some times and has to borrow money from me. Him: a working professional with benefits and a 401(k). Me: a grad student whose W-2 said she made $23,000 in 2010.

I'm not upset that I am loaning him money. Because I love him and I want to do whatever I can to support him. But I am upset about something.

One part of me is pissed off. For several reasons:

1. He doesn't seem to want to change his ways. He's always figured out a way out of no way, so why not enjoy life? At least this is what I perceive. The truth is he feels horrible about asking me for help.
2. He wasn't honest with me about how far in the hole he was...and how bad the consequences were. I know all of that is about shame, to which I can relate.
3. His financial life now greatly influences mine. We have plans, but they can't happen if he doesn't change his relationship with finances.
4. I don't know if he understands of #3.

Then there is the other part of me that says...Who the hell are you to be pissed? Have you not done the exact same thing, perhaps more than once? Stole from Peter to pay Paul? Buried your head in the sand when the bills come? Avoided collection calls?

I want to believe what makes me different from my boyfriend is I am not content with living this way. Living paycheck to paycheck is tired. And honestly, I am too old for that shyt. So, as hard as it is, I am trying to keep track of my expenses. Trying to not eat out just because I'm too tired to cook. Not use Zipcar when a bus will go to the same place.

The thing is, I know he wants to live differently. He is actually not content with living the way he is. We want to change, we don't know how. We are definitely on the same page with that.

So, I am really torn between being mad and feeling guilty...and it upsets me that I'm torn...which then makes me feel guiltier.

But most of all, this whole situation makes me doubt...everything. This is the man I want to spend my life with, but not at the expense of my financial well-being. I may not have made a lot of progress, but I haven't gotten a collection call in years. I've not had any of my services turned off for lack of payment. I refuse to go back to that anxiety in my life.

Lessons from Our First Fight?

My guy and I had our first unpleasant conversation this evening. Boy, did I learn a ton. I also need to come up with a good pseudonym for him.

Lesson #1: I know what he sounds like when he's mad. I should clarify...he wasn't mad at me. He had a horrible day at work and needed to vent about corporate culture and his boss. He is a passionate man, so he really vented.

Lesson #2: I have more testosterone than I thought. I fancy myself quite empathic and touchy-feely. I'm a listener, for goodness' sake! That's like the highest compliment for a woman, is it not? Kidding! However, some of my first responses were questions like: "What's the next step?" "What can I do to help you?" Basically, I turned into a dude and tried to fix it.

Lesson #3: He has more. It was kind of amazing how respectfully yet firmly he told me what he needed. It definitely wasn't me telling him what to do...not at that moment.

Lesson #4: I am not used to healthy disagreement. I've heard stories of what it's supposed to look like. I've studied it in the context of organizational behavior. But it is clear I will have to practice listening without taking it all personally. I will have to practice arguing the issues and not the person.

I think the most important lesson is how invested I am in him. I want him to be happy, really happy. I also want him to be employed, really employed. When he spoke of his urge to just walk out of the building and never look back, I was torn between empathy and fear. I felt bad for him, but also felt quitting was not an option.

The last lesson is ultimately about me projecting my own fears and lack of trust, along with my distorted views of money and work and self-esteem. He and I have plans as a couple, but they are in their infancy...we are in our infancy. It is unhealthy and unwise to hold onto them so tight. I know I am important to him...I know our goals are important to him. I have to trust he won't jeopardize them, just like I won't.

As I write this, I'm also thinking investment is not all bad. He even acknowledged that I had a right to get pissed if he up and quit his job. I have to figure out for myself what makes sense at this point in our relationship.

I have more to write, but I have to go to bed.

Love as Money Saver

Since this post, my conflicting feelings have subsided and it is with a clarity I have never known that I know this is the man for my life. We tell each things we have never told another person; we are planning for a future neither of us had imagined. I don't just feel love from him...I feel support, passion, interest, awe, respect. I adore getting to know him...even the parts that annoy me. It is like reading the most fantastic book ever...where you are hungry for more but you don't want it to end.

But that is not the point of this post.

I already sense a shift in my thinking, especially financially. We've spoken of our lack of money management skills. He's told me he's quite content having me control the finances. Though I first balked at the idea, I'm growing more excited by it. Money management has a different level of responsibility now; I'm kinda digging it. We want to travel. We will probably have to finance our own wedding since we're both of a certain age. We don't want our children to feel the stress that comes from struggling. I don't mind taking more control. It perfectly aligns with my personal goal for 2011.

So, I've become quite a creative tightwad. We go out for drinks, but we cook at home more. We find cheap ways to go skiing/snowboarding. We are establishing vacation funds. Saving money has never been so much fun.

It could be argued I should have had these clear goals before...and I did. But they weren't as exciting as they are now. I am creating an emergency fund so we can afford time off if I have to move for a job. I am saving for a Caribbean vacation to an island neither of us has ever been.

One would think getting in a relationship means that you spend more money. Perhaps the difference is our age...we're both in our mid- to late-30s, so our priorities have shifted. And we already know that our lives are intertwined; my decisions affect him and vice versa.

What a wonderful feeling.

My Financial Rock Bottom

So this semester I didn't make enough money. It's true that I spent too much, but it is also true that I didn't make enough. I moved into an apartment that was $400 more a month than before, the rent I am charging for the apartment I own stopped covering its costs, and my social life exploded. So now I'm doing more than living paycheck to paycheck...I'm paycheck to before paycheck. I honestly don't know how I'm going to make it until the last two weeks of January when my student loans kick in. Combine this with the fact that I am solidly in my 30s and I am thoroughly done.

My relationship with money has always been fucked up, but that can no longer be an excuse. There wasn't much beneficial about being with Ex, but he made me hardcore about money. I was actually saving! So 2011 is the year I face my fears. I may even bring this up with my therapist. I've added another job and I'm going to budget my ass off. It's going to make me feel inadequate and unpopular and lonely and scared, but I'm going to have a bank account that's not always going down.

Damn...

...I've got to get my financial house in order. I feel like I'm moving eight steps back than where I was two years ago. True, I had a full time job then, but still! There are still steps I can take to get on track. I'm getting too old for this shyt.

I Need to Make Some Changes

Ever since I've started school, I haven't been thinking about budgeting or finances. My excuse...not reason...is that I am a student who doesn't have a consistent source of income. So there is no way I can budget, but that isn't true at all. Though my income isn't exactly the same from week to week, there are some sources that stay pretty consistent from month to month. I was making some headway on changing my bad financial karma when I was working, and I don't want to stop.

So now that classes are winding down, I'm going to spend some quality time assessing my revenue streams, getting a handle on my expenses, and start tracking where my money goes. I've already been saving on the regular, but I need to go one step further.

Wish me luck!

A Missed Opportunity

J.K. Rowling (pronounced rolling) was the commencement speaker for Harvard this year.

Can I say here how confusing Harvard's graduation exercises are? There is the main ceremony with everyone, then the separate school diploma ceremonies, then everyone gets back together for the Commencement speaker. Not to mention that it's a month after the last day of classes. So weird!

Anyway, I had no urge to hear her speech. I thought she would not be interesting at all. I mean, I loved the books, but they weren't high literature or anything!

Boy was I wrong! Everyone who went said the speech was amazing. She was funny, smart, moving, and inspirational. I had to see it. So of course I went straight to YouTube...and they were right. One of her best lines: while talking about the value of failure she made it clear that she was not advocating being poor.

"Climbing out of poverty by your own efforts, that is something on which to pride yourself. But poverty itself is romanticized only by fools."

That idea was one of the biggest problems I had with TM. As a person who never had to deal with it, he seemed to look down on people who actively tried to avoid it.

Anyway, I know the speech is in three parts, but please check it out. Especially if you hated your graduation speaker. You can listen to this one and claim it as your own...it's that good. 2008 was a great year for commencement speakers.

Feeling Lucky, but It's Not About Luck

This article is one of many that has been in the news in the past year or so. It's highlighting the crisis of home ownership in America. This is a very big deal because owning property is part of the foundation of this country: economically, socially, etc. Think about what it means to own your home, and what it means to own a home in one neighborhood versus another. Cities and towns function primarily through property taxes levied on homes. It's a big deal.

