Hate to Be That Person

I've recently discovered I'm becoming that woman who is so afraid of becoming involved with someone that I am rationalizing my fear by coming up with excuses to avoid putting myself out there..."I'm too busy." "It's exhausting." "They're all idiots."

I am also repeating my pattern of trying to maintain a friendship to a man who is unworthy. I can let him go, but I don't think I want to let him off the hook. And so, I cut off my nose to spite my face. Why?

Don't Tell Anyone

I feel comfortable saying this here because few of my friends from school know about this blog. Those that do know will probably agree with me! I've been feeling this way for some time, but it really came to a head this weekend...in a nutshell, my Harvard friends are boring!

I know, I know, I shouldn't be surprised. It is Harvard after all, mecca to the academic nerd. But last year, when we were all starting out, we partied like rock stars! Our weekends started on Thursdays: we went to happy hours, went dancing, saw plays and concerts, saw friends do improv, hosted parties, went to parties.

But something has changed. This year, we barely see each other. A person will throw a party...on Saturday night, mind you...and people will bail because "they have too much work." Now, I go to the same school they do and I can't imagine having so much work that you can't go to a party on a Saturday night!

I didn't realize how strong my feelings were around this issue until this weekend. Friday was a beautiful day; Friday night was a beautiful night. I wanted to go out, but decided to stay in to catch up on some personal stuff. I did this specifically thinking that Saturday night there will be a bunch of people wanting to rock the casbah. Saturday night, my friend performed in a concert and invited me to meet up with some people at a bar. Perfect! I'll catch up with friends, we'll enjoy the night by going bar hopping in Harvard Square...very easy to do on a warm Saturday night. 

What happened?  Absolutely nothing! We sat in a very lame bar...which did have $3 glasses of wine...talking shop and then everyone left at 11pm. I couldn't believe it! Boston has had miserable weather since forever. This is the first time in months when it's been warm for more than 12 hours, and everyone is tired?!?

What really drove it home was I went to a bbq this afternoon at the home of a very old friend of mine. He and his family had about 20 people over: couples, single folk, kids, everybody. I met some really cool and funny people. As the night wore on and the families went home, there were about 10 people who still wanted to stay up talking and drinking and enjoying the fact that we were outside. After 7 hours, I finally left. You see? That's what I'm talking about. People who can put all this schoolwork shit in perspective and realize life is too short not to honor Mother Nature for granting us this great weekend. 

I have to say, I don't miss living in NYC in the least. It's far too crowded and fast and jaded for me at this point in my life. But I will say that New Yorkers know how to enjoy good weather. If I were back in the city, I know I would be out with old friends and/or meeting new ones.

Ah well...it is the choice I made. I'm thinking however, as I enter my third year of my doctoral program next fall, and don't have as many classes to tie me to the campus, that I'm going to really branch out and find friends with whom I connect on more than just the Harvard level...because that level is pretty uneven.

New Habits are Hard to Start

As I mentioned previously, I'm working on making some changes in my life. I don't mean to be cryptic, but honestly, I'm not clear about what those changes are. I'm not clear on where I'm going, but I do know where I don't want to be anymore. The thing is it's hard to break those habits; I find myself falling back into my old ways of being. They weren't dangerous or self-destructive, but they are not making me as happy as I thought they would. 

I just want to be quieter and simpler. I want to be more private and secretive. I want think more before I speak and think more without speaking. Whenever I am able to be this way, it feels wonderful. I just need to do it more often.

It's a New Year?

I know it's 2009 and all, but for the life of me I don't feel renewed, rejuvenated, re-anything. The only dates I'm thinking about are all the due dates for my assignments and of course, January 14th. That's the day I leave for my first solo vacation. 

I went back and look at my postings on this blog from last January. I'm pleasantly surprised to report that I have made good on my goal to not get complacent. I have lost weight, I have spent this year doing more non-school stuff, especially attending theatre. I have not made as much progress as I would have liked on my own research, but I am getting there. Of course, a bunch of unexpected things have happened, but what are you going to do?

I had a wonderful conversation with Tuckergurl, and she helped me see my resolution to not fall in love in a new way. I still believe that I am not meant to grow old with a partner, but on my path to come to peace with that realization, this will be the year that I Stop Looking for Love. I mean really stop. Not do that thing where I say I'm not looking, but I keep glancing over my shoulder, or keep listening for the phone to ring. I am going to actively avoid love. Men will be nothing but friends and if I start to feel something more, then I'll stop being friends. 

