Splurging

I went a little crazy in Target yesterday. No...not the one near my house. That one hasn't been built yet, though I do see a lot of dirt moving around. I went to the other one in Brooklyn at got a few big ticket items that I had been holding off purchasing. Then I bought some clothes.

See, I have this thing where it's important to me to have the right shopping bags. It's totally a psychological, emotional thing that comes from shame, but it makes me feel good to have bags from stores that people don't expect me to be able to shop in. In my own insecure head, that makes me feel better as a person. However, it doesn't help my bank account. So I decided to own frugality. To celebrate when I get a dress from Old Navy that looks like it's from Banana Republic. To feel just as proud as if I actually bought it from Banana Republic.

So I started with clothes shopping at Target. I have never bought clothes there, not from any snobbery per se, but because I usually blew all my money on the household things they have. This time, I stopped and looked around. I found several nice summer tops for work and a skirt. I also discovered that all my bras don't have to be from Victoria's Secret! Target has a great selection of lingerie.

By the time I was finished, I had about $120 worth of clothes to try on...this is on top of the house stuff I had in my cart. The line for the waiting room was ridiculous, so I made a very scary choice.

I bought it all. All the clothes and all the house stuff. WITH a caveat...

I made myself vow that I would return at least half of the cost of the clothes. Not half the amount of clothing, but have the amount of the clothing purchase. So...if I didn't like any of it on me, great! I could return it all no problem. But if I liked the clothes, but it was a wrong size...that didn't count as a return because I was exchanging.

So last night, I had three piles of clothes: the keep pile, the return pile and the exchange pile. Once I tried on everything...with tags still on, of course...and created the piles, I looked at price tags and moved from the exchange to the return pile enough clothes so that I was returning half of what I spent.

It was hard! I really had to prioritize what I needed vs. what I wanted. What could be added to the clothes already in my closet vs. what I would have to create an outfit for. However, by the time I was done, I spent less than $40! A third of what I took home! Today, I have a bag of clothes and a receipt and I'm going back to return some money to my bank account.

Taking Budgeting Seriously

I have been reading Single Ma's website religiously. She is a wonderful resource for me because she is a single black female, has a daughter and a dog, and is financially stable. However, she knows first hand what it feels like not to be. Her tone is never condescending and she is constantly linking to other web resources. Another great thing about her is that she is still on the journey as well. She talks about her struggles with staying in control of her money and not the other way around. I've learned so much from her. I don't feel nearly as alone in my money struggles. Yes...everyone struggles with money, but no one ever talks about it, so what good is it to say that everyone struggles!

So, to celebrate the fact that she is moving into her first home this weekend, I am taking some of her advice. I am going to take budgeting seriously by creating a realistic one that I can live with. On a payday, no less!

I had already opened an ING savings account...leave me a comment if you want a referral to open one. You could get a free $25!...but I was putting an insane amount of money in it every month. Which meant I was always tapping into it, thus negating the purpose of the account altogether. So I adjusted my bi-weekly withdrawal to an amount that I could truly not touch. I did the same with the money market account attached to my checking account.

I downgraded my cable...goodbye, Sopranos! I paid my cable bill today and realized that I can get access to the shows I love through other means: the internet, getting the book from the library, etc. Since I can't live without internet in my home, something had to give. I'm taking two courses this summer; the time I save not watching TV can go toward other things. And I cancelled my Netflix membership. I wasn't using it at all, so why pay for it? These cutbacks aren't serious in terms of the amount I'm saving. It's only about $40 a month. But as Single Ma keeps telling me, every little bit helps. It all adds up.

And even though it's payday, I'm still bringing my lunch to work.

Toni Braxton Was On To Something

Ella and I go for a nice long walk earlier tonight. The air is cool and crisp. The sky is wonderfully deep blue and clear at the same time. As the evening air first hits me, I take a deep breath. I realize it's the first one I've taken in days. Ever since I got a notice of eviction because of Ella, I've been breathing shallow-ly.

