It's Not All About Him

I've realized that I've been writing a lot about my man and his woes. As with any personal writing, the writer's truth is the most subjective thing ever. I haven't really been using this blog to help me process my own stuff or share other, more positive news. I don't really know why. Perhaps I come here when I feel impotent to handle an issue on my own. When I don't know what action to take.

I guess I could mention that I'm joining Weight Watchers. I need to lose 10 pounds and it was a very useful tool a couple of summers ago.

I have so much grading to do...it's insane. It's the end of the semester, so everything is due. I'm so sick of dealing with people's crap through their papers.

My family is going through some serious stuff right now...yet another situation I can do nothing about.

I just saw on the news the nuclear disaster in Japan has been rated as dangerous as the Chernobyl disaster. I have no words about how horrible that is.

Ella is good. She is a constant good. I can never forget that.

I am so incredibly in love to one of the best men I have ever known. He is a good man...in his soul he is good. Despite what is happening right now, I am so lucky to have him in my life.

I have realized that I can't grade tonight. They are due tomorrow morning, but I can't do it. The students will live.

Oh! There is a crazy bag lady that lives in my building and camps out in mailbox alcove, which happens to be right across the hall from my front door. She actually deserves her own post, so I'll write about her soon.

How I Am

I'm having a great holiday season. Tons of parties, tons of food, tons of drinking...luckily all in potluck form so I'm not spending any money. Laughter, stories, bonding. For instance, I had one of the best days of my life with my friend: A day of skiing, two bottles of wine, Indian food, and talking into the night by the fire.

And my sister had another MRI yesterday. This time it was to take a picture of her spine to establish a baseline...do you understand what that means? That means they expect her spine to deteriorate and they need a "before" picture so they can see how bad the "afters" get. That idea twists my heart.

So though I'm having a good time, I talk about my sister's disease a lot. People know about it. They ask me about it. Even the one friend who still checks in on this blog (Thanks, darlin'), she checks in on me.

But there is one person in particular that I haven't heard from at all. She was the first person I called, sobbing uncontrollably. And all I've gotten is a Merry Christmas voicemail last week...which I returned and she hasn't.

This is something I've always wondered...does my strength and joviality imply I don't need support? I would think old friends, who have seen me at my weakest, would know I am not always that way. I would also think that even if they thought I was doing okay, they would check in to find out anyway.

Lessons #1-25 babillion: one can't control the actions of others; one can only control oneself. So I want to figure out how I can get the support from people that's right for me. I could just ask, but having a "conversation" about how I'm not getting what I need makes the issue about my friend when...honestly...it should be about me. There have been so many conversations we've had for hours where we've just talked about her job/life/boy situations. Don't get me wrong, I love those talks, and it's not like it's the only type of conversations we have.

She does call me when she wants to talk, so in a way she is asking for help. But I don't know if I need to talk about my sister's MS per say. I guess I just need to know that my friends are thinking of me and care about how I'm doing.

But that's not very much to need. Maybe I shouldn't be that upset over the absence of a phone call or two. Or maybe I do need to talk it out and I just don't know it. Perhaps a well-placed phone call would release a floodgates of emotions that would stop the achy, twisted feeling in my heart. I mean, I'm reusing this old ass blog no one reads anymore, so I must have something to say.

I don't know...perhaps this whole idea exhausts me. Sometimes I get tired being proactive, of being the person to say what everyone is thinking but no one is willing to say. That's probably not going to stop, though, so what changes should I make?

I just want someone to read my mind every once in a while....I just read that sentence and it cracked me up!

My Sister's Disease...

...is always on my mind. Always.

Don't get me wrong, my family and I are definitely living our lives. I'm overeating and overdrinking as I celebrate the holidays with friends. I'm writing up my research in my office every day. My mom is prepping the house for Christmas, my stepdad is working too much, and my other sister is wrapping up another semester of teaching.

But it is still there: my sister has MS.