If you recall, I own an apartment in Brooklyn. It's far from the shi-shi areas that most people covet in Brooklyn, but it's a nice neighborhood, and the apartment is huge compared to most of those apartments in the shi-shi area...900 square feet, baby! There was a time a few years ago where I was way behind in my mortgage. To be behind in my mortgage means to owe the bank 4 figures in a hot minute, so just imagine what being way behind looked like. The amount due every month is totally doable, but as soon as you get behind, you get screwed. I was screwed.

It took a year, but I worked my *ss off to get back on track and I haven't fallen behind since. When I moved to Boston, I found a fabulous tenant who pays the rent on time every month and keeps the apartment nice. So now she's paying my mortgage. Good times.

I feel fortunate that I'm not the one in 11 who's facing foreclosure. I feel lucky that I have a tenant in my place. I also feel charmed that I did not receive a sub-prime mortgage, that my rate is fixed for the life of my loan. But I also feel proud that I pulled my mortgage back in good standing on my own...before the economic sh*t hit the fan. And that my mortgage remains in good standing through this national crisis. I did that! Luck has nothing to do with that.

Perfect Timing

Remember when I said that I was going to start my very first emergency fund with my substantial tax refund? It seems it came at the perfect time. I just checked the status of my refund and it's being deposited into my account this Friday. I realized that I am financially free to move out of the apartment. I can cover moving costs, a security deposit, and first month's rent of any apartment situation that I figure out I can afford.

Can I tell you how wonderful this feeling is? This is the feeling of freedom. I had all these self-indulgent plans for part of that money: either a flat-screen TV, a solo vacation, or a spring shopping spree. But acquiring more stuff (read: shyte) would not make me feel as good as this does. As soon as TM and I figure out what to do with our apartment, I can move when I find another living situation. There will be no asking my parents for money they don't have, no using my credit cards, no feeling trapped until I "save enough." I won't even have to wait for the stimulus package money or until our security deposit comes back to us.

I know I am very lucky because I didn't really save this money, though my life decisions did create it (i.e., buying property and renting it out and returning to school). Whatever. It's my money and in this situation, money is freedom.

Windfall!

I just finished my taxes and I must say...being a student while paying a mortgage is the best way to get a phat refund. I'm looking forward to my bank statement in a couple of weeks.

I am very fortunate that this year I don't have major bad debt hanging over my head. My credit cards are under control, my utility bills are paid, I'm not getting angry letters from the bank who owns my mortgage. So this year, I've decided that most of the refund is going to my first ever emergency fund. I've never had one...though I've tried...and I think having a nice chunk of change will help start my e-fund off right.

I've also decided that I'm using part of my refund for TM and I to have some fun...maybe an overnight trip to a bed and breakfast somewhere...or at least a nice dinner and a movie. We need to have more fun, that's for sure.

What I've Been Thinking About

As you may well imagine, my head has been swarming with stuff. Instead of boring you in my quest to get into classes and figuring out which ones fit my research needs best...which is what I'm in the middle of now...I thought I would share other random thoughts.

• When someone stops caring about their blog, I wonder what's worse: not posting for a long time or continuing to post regularly, just in a half-assed way?

• There is this one blog that I used to love and now just enjoy...I think that's because the blogger is getting a little too big for his/her britches. He/she is sometimes a little annoying.

• So I listen to this great podcast: Keith and the Girl. It very raunchy, but it reminds me of Howard Stern when he wasn't interviewing strippers and getting B-list actresses to show him their tits. They talk about their lives, their relationship (they've been together for five years), their friends, their struggles to "make it." They are really funny and have some hilarious friends...Patrice is my favorite. Anywhoo, sometimes they will read stuff from the news wire and discuss it. I also listen to the podcast edition of Wait,Wait...Don't Tell Me, NPR news quiz show. I do this because it's really funny. What I have often found is that both of these shows reference the same content. It's weird to hear Keith and Chemda's take on the goat sacrifice in the Nepalese airport, and then hear Peter Sagal read a question about it...it's the difference between the Post and the Times.

