Saturday, January 03, 2009

It's a New Year?

I know it's 2009 and all, but for the life of me I don't feel renewed, rejuvenated, re-anything. The only dates I'm thinking about are all the due dates for my assignments and of course, January 14th. That's the day I leave for my first solo vacation. 
I went back and look at my postings on this blog from last January. I'm pleasantly surprised to report that I have made good on my goal to not get complacent. I have lost weight, I have spent this year doing more non-school stuff, especially attending theatre. I have not made as much progress as I would have liked on my own research, but I am getting there. Of course, a bunch of unexpected things have happened, but what are you going to do?

I had a wonderful conversation with Tuckergurl, and she helped me see my resolution to not fall in love in a new way. I still believe that I am not meant to grow old with a partner, but on my path to come to peace with that realization, this will be the year that I Stop Looking for Love. I mean really stop. Not do that thing where I say I'm not looking, but I keep glancing over my shoulder, or keep listening for the phone to ring. I am going to actively avoid love. Men will be nothing but friends and if I start to feel something more, then I'll stop being friends. 

I know it seems silly, but I no longer trust my own instincts or judgment. If I fall for someone, I no longer believe that experience will benefit my life. And I fear for my own sanity if I continue to try and fail. I know this is real because I usually don't live my life scared by my depression. But I don't think that I could survive any more rejection...and I know I could survive living alone.

I'll be 35 this year, so here's to the first year of the rest of my life. 

P.S. I will also try to spend this year NOT talking about this all the time!

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