I know it seems silly, but I no longer trust my own instincts or judgment. If I fall for someone, I no longer believe that experience will benefit my life. And I fear for my own sanity if I continue to try and fail. I know this is real because I usually don't live my life scared by my depression. But I don't think that I could survive any more rejection...and I know I could survive living alone.

I'll be 35 this year, so here's to the first year of the rest of my life. 

P.S. I will also try to spend this year NOT talking about this all the time!

Single and Fabulous?

Remember that "Sex and the City" episode?

I have to get something out of my head and heart before it eats away at me. I am a single woman; that is my reality. I wish I wasn't, however I know I am moving on and I am proud of myself for it.

Except...when I get a Facebook message from a very old friend who assumes that someone in a photo is my husband. And then I read the Weddings/Celebrations section of the New York Times. Why shouldn't my friend make that assumption? Everyone else we know from our circle of friends is married by now; I am in my mid-30s now...it's fair.

After that happens, I stop feeling proud. Instead, a surge of loneliness and failure that is so intense it stings my eyes comes over me. There is nothing for me to do in those moments except feel the feeling without judgment and with the knowledge that this, too, shall pass.

Ripping Off the Band-Aid

I'm announcing it to the world to make it real: my prediction came to pass...TM and I are no longer together. We fought the good fight, but ultimately TM decided that he couldn't be with me and pursue his dreams simultaneously; the stress of it was too much. I tried to convince him that our rough patch was temporary and that I could be there as he fulfilled his dreams, but ultimately he didn't buy it. Ultimately, I got tired of trying to convince him.

I'm hurt, sad, angry, and scared.

I'm scared that I am in my mid-30s and "back on the market;" that doesn't bode well. I'm sad that the best relationship I've ever been a part of is over. I'm mad that TM didn't even let us go to the two couple counseling sessions we had scheduled, especially after the first one was so good. I'm scared that I am physically incapable of having a relationship last more than 18 months. I'm hurt by the idea that I convinced him to pursue his passion and I get kicked to the curb because of it. I'm angry that he did this when I have a 20-minute presentation due in two days and we have 5 months left on the lease. I'm hurt that TM doesn't seem to be hurting.

I could go on and on.

The one thing I'm not scared of is becoming depressed again. My rationale goes: if I survived the worst relationship...and break-up...I've ever had, I can certainly survive this.

Besides, if I decide to quit Harvard, I want it to be on my terms, so it behooves me to do well.

I'm Scared

It just hit me last night as I was falling asleep after a fantastic day on Fire Island...I'm scared.

I don't not want to move to Boston. I definitely want to attend Harvard. But I'm uprooting my life. As an adult, I have never lived in a city as long as I've lived in NYC. I'm very scared.

On top of all that, I'm starting a whole new life with TM. This will be our first apartment...a first step in what I hope will be the rest of our lives.

And there's so much I don't know...what if I can't hack it at Harvard? Will my NYC friendships sustain if we're in different cities? What if TM hates it there? What if I hate it there?

I have been burying myself in the details of finding boxes and showing my apartment and tying up loose ends at work so that I don't have to think about how scared I am. And I know I'm acting crazy right now because I'm so scared. So now I'm scared about alienating loved ones right when connection is most important.

At least I know my fear won't stop me from doing any of this.

Thanks for letting me say all that.

"Scared Shitless"

I'm not going into details because of my superstition about cursing new relationships by talking about them. Also, this post may not make much sense because I am still trying to make sense of it. But I am now seeing a guy whom I really like. It's been about a month. He is a guy that I would have never even considered had I met him in a lounge or on the subway: he's really tall, very thin, and he has long hair. He's also much younger than me. Luckily, I got to know him as a person through a very rigorous "getting to know you process" via an online dating service. Now I really dig him.

Since then, we've been several dates and talked about our families, our futures, our pasts, our politics. He knows all about my life-changing event and he also knows I don't like his hair (we've decided not to talk about it). He makes me laugh and I make him dinner.

I'm completely scared shitless. We just spent a great weekend together and there was a moment when I got so scared of my feelings for him that I almost kicked him out of my apartment. The last time I felt this way...something real...it was with Ex...and that turned out horribly, see the beginning of this blog. Just when I think that I have finally worked Ex out of my system, his effects keep lingering on. Luckily, this new guy is a big fan of dialogue, so we were able to talk it out.

This isn't official by any means, but we have fun when we're together and our eyes are wide open. So we are just going to keep hanging out. And he is going to be wonderfully patient while I work out my fears.

My Sunday Musings

It's official. Sunday is my musing day...I'm always contemplative and introspective on this day. Often I am sad/depressed on this day, but I've learned to just ride the wave.

So what am I thinking about this Sunday?

• I'm thinking about the almost violent reaction I felt when I read that Single Ma was dating someone. I don't know this woman at all, yet I feel so connected to her because she has helped me with a huge part of my life. She wrote a post about wanting to start another blog about more personal matters, including her new beau. I don't know why, but a huge wave of jealousy rushed over me. It didn't seem like Single Ma had time to date! But, then again, I don't know anything about her life. I know this isn't the reality, but it feels like everyone has something real happening in their love life except me. You know what I want for my birthday: to fucking be at fucking peace with the fact that I am fucking alone!
  

• I'm getting a 7% raise, starting in about 10 days. I did the math on what it means to my biweekly paycheck...and it doesn't mean that much. But I want to use this to revamp the way I work with my money. I'm going to start reusing a budget again in September, writing expenses down, stuff like that. September will also be the first month in a long time that I'm not catching up on late payments to my mortgage...first time I'm admitting that. Falling behind on my mortgage has really screwed with my credit score, so I'm looking forward to being back on track.
  

• I have finally told people who are most important to me about my next big life project. I can't tell the blogsphere because it affects my work and I don't want someone to connect the dots from my work to this blog to me. This world is smaller than you think. I got nothing but support, however and that felt very good.

Aside: Betty White is performing on William Shatner's roast on Comedy Central and she is ROUGH and HILARIOUS! Raunchy and mean and offensive...and she gets away with it because she's in her 80s and looks so cute and sweet!

• I went to a Boz Skaggs concert last week. It was a glimpse into the world of appropriation. Boz is a white guy that has fever for the flava! All his music is R&B/soulesque as heard through Muzak. He mumbles all his lyrics like he's skatting. And of course he had the requisite full-figured, black, back-up singers. His audience was filled with middle-aged white people who truly believe they are hip because they dig Boz' music. And they proved their hipness by squeezing their middle-aged bodies in white pants and see-through tops. Or combed out their chest hair to peek through their gawdy-colored Hawaii shirts. It was surreal. It didn't help that his opening act, James Hunter, was this white, British dude who was born 40 years too late, in the wrong country and the wrong race. Luckily, James was good at being Sam Cooke.
  

Another aside: Farrah Fawcett is Loca!

• I saw Step Up this weekend with my sisters. The dancing in that movie was amazing, though the movie was filled with horr-e-ble acting and the cheeziest lines ever uttered on screen. However, something wonderful came out of that viewing...Channing Tatum. He is sooooo hot in that movie, it became difficult to watch. He got finer as the movie went along. I want to know everything about Channing. I've already found out he's been in other movies I had no intention of ever watching. However, now I have to see them because he is in them...it's that deep. It helped that his scenes were the only ones that didn't seem like an after-school special. I Heart Channing! And all you have to do is see Step Up to understand.
  

• I am going to spend this weekend and all of next week going to the Judy Holliday retrospective at the Walter Reade Theatre. I saw Born Yesterday on TV a few weeks ago and fell madly in love with her. I can't wait.
  

• I was all worried about what I treat myself with for my birthday. It was between a massage, new running sneakers, getting my hair cut, or paying off a credit card. I am very proud of myself that I'm not trying to do all these things. I know it's cheezy, but I really would get a thrill over paying off a credit card. I told you Single Ma influences me! I am trying not to be all work and no play, so that I don't act out. But I think my birthday present to myself will be the Judy Holliday film fest. Thoughts?

I think that's it. Gotta go to bed.

Testing Her Effectiveness

I am in something today...and it's bad. I haven't felt this cut off since my PTSD and my depression was in full swing last winter. It's so bad I don't want to leave the house to walk Ella. So you can imagine how grateful I am that I have to leave the house and walk Ella. It's been the only time I have left my couch all day.

On another note, I don't think TV gets any better in the quality of the writing, the acting, the casting, everything than it does on "House."

You Know that Scene...

