Monday, April 21, 2008

A Caveat

Pre-script: This is more for me than anyone else.

I need to state for the record that TM is not a bad person. He is not the man I thought he was, but he isn't the man he thought he was either. I'd imagine that's harder for him to deal with than it is for me.

TM decided that he wanted other things more than he wanted me. Of course, I wish he realized this a year ago before we moved in together, before we made plans together, before we talked about how we would raise our children, before I began to see my future with him. And of course, I wish I saw his struggles with commitment for what they were and not romanticized them into some sort of symbolic journey to make his way to me. I wish he listened to me as much as he listened to his aunt. I wish he talked to me as much as he talked to his best friend. I wish he would have given couples' counseling a chance. I wish....

I digress. TM...for now...is not Ex. He is not leaving me for another woman who he had sex with while we were together. He is not saying this is all my fault. He has treated me badly during this process, but he trying not to...see earlier post...and I haven't always taken the high road. I know that trying not to disrespect me isn't enough, but it's something.

I am very angry and hurt and sad now; that is what it is. But I have to remind myself that I did love something about this person, and that wasn't a mistake. My love is never a mistake, even if other people treat it as such.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hello again-
hope you don't mind all of my comments...but a little support can't hurt! Nice that you can still see what you originally loved in TM - you are more mature than many older women going through divorces are able to pull off. I think I personally feel more angry towards TM than "ex" because honestly I never warmed up to "ex." But angry more towards his careless way of handling things than over making a decision that is obviously his own road to follow.
Apartment hunting some promising - hope that you and Ella can still enjoy some of the warmer weather - V

tuckergurl said...

You just need to get out of that house. SOS! Like now! Like today! Stay with your Mom. Stay with anyone! I admire your trying to take the high road here but this is a painful situation and trying to take the high road and dealing with finals is just too much.

You've got the rest of your life to think about all of the lessons you have learned/how this has made you a better person/how he's not a bad person but it was bad timing/blah blah. For now, you have a right to own your anger. He did something painful to you and it doesn't matter if he meant it or not. I'm not saying it gives you a right to take it out on him. It doesn't. But you have a right to your feelings. Really, you (or he) need to leave!

I never warmed up to TM but that's neither here nor there. I tried. I really did. Deep down I was always worried that something like this was going to happen. I know age is just a number but ...

There's more to say to but it merits a call. I was just waiting for my cab to leave Toronto and had to comment.

DL said...

I'm with Tuckergurl--you have to get your own space. I know you're working on doing that, but you can't begin to sort anything out when all of the BS is right there in your face. You can't study, plan, mourn, heal, or whatever until you're out of the BS.