Don't get me wrong, my family and I are definitely living our lives. I'm overeating and overdrinking as I celebrate the holidays with friends. I'm writing up my research in my office every day. My mom is prepping the house for Christmas, my stepdad is working too much, and my other sister is wrapping up another semester of teaching.
But it is still there: my sister has MS.
Whenever I pause and contemplate it, I cry. On the spot. I talked to the other sister about it, and she says the same thing happens to her.
I had a therapy session of sorts with my doctor. She assured me I don't have MS and what I'm doing is mourning...mourning the death of the future I envisioned for my sister. Not to say that she won't conquer the world (you will totally know her name), but it won't be a completely healthy future. She might have a flare up and temporarily go blind, or lose feeling in her limbs.
You know how with some diseases there is a possibility of a worst case scenario, but it's always a slight one? With MS, temporary blindness isn't even the worst case scenario; neither is loss of mobility. They are just par for the course. In fact, my sister's specialist said that the eye problems that led to her diagnosis will probably come back. It's possible that it might be worse. It is also possible that her flare-ups will be few and far between; and one might never know if one spends any time with my sister.
But that's the sucky part...all of it is possible.
Except for her not having MS...