And I Didn't Cry

I saw him tonight. It was only for a moment, on a doorstep. It felt good; he is still the one I want to tell everything to. I know he won't be ever again, but for a time, it felt really nice.

A Change of Pace

Though I need to keep posting about TM in order to process and deal, I'm sick of doing so at the present moment, so I'll share other news.

My mom is in Mexico right now!!! She's spending three weeks living with a family outside of Mexico City doing some community organizing work and taking intensive Spanish classes. And this is for course credit. Yes, my mom is in school as well.

This is the first time my mom has been out of the country in many, many years. All three of her daughters have been to some combination of Europe, South America, Africa, Central America, and the Caribbean...some of us have been to all five. She has only been to Jamaica, Bermuda, and Canada. My mom is the personification of making sure the next generation accomplishes more than the one before.

I am so impressed with her strength to keep learning and growing.

A Death in the Family

On my drive home from my S'mom's graduation tonight, I thought back on a recent encounter I had with TM. Did I mention that he moved down the street from our old apartment? We spoke very briefly, but that's not new. These days, we only have the briefest, most superficial conversations. Even when I called him to tell him that I finished my first year and to thank him for the part he played in supporting me...I made it clear that I wasn't referring to the recent past, which he made more difficult...he response was so official. So professional, like he was talking to a client or something, not someone whom he once loved.

Thinking about this in the car, I realized that I want to interact with TM, but I don't at the same time. I see the man I love and I want to talk to him, tell him about the end of my semester, hear about his music...ironically, I am/was one of his biggest supporters. But when I try, another person responds. A person who doesn't love me at all, who doesn't want to know me. It's like TM died the night we broke up. There is another man walking around that looks and sounds like him, but the TM I knew is gone. And he's probably never coming back.

I know, I know...this isn't news. But it hit me like a ton of bricks.

Congrats S'mom!

I just got back from a graduation, but it wasn't for one of my younger siblings or cousins. It was for my stepmom, who finished her Bachelor's after starting it decades earlier. In the interim, she's lived in New York City, worked with some fantastic artists, earned her Master's degree...arts school, what are you going to do?...got married, raised a child, maintained a lovely home, and has supported me as I have cried, laughed, ranted, complained, marveled, worried, and celebrated life.

I couldn't ask for a better second mom. I love her and I am so proud of her!

"Relax, Relate, Release"

Us children of the 80s and early 90s will recognize the title of this post. I had totally forgotten it and what it meant until this morning. I'm wishing I had remembered it earlier while I was freaking the f*uck out, but what are you going to do? With a new day comes new developments, new insights, and my Aunt Pee to help explain away the confusion.

Thanks for all those that put up with my digital primal scream yesterday. I think I really needed it. As soon as I posted it, I decided that TM's decisions were NOT going to tear apart my family anymore than they had already. If it meant that I couch surfed all summer, I would do it until I found a place that fit both my and Ella's needs.

Today, life is much better. I found an apartment that I can live in and that will take Ella. Not only have I found one, but it is convenient to campus, even closer to the cool area that TM and I lived near, and it's only with one other roommate. The rent is more expensive, but I'll more than make it up in the lower utility bills. There's a backyard! Did I mention the landlord has no problems with Ella? I can't move in until August, but I'll be house sitting for a friend of mine for the summer rent-free. Life is looking up.

You know how you don't realize how much burden you're carrying until it's gone? That's what I feel now. My fingers are tingly because my blood is flowing again. Of course, life is nowhere near perfect. I'm still sad, angry, lonely, and missing TM immensely. I just got an email that someone who was diagnosed with active tuberculosis was in a class I took this semester...I didn't sit near him, so I think I'm safe. But at least I have a place to live!

And you know what? I just completed one of the worst years of my life to get one year closer to getting my doctorate at Harvard! Hell yeah!!

NOW I'm Angry

This post is going to be a bit incoherent because I can barely express all that I'm feeling right now. But I need to release in some way and I can't scream because I'm in the library.

I am livid at this moment, absolutely enraged. The thing is I don't know if I'm mad at TM or at myself. Perhaps both.