Whenever I pause and contemplate it, I cry. On the spot. I talked to the other sister about it, and she says the same thing happens to her.

I had a therapy session of sorts with my doctor. She assured me I don't have MS and what I'm doing is mourning...mourning the death of the future I envisioned for my sister. Not to say that she won't conquer the world (you will totally know her name), but it won't be a completely healthy future. She might have a flare up and temporarily go blind, or lose feeling in her limbs.

You know how with some diseases there is a possibility of a worst case scenario, but it's always a slight one? With MS, temporary blindness isn't even the worst case scenario; neither is loss of mobility. They are just par for the course. In fact, my sister's specialist said that the eye problems that led to her diagnosis will probably come back. It's possible that it might be worse. It is also possible that her flare-ups will be few and far between; and one might never know if one spends any time with my sister.

But that's the sucky part...all of it is possible.

Except for her not having MS...

Never Mind

So I found out later that day that my grandma is fine. She gained movement on her right side and she can talk and eat on her own. Why am I surprised? Like I mentioned before, she's as strong as an ox. She's recovered from other strokes, I don't know why I would think she wouldn't recover from this one. Did I mention she's 93? So it's all good now. I'm making plans to visit her in a couple of weeks. 

Goodness gracious, I'm going to live to be 105.

Space Cadet

These have not been the best of times for me. Granted, these aren't the worst I've seen, but they have been pretty rough. I'm feeling relatively good emotionally, though physically I've been plagued with some vague but real symptoms. I'm thinking they are due to the stress of the end of the semester, but I'm seeing a doctor just in case.

Today, however, I'm completely out of it. I found out that my grandmother had a massive stroke yesterday. She's had a bunch in her life, but this one was the most severe: she is paralyzed on one full side of her body. She can't eat on her own because the thing in the throat that moves over to let food go down the wrong pipe isn't working. She is breathing on her own, however. 

The worst part about it is that she is fully alert, even though she can't move and can't talk. This is very bad for her because she has always been a fiercely independent woman; she's also extremely stubborn. My dad says that she keeps trying to talk and trying to move and is getting very frustrated with her inability to do so. I'm very upset by this news. This should be expected, I know, but it surprises me.

We knew this was going to happen. After her first stroke about four years ago, the doctors told my dad that it was the beginning of the end. Her brain and her body were shutting down. She would slowing stop remembering words, faces. Then her brain would stop remembering how to take care of itself. At the time, we thought that whole process would happen quickly. Four years later, she's still here. Which made me think that she would be here for quite a while longer.

I've never been very close to my grandma. I know she loves me, but every time I saw her, she criticized me. Getting to know each other wasn't really high on our priority list. I don't feel guilty about that, but right now, I am aching for her. That she is aware of her inability to move or talk must be torturous for her. The woman has been incredibly strong for more than 90 years; now her body has stopped cooperating.

I'm spending the afternoon staring at my computer screen, trying to do work, and talking on the phone. What I really want to do is take a nap.

Family

Quick update: I'm not annoyed with the boy anymore. He has responded to all attempts at communication. We have plans to see each other tomorrow. All is well.

I am, on the other hand, very vexed by my emotions this week with regard to my mother. I've been annoyed and angry at, disappointed in, upset by her...you name it. I need to understand why I was so pissed at her this week. I had a good time regardless, but I'm coming to the conclusion that I may not be able to spend an extended amount of time with her.

A Change of Pace

Though I need to keep posting about TM in order to process and deal, I'm sick of doing so at the present moment, so I'll share other news.

My mom is in Mexico right now!!! She's spending three weeks living with a family outside of Mexico City doing some community organizing work and taking intensive Spanish classes. And this is for course credit. Yes, my mom is in school as well.

This is the first time my mom has been out of the country in many, many years. All three of her daughters have been to some combination of Europe, South America, Africa, Central America, and the Caribbean...some of us have been to all five. She has only been to Jamaica, Bermuda, and Canada. My mom is the personification of making sure the next generation accomplishes more than the one before.