Today I spent all day in court. Most of the day was spent waiting, but it was worth it. I came into court nervous, but prepared. It didn't go at all the way I expected, however, the lawyer representing the Board was nice...though I didn't trust her as far as I could throw her. She told me that she was impressed with the documents I prepared. As soon as I started to present my side of the story to the Court Clerk, he recommended that we try to settle.

The case has been adjourned until June. The lawyer and I are supposed to try and work something out, but Ella gets to stay until we do...or until we go to trial.

So, tonight I am able to breathe again. And when I do, I cry. Because the idea that I would have to give Ella up kills me. I know that I sound a little kooky when I say this out loud, but I love Ella so much. I don't know what I would do if I had to give her up. She has made me so happy and I am grateful that she's in my life. I know fighting for her has given me confidence and helped me heal old wounds.

I know it's not over, but I'm going to keep fighting. Ironically, Ella gives me the strength to do so.

"The Sopranos" Goes There

I just saw the most recent episode of "The Sopranos." I can't believe they did this, but in this episode, the man who doesn't drive cocks Lauren Bacall in the face to get her gift basket. It was one of those moments when you laugh and are ashamed that you laugh at the same time.

My 100th Post...

...is this one right here. I didn't realize it until I logged in to talk about how painting my fingernails makes me happy. I just finished doing so and now I feel good.

Now I feel like I should take this opportunity to reflect on blogging and the power of the post. I don't really have anything deep to say. Twice, a blog has helped through difficult times. The act of giving light to my dark thoughts weakened their power. I talked about my suicidal thoughts here in a relatively anonymous setting; it made it easier to talk about them to my friends and family. Now this blog is helping me face my financial demons and explore new parts of myself. It's also helped me meet new friends and reconnect with old ones. It's good stuff.

On another note, I'm going to court on Thursday to defend my right to have Ella in my apartment. There is no clear right and wrong, but I feel confident in my case. Ironically, I only felt confident after I spent the afternoon in the apartment building where I used to live with Ex. My friend who's a lawyer served as a sounding board for me and she lives two flights above his apartment. So I had to go to her yesterday and to discuss the facts of the case and learn about the rules of court. I had an anxiety attack as I walked to the building. I took care myself, however, and the attack went away as soon as I saw my friend. I'll let you know how it goes.

The Worst Thing about Depression

...isn't the feeling of helplessness, isn't the loss of will, isn't the inability to find joy. It's the way that it pervades the rest of your life forever. It's the paranoia that you develop, even when you're not depressed. You have a bad week and don't feel like going to work? You might be having a relapse. Is an important decision looming? You honestly can't say what you'll do if it doesn't go your way. Other people have major problems and come to you for help? You worry that you won't be able to take it all in healthily. Want a drink after a tough day at the office? You keep record of every sip and every desire of that sip, just in case it's a sign of something more dangerous. Need a good long cry? You are afraid that you won't stop.

It's the paranoia that sucks most of all. It's like you are depressed, even when you're not.

Shitty Day...Almost

It's about balance, right? That's my mantra. Today was horr-eee-blay. It was so bad that there was crappy news waiting for me when I got home. It wasn't even confined to work.

And...

My friend Melissa cheered me up with an all-around, general purpose saying. I thought about typing the saying here, but it doesn't read as funny as it sounds. Trust me though, I laughed a lot.

A REALLY cute guy checked out my Friendster page. I figured I had nothing to lose so I sent him a smile the way you can do on that site...and he emailed me back!

A dude with whom I indirectly work and have been lightly flirting was making eyes at me over the conference table during our bi-monthly meeting.

I discovered tonight that I am in need of legal advice, so I emailed one of my lawyer-friends. She is someone with whom I haven't spoken in months. She emailed me right back, told me she'd be glad to help and offered to meet me this weekend.

A co-worker said today that I'm really good at my job and called me a "goddess" for dealing with a huge crisis.

There is new life in the world today...and the life of someone I know has been changed forever because of it.

...Never The Bride

Angela called me last night and she caught me up on her life and work and stuff.

Then she asked about me...I couldn't really come up with anything. My life is actually pretty boring. Work is stressful because it's the time of year when my job should be stressful. Ella is fine...I washed her and gave her a whack-ass haircut this week. I'm broke again, but at least my mortgage is paid for this month. Nothing too exciting at all is going on.