I'm mad at myself for letting this man into my heart when I knew he wasn't ready to get down the way I was. All his talk about knowing what he wanted in his life...he's not even 30! How could he know that!

I'm mad at myself for letting this man into my living space without thinking through the consequences. Now it's the middle of May and I've been turned down from yet another apartment situation because I have Ella. Let's not even go into how much more limited my options are because I can't afford to live alone and the possibilities dwindle so much once you check the "dogs ok" box on Craigslist. When TM and I moved to this area, I didn't even consider the possibility that I would have to find a roommate situation that would take dogs. And now, even as I try to find that living situation, one that is close enough to campus so that I can walk Ella, affordable enough so that I won't go broke, and sane enough so that I won't have to sleep with a knife under my pillow...I'm still getting rejected for having a dog.

After almost three years, after spending lots of money in legal fees, and after promising Ella that I would take care of her for the rest of her life, I may have to give her up. And as sad as I am about that possibility, I am even more angry. TM could put my life in disarray; I'll recover. But his actions may cause me to have to give up my dog and I can't believe it. What's worse, I let him do this to me, to us.

I gotta go to work.

The Finish Line

• I am working on my last final of my first year of my doctorate studies at Harvard University.
• I have also been dumped by the man I wanted to marry, and I have no idea where I'm going to live next month.

Which one should I focus on? But, which one am I focusing on?

An Update on a "Cult Leader"

I don't know if you remember this, but right before I met TM I spent a lame weekend with a dude in Buffalo, NY. It was a crappy weekend, but I got to go to Canada and I saw Niagara Falls. Anyway, we spent one night with this "spiritual guru" that the loser guy was all into, and when I got home, I wrote about my reactions to him, which weren't positive. I went through a range of emotions that night, but ultimately decided that he wasn't for me. It wasn't what he was saying that was so scary, it was what his followers were saying that freaked me out.

I got a couple of comments from Bijan followers telling me that "I didn't understand." Whatevs.

But a couple of weeks ago, I started getting a lot of comments to that post; some of them pointed me to the story I'm about to tell you, others were rants defending him. It was weird because I wrote the post a year and a half ago. I am in the middle of finals so I haven't had time to look into it, but I'm wrapping up my 15-page statistics final, so to celebrate I went on a treasure hunt.

The source is here. This isn't the first time I've been quoted, but my blog is not big like tuckergurl's, so it's still a bit of a shock when I'm cited on a page I've never visited.

The reason: apparently that "guru" Bijan Anjomi was arrested last week on three counts of sexual assault to two women during what was supposed to be "personal coaching sessions" with the women. He's 64; the women were 27 and 37. Ick.

The fact that the narcissistic loser from Buffalo was drawn to this snake oil salesmen does not surprise me at all. In fact, I have come across more than my fair share of egotistical men who point to some "great thinker" to justify their selfishness. I'm sick of it.

I hope they throw the book at Bijan.

I Think I Saved Someone's Life Tonight

The first year doctoral students had just finished presenting our final research projects to a packed house in one of the school's largest classrooms. We were being treated to a reception in the Commons with appetizers and free booze!

A Master's student I knew, not part of our group, had apparently been passed out in the corner of the Commons for almost an hour. No one could see her face and no one thought twice about it. After all, it's Finals Week. Everyone is sleeping and not sleeping at odd times.

As the reception was winding down, I saw her standing by the food table talking on the phone. I waved at her and said hi. She waved back as I passed her. I looked back...she was still waving and staring at the space I occupied seconds ago. I joked with her: "You can stop waving now," I said with a smile. But she kept waving and kept staring into space.

So I walked around the table and stood right next to her. I called her name. She had stopped waving, but she wasn't looking at me and her body was as stiff as a board. The phone was still by her ear, but no one was on it. I pulled up a chair and she sunk into it like an anchor.

Then I remembered...seeing her in meetings for a conference we both helped organize. During those meetings, she would pull out a device shaped like an old school Blackberry, prick her finger with some sort of attachment, and stick the stick into the device. Then she would adjust a white rectangular pod on her lower back and press some buttons on the device. I don't know how I knew, but I knew she was managing her diabetes.