• I bought an iPhone yesterday. I'm not thrilled about it like I thought I would be. Partly that's because it was a lot of money...though now it's about the cost of any other high-end smartphone. I got the phone not because of any of its cool features, but because Apple is one smart-ass company. If you buy a Mac...which I did...and use iCal...which I do...and want/need to bring your calendar with you to use and edit...which I do...and don't want to spend hours doing computer geek research on how to get another smartphone to read the software...which I don't...then you get an iPhone. I have now become part of the Apple mob. Yup, they own my ass. At least I'm trapped with a damn cool phone and computer and I didn't use a credit card to pay for it! I don't know if you knew this, but not only did they slash the price from $600 to $400, but they have a $300 one as well.

• So here's the thing...I don't think I'm going to be able to keep this blog up. Sitting here this morning and writing this entry has felt really nice. It's feels good to blog. But I don't think I am going to have the time. I feel like it's been weeks since I've written because so much is happening right now, but I don't have time to document it. It frustrates me...and the less stressful emotions I have right now, the better. I don't think I'm finished with this blog like I was with my last one, but maybe it will go on hiatus or something. I'll give you notice when I take my leave...I make it sound like I have a huge readership or something. That's funny.

• I need a job...very soon.

• I think it's hilarious that I've come to Cambridge and become such a bike girl. I swear to you, biking is the fastest way to get from home to school. Faster than the T even. I'm looking at all my nice shoes and fashion boots thinking about how little wear they are going to get. They were New York shoes.
  

There's so much more I'm thinking about...but I got to get ready for school.

It's Time for Some Competition

So I'm on a major money-making kick. Trying to raise some extra funds before I don't have any time to do so. I've had some items that I've wanted to put on eBay for a long time...so I decided to post them now. The last time I used eBay was 2004.

It's gotten SO much more complicated. It's takes like an HOUR to put one item up on the site. So many steps and questions! I've put one item up and I was so tired and burnt out, I didn't have the energy to put up the rest. I'm on a cycle where I'll put one item up every couple of days...that's all I have the patience for.

I'm thinking it's time for a competitive site to launch. One that does what eBay does...just a lot easier.

The 5 Question Interview

I got this from The Rover.

The Rules: Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me.” I respond by asking you five personal questions (I will leave these questions for you in my comments) so I can get to know you better. If I already know you well, expect the questions may be a little more intimate! You WILL update your journal/bloggy thing/whatever with the answers to the questions (please don't leave your answers in my comments unless you don't have a blog). You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the post. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Here is what The Rover asked me:

1. What will you miss most about New York?
Since I'm moving to a city that shuts down around 2am...and that's on the weekends!...I will probably miss how accessible this city is. Any time of the day or night, you can get what you need or want.

2. What was your financial turning point - the moment when you knew you had to make a change?
I can't remember what pay period it was...but I simply got sick of dragging myself over the finish line of another payday. I just got completely fed up of living paycheck to paycheck. Every time I would review my numbers, I knew I made enough money to cover my expenses and modestly enjoy myself. I also knew that I was spending money to immensely enjoy myself. That "I'm worthless" feeling I felt every time my account was overdrawn became too high a price to pay for the temporary euphoria I felt when I dropped $100-200 in a weekend.

Also, I think a lot of it had to do with what I wanted my future to look like. I didn't want to pass on to my kids the type of relationship to money that I had. So I decided I better start creating a different one if I wanted to teach them something more substantial than "don't do what I did."

3. Where will you be in ten years, and what do you see yourself doing?
Hmmm...10 years from now will be 2017 and I'll be 42 years old. I will be in living in the West/Southwest area...I'm thinking New Mexico. I'll be running the performing arts division of a university, either as the Dean or Associate Dean. TM and I will probably have at least one kid by then, if not two. Oh, and I'll have my doctorate from Harvard!

4. Do you think that TM is "the one"?
Yeah, he is. It goes beyond the love we feel for each other. It's that we have become partners as we move forward. He considers me and I consider him as if we are a team. We haven't lost ourselves, but we are definitely greater than the sum of our parts. I've never had that before. That's why he's "the one."

5. How does TM feel about your recent decision to ditch cable? Will you and TM be living together without cable?
Actually, I'm way more of a TV junkie than TM is. We are living together now actually, and I've barely turned on the TV. In that way, I'm glad I don't have cable so that I don't resent him from taking me away from it. Nothing seems to be on network TV, so I don't feel like I'm missing much. Once I'm in school, I know I won't have any time to watch TV, so not having cable still won't be a big loss. He's also way more frugal than I am, so any way cut costs is fine by him. Neither of us can live without movies, however, so our Netflix queue is plenty long.