I am so impressed with her strength to keep learning and growing.

Congrats S'mom!

I just got back from a graduation, but it wasn't for one of my younger siblings or cousins. It was for my stepmom, who finished her Bachelor's after starting it decades earlier. In the interim, she's lived in New York City, worked with some fantastic artists, earned her Master's degree...arts school, what are you going to do?...got married, raised a child, maintained a lovely home, and has supported me as I have cried, laughed, ranted, complained, marveled, worried, and celebrated life.

I couldn't ask for a better second mom. I love her and I am so proud of her!

Happy New Year, Y'all!

I have been allergic to my computer for the past couple of weeks. The idea of using my laptop for anything, even checking email, has created a strange reaction. I'm sure this is due to the fact that I used my laptop every single day of last semester.

What that means is that even when I had plenty of opportunities to post while spending Christmas at The Ranch, I didn't want to. So to sum up, it was a great time. TM's family actually got me presents...which I didn't expect...and I didn't have to work as hard with the cows. It was very cool to see all the calves I worked with over the summer all grown up and almost as big as their mothers. I was able to meet the last of TM's family and got to know other family members better. Lots of great food was consumed.

One funny story: it's cold there. Very cold. Negative temperatures were often reported. We would wake up and it would be 15 degrees below or 22 degrees below. I went running one morning and frost formed on my eyelashes. I had to keep wiping my eyes in order to open and close them.

So, it's a New Year. As you may know, I try to avoid resolutions and instead work under a yearly theme...like this one and this one. This time I do have specific goals I want to accomplish, but I still need a theme. So this year, my theme is to Not Get Complacent. This year is going to be rough, and it would be easy for me to blame Harvard for not doing anything else but going to classes and writing papers. But I do want to keep doing things: like exercising, like moving forward on non-course requirements of my degree, like keeping my weight down.

So my theme will be my personal kick-in-the-pants so that I keep my head out of my ass. Wish me luck!

Family is Hard

Especially when it's not your family, but you are still very connected. But the family may not see you that way...at least not yet.

When you are observing family from afar, all its attributes and its flaws are crystal clear, and you can revel in the fact that they are so different from you. But as you get closer, when you and other people stop being on 'best behavior', you realize how much their attributes and their flaws are similar to your own.

When you are trying to create family with another person, and you watch that person interact with his original family, you realize that your version of family is so new and fragile compared to the years of history and stories and adventures. It's enough to make one feel like she doesn't have a leg to stand on.

And of course, you don't want to be that girl...the one who everyone has to appease because she doesn't know 'how things are'. But you end up being that girl anyway because you are feeling like you've always missed the private joke, even when people try to explain it. After all, family is nice and supportive and as welcoming as they can be.

And all this doesn't even take into consideration when you feel like so much is at stake because you really want to be part of family, that you want to get in on the private joke. It all just sucks because ultimately, you feel like you're blowing it.

That's all I got tonight.

More Death and Other News

So TM's grandmother died in the middle of last night; it was expected, but it's still sad. He's seems fine, but when he's anything other than totally upbeat, he folds into himself. I can tell he's trying not to cut me out completely, but I can also tell it's a struggle. I'm learning to simply let him know that I'm here for him and let him be.

I've been struggling with a slight drowning feeling this week. National traumas and those that have affected people close to me have left a mark on me as well. It's strange because I don't think I reacted this strongly when my own aunt died. Maybe I am reacting this strongly to my aunt's death. Maybe this is how I'm able to deal...pour my condolences onto others.

I have to say this is the first time that I have felt this blue and not completely freaked out that I am becoming depressed again. I think I've gotten a LOT better at reading my emotions. I also think of Angela's advice: basically, she doesn't critique her emotions when she gets down...she just listens. And does what she wants/needs to make herself feel better. I think that's what I've been doing this week.