I had never seen the negative effects of diabetes...except for that scene in Steel Magnolias, but I was pretty sure she was feeling them at that moment. As I tried to stop her from falling out of the chair, I called out for help. Friends bought her orange juice and a candy bar. The phone that I had pulled out of her hands buzzed and I answered. It was her boyfriend; she had been trying to call him. I told him where we were and asked if what we were doing was okay. Other friends called 911. All the while, I held the cup of orange juice so she could drink as much of it as possible. Her body was stiff, she was speaking incoherently, and all the while I knew that her eyes shouldn't close. I didn't know why, but I just knew she had to keep awake.

A firetruck and ambulance arrived. Friends of mine stood outside directing traffic down a narrow one-way street and kept an eye on her boyfriend's car...which was parked illegally. Eventually, she could tell people her name and she knew mine. I left because she started to become aware of the number of people gawking. You could tell the crowd was making her feel uncomfortable and resistant to medical attention. Besides, her boyfriend was by her side at that point trying to make her finish her orange juice.

On my way out, I was shaking. I knew she had avoided something horrible, but I still couldn't wrap my brain around it. I was the only person left at the reception who knew her; almost everyone had already left or were on their way out the door. I'm sure the bartenders packing up would have noticed her odd behavior, but I was the only one in that room who knew she had diabetes. What if no one had put it together in time?

I got an email from her tonight thanking me for my help and telling me that I "literally saved [her] life." Apparently, if left on her own for much longer she would have gone into a diabetic coma. Based on my quick internet research, healthy blood sugar levels average around 100, with variance of about 20 points on either side occurring throughout the day. Her blood sugar level was 40.

Taking care of my friend was scary as hell, but so easy. I didn't hesitate to ask for help, to give information to the right people, to be there for her. And I'm so happy she's okay...at least well enough to send emails.

It was so easy to do that for someone else, but for the life of me, I can't seem to do that for myself. These days, I'm feeling like it's a matter of life or death for me as well.

Ay, There's the Rub

I'm being sad today. I showed TM a moment of weakness last night...don't worry, it was only over text message telling him I missed him. He responded by ignoring me...surprise, surprise. I guess I can't ever show TM my vulnerability again.

The thing is...everyone is telling me that I am so great and that I now have made room for the person strong enough to truly support me to come into my life. But I have proven that I am horrible at locating that person. True, TM was worlds better than Ex, but they were the same in that they were incapable of truly being there for me. What if I just don't know what that looks like, that I'm so blind to the right man that I'm doomed to never meet him?

As good as I am at lots of things, I'm clearly bad a picking partners. This scares me .

The Messiness of 70s Movies

On the whole, I don't like American movies made in the late 60s and 70s, the ones created by the new wave of filmmakers that portrayed the grittiness of life. I've seen the classics: Taxi Driver, Midnight Cowboy, etc., and I watched them more because they were classics than because I dug them.

But I just saw The Great White Hope. It's a movie based on a play (often the best movies). It's a riveting story loosely based on Jack Johnson. The first black heavyweight contender (played by James Earl Jones) at the beginning of the 20th century and a white woman (played by Jane Alexander) fall in love. America responds by basically running them out of town and destroying their lives.

Surprise, surprise. That's not what's brilliant about this movie. What is so great is how it portrays the blatant racism of American society. It was(is) ugly, and the movie showed it totally bare bones. There was this one great scene that personified my theory of how the powerful stay powerful in this society. Jack is down and out in Mexico; he's a fugitive, no one will box him, he and Eleanor are living in the slums. A federal marshal shows up with the jefe of the Mexican village. The marshal barely says a word in the scene, but his presence pits the Mexican sheriff and the black man against each other. The brown men are ready to kill each other to protect their interests threatened by the white man barely saying a word.

This movie so couldn't be made today. White people are saying lines like a great white hope needs to win a fight with a horizontal n****r at his feet...it seems like only black people can say the n-word in movies today. Jack beats Eleanor with a shirt to avoid punching her. At the end of Jack's last fight, his bloody mouth guard falls out. It was a deep flick. Make sure you see it.

Conspiracy Theorist

Call me crazy, but am I the only one that thinks that Rev. Wright is being paid...by someone?