But then I remembered that I got the most wonderful request this week. My oldest friend asked me to be her Maid of Honor. I was thrilled to be asked not just because she is my oldest friend and all that, but because she didn't want any wedding party at all. Her motto for this wedding is "Easy." She's not going to get it...at least 150 people are going to be invited...but it's nice to dream. She is slowly realizing this and thought I would be the best person to help.

Of course I said yes right away. I was thrilled to be asked. Now that the fact I'm going to be dropping some serious money and making a year long commitment to create this wedding is settling in, I'm surprised that I'm still excited. I figured that being a part of a wedding would drive the "YOU'RE STILL SINGLE" spike even deeper...and maybe it will. But I'm actually just really happy for my friend and glad I get to be a part of making her day special.

I do have good person moments...who knew?

The Silence is Deafening

Does no one else think this is a big deal? The Pulitzer Prizes were awarded yesterday...to everyone but a playwright. There was no award given in the Drama category. There were nominees, but no winner. There were jurors...interesting ones at that. One of them taught a class I took at Columbia and another was a Commencement speaker at Columbia. But, no award. What is that about, I wonder?

So I went to the New York Times to find out what it was about...but there is no article on it at all. There is an article about all the journalism prizes that were awarded and a general article about all the winners. However, in the Theatre Section, no one wrote about the fact that an award wasn't given. That's just weird.

There is a short piece on Playbill.com, which always reads to me as dinner table conversation trying to be journalism. How seriously can you report about the casting of The Wedding Singer, after all? They say that those in the know predicted that they wouldn't be a winner this year because there was no "natural choice." I have no idea what that means, but I guess I'm not in the know, because I think it's a blow to American theatre. That there would ever be a year in which the jurors couldn't find one produced play which to give that award is sad. And apparently it happened before...less than ten years ago.

Way Late Homework Assignment

Single Ma assigned her readers to answer some questions that she did in her quest to go Back to the Basics. I've wanted to answer them, but as I've mentioned in a previous post, money and I don't get along. Regardless, as I enter another broke week, here are my answers:

1. What were you taught about money as a child? That it was totally unimportant...and the most important thing in the world. Totally contradictory messages, depending on what time of the month it was. When my mom was making money, it wasn't an object. When she wasn't, it was the most precious commodity. She told me not to worry about affording college, but then had me beg the Financial Aid office for more help every semester.

2. Do (did) you have credit card debt? If yes, what did you buy to accumulate the debt? Yes, I do. It's not that much, however. I don't really know why I have it. A chunk of it is from a trip to Mexico I took several years ago. I imagine a lot of it comes from clothes shopping.

3. Now that you're paying (have paid) it off, was the purchase(s) worth it? Why or why not? The trip to Mexico was totally worth it. But my body has changed since the time when I used credit cards, who knows if I still have those clothes.

4. Do you live from paycheck to paycheck? Yes, completely. Right now more than ever. I've been trying to come back from falling behind on some important bills, which means that I'm living very leanly until the summer. Most of my paycheck is spent the weekend I get it...and most of it is on bills. Something I've tried to do these days is spend some of my paycheck on savings, so that there isn't nothing in my account...just very little.

5. If no, how long could you live if you lost your job tomorrow? Oh my goodness, I can't even imagine. If I lost my job and couldn't get another one, I would have to sell my apartment.

6. What do you spend too much money on? Why? Going out. I never want to be that person who's a wet blanket...who can't meet up with friends because I can't afford it. So I spend too much money going out the first weekend and then I end up being a recluse until my next payday.

7. What would you do with the extra money if you didn't spend it on the above? I would pay off debt...college loans, credit card debt, medical bills. I would also start paying more on the principal of the mortgage.

8. Is the sacrifice of #7 worth the pleasure you receive from #6? Absolutely not. Especially now that I'm older and realize that all those dinners out won't help me improve my credit score.

Wow...I did it. My money pattern is really getting on my nerves.

