Sunday, April 06, 2008

Ripping Off the Band-Aid

I'm announcing it to the world to make it real: my prediction came to pass...TM and I are no longer together. We fought the good fight, but ultimately TM decided that he couldn't be with me and pursue his dreams simultaneously; the stress of it was too much. I tried to convince him that our rough patch was temporary and that I could be there as he fulfilled his dreams, but ultimately he didn't buy it. Ultimately, I got tired of trying to convince him.

I'm hurt, sad, angry, and scared.

I'm scared that I am in my mid-30s and "back on the market;" that doesn't bode well. I'm sad that the best relationship I've ever been a part of is over. I'm mad that TM didn't even let us go to the two couple counseling sessions we had scheduled, especially after the first one was so good. I'm scared that I am physically incapable of having a relationship last more than 18 months. I'm hurt by the idea that I convinced him to pursue his passion and I get kicked to the curb because of it. I'm angry that he did this when I have a 20-minute presentation due in two days and we have 5 months left on the lease. I'm hurt that TM doesn't seem to be hurting.

I could go on and on.

The one thing I'm not scared of is becoming depressed again. My rationale goes: if I survived the worst relationship...and break-up...I've ever had, I can certainly survive this.

Besides, if I decide to quit Harvard, I want it to be on my terms, so it behooves me to do well.


m. said...

Don't you dare quit Harvard! I'm rooting for you.

It's good that TM is going or gone -- you need to concentrate on your studies!

I have a long story to tell about my old boss in a London pub who gave me great advice about love, just after I broke up with my third first love. But I can't do it justice here.

Basically, it's best to find your partner in life, AFTER you have figured out who you are. You're still going through changes (you're at Harvard for Chrissakes!) and you're a student. Who knows what/who you'll be after you go through this? You need the freedom to fully embrace and progress to that point, without the influence of/commitment to another person who is not going along that same path; who might be an obstacle for your progression.

Dang! I wish we could sit and chat while sharing a bottle of wine. There's a lot more to be said on this topic!

Anonymous said...

vaslav said:
Cherie - great post from person before me. I'm not saying don'tyou d are quite Harvard - even though I think that going one more year and getting your masters would give you many mor job opportunities - you don't need the PhD, or you can always pursue it at another time. I thinkwhat is sad, though, is that is sounded like you did know what you wanted, it was TM who was at that where am I going stage. Wish he had realized it earlier - dolt, if I may say so.
Important thing is - hang in there, you have many people who love and care about you and know what a fantastic person you are, and what you are capable of, both personally and professionally. Of course you will be sad and that's OK. If it goes beyond that, please get someone to talk with - family and friends often have their own agendas, as you know.
Love you and hi to Ella xxx