The Effect of Divorce on the Kids

Something I've had to rework is my schedule. One way TM supported me this past year was to walk Ella during the days I was stuck at school for 12 hours or more. Despite TM's arguments to the contrary, they formed a bond. Today was the first day Ella had to spend most of the day alone, without seeing either me or TM for very long. What did she do? She went through one of my bags and literally tried to eat my homework. It was a homework that had already been graded, but still...

Ella misses TM. Probably not as much as I miss him, but Ella lived with him for a year as well. She is acting up because she has become accustomed to his presence and now he's not here.

I know how she feels. It's been two days since I've had any interaction with him and it feels like two weeks.

Zombie

I survived the weekend, but I am pretty much in a state of rawness and numbness. The feelings I'm feeling are so intense that I can barely feel them. For example, I just spent several hours watching episodes of "South of Nowhere" on the n...I mean several hours. Hours I had scheduled to do work. Now it's midnight and the thought of going to bed in an empty house again scares me to death.

I miss him so much that just thinking about it makes me short of breath.

But someone just told me that I'm brave and fearless, in that I continue on despite the fear. So I'm just going to take her word for it, try to finish this short paper, and go to bed.

This is going to be a rough weekend

TM moves out this weekend. He has a lot of his stuff packed already. He's going to use the car to save money on moving costs. He also doesn't have a lot of furniture to move, so it should be straight forward.

I've been pretty much a zombie today. I got on campus and broke down in the arms of my friend. I am feeling the break-up all over again...which I knew I would. As I told my friend, TM and I were supposed to travel through our lives together. Wherever he went, I was going to go; and vice versa. That's how I interpreted him moving to Boston with me. It sucks so much that he didn't see it that way...that he's moving out and I'm not going with him.

On the advice of another friend, I'm keeping myself busy this weekend. I'm going to work all day and night today. Tomorrow night, I'm going to a party. Sunday, I plan on working out and going to the library. It probably won't help, but at least I'll get work done.

Did I mention how much this sucks?

Colson's New Career

Colson Whitehead remains a writer, a damn fine one...though I could not finish Apex Hides the Hurt to save my life. But I think he's taking on a new writing medium and it makes me happy. He's written two articles for the New York Times that I know of. The first one was about being a writer in Brooklyn and it was simultaneously insightful, angry, and hilarious.

But this one...this one is awesome. It puts up a huge mirror to the hypocritical race talk around this presidential race. It's also one of the most eloquent "f*ck you's" I have ever read. Please everyone read it, then use the Times website to send it to everyone else. That way it will become the most emailed article and then more people will read it.

Then talk about it: with me through comments, with your own blog, with friends, family, and co-workers. It's important. I recently found out that a person who I thought "got it" in terms of race in this country doesn't really get it at all. It was a very upsetting realization. People so need to get it, and not just in some theoretical, intellectual framework. In a real way that affects their lives. That's what Obama is doing: he is making race real for a bunch of people who would prefer it to stay an theoretical construct.

Colson is helping.

Read in the Elevator of Harvard's Health Center

"April is the cruelest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring."

-T. S. Eliot, "The Waste Land"

On Top of Everything Else...

I think I'm developing carpal tunnel syndrome in my left wrist because of the shocks I'm feeling when I ride my new bike. Great.

A Trigger

My cognitive therapist has been teaching me tools to better understand why I think and act the way I do. I absolutely LOVE it. Anyway, he made me aware of triggers: stimuli that cause an extreme emotional reaction in me, so extreme that I become flooded with emotions I can't explain or even describe. It's very hard to identify the trigger because: 1. while you're being flooded, it's hard to even remember your name, and 2. when you're not triggered, you don't want to go back to that place lest you become triggered again. It's a meticulous, careful, and caring process to break the pattern apart.

So I think I've made the first step. I realize the thought of TM leaving me for another person is a trigger. This morning, TM was wearing his cologne. He hasn't worn it in a long time. My mind immediately starts to race, filled with images of how he's trying to impress another woman. Then I start thinking...He's been waiting to be free of me so he can pursue this other woman.

Now, I'm not saying that I'm not justified in my anger. I asked him point-blank on the day we broke up if there was another woman in the mix and he said "no." So if I find out that he was willing to work on things until he saw another option and then just decided to bail...well I don't
think I could ever face him again if he betrayed me like that.

But it's not okay that my mind immediately jumps to the fact that he's getting it on with some woman from work in the broom closet; that he spends all his time with her complaining about what an awful girlfriend I was; that he feels so much freer now that I'm gone. Because those thoughts just send me into a tailspin.

So I took the first step. I have another therapist appointment next week...I'll let you know what the second step is.

A Caveat

Pre-script: This is more for me than anyone else.

I need to state for the record that TM is not a bad person. He is not the man I thought he was, but he isn't the man he thought he was either. I'd imagine that's harder for him to deal with than it is for me.

TM decided that he wanted other things more than he wanted me. Of course, I wish he realized this a year ago before we moved in together, before we made plans together, before we talked about how we would raise our children, before I began to see my future with him. And of course, I wish I saw his struggles with commitment for what they were and not romanticized them into some sort of symbolic journey to make his way to me. I wish he listened to me as much as he listened to his aunt. I wish he talked to me as much as he talked to his best friend. I wish he would have given couples' counseling a chance. I wish....

I digress. TM...for now...is not Ex. He is not leaving me for another woman who he had sex with while we were together. He is not saying this is all my fault. He has treated me badly during this process, but he trying not to...see earlier post...and I haven't always taken the high road. I know that trying not to disrespect me isn't enough, but it's something.

I am very angry and hurt and sad now; that is what it is. But I have to remind myself that I did love something about this person, and that wasn't a mistake. My love is never a mistake, even if other people treat it as such.

Things Are Falling Into Place, Housing-Wise

1. TM was incredibly cruel to me Saturday. Hurt me so badly, I felt like I was kicked in the stomach. Ended up retching over the toilet. He sort of apologized...in a text message...and we are civil, but I have seen the dark side. If a man who said he loved me just a few short weeks ago could do what he did to me and then barely acknowledge it, then he really isn't ready for a relationship with someone like me. Though I don't understand it...and D tells me that I should stop trying...I have accepted the fact that TM is actually this un-empathetic.
   
   
2. The above action spurred me into action. I started packing a bag for Ella and me, but then decided that he should leave early. I don't know how I'm going to cover the part of his rent that I'll have to, but it's worth it to have him out of the house while I mourn and finish up my semester in my own apartment.
   
   
3. The couple that lives below us just called and said they want to move into our place! So we don't have to find a new tenant...they do.
   
   
4. The perfect apartment is available June 1...my moving day, I just have to wait until the landlords come back from vacation and win them over in an interview.
   
   
5. I've got another interview for an apartment on Wednesday, and people are responding to my emails.

Is it crazy that I still miss him so much and wish we were still together?

Remind Me...

..to NEVER, EVER, EVER live with another man unless we are engaged first. Not talking about marriage, not considering it, not if he says, "I see moving in together as a step toward marriage." We must be engaged FIRST. Even then, I still might wait until we're married.

Wanna know why? Because good men become *ssholes during a break-up. You would think that if the break-up didn't involving treating the other person like shyte, it would be easy to keep doing the same while you try and go your separate ways. Boy, am I wrong. Men become liars and they become mean. They tell you one thing and tell others something else entirely. They say they are "fond" of you, but still do things that are totally disrespectful of you and what you both shared.

The thing is: I wouldn't know any of this if we didn't live together. If I wasn't in the middle of finals, and if my stuff wasn't all over this house, and if we didn't have tons of stuff that we bought together, if I had the time to just pack up and go. I would just deal with my heartache in my own place and not know what he's doing in his.

So the next time I fall in love, remind me that I am NOT to move in with him. Even if he says "we should be living together." Even if he's willing to relocate to live with me. If he's thinking about marrying me, then he will marry me. Thinking about marriage is no longer good enough for me.

Fending off the Fears

This week was all right...until yesterday. Partly this was because I hadn't been getting enough sleep due to work. So I thought I would just crash early last night and then feel better. However, I slept for eight hours and woke up with a headache. I then just wrote an email to the couples counselor we met with one time telling her we need to cancel our appointments in May, and the floodgates started up again.