...the scene in Clueless when Cher couldn't find her Fred Segal shirt so she went to her driving test in another shirt but was all distracted so she failed and then she came back home and Ty was playing hackey sack with Josh and then Ty said that she wanted Josh and when Cher poo-pooed the idea Ty called her something nasty and then when Ty left Cher started to feel claustrophobic and like she was going to throw up so she went on a long walk?

That's what I feel like today...like I need to get out.

Sunday Blues

This is the second Sunday in a row that I'm feeling down on a Sunday night. Perhaps the emotional roller coaster that is "Grey's Anatomy" leaves me spent every Sunday. It's like the entire week descends on me right when I'm getting ready to begin a new one.

I guess I shouldn't beat myself up too much. Today I visited my grandmother who is in a nursing home. She is suffering from dementia...has been for years. It has been slightly difficult for me to process for several reasons. The first one being that it seemed to happen overnight. She had a stroke one holiday season and that was the beginning of the end. Before then she was a vibrant, lively old lady. Traveled often, got herself around the city, even volunteered in a hospital. Now it's a crap shoot on whether she's going to recognize me when I visit her.

As I write this, I realize that her mental deterioration didn't happen overnight...it was gradual, but her first stroke did tip the scales. My dad says that her memory is deteriorating backwards...like a tape being erased from the end to the beginning. That means that she's going to forget my brother, then me, then my cousins, then my dad. Then she'll forget how to do basic bodily functions, including how to eat. It's very sad, but since my grandmother is in the middle of living it, it's just reality...you know?

It's also strange because I was never very close to her. My dad and his side of the family are Jamaican, but I was raised by my American mother. I was "the weird American cousin" to everyone but my dad. I inherited my grandmother's bosom, but that's about it. She didn't approve that I didn't believe in God, that I grew 'locks, stuff like that. One of the advantages of her dementia is that she doesn't remember any of that stuff!

I guess that's part of the reason why I'm blue. Add that to the myriad of other stuff I've put on this blog and that can equal one sad lady...at least for tonight.

The Power of Television

"The West Wing" is a better show than even they know. Last night's episode was all about CJ Craig and what job she was going to take after she leaves the White House. But it was really about what she was going to do with her life after she leaves the White House. It was about her taking the courageous step of falling in love with Timothy Busfield's character, Danny. It was really good.

The last scene of the show was so powerful for me that I cried. And kept crying for the rest of the night. CJ spoke of her "window being shut." The window of opportunity of learning how to be in a relationship, of how to share her life. She said that window was shut, that it was too late for her. Now she's just a woman who is good at her job, "good at working." Danny, being an unreal but perfect TV character, wouldn't let her settle for that. He told her, "you are allowed to be scared, but not scared enough to run away from this. I'm not that scary." How great is that!

After the episode was over, I went on with my night. I watched "Desperate Housewives" out of the corner of my eye while I gave Ella a haircut. That show is so bad now! I cleaned up and watched "Grey's Anatomy." I don't think that show can get any better! Then I walked Ella and started crying again. I wasn't sure why, but this morning I figured it out.

It's not that I'm lonely. I mean I am, but I'm sort of used to it. It's that I feel like my window is getting so small that there's no room for any opportunity to come through. I'm not old by any stretch of the imagination, but I'm not young either. All my life I knew that I would fall in love, get married and have a family. It was a given. For the first time, I'm grappling with the notion that it's not a given...that I actually may not find a person to share my life with. I know it's sounds melodramatic, but that doesn't mean that I don't feel it. I'm losing hope...and I feel like a part of me is dying.

CJ named something that I had been keeping inside for a long time. Damn that really good show!

Weekend Thoughts

I don't really have much to post...I've been feeling out of sorts lately. Can't really say why. I'm noticing disappointment, both by people who disappoint me and those I disappoint. In this city especially, it seems to be perfectly acceptable to make half-ass plans and then not follow through. To say you'll call and then don't. It's annoyed me for a long time, but this weekend I had a long look at myself and realized that I sometimes do the same thing. I decided to be more selective and decisive in the plans I make.

A good friend of mine may have found her soulmate. It was totally unexpected and kind of inconvenient, but it's happened nonetheless. She is an AMAZING person, so I am crazy happy for her. But I'm also angry at the fact that life isn't fair. There is nothing on my horizon at all, and my friend has to clear men out of her path to get to the one she wants. Everyone says that when you're not looking is when it happens, but I feel like I can't afford not to look, you know?

I'm feeling kinda blah...luckily it's time for bed. And I get to start over tomorrow.