I Am A Lean, Mean Financial Machine!

I'm very proud of myself.

A couple of weeks ago, I applied for another credit building credit card. It's one that has no APR for the first six months, and frequently reviews my account. The credit limit only increases if I pay on time and above the minimum. It's perfect because it's actual credit, but with strong boundaries...which is exactly what I need.

Anyway, the card came today. As I was reviewing the paperwork, I read that there was an annual fee. I don't know if I missed that before I applied, but if I activated this card, I would be paying the company $40 a year just to have the card. My limit was not that high and it's not even a rewards card!

What fueled my flame was the fact there was another credit card offer from the same company! that offered me the same card...with no annual fee! I figured that if I was being offered a no fee card, they could change the one I've got.

So I called the company to see if they could remove the fee. I was very nice and explained to them that I was very interested in being a customer, but that I wasn't down with the annual fee. They transferred me to a manager and tried to wine and dine me with all the advantages of the card. But I knew I was good enough for a no-fee card, so I wasn't going to settle.

At the end of the day, I cancelled that account without authorizing the card. It was hard because I could have really used it. But I made myself think long-term and I realized that I didn't have, no...didn't want to have $40 in my budget for having a credit card.

After I cancelled, I went online and applied for the no-fee card. I got approved...it's coming in two weeks. I hope that having a cancelled card doesn't really hurt my credit, but I really didn't want that card. Now I know to read everything and pay attention of what's not written.

I Did It!

I sat down this morning and I did it...I created a budget. It wasn't that hard. I simplified it by not trying to track my more complicated accounts: mortgage, 403b, high-interest savings. For now, I don't mind going to those separate websites and reviewing my quarterly statements. I simply listed all my fixed monthly expenses...including contributing to those accounts...and came up with reasonable, yet strict limits on my variable expenses. I was going to buy some expensive software to do this, but I knew that would just add pressure to "figure it all out." So I downloaded one of the free ones that Single Ma pointed out and revised it for me.

The first thing that slapped me in the face was my fixed monthly expenses take up so much less than what I bring in. That includes the money I'm diverting to pay off my credit card debt, my mortgage and maintenance, my bills, savings, everything. Oh! And I'm working off of my net income, not my gross. Which means that I'm pissing away a good chunk of my income. Sure it's nice to get a glass of wine every time I go out to dinner, but is it worth living paycheck to paycheck? Hell no!

Once that reality was sitting there in black and white, it put everything in perspective. All my stressing about how to afford to be the maid of honor at this 5-star resort wedding in Jamaica this May just went away. Along with the financial fear of going to Colorado to attend another wedding with The Mormon in July. As I typed out all that I've spent so far in January, it just seemed so easy! I don't need to spend the way I spend. I don't even want to spend the way I spend. It is getting me nowhere. I would rather feel the frustration that comes from exerting discipline than feel that all-too-familiar desperation as I wait for another payday. I'm actually pretty excited!

Two blogs in particular have helped me so much: Single Ma and Debt Hater. They are two black women who have just had enough and have made changes in their lives to get rid of the financial monkey on their backs.

You know how in this consumer culture...and especially in NYC...there is this misconception everyone around you can afford things without worry? Maybe you don't experience this, but I feel serious pressure to keep up with The Jones'. Yet, credit card debt is an epidemic, isn't it? So it can't be that everyone around me has their money together and I'm the one who doesn't...it can't be. However, since very few people really talk about their financial situation...few people even KNOW their financial situation...I'm left with this feeling that everyone else must be doing something right. I love SM and DH so much because they are straight up honest about the fact that budgeting for them is not an option. That they they do not have it all figured it out, but are learning more every day. They falter, but then find a way to get back on track. And I get the sense that although it's easier for them now, it's still a battle. That makes me feel so much better...not through schadenfreude or anything...but in a "I'm not alone" way.

I feel so empowered just by this simple step of creating a budget. I think I have the strength now to kill the wasp that's hanging around my window. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, a wasp in January.

I Am Not A Complete Financial F*ck-Up! I Am Not!