THIS SUCKS SO BADLY!!! I can't believe I have to be grammatically correct even when things are sucking so badly!

What if my whole "taking it one day at a time" modus operandi is just me faking it? What if I'm deluding myself that I'll be okay when depression is creeping up on me? Is saying "I can't get depressed" enough to not get depressed? Am I playing mind games with myself and losing?

I hate that on top of all that I have to deal with right now, I also have to deal with monitoring my mental health.

On another note, I have a wish: I wish someone close to TM, like a family member or his best friend, said to him:

"TM, you are making a mistake. I know it's hard, but the point of life is finding a balance between making a connection with someone else and staying true to yourself. L. Britt is a wonderful, funny, supportive, and caring woman. You are lucky she loves you. Don't let her go."

I've said it to him, but I'm a little biased. Most of his crew is supporting his decision however, because that's what your crew is supposed to do. I just wish someone wouldn't.

A Grown-Up Epiphany

I have not been exercising lately. I figured that I didn't have the time/energy, what with finishing up all my work for the semester, downsizing my stuff (my new apartment will either be tiny or be a shared space), and looking for a new apartment. Besides, I deserve to lay like a slug...I just got dumped!

But I had an epiphany this morning. The kind of epiphany that only comes from being a grown-up: If I were to stop exercising, I would only be hurting myself. Because if I'm going to be blue, I might as well look good while I do so.

Besides, a side goal of all this is to make TM regret that he ended things; looking good will only enhance that regret. This part of my epiphany is not very grown-up.

Perfect Timing

Remember when I said that I was going to start my very first emergency fund with my substantial tax refund? It seems it came at the perfect time. I just checked the status of my refund and it's being deposited into my account this Friday. I realized that I am financially free to move out of the apartment. I can cover moving costs, a security deposit, and first month's rent of any apartment situation that I figure out I can afford.

Can I tell you how wonderful this feeling is? This is the feeling of freedom. I had all these self-indulgent plans for part of that money: either a flat-screen TV, a solo vacation, or a spring shopping spree. But acquiring more stuff (read: shyte) would not make me feel as good as this does. As soon as TM and I figure out what to do with our apartment, I can move when I find another living situation. There will be no asking my parents for money they don't have, no using my credit cards, no feeling trapped until I "save enough." I won't even have to wait for the stimulus package money or until our security deposit comes back to us.

I know I am very lucky because I didn't really save this money, though my life decisions did create it (i.e., buying property and renting it out and returning to school). Whatever. It's my money and in this situation, money is freedom.

Knocking on Wood

I'm surprising myself these days...I'm actually functioning in the wake of this major break-up. Don't get me wrong, I cry everyday. Right now, it's at about three episodes a day. But I have not cried in public...by avoiding talking about it to people I don't trust. I am getting my work done, if a little distractedly. I did a major presentation today and I think it went pretty well. I've met with my stats partner, done readings for class, and shown up for work.

I must say, my cognitive therapy is really helping me deal with this. Whenever I get upset about what's been lost, I just remind myself that we broke up because we wanted different things. Of course, if he ends up engaged six months from now I'll lose my shyte! But for now, I'm going to believe that he thinks "I'm very excellent," but just doesn't want to commit. And everyone is right, I have been through too much not to be with someone who will trip over himself to propose.

Living with TM is pretty hard, mainly because it's not hard at all. Does that make sense? We get along so well, that it's hard to not engage with him on the same level I used to. I miss him so much and he's right there. These days, it's my skin that misses him the most...not sexually, though. I miss his kisses hello and goodbye, his coming up behind me while I'm cooking, our cuddling on the couch. Just his touch.

We are sleeping in separate rooms and we're going to talk about moving out this weekend. I thought I could handle living with him for the next 4 months, but I realized...mainly through my friend D kicking me in the ass with reminders of the last time...that it's not good for me to be in the same space. I was rationalizing my fear of making the break-up real by moving out by saying we were "stuck" with the lease.

So overall, I'm proud of myself. I'm a mess, but I'm functioning. Of course, I reserve the right to write another post filled with self-pity and loathing about the state of my loneliness.

The Last Sighting of a Single Jay-Z!

