Not All Epiphanies are Good Epiphanies

Some of them are actually kind of painful. Some of them make you realize things that you really didn't want to. They require you to face some hard truths. You then have to deal with those hard truths, figure out how to carry them or get rid of them, like an awkwardly shaped piece of luggage. Some epiphanies force you to change the way you relate to others, even when you all you want is the exact opposite.

But because they are epiphanies, there's no turning back...you can't unrealize an epiphany.

I Have a Record! My Bad Girl Image is Complete!

Anyone who knows me knows how silly this title is, but it is true...I now have a Record! Let the "oohhhing" and "ahhhing" begin! Back in May, three punk rookie cops in a cruiser gave me a summons because I was walking Ella without a leash one night. The sidewalk was empty and I was actually teaching her to follow me and my commands without a leash, which is actually responsible dog ownership, however these punk kid cops had a quota to fill or something, so they wrote me up.

I went to the courthouse this morning per the instructions on the summons. I swear, the world of petty crimes court is just a way for the City to make some money. I bet you there is a line item in the City budget. You start out by standing in a line to get assigned to a "courtroom." You go into the "courtroom" to sit and wait until they say your name and your "crime." You walk up and face the adjudicator...it's not even a real judge! He doesn't even listen to the details of your case, he just yells out a price. "50 bucks!" "25 bucks!" I'm not kidding...he used the word, "bucks." Then the "lawyer" who's standing next to you explains that you can pay the fine the adjudicator just yelled out...seemingly at random...or you can take your chances with a trial and plead not guilty. It's like a warped version of "Let's Make a Deal."

I got off with a $25 fine and a reprimand: "Keep your dog on a leash, Miss." Not to bad considering how much I may have to pay to keep Ella in my apartment. More on that once it's final.

However, since NYC doesn't expunge its records, I will always have a conviction for walking a dog without a leash. I'm pretty sure that's a gateway crime...

Testing Her Effectiveness

I am in something today...and it's bad. I haven't felt this cut off since my PTSD and my depression was in full swing last winter. It's so bad I don't want to leave the house to walk Ella. So you can imagine how grateful I am that I have to leave the house and walk Ella. It's been the only time I have left my couch all day.

On another note, I don't think TV gets any better in the quality of the writing, the acting, the casting, everything than it does on "House."

You Know that Scene...

...the scene in Clueless when Cher couldn't find her Fred Segal shirt so she went to her driving test in another shirt but was all distracted so she failed and then she came back home and Ty was playing hackey sack with Josh and then Ty said that she wanted Josh and when Cher poo-pooed the idea Ty called her something nasty and then when Ty left Cher started to feel claustrophobic and like she was going to throw up so she went on a long walk?

That's what I feel like today...like I need to get out.

I May Be in the Wrong Business

My cynicism is palpable these days, especially as it relates to the state of American theatre. I still believe in its power that comes from its immediacy and its intimacy. But the elitism that comes from its restrictive prices and its lack of diversity turns my stomach.

So you know that it's bad when you're reading the Times and it's this performance that excites you. I actually want to find a kid and go see it!

My Sole Birthday Present

My birthday is next month. I am going to be 32 in about 32 days...tee hee! Even though technically I'm closer in age to 30 than to 35, I feel more connected to 35. But I am very glad that I am only 32 because it's like I have three extra years.

The only thing I want for my birthday is this book. Well, that's not true...I want a big fat check to pay off all my debt. But really the only thing I want that someone could theoretically give me is this book. There are very few things that I miss from downgrading my cable. The National Geographic Channel is one of them because now I can't watch "The Dog Whisperer." I'm afraid Ella is suffering for it...although I don't really think she is. So I want to get this book to keep me on my dog training toes.

It's so strange that I all I want is a book. Last year at this time, I wanted/needed all this stuff for my new apartment. But with the purchase of my armchair this spring, my home is complete.

Crazy!

TMI Time!