Weekend Thoughts

I don't really have much to post...I've been feeling out of sorts lately. Can't really say why. I'm noticing disappointment, both by people who disappoint me and those I disappoint. In this city especially, it seems to be perfectly acceptable to make half-ass plans and then not follow through. To say you'll call and then don't. It's annoyed me for a long time, but this weekend I had a long look at myself and realized that I sometimes do the same thing. I decided to be more selective and decisive in the plans I make.

A good friend of mine may have found her soulmate. It was totally unexpected and kind of inconvenient, but it's happened nonetheless. She is an AMAZING person, so I am crazy happy for her. But I'm also angry at the fact that life isn't fair. There is nothing on my horizon at all, and my friend has to clear men out of her path to get to the one she wants. Everyone says that when you're not looking is when it happens, but I feel like I can't afford not to look, you know?

I'm feeling kinda blah...luckily it's time for bed. And I get to start over tomorrow.

A Whole Lotta Demi

It's late...I've got cable...so I flip channels. I stop real quick on About Last Night with Demi Moore and Rob Lowe. They must have been screwing in real life because there is this montage scene where part of it contains them making love and we see all parts of Demi: her pre-boob job boobies, her curvaceous bum, even a little bit of her precious cargo...oh my my. There's a scene where there is no way they aren't really getting it on.

Now I'm watching Titanic. Say what you want about that annoying ass song...it's a good movie. You know exactly how it ends and you're still on the edge of your seat watching the ship hit the iceberg.

Keeping it In

I'm not one to do this. I usually tell all my friends what I'm doing all the time. But for some reason these days, stuff is percolating in my mind and in my life...and I don't want to tell anyone about it.

I think of my friend, Angela. She is very private about important things in her life. I had no idea she even applied to film school until she told me that she got into Columbia. And I found that out when I told her I got into Columbia. Sometimes I take it personally, but then I remember it's about what she needs, not about me. I imagine that keeping it in helps maintain the event, life change, thought -- whatever it is -- as something precious. Things get diluted once passed through the filter of other people's thoughts, regrets, fears, advice.

So I'm taking a page out of her book. Here's to keeping my mouth shut!

The Worst Movie Ever

I am watching the worst movie ever! And it's a shame because Joan Cusack and Kim Cattrall are in it. It's called Ice Princess and it is horrible. Michelle Kwan makes a cameo and I even feel bad for her. This is some of the worst writing I've ever heard. Lines like, "One more thing...skate with your heart." I feel bad for the actors in this flick. And they wonder why our youth is going to shit...it's because they are making movies for them like this one!

Addendum: It's Saturday afternoon and now I'm watching A Cinderella Story with Hilary Duff. I officially feel sorry for all 'tween and teenager girls. Not that life isn't sucky enough at that age, but now they are subjected to crap movies like these two! At least this movie isn't bad enough to dull Chad Michael Murray's hot self. He's yummy!

Interesting Experiment Day

So I visited my friend last night and she was telling me about her adventures with the South Beach Diet. She is enjoying it.

I've never been on a diet. Don't get me wrong...it's not that I've never needed to diet. I've just been very bad at it. I've been better at exercising than controlling what I eat.

However, what I have discovered as I get older is that exercise alone won't fend off those McDonald's fries.

So today, I will not eat any bread product. I'm taking this one day at a time. This impacts me greatly because I eat a lot of bread. Already I was in a conundrum because I usually get a bagel for breakfast, and I don't eat eggs. Instead, I ate some berries and a banana.

This is going to be a long day.

Faith in Humanity Has Been Restored

My faith in humanity was really tested this weekend, but then the story below happened and now I feel better about the world.

The cabbie who drove me home Saturday night was handed my wallet by another passenger later that night. He went through it to try and find a phone number or address. He wasn't going to find one...my license has an outdated address on it. However, he did find my work ID and remembered that I told him what I did. He remembered where I lived because it's only a few minutes away from his home.

So he came by my building yesterday afternoon. He buzzed the super, who knew my story because I happened to mention it I was walking Ella. They buzzed my apartment over and over, but my intercom is broken and I couldn't identify who they were, so I didn't let them in. The cabbie left his number, however. Last night, I called him and made plans to meet him this morning near his house...which is a five minute bus ride from my house.