I've been so wrapped up in my personal drama that I didn't get a chance to tell you that I went to this concert Thursday night. I can't believe that Jay-Z got married the next day!

My mom took me because she loves MJB and had never seen her live. She wanted to attend the concert with someone who would enjoy it as much as she would and let her get her groove with abandon. We got great seats; we could see everything clear as day.

I saw Mary when I was in college...tuckergurl, do you remember this? She did a show with some one-hit wonder groups and Biggie Smalls. I remember a young and crazy Puff Daddy just ran back and forth behind Biggie wearing that bright yellow Versace shirt. Anyway, Mary was younger then and her voice wasn't as refined as it is now, but she tore it up Thursday night with the same intensity as she did more than 12 years ago.

I don't know Jay-Z's music as well as I know Mary's, but the practically sold out, predominately white audience sure did. There was a huge screen behind the stage that served as the "set" of the show, displaying the skyline of NYC, close-ups of the band and the performers, and other graphics. It was basically a giant music video for the live music going on. Sometimes the camera would turn on the audience and pan over them. These young, busty girls and wanna-be-down boys were rapping all the words to his songs, and not just the chorus, either! My mom was shocked at how many white people knew their music. I told her, "This is the definition of cross-over."

Regardless, we had a great time. Both Mary and Jay-Z's songs sounded better live than they do on CD...or MP3...and they had great stage presence. Jay-Z would get the entire arena...almost 20,000 seats!...to pump his diamond sign with their hands. Mary didn't even have to sing "I'm Going Down," the whole place belted out all the words. I must say, I joined in wholeheartedly.

By the end of the night, I was exhausted. It was great to release and let music take you over. That hasn't happened for a while and it felt damn good.

Ripping Off the Band-Aid

I'm announcing it to the world to make it real: my prediction came to pass...TM and I are no longer together. We fought the good fight, but ultimately TM decided that he couldn't be with me and pursue his dreams simultaneously; the stress of it was too much. I tried to convince him that our rough patch was temporary and that I could be there as he fulfilled his dreams, but ultimately he didn't buy it. Ultimately, I got tired of trying to convince him.

I'm hurt, sad, angry, and scared.

I'm scared that I am in my mid-30s and "back on the market;" that doesn't bode well. I'm sad that the best relationship I've ever been a part of is over. I'm mad that TM didn't even let us go to the two couple counseling sessions we had scheduled, especially after the first one was so good. I'm scared that I am physically incapable of having a relationship last more than 18 months. I'm hurt by the idea that I convinced him to pursue his passion and I get kicked to the curb because of it. I'm angry that he did this when I have a 20-minute presentation due in two days and we have 5 months left on the lease. I'm hurt that TM doesn't seem to be hurting.

I could go on and on.

The one thing I'm not scared of is becoming depressed again. My rationale goes: if I survived the worst relationship...and break-up...I've ever had, I can certainly survive this.

Besides, if I decide to quit Harvard, I want it to be on my terms, so it behooves me to do well.

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Died 40 Years Ago Today

I listened to a story on "All Things Considered" today that detailed the final days of his life. It made me very sad. How different this world is because of him. How different this world could have been had he lived.

This is an excerpt from his last speech, given the night before he died. You can't tell me he didn't know his time was coming to an end.

It Doesn't Look Good

The reasons why are way too complex to explain here...and I have a 20-minute presentation to research for...but I have a feeling that this summer is going to see a lot of changes. There are some battles you just can't win. That, or you just get too tired to keep trying.

In terms of my issues with Harvard, they haven't gone away, but I have discovered that speaking them out loud makes them easier to bear. I'm not hiding anymore that I'm not doing well. Funny enough, that is making me feel better.

I'll keep you posted on both fronts.

Did I ever mention...

...that I knit now? I took a class called "Knitting for Mindfulness" or something back in February and learned how to knit. I love it very much. I know how to do the knit and perl stitch, and how to follow a pattern, and how cast on and cast off, and how to do all sorts of funky cool stuff. Of course, I haven't done any of it yet, but I know how to do it.

Right now, I'm just perfecting the two stitches on the yarn the teacher gave us. I bought new yarn because I want to make a dog sweater for Ella, but I'm not breaking it out just yet. I need to find the right pattern.