In other news, Ella is going for an extended vacation this weekend. My parents are coming for a visit and they are taking Ella with them so I don't have to put her in a kennel while I'm in Jamaica. It's not quite real to me yet. When it does become real, I will cry. Goodness gracious, I love that dog!

The wedding is almost here! I'm so excited! I can't wait for this whole thing to be over. I've learned through this process that being a maid of honor is a BIG deal. You not only need to be a very good party planner, but also a therapist, a personal assistant, a dry shoulder, a jester, possess nerves of steel and a lot of disposable income. Because a bride is a creature all her own. I was lucky that this wedding would never be on "Bridezillas," but she definitely had her moments. I'm not going to say something stupid like, "I'll never be like that!" But I think it should be a prerequisite for all brides to be a bridesmaid at someone's wedding...an internship of sorts.

I am officially running out of weekends. TM and I leave for Massachusetts in less than three months. There are certain friends who have invoked the NYC motto: "Let's get together." The problem is, I need to plan those get togethers. Because I don't have a lot of time and we have a lot to do. I keep trying to tell these certain friends this, but it's hard for them to get out the NYC mindset of complete-avoidance-of-definitive-plans- in-case-something-better-comes-along. Ah well, I plan on throwing a going away party in the summer...I guess I'll see them there.

Family Bonding

I called my dad on his 55th birthday last week. It was a nice, funny conversation. He's not into big public displays of affection, but I know he appreciated my call.

Then he did something crazy...he invited me to a baseball game. He and my brother are coming into the city next week to see an afternoon game and he asked me if I wanted to come. So I'm going to a Yankees game for the first time in years! It will be interesting.

These are the moments...

...when I miss cable. This is the first weekend I'm living without cable and I have to say, network TV sucks on the weekend. It's forcing me to get off my couch and actually run errands.

In other news, I had a long conversation with my mom this morning and she doesn't want me to travel to Atlanta. There isn't going to be a burial or a viewing or even a wake. There will a small, short Catholic Mass, and that's it. There is already some drama regarding the times of my proposed flight and she is afraid it will be on top of some other family drama brewing. She just wants to get in and get out without incident. My mom thinks that she will probably create her own memorial service for my aunt when she gets back, and I'll attend that.

My family is so strange...but I'm sure everyone believes that about their family.

There Are No Humans Left

My aunt died last night. She died of cancer of the lymph nodes. We knew it was going to happen because she had decided to stop treatment. She first got diagnosed with Hodgkin's about five years ago. She beat it...with the help of a stem cell transplant!...but it came back. She did a couple of rounds of chemo, but she made it clear that if those rounds didn't make a significant dent, she wasn't going to fight it.

They didn't make a dent.

We just didn't expect it to happen so fast. It was only about three months ago when she told us the cancer was back and only six weeks from when she made the decision to stop fighting. Of course, my aunt is was famous for being extremely private about information that you would think her family would want to know, so we will never know how far the cancer progressed before she decided to tell her sister and brother. No one except her husband knew she had cancer the first time until it was in remission for a year.

I wasn't close to my aunt. I had issues with some of the choices she made regarding our family. My mom says the reason is we were like oil and water was because we were so alike. I don't doubt it. Regardless, she was my mom's only sister, and with her death my uncle is the only one left of those my mom grew up with. My mom is only in her early 50s. My aunt was only in her mid-60s.

So my mom and I are in the process of trying to get down to Atlanta to attend the memorial service. I do the usual web search for cheap flights....yeah, not so cheap. Then I look into bereavement fares. I call US Airways, wait for 20 minutes to speak to a real person, just to be told that they no longer "do" bereavement fares. I was in shock! They make no accommodations for people who have to travel to bury their family. Feel free to write them angry emails. I then go to Delta's website and they say they have "no need" for bereavement fares because they have some special deal where last minute flights are already very cheap. The thing is...they're not. Not at all.

