Thursday, April 17, 2008

Fending off the Fears

This week was all right...until yesterday. Partly this was because I hadn't been getting enough sleep due to work. So I thought I would just crash early last night and then feel better. However, I slept for eight hours and woke up with a headache. I then just wrote an email to the couples counselor we met with one time telling her we need to cancel our appointments in May, and the floodgates started up again.

THIS SUCKS SO BADLY!!! I can't believe I have to be grammatically correct even when things are sucking so badly!

What if my whole "taking it one day at a time" modus operandi is just me faking it? What if I'm deluding myself that I'll be okay when depression is creeping up on me? Is saying "I can't get depressed" enough to not get depressed? Am I playing mind games with myself and losing?

I hate that on top of all that I have to deal with right now, I also have to deal with monitoring my mental health.

On another note, I have a wish: I wish someone close to TM, like a family member or his best friend, said to him:
"TM, you are making a mistake. I know it's hard, but the point of life is finding a balance between making a connection with someone else and staying true to yourself. L. Britt is a wonderful, funny, supportive, and caring woman. You are lucky she loves you. Don't let her go."
I've said it to him, but I'm a little biased. Most of his crew is supporting his decision however, because that's what your crew is supposed to do. I just wish someone wouldn't.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

i'm sorry you had a bad day, i'm afraid it's unavoidable, unless you had a heart of stone. But I do think that the day to day thing is very smart. Maybe you can see the monitoring of your mental state as an act of love and tenderness for yourself, instead of fear.
I also have a message I'd like to give to TM, but I'm not sure it can go out over the internet. Heavily edited version might go:

TM, you are making a mistake. You are far less the evolved and caring person I thought you to be. L. Britt is as good as it gets out there, so I guess you are just not up for a real relationship. If you think that not sharing your life and dreams with someone you love will make you a better musician, that is just stupid. with that attitude, your music may improve technically, but ultimately it will be self-involved and lacking in soul.

ok, i feel better
xxx vaslav