Money is my Achilles' Heel. I feel like a complete idiot when it comes to money. Even as I have made HUGE strides in handling my bills better and getting rid of debt, I still think I'm a schmuck.

I KNOW I am not a tool...*she says more to convince herself*...I mean, by the end of January, I will have gotten rid of about five thousand dollars of credit card debt by setting up automatic withdrawals; I will have paid absolutely no interest on my first new credit card in years by paying off the full balance for three months. I will have not had any previous balances on my monthly bills for at least six months...the exception being cable and Internet. I think I resent how expensive that sh*t is, so I resist paying the bill. I still pay it, though. Granted, the "Law & Order" payment helped, but I was still the one who managed that money. For many people, this isn't a big deal. This may sound like a father declaring, "I take care of my kids!" as if he was doing something special. But Americans are billions of dollars in debt, so I know I am not alone.

I have a long way to go, that is for sure. But whenever I feel down on myself, I go online and look at my TIAA-CREF retirement account. I don't have tons of different accounts that have my money making money, but I do have my job's 403-b. From my first day at work, I had them deduct money out of my paycheck...pre-taxed, of course...and did research into which mutual funds to best place it for my age and whatnot. Once I was working a year, my job started to contribute to the fund as well. The result: I've got five figures in my retirement account and I've contributed about half that amount. The rest comes from my job and the money the account has made. The best part about it is that I'm fully vested in all of it! So I get to roll ALL of that money over when I leave.

This makes me very proud of myself. It gives me the confidence to know that if I can get a handle on some parts of my money, even after 32 years, I can get a handle on all of it.

I haven't come up with my New Year's Theme yet, but I do know it will incorporate budgeting every month, building up my emergency fund, and helping Ella socialize better with other dogs in 2007.

My Sunday Musings

It's official. Sunday is my musing day...I'm always contemplative and introspective on this day. Often I am sad/depressed on this day, but I've learned to just ride the wave.

So what am I thinking about this Sunday?

• I'm thinking about the almost violent reaction I felt when I read that Single Ma was dating someone. I don't know this woman at all, yet I feel so connected to her because she has helped me with a huge part of my life. She wrote a post about wanting to start another blog about more personal matters, including her new beau. I don't know why, but a huge wave of jealousy rushed over me. It didn't seem like Single Ma had time to date! But, then again, I don't know anything about her life. I know this isn't the reality, but it feels like everyone has something real happening in their love life except me. You know what I want for my birthday: to fucking be at fucking peace with the fact that I am fucking alone!
  

• I'm getting a 7% raise, starting in about 10 days. I did the math on what it means to my biweekly paycheck...and it doesn't mean that much. But I want to use this to revamp the way I work with my money. I'm going to start reusing a budget again in September, writing expenses down, stuff like that. September will also be the first month in a long time that I'm not catching up on late payments to my mortgage...first time I'm admitting that. Falling behind on my mortgage has really screwed with my credit score, so I'm looking forward to being back on track.
  

• I have finally told people who are most important to me about my next big life project. I can't tell the blogsphere because it affects my work and I don't want someone to connect the dots from my work to this blog to me. This world is smaller than you think. I got nothing but support, however and that felt very good.

Aside: Betty White is performing on William Shatner's roast on Comedy Central and she is ROUGH and HILARIOUS! Raunchy and mean and offensive...and she gets away with it because she's in her 80s and looks so cute and sweet!

• I went to a Boz Skaggs concert last week. It was a glimpse into the world of appropriation. Boz is a white guy that has fever for the flava! All his music is R&B/soulesque as heard through Muzak. He mumbles all his lyrics like he's skatting. And of course he had the requisite full-figured, black, back-up singers. His audience was filled with middle-aged white people who truly believe they are hip because they dig Boz' music. And they proved their hipness by squeezing their middle-aged bodies in white pants and see-through tops. Or combed out their chest hair to peek through their gawdy-colored Hawaii shirts. It was surreal. It didn't help that his opening act, James Hunter, was this white, British dude who was born 40 years too late, in the wrong country and the wrong race. Luckily, James was good at being Sam Cooke.
  

Another aside: Farrah Fawcett is Loca!