Luckily, my financial life is strong enough that I can pay for a flight without using my credit card, but the fact that these airlines don't even make a nominal gesture for those grieving is outrageous. I could barely stand to hear them cry poor to begin with...now I really have no patience for that crap.

Human beings may be overpopulating the Earth, but humanity is dying fast.

On another note, I realized this morning that three members of my mom's family have died of cancer. That side of the family isn't that big. And yet, when I see all the commercials and stories about cancer, I never take them personally. Perhaps because I don't think they are talking to me. I'm realizing perhaps I have the impression that cancer...at least the cancer they talk about in movies-of-the-week...is a white disease. The black community doesn't die of cancer in the media. It dies of...gunshot wounds, drug overdoses. Or it lives to a ripe old age to give words of wisdom to "lost souls," usually white lost souls.

But cancer is a big part of my family history. Hmmm...I gotta think about this some more.

The Visit

Sorry this post took so long...I was so tired this week! Last weekend was lots of fun, informative, interesting...and tiring! I can't believe all the things we did in just two days.

To bring everyone up to date: TM's parents, Roscoe and Mickey...not their real names, came into town last weekend. I was pretty much a nervous wreck the week leading up to their visit and I didn't get much sleep the night before they arrived. But I cleaned well enough so that I felt no anxiety having them stay in my house.

Roscoe is a quiet, yet intense, man. He is very singular of purpose and slightly impatient. This has served him well as an entrepreneur, but it makes it difficult sometimes to interact with him on a personal level. When he wants to tell you something, that is what he will do...regardless of whether or not you already know the information or care to know. He also has very expressive, child-like eyes, so watching his face is really entertaining. He did a wonderful job of making me feel part of the conversation, however, even when the three of them were talking about people and places I had never seen.

Mickey is a sweet woman who has a inner strength it would behoove you not to discount. She reminds me of my S'mom in that she often said things that totally surprised you for their forthrightness and power. I totally dug that. She is also caring without being overbearing. On Sunday night, when I was so tired I was on the verge of tears and could not keep up with the group, she very subtly slowed down her pace so that she was walking beside me. That was nice.

Okay, so this is all that we did in two days:

• saw the Broadway show, Company.
• ate at Lombardi's Pizzeria...so good!
  
• walked through Little Italy, Chinatown and SoHo
• went to Rockefeller Center
• saw St. Patrick's Cathedral
• saw another church on Fifth Ave.
• walked through Central Park
• went to the Met
• shopped at DSW
• ate in Park Slope
• saw a show at Barbes

Now can you understand why I was so tired last Sunday...and all this week?

All in all, it was a good time and I'm glad I met them. I have received the "seal of approval" from them both, which feels good...though since my family doesn't work that way at all, the import of it is a bit lost on me. When I meet the whole clan in July, I will probably feel it then.

Another positive result of the visit is that I feel a lot closer to TM. I can't really explain it, but TM said that he felt it as well. He said that he felt it when he met one of my sets of parents last month, too. It's an intense feeling, but very cool.

Okay, now I begin another weekend: this Sunday, I'm hosting the bridal shower and have to do all the cooking. I need a vacation from my weekends!

Buddhism and Me

So I've got a new reader to this blog. Someone I care very deeply about and who also happens to be a Nichiren Buddhist. Of course she may not be the only Nichiren Buddhist who reads this blog, but she's the only one of whom I'm aware and about whom I care, so I feel an explanation is in order.

I have bashed Nichiren Buddhism a few times. However, I've never really explained why. Basically, it stems from my own bad feelings about the practice and what I've learned about Buddhism from scholars, monks and practitioners of other sects never vibed with what I learned growing up. I have come to believe the reason this Buddhist sect is one of the largest ones in the Western world is because it has wrapped up Judeo-Christian ideologies in a Buddhist package so that Westerners can easily and quickly embrace it. But in doing so, some of the main tenets of Buddhism have been lost.

