Wednesday, December 29, 2010

How I Am

I'm having a great holiday season. Tons of parties, tons of food, tons of drinking...luckily all in potluck form so I'm not spending any money. Laughter, stories, bonding. For instance, I had one of the best days of my life with my friend: A day of skiing, two bottles of wine, Indian food, and talking into the night by the fire.

And my sister had another MRI yesterday. This time it was to take a picture of her spine to establish a you understand what that means? That means they expect her spine to deteriorate and they need a "before" picture so they can see how bad the "afters" get. That idea twists my heart.

So though I'm having a good time, I talk about my sister's disease a lot. People know about it. They ask me about it. Even the one friend who still checks in on this blog (Thanks, darlin'), she checks in on me.

But there is one person in particular that I haven't heard from at all. She was the first person I called, sobbing uncontrollably. And all I've gotten is a Merry Christmas voicemail last week...which I returned and she hasn't.

This is something I've always wondered...does my strength and joviality imply I don't need support? I would think old friends, who have seen me at my weakest, would know I am not always that way. I would also think that even if they thought I was doing okay, they would check in to find out anyway.

Lessons #1-25 babillion: one can't control the actions of others; one can only control oneself. So I want to figure out how I can get the support from people that's right for me. I could just ask, but having a "conversation" about how I'm not getting what I need makes the issue about my friend should be about me. There have been so many conversations we've had for hours where we've just talked about her job/life/boy situations. Don't get me wrong, I love those talks, and it's not like it's the only type of conversations we have.

She does call me when she wants to talk, so in a way she is asking for help. But I don't know if I need to talk about my sister's MS per say. I guess I just need to know that my friends are thinking of me and care about how I'm doing.

But that's not very much to need. Maybe I shouldn't be that upset over the absence of a phone call or two. Or maybe I do need to talk it out and I just don't know it. Perhaps a well-placed phone call would release a floodgates of emotions that would stop the achy, twisted feeling in my heart. I mean, I'm reusing this old ass blog no one reads anymore, so I must have something to say.

I don't know...perhaps this whole idea exhausts me. Sometimes I get tired being proactive, of being the person to say what everyone is thinking but no one is willing to say. That's probably not going to stop, though, so what changes should I make?

I just want someone to read my mind every once in a while....I just read that sentence and it cracked me up!

No comments: