Monday, May 08, 2006

The Power of Television

"The West Wing" is a better show than even they know. Last night's episode was all about CJ Craig and what job she was going to take after she leaves the White House. But it was really about what she was going to do with her life after she leaves the White House. It was about her taking the courageous step of falling in love with Timothy Busfield's character, Danny. It was really good.

The last scene of the show was so powerful for me that I cried. And kept crying for the rest of the night. CJ spoke of her "window being shut." The window of opportunity of learning how to be in a relationship, of how to share her life. She said that window was shut, that it was too late for her. Now she's just a woman who is good at her job, "good at working." Danny, being an unreal but perfect TV character, wouldn't let her settle for that. He told her, "you are allowed to be scared, but not scared enough to run away from this. I'm not that scary." How great is that!

After the episode was over, I went on with my night. I watched "Desperate Housewives" out of the corner of my eye while I gave Ella a haircut. That show is so bad now! I cleaned up and watched "Grey's Anatomy." I don't think that show can get any better! Then I walked Ella and started crying again. I wasn't sure why, but this morning I figured it out.

It's not that I'm lonely. I mean I am, but I'm sort of used to it. It's that I feel like my window is getting so small that there's no room for any opportunity to come through. I'm not old by any stretch of the imagination, but I'm not young either. All my life I knew that I would fall in love, get married and have a family. It was a given.
For the first time, I'm grappling with the notion that it's not a given...that I actually may not find a person to share my life with. I know it's sounds melodramatic, but that doesn't mean that I don't feel it. I'm losing hope...and I feel like a part of me is dying.

CJ named something that I had been keeping inside for a long time. Damn that really good show!