After I left Nichiren Buddhism, I knew that I wasn't going to become a Baptist or anything, and I knew that I need some way to organize the world and my place in it, so I did a lot of reading about other sects and other practices. All of them described Buddhism as the opposite as what I had been taught.

• Nichiren Buddhism has no relationship with priests or monks or scholars of the tradition. In fact, there was a very bitter split with the priests of that sect when I was young. The entire organization is a lay one. The "leader" of the religion is called a president.
  

• Nichiren Buddhism tells you to embrace your ego and its desires, not push them aside. That goes against at least two of the Four Noble Truths that all Buddhisms are based on.
  

• I didn't learn about the Four Noble Truths, the Eightfold Path...any of that...through Nichiren Buddhism. I first heard about them in an Intro to Buddhism class my senior year of college. I grew up studying the writings of Nichiren Daishonin and what our President had to say about them. There was very little study of the Lotus Sutra, which is the sutra the sect was based on. Though I appreciated the emphasis on source material, I never got a sense of how we connected to the ancient tradition of Buddhism as a whole. It seemed like it was trying to stay modern.
  

• I truly think the 80s were traumatizing for me. I dreaded the months of February and August. They were the proselytization campaigns for the organization. They were similar to the on-air fund drives for public radio, but way more intense. 24-hour tozos (chanting marathons); huge competitions over which neighborhood could convert the most people; ceremonies on the hour where people could receive their Gohonzons. No one ever talked about how many of those people were still chanting after a year, after six months even. We were made to believe that our own happiness and worthiness as "good" Buddhists was based on how many people we converted. I was 10 years old and pressured to bring my friend to meetings. I still believe the best and only way to show someone a new way to look at the world is to let them come to you. Religion is too personal a discussion to have on a street corner.
  

• As I grew older I observed that those with whom I practiced seemed to look at the religion with a Judeo-Christian mindset: If I chant (pray) long (hard) enough, good things will happen. And conversely: Because bad things happened to me, I didn't chant (pray) enough. This just seemed so strange to me because from all that I had read and learned, that was not the way Buddhists were meant to look at the world at all. Nichiren Buddhism did espouse cause and effect and the mirroring of the internal in the external...but it just seemed off.

So I finally left. Even through all the heartache I've been through, I never seriously considered going back. When I did contemplate it, it was always around magical thinking: If I chant now, I will feel better, the train will come, I will get the job. Buddhism teaches that life continues whether the train comes or not. The only way to truly be happy is to be free from attachment to those outcomes.

I'm not saying I'm a "real" Buddhist now...I'm nowhere near it. I'm crazy attached to things, to people. There are times when my ego is controlling everything I do. However, this path feels so much better than the one I grew up with. I know I will have come far in my own practice when I can let go of the anger I feel toward Nichiren Buddhism.

How do I reconcile this venom toward the religion with the love I feel for its practitioners? I don't know...I just do. The religion didn't work for me, but the people I love feel that it works for them. So I accept that. I will not accept them trying to bring me back, however...which they do sometimes. Religion is such a personal thing after all.

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Thanksgiving

I woke up on this Thanksgiving morning with a true realization...I'm at peace with my family. A few years ago, when I started a long stretch of therapy, the first thing we tackled was a realistic view of my parents, how they raised me, how they interact with me now. It was ugly...many of the memories I have were warped to protect them or myself. Some of my most painful memories my mother doesn't remember, and there are others my dad remembers that I don't. I went through a lot of anger and disappointment and sadness regarding them.

But at some point, I came to peace with them...with all of it. Some of it had to do with some acknowledgement on their part of mistakes that were made. Some of it had to do with knowledge on my part on the futility of dwelling on the past. Most of it had to do with acceptance on both our parts that we are all adults now.

The result is that now I can enjoy spending time with my family. I fully accept them and the fact that they are not going to change. I acknowledge that I am in no position to judge. I also respect my boundaries and know when the visit needs to end.

It's so strange, so great to be truly thankful for all of it, all of them...warts and all.

Happy Turkey Day!

I Vacationed on the Middle Finger

I got back from my mini-vacation last night. Ella and I spent a quick 48 hours at a lake house on Seneca Lake...the middle finger of the Finger Lakes...with my family. Boy, did I need it! There have been things weighing heavy on my heart and I needed to get away from them to get some perspective. It was very easy to get that perspective on the deck of a house that overlooks a beautiful lake surrounded by trees.

I was there with my dad, brother, s'mom and the people I jokingly call "my white family," whom I adore. They include my s'mom's dad, my s'mom's brother, his wife and their three children. Since my dad and s'mom have been together so long, our families know each other really well. I love introducing people to one of my blond cousins with no explanation. Good times...

One reason I love my s'mom so much is that she is so supportive without being condescending. She isn't someone who will tell me everything I do is fine, but she listens wholeheartedly and that relaxes me. When we talk, I feel like she's totally there for me and I'm all there for her. I've learned more about my dad in the last few years through her than in my entire life through him. So the first thing I did when I arrived was grab her and talked some stuff out. It was a short conversation, but it was all I needed.

Another reason why I love this part of my family is that it is perfectly acceptable to do absolutely nothing. I didn't do a damn thing; there were moments where the living room was filled with people and we were all quiet. It was good practice for me.

The trip was awesome. Ella saw a lake for the first time and went swimming...she didn't like it. She saw a donkey, a miniature horse and two real horses for the first time as well. She didn't walk on concrete for three days. Good times...

It was also the first trip where the drive was actually part of the vacation. In order to save gas, I didn't speed through the way I usually do. And in turn, I saw beautiful vistas. I went through an area in Pennsylvania called the "Endless Mountain Region." The air was so sweet and clean up there, I didn't need the A/C at all. Ella loved the feel of the air on her face. With the beauty of cruise control, I could put my feet up and just drive. There were stretches of Route 81 where there was not another car in sight. Good times!

I didn't take any pictures...though Ella was hilarious as she tried to fit all four paws on one rock to avoid getting into the water. I wanted to be in the present and not think about the future. I think I succeeded...we'll see how long the perspective lasts.

"Happy Birthday to Me!"

Yesterday was my mother's birthday. She sounded more mellow than I think she's ever been in her life. In years past, her birthday is all about what presents she's getting and how that translates to love of her. When I can't get her a nice big gift...like this year...I always feel guilty.

For some reason this year, she didn't seem to care. One of her daughters made her breakfast and another one brought home pizza for dinner. She got a phone call from me and a email that expressed my appreciation for her this past year. I think that's about it. And she sounded perfectly content.

I have been pondering what made this year different...and I think I figured it out. Instead of expecting the perfect presents from other people, my mom gave them to herself. For instance,

• She didn't do anything on her birthday except rent a movie. She didn't run errands, didn't shuttle people around, didn't "catch up" on stuff around the house. She just relaxed all day.
• She made phone calls. She called all the friends that she hadn't spoken to in a long time, instead of waiting for them to call her. The joy comes from the conversation, so who cares who picks up the phone first. One of her friends said, "Happy Birthday! Thanks for calling!"
  
• She exercised. Today she did a 10K walk for charity with some people she works with. It's her second long walk and she really enjoyed taking care of her body and taking exercising seriously. She had done research on proper walking technique and was sharing her knowledge. I talked to her immediately after and she sounded great.

My mom continues to inspire me...even on her birthday. Happy Birthday Mom!

Flummoxed

My sister is 21 years old. My sister bought a brand-new car yesterday. My sister is wrapped up with a man who is a playa...at the very least. My sister bought it herself with no help from anyone. My sister is in love with said playa. My sister's credit score is so great that she didn't have to put down a dime. My sister is going to be a senior in college. My sister has never had a full-time job that lasted longer than a summer.

I am totally blown away by the paradox that is my sister.