I've been really gassy these days. I get bloated so easily...if I haven't eaten in a bit, I go from hungry to bloated in no time flat. I don't go from hungry to starving to weak to bloated. I just jump right to the bloated. Then all I can do is get my body as straight as I can to let the air work its way through. It's very uncomfortable, but I've become the queen of acting like someone else did it. Tee hee!

Words to Live By

Pandora turned me on to this artist. Her name is Kina. Imagine if Alanis Morissette and Jill Scott had a kid...then that kid looked up to her big cousin, Dionne Farris. That kid would be Kina. I can groove to every single song on this album. And she's got something for everyone: the "I'm over you" song; the "happy to be in a relationship" song; the "female empowerment" song; the "save the earth" song.

The song that I'm totally digging right now is "Me." I totally believe that if I can truly live the lyrics of this song in every part of my being, I will have attained enlightenment.

"I'm just me, I'm enough.
With myself, I'm in love.
I've been weak, I've been low,
Made me strong, now I know.
I'm just me, I'm enough.
Nothing less, nothing more.
I wish everybody could just
Feel this kind of love."

Part of a Network

I am working on my financial life, though I haven't referenced it lately. I was living life pretty leanly during a time when I was trying to get rid of some pesky bills. I'm back on track, but I celebrated my new found "freedom" by going a little crazy with shopping sprees and dinners at places with outdoor seating. That set me back...financially and emotionally. What I learned though was that there is a clear pattern with my spending and that pattern is directly tied to my feelings of power and control...or lack thereof.

Now I'm working on transferring those feelings. Instead of feeling in control spending $200 at the Gap, I'm feeling powerful when my monthly bills come in and the past due balance says $0. I'm not there yet, but I do have a goal...and a mantra. I tell myself, "Use my money for good, not evil."

Something else I've learned is that I need to make more money. In order to make real progress, I'm going to have to find another source of income...or another position. I know I am being underpaid at my position. For the first year, it was fine because I was brand new to it and I was still making more than I did in my last job. But now I'm going into my third year; I've learned loads, I do loads, and my salary has not moved at the same pace. So I'm contemplating my options at the moment. Again, I feel powerful when I do things to take control of how much money I make.

Finally, I took a very scary step...I became part of a network. Single Ma turned me on to it...of course! It's a great way to challenge oneself to work toward a pesky financial goal. Every week, you can see your progress in pie chart form and track the progress of everyone else. It was started by this dude who has a pretty intense opinion on credit. Regardless, he manages a very supportive site. It's interesting to see the huge range of goals. Mine is to create $5,000 in emergency fund savings in one year...something I have NEVER had in my life. At my current level of savings, I would only save $1,000. So I need to step up my weekly savings and think about diverting all those little extra funds into my e-fund.

Having a plan makes me smile.

I Am a Grown-Ass Woman...Stop Telling Me How to Be

WARNING: This post is a wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am angry rant.

For the second time in as many days, a man has told me to "calm down" in response to me asking for clarification or to finalize plans. When I have plans to see a movie after work and I need to schedule time to go home and walk Ella and I'm about to walk into a meeting where I will be incommunicado, asking for details at 2:30 in the afternoon is NOT unrealistic and does NOT require anyone to tell me to calm down. More than anything, telling me to "calm down" does the exact opposite! It pisses me off to no end!

I have been to years of therapy to know the following is true: asking for what I need does not make me a crazy person. I am a woman who needs a plan. I have worked very hard to not need a plan every minute of the day, or a month in advance for seeing a movie...THAT sometimes is unrealistic. If you can't provide me with what I need, that's one thing. Say that. Don't make me the bad girl for asking for it, however.

And why did both situations involve a man? I could make a horrible over-generalization about a man's fear of committing to anything, but I won't.

What I will do is get some new friends who aren't afraid to be clear in their communication or in making plans.

Gross! I Need Tilex!

I have mold/mildew in my 'locs. I've been denying it for a while, but as I was cooking this weekend and a few of my 'locs fell in my hair. I got a strong whiff of mildew. I freaked out and have had my hair in a ponytail ever since.

After I calmed down, I did some web research and discovered that it's a common occurrence, especially when you air dry your 'locs...which I do.

So tonight, before I wash my hair, I have to douse it in witch hazel! Believe it or not, that's the better option...others include Seabreeze and rubbing alcohol. Ewwww!

I'm Having Strange Urges

I am so not a sports person. Well, actually I am for a girly girl, but that's not hard. I have yet to see a baseball game this summer, but I actually want to. I know the rules of baseball, basketball and football and I'm proud of that fact.

What I don't understand is my urge to watch the ESPY Awards this upcoming weekend. There are going to be tons of hot TV and movie stars there...there always are. But I'm actually interested to find out which sport events were voted the Best of the Year.

Weird, right?

The Whole Blog Thing VI

When you write anything that is published in any way, the question invariably becomes...for whom is the author writing?

Him/herself or other people?

I have extensive training in getting writers to create a story and a structure that takes into account the audience. Due to this, I often fall on the side of remembering that a someone other than the writer and his/her immediate family is involved.

However, what happens when what one's writing is a blog? The entire point of a blog is to write as if no one is watching. Yet because the medium is one where other people read it and respond to it, it adds an extra level of catharsis.

There are blogs that create a serious following, even though they were created to fill a very private need. What happens to the readers in that situation? Does that audience have a right to expect anything of the blogger? What if the blogger doesn't want to write for weeks, months? Can an audience ask the writer to write more, even if he/she clearly can't, won't or doesn't want to? I've seen comments that do exactly that...is that cool? Or is the reader's only recourse to stop visiting the blogger's site? And if a blog has no readers, is it still a blog?

That's the tricky thing...a blogger needs an audience as much as the reader needs the blogger.

What do you...my readers...think?

I Want to Like You..I Really Do

I'm watching The Caveman's Valentine on AMC. I remember when this movie came out. It was marketed with an indie vibe and I wanted to see it. My mom saw it and she thought it was very deep.

I'm thrilled that I didn't pay full price for this flick. It's not good. It's not bad...but it's not good. I can tell that the book was probably very good, but the movie is not.

And I wanted to like it so much...

Body Dysmorphic Disorder and Me

I could never be anorexic or bulimic...I enjoy food too much. Nor do I believe in destroying your body. However, recently I've been able to understand the desperation that would cause someone to become anorexic or bulimic. These days I've been feeling like my mid-section is completely out of proportion with the rest of my body. It's quite surprising how much that feeling has pervaded how I view myself and everyone else. Everything I wear doesn't look right; practically every woman I see has a waist...the thing I lack; my body wiggles everywhere.

The thing is...I don't feel this way all the time. When I look at myself in my mirror at home, I realize that it's not so bad. Yeah, I could stand to tone up, but I'm not overweight by ANY stretch of the imagination. But it's hard for me to remember that when I'm walking down the street and I see skimpy tank tops and short skirts looking fabulous on women everywhere I go.

What makes me happy is this is one aspect of my life I have complete control over. I know that if I start to consistently exercise again my body will change for the better. So now it's just a matter of weighing the options. What's feels worse: the excursion of exercise or hating the way my body looks in public?

Lloyd Richards...Rest In Peace

Lloyd Richards--the acclaimed theatre director and a big part of what made August Wilson August Wilson--died last week on his 87th birthday. I found out Saturday night during the First Saturdays at the Brooklyn Museum. The news hit me like a slap in the face.

I worked with him...I can't tell you how because that's blogsphere TMI. Interacting with him was so odd. He inspired this natural deference, like he held this aura that made you get stars in your eyes. But he was such a cute little man! With a warm smile that he gave to everyone. Though you could tell his energy level wasn't what it once was, his mind was still a sharp as a tack. When he had notes about a show, you had better listen.

I feel very sad that he is dead. Wilson and Richards created some of the most dynamic, compelling theatre in this country...ever. Of course, I haven't been alive for "ever," but I'm guessing that their collaborations are pretty up there on the list of Most Dynamic, Compelling Theatre Ever. Their deaths create a vacuum on the American stage. I feel lucky to have seen some of their plays and honored to have known the man.