• I saw Step Up this weekend with my sisters. The dancing in that movie was amazing, though the movie was filled with horr-e-ble acting and the cheeziest lines ever uttered on screen. However, something wonderful came out of that viewing...Channing Tatum. He is sooooo hot in that movie, it became difficult to watch. He got finer as the movie went along. I want to know everything about Channing. I've already found out he's been in other movies I had no intention of ever watching. However, now I have to see them because he is in them...it's that deep. It helped that his scenes were the only ones that didn't seem like an after-school special. I Heart Channing! And all you have to do is see Step Up to understand.
  

• I am going to spend this weekend and all of next week going to the Judy Holliday retrospective at the Walter Reade Theatre. I saw Born Yesterday on TV a few weeks ago and fell madly in love with her. I can't wait.
  

• I was all worried about what I treat myself with for my birthday. It was between a massage, new running sneakers, getting my hair cut, or paying off a credit card. I am very proud of myself that I'm not trying to do all these things. I know it's cheezy, but I really would get a thrill over paying off a credit card. I told you Single Ma influences me! I am trying not to be all work and no play, so that I don't act out. But I think my birthday present to myself will be the Judy Holliday film fest. Thoughts?

I think that's it. Gotta go to bed.

Part of a Network

I am working on my financial life, though I haven't referenced it lately. I was living life pretty leanly during a time when I was trying to get rid of some pesky bills. I'm back on track, but I celebrated my new found "freedom" by going a little crazy with shopping sprees and dinners at places with outdoor seating. That set me back...financially and emotionally. What I learned though was that there is a clear pattern with my spending and that pattern is directly tied to my feelings of power and control...or lack thereof.

Now I'm working on transferring those feelings. Instead of feeling in control spending $200 at the Gap, I'm feeling powerful when my monthly bills come in and the past due balance says $0. I'm not there yet, but I do have a goal...and a mantra. I tell myself, "Use my money for good, not evil."

Something else I've learned is that I need to make more money. In order to make real progress, I'm going to have to find another source of income...or another position. I know I am being underpaid at my position. For the first year, it was fine because I was brand new to it and I was still making more than I did in my last job. But now I'm going into my third year; I've learned loads, I do loads, and my salary has not moved at the same pace. So I'm contemplating my options at the moment. Again, I feel powerful when I do things to take control of how much money I make.

Finally, I took a very scary step...I became part of a network. Single Ma turned me on to it...of course! It's a great way to challenge oneself to work toward a pesky financial goal. Every week, you can see your progress in pie chart form and track the progress of everyone else. It was started by this dude who has a pretty intense opinion on credit. Regardless, he manages a very supportive site. It's interesting to see the huge range of goals. Mine is to create $5,000 in emergency fund savings in one year...something I have NEVER had in my life. At my current level of savings, I would only save $1,000. So I need to step up my weekly savings and think about diverting all those little extra funds into my e-fund.

Having a plan makes me smile.

Dedicated to Single Ma

Single Ma is my inspiration on all things financial. She is also fiercely independent and isn't afraid to show it. So this post is dedicated to her. Go say hello to her...she just got a promotion!

Anyways...it's getting hot outside these days. For a dog, this can be mighty uncomfortable, especially for Ella. See how much hair she has?

So I looked into getting Ella groomed. The prices ranged from $45 to $65 for a wash, a full haircut, and an ear cleaning. Now, I wash Ella myself once a month and the vet taught me how to clean her ears once a week. So I'd be paying up to $65 for the haircut. I was going to do it, but it was bugging me. But today, I decided to do it for myself! I went to Rite Aid and bought a pair of clippers for $15. I covered my living room in newspaper, used scissors to cut her hair short, then used the clippers to shear down the rest.

The result: I gave Ella her first haircut since she's been with me. I nicked her a couple of times, but for the most part, she was a trooper. She has the attention span of a 4-year-old, but she's a trooper. Here are the after pictures. I think it's not bad for a first timer, if I do say so myself.

Flummoxed

My sister is 21 years old. My sister bought a brand-new car yesterday. My sister is wrapped up with a man who is a playa...at the very least. My sister bought it herself with no help from anyone. My sister is in love with said playa. My sister's credit score is so great that she didn't have to put down a dime. My sister is going to be a senior in college. My sister has never had a full-time job that lasted longer than a summer.

I am totally blown away by the paradox that is my sister.