Windfall!

I just finished my taxes and I must say...being a student while paying a mortgage is the best way to get a phat refund. I'm looking forward to my bank statement in a couple of weeks.

I am very fortunate that this year I don't have major bad debt hanging over my head. My credit cards are under control, my utility bills are paid, I'm not getting angry letters from the bank who owns my mortgage. So this year, I've decided that most of the refund is going to my first ever emergency fund. I've never had one...though I've tried...and I think having a nice chunk of change will help start my e-fund off right.

I've also decided that I'm using part of my refund for TM and I to have some fun...maybe an overnight trip to a bed and breakfast somewhere...or at least a nice dinner and a movie. We need to have more fun, that's for sure.

Wheuheu!

17
This is wonderfully morbid! But good information to have...we all know from horror movies that it's the kids that do the worst damage when everyone turns into zombies.

NY Theatre is SO Racist!

I can't believe this article. God forbid older white female theatregoers go to any play that doesn't affirm their status on the pedestal of American society! It seems that any play that does not cater to these women has no business being on Broadway. And apparently it would mean Armageddon if a play that had an all-black cast drew a racially diverse audience. How can theatre still be so culturally backwards...especially theatre in New York?! It's infuriating!

Quitter?

I'm thinking of leaving Harvard at the end of the academic year. I'm thinking Harvard just might be too hard.

I'm not talking about the work; I mean, the work is very difficult, but I don't mind that. But to do the work well, the rest of one's life gets so much harder. And since Harvard is not the goal for me, but simply part of the journey, I'm wondering if I just don't want to take another path.

All my relationships have suffered since I've been here: with TM, with friends, with family, with art. I'm going through feelings of self-doubt and insecurity that I just don't think are necessary at this point in my life. Of course one would think that if I am aware enough to say these things, then maybe I could just start to feel more confident, more self-assured.

Ah, there's the rub...the "Big H" that people use to refer to Harvard isn't just the reputation the name gives you in the real world. It's also the feeling that seeps in your soul while you're within its walls. The feeling that "they" have it all figured out, so if something is askew it has to be you. It's the way Harvard values precision, efficiency, and a certain type of critical thinking while simultaneously devaluing creativity, exploration, and questioning for its own sake.

It's very difficult to be both strong and vulnerable here. I know that sounds like an oxymoron, but I believe that is part of being human...or that it should be. I know that is when I'm at my best: when I'm confidently scared. These days, I'm nowhere near my best, even as I get "A"s on my papers.

I guess I won't really know what I'll do until it's time for registration for next fall. I'm going to visit friends in NYC for part of my Spring Break...that should definitely help.

I'll keep you posted.

'Nuff Said

Summer is crazy eloquent...no wonder she's in a Master's program in English! Just read this. She has it spot on. As a black woman in a doctorate program in education, where race is brought up as an intellectual exercise every day, I could speak to this for days. I just wish I could get up from under my feelings of inadequacy enough to figure who's pushing them down on me.

More "Good" News

A friend of mine...who's also my crush here at Harvard...just came to visit me while I'm working in the library with news that him and his really cool girlfriend just got engaged.

He's the third person in my cohort to get engaged this school year.

I'm happy for all of them...but I still want to cry.

Can You Figure This Out?

I got this interactive brain buster from planetdan. He's really funny and gets to travel a lot. Remind me to get his job when I'm finished with school.

Anywhoo, click here to play the game. The first page is all in Japanese, so make sure you open the link in a different window/page and read the directions for the game below. To start the game, click on the blue circle in the lower right hand corner.

The goal is to get everyone from one side of the river over to the other side. Click on any person to get him/her onto the boat or off the boat. Then click on red knob on either side to make the raft cross the river.

1. You can take no more than two people on the raft at one time.
2. The father isn't allowed to be left alone with any of his daughters without the mother present.
3. The mother isn't allowed to be left alone with any of her sons without the father present.
4. Prisoner can't be left alone with any member of the family. He can either be left by himself or with the cop.
5. Only the policeman and the parents can operate the boat.

If you get it, please let me know. If I ever figure it out, I will post the answer in the comments.

Have fun!