This morning, I call his house when I get off the bus to give him a heads up. His mother answers and says that he already left for school! I was shocked! We had made plans to meet up and he was gone. I wasn't at the exact meeting point, so his mother recommended that I go there and see if he was waiting.

With pessimism in my step, I do...and he was.

The reason he had left his house early? The guy he shares the cab with found my cell phone and called him. The cabbie knew it was mine because I kept asking him if he had found a phone. So he left even earlier to go pick up my phone in order to return my wallet and my cell phone at the same time. I tried to get his address to send him a reward but he wouldn't have it.

So, I have all my stuff back and have reactivated my phone. Remember this when a cabbie is talking your ear off. It doesn't expend any energy to engage him/her for a few minutes and you never know how that conversation will help you. I feel really good today, and it's not just because I got my stuff back. The world has opened up in a weird, but cool way.

Have a great week.

Karma is a Bitch

What is it about ignorance that makes us what to fight it, no matter what?

K Lance drew me into a very heated and ugly discussion about affirmative action on another blog. It has lasted for days. Every time I went to the blogger's site, I told myself it would be last time...and everytime I wrote another comment. But now Miss Fire has gotten personal in her attacks, criticizing me for having and expecting respect. So now I am really done. Because I don't know this bitch and she is making me feel bad. So I am done. Karma is a bitch and I'm sure it will come back to haunt her.

Karma is a bitch in a good way, too. The cabbie that took me home last night stopped by my building today. He wanted to return my wallet. I missed him because my intercom is broken. Luckily, I had told the super about my predicament earlier that day, so he took the message for me.

I believe the one of the reasons the cabbie came back was because I engaged him in a conversation about the stop lights on Nostrand Ave. We commiserated about the traffic, I found out that he goes to Kingsborough Community College and lives in Brooklyn as well. The few minutes of conversation made me stick out in his mind and he went through the trouble of returning my property. My phone is gone, but at least I don't have to worry about replacing all the stuff in my wallet.

Yeah, karma!

Not a Good Night

First, the movie I've been dying to see is sold out. My friend and I settle for another, but I drop a very large amount of soda on the floor because the old school theatre has cup holders that don't hold the cups. Luckily, I really love the second choice film.

Then, I forget to call my little sister on her twelfth birthday. I remember at 11pm and when I do call her, I find out that she got sick that day...threw up and everything. I promise to call her tomorrow. Luckily, she's more mature than me in many ways and doesn't get hung up on things like when you call. Just as long as you call at some point.

Then, I go to a party that I've been looking forward to all week. I want to shake my groove thang they way that I usually do at this guy's parties. But for some reason, everyone is just drinking and standing around. No one is dancing. We leave early. Luckily, two rounds of drinks are purchased by an old friend, so I spent hardly any money.

Then, somehow, I leave my wallet AND my cell phone in the cab. I still don't know how it happened because I paid the cabbie. Luckily, I took all the cash out of my wallet before I lost it and my debit card links to a checking account that has no money in it.

I feel so stupid right now that I want to cry. I can't even call my bank because my cell phone is gone and I don't have a land line. I tried to report my cell phone stolen, but Cingular's website is down because they are doing maintenance. I've done all I can in terms of contacting people online, but I'm feeling so stupid and bad I'm just going to go to sleep.

If anyone wants to reach me, they will have to email me. Luckily, I have uninterrupted Internet access.

Tired of Trying

Do you ever get tired? Of striving? Of improving? Do you wish that you could just stop where you are and be content? That you could accept your flaws the same way you accept your strengths? Do you ever wish that you could stop needing? Needing to change? Needing things you cannot have? Needing to get rid of things? Do you wish that you could just be at peace?

I'm On The Market

Everyone does this, right? Check out their blog stats to see how many people are reading? Well, I do. I see how many people have hit my blog and where they came from. I'll even link back to see what webpages I'm linked to. So I did that this morning and this site came up. I had no idea this existed and even after some reading I don't know how it works. But it looks like my site is on the market. I can't really understand it but I think I'm growing. This reminds me of Clueless when Cher wanted to adopt Ty as their next friend and project, but Dion was against the idea. She said to Cher, "She [Ty] is toe up. Our stock would plummet." That makes me laugh everytime. Ahhh, good times...

Boys and Girls...Life Lessons for Today

I've learned quite a bit today. I want to share some of it with you.

1. Brokeback Mountain is officially taking over the world. I saw this ad on the Q train along with The Fagulous Blogger...though not at the same time. I laughed out loud.

2. I have a bad boss. He is an inspirational leader, but an absolutely horrible manager. He yelled at me today because I wasn't being enough of a yes girl. Yup, completely yelled at me and walked away from me as I was talking and said a smart ass comment. I had just sat down at my desk for the day. He came and told me that he had done something that was totally against the rules of our organization. I tried to tell him that and he yelled at me. I was stunned and caught completely off guard. I waited until he had left and my door was shut before I started crying.

As I was crying, I learned that I need to accept that he is a horrible boss and stop trying to give him information to improve. He clearly does not want to accept it and I'm going to get fired if I keep trying. So I'm just going to keep my mouth shut and only share information with people who want it.

3. I learned that for the next few months, I need to buckle down financially. Go cold turkey on pricey social events and get creative with ways to hang out for free. I am dropping over $1500 a month for my mortgage and maintenance through the spring...trying to get back on track...and that is more important than partying.

4. I learned that if I don't start running again, I am not going to look amazing at my ten-year college reunion in May. And since I'm not married nor do I have kids, I need to look amazing. So I'm going to start running again. And I'm actually looking forward to it...I miss running. It only took six months, but my itch is back.

"Rehabilitating Dogs, Training People"

It's official...I heart "The Dog Whisperer." I know that I officially love this show because when it's on I have to watch it, even when I have someplace to go and I battle myself to move away from the TV. It serves as a great resource for me in learning how to interact with Ella.

The only problem is that now Cesar is starting to wax philosophical about the human condition. He actually told an African-American woman who was insecure about her pug, "BE a strong a black woman! Remember Rosa Parks!" Today, Cesar said to the Executive Vice President of the LA Lakers...who is a woman, "I'm from a Third World country...he's from Mexico...so I have seen women being pushed to the sidelines," and "I want to see a woman rule the world before I die."

He's sort of turning into a Dr. Phil with a Mexican accent. It's kind of funny.

My Whirling Mind

It's almost one am and I need to get some sleep because I'm driving home from Connecticut and my first professional conference tomorrow morning at eight am. However, my mind is reeling with stuff. Some of which I want to blog about, some of which I want to journal, some of which I want to dish about with my friends. But because I'm so tired, I can't do any of it.

I will say that I feel very grown up right now because for three days I was surrounded by colleagues and those colleagues considered me a colleague. I had serious conversations regarding the state of our field and I attended seminars, panel discussions and lectures that were all about my field. It was such a validating experience for me. I feel empowered and strong as I head back to work.

I am also feeling like I'm missing everything. Tuckergurl came back from seven weeks in Africa and she's already painting the town red and all I was able to do was cook her dinner as we watched "America's Next Top Model." Melissa is back in New York, has already gotten drunk and had her hangover, and I haven't called her once. My other friend threw a housewarming party tonight, but only invited me at 10am this morning...actually I'm a bit miffed by that...and since I'm in Connecticut, I can't attend. I'm trying to organize a group of people to see The Threepenny Opera, but I've been working too hard to get this social event together.

I am also feeling misunderstood. Due to the fact that the conference was in Connecticut, I was able to stay with the 'rents. My stepmom (or s'mom, as she likes to be called) and I spent a lot of time talking about my emotional and psychological issues when I was in crisis last fall and winter. I'm better now, but for some reason, she kept rehashing it during this visit. Perhaps she felt it was one topic that we could connect over, but regardless, I didn't want to talk about it all the time. I would much rather talk about Ella! :) And we disagreed in terms of how we see medication serving depression and PTSD. I clearly stated my opinion, listened to hers and moved on. However, a couple of times during this trip, she brought it up again. With all due respect, it's my body, and if I want to hold off putting mind-altering drugs into it until I have to, then so be it.

I am feeling more but right now I'm feeling tired, so it's time for bed.