Conspiracy Theorist

Call me crazy, but am I the only one that thinks that Rev. Wright is being paid...by someone?

The Effect of Divorce on the Kids

Something I've had to rework is my schedule. One way TM supported me this past year was to walk Ella during the days I was stuck at school for 12 hours or more. Despite TM's arguments to the contrary, they formed a bond. Today was the first day Ella had to spend most of the day alone, without seeing either me or TM for very long. What did she do? She went through one of my bags and literally tried to eat my homework. It was a homework that had already been graded, but still...

Ella misses TM. Probably not as much as I miss him, but Ella lived with him for a year as well. She is acting up because she has become accustomed to his presence and now he's not here.

I know how she feels. It's been two days since I've had any interaction with him and it feels like two weeks.

Zombie

I survived the weekend, but I am pretty much in a state of rawness and numbness. The feelings I'm feeling are so intense that I can barely feel them. For example, I just spent several hours watching episodes of "South of Nowhere" on the n...I mean several hours. Hours I had scheduled to do work. Now it's midnight and the thought of going to bed in an empty house again scares me to death.

I miss him so much that just thinking about it makes me short of breath.

But someone just told me that I'm brave and fearless, in that I continue on despite the fear. So I'm just going to take her word for it, try to finish this short paper, and go to bed.

This is going to be a rough weekend

TM moves out this weekend. He has a lot of his stuff packed already. He's going to use the car to save money on moving costs. He also doesn't have a lot of furniture to move, so it should be straight forward.

I've been pretty much a zombie today. I got on campus and broke down in the arms of my friend. I am feeling the break-up all over again...which I knew I would. As I told my friend, TM and I were supposed to travel through our lives together. Wherever he went, I was going to go; and vice versa. That's how I interpreted him moving to Boston with me. It sucks so much that he didn't see it that way...that he's moving out and I'm not going with him.

On the advice of another friend, I'm keeping myself busy this weekend. I'm going to work all day and night today. Tomorrow night, I'm going to a party. Sunday, I plan on working out and going to the library. It probably won't help, but at least I'll get work done.

Did I mention how much this sucks?

Colson's New Career

Colson Whitehead remains a writer, a damn fine one...though I could not finish Apex Hides the Hurt to save my life. But I think he's taking on a new writing medium and it makes me happy. He's written two articles for the New York Times that I know of. The first one was about being a writer in Brooklyn and it was simultaneously insightful, angry, and hilarious.

But this one...this one is awesome. It puts up a huge mirror to the hypocritical race talk around this presidential race. It's also one of the most eloquent "f*ck you's" I have ever read. Please everyone read it, then use the Times website to send it to everyone else. That way it will become the most emailed article and then more people will read it.

Then talk about it: with me through comments, with your own blog, with friends, family, and co-workers. It's important. I recently found out that a person who I thought "got it" in terms of race in this country doesn't really get it at all. It was a very upsetting realization. People so need to get it, and not just in some theoretical, intellectual framework. In a real way that affects their lives. That's what Obama is doing: he is making race real for a bunch of people who would prefer it to stay an theoretical construct.

Colson is helping.

Read in the Elevator of Harvard's Health Center

"April is the cruelest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring."

-T. S. Eliot, "The Waste Land"

On Top of Everything Else...

I think I'm developing carpal tunnel syndrome in my left wrist because of the shocks I'm feeling when I ride my new bike. Great.

A Trigger

My cognitive therapist has been teaching me tools to better understand why I think and act the way I do. I absolutely LOVE it. Anyway, he made me aware of triggers: stimuli that cause an extreme emotional reaction in me, so extreme that I become flooded with emotions I can't explain or even describe. It's very hard to identify the trigger because: 1. while you're being flooded, it's hard to even remember your name, and 2. when you're not triggered, you don't want to go back to that place lest you become triggered again. It's a meticulous, careful, and caring process to break the pattern apart.

So I think I've made the first step. I realize the thought of TM leaving me for another person is a trigger. This morning, TM was wearing his cologne. He hasn't worn it in a long time. My mind immediately starts to race, filled with images of how he's trying to impress another woman. Then I start thinking...He's been waiting to be free of me so he can pursue this other woman.

Now, I'm not saying that I'm not justified in my anger. I asked him point-blank on the day we broke up if there was another woman in the mix and he said "no." So if I find out that he was willing to work on things until he saw another option and then just decided to bail...well I don't
think I could ever face him again if he betrayed me like that.

But it's not okay that my mind immediately jumps to the fact that he's getting it on with some woman from work in the broom closet; that he spends all his time with her complaining about what an awful girlfriend I was; that he feels so much freer now that I'm gone. Because those thoughts just send me into a tailspin.

So I took the first step. I have another therapist appointment next week...I'll let you know what the second step is.

A Caveat

Pre-script: This is more for me than anyone else.

I need to state for the record that TM is not a bad person. He is not the man I thought he was, but he isn't the man he thought he was either. I'd imagine that's harder for him to deal with than it is for me.

TM decided that he wanted other things more than he wanted me. Of course, I wish he realized this a year ago before we moved in together, before we made plans together, before we talked about how we would raise our children, before I began to see my future with him. And of course, I wish I saw his struggles with commitment for what they were and not romanticized them into some sort of symbolic journey to make his way to me. I wish he listened to me as much as he listened to his aunt. I wish he talked to me as much as he talked to his best friend. I wish he would have given couples' counseling a chance. I wish....

I digress. TM...for now...is not Ex. He is not leaving me for another woman who he had sex with while we were together. He is not saying this is all my fault. He has treated me badly during this process, but he trying not to...see earlier post...and I haven't always taken the high road. I know that trying not to disrespect me isn't enough, but it's something.

I am very angry and hurt and sad now; that is what it is. But I have to remind myself that I did love something about this person, and that wasn't a mistake. My love is never a mistake, even if other people treat it as such.

Things Are Falling Into Place, Housing-Wise

1. TM was incredibly cruel to me Saturday. Hurt me so badly, I felt like I was kicked in the stomach. Ended up retching over the toilet. He sort of apologized...in a text message...and we are civil, but I have seen the dark side. If a man who said he loved me just a few short weeks ago could do what he did to me and then barely acknowledge it, then he really isn't ready for a relationship with someone like me. Though I don't understand it...and D tells me that I should stop trying...I have accepted the fact that TM is actually this un-empathetic.
   
   
2. The above action spurred me into action. I started packing a bag for Ella and me, but then decided that he should leave early. I don't know how I'm going to cover the part of his rent that I'll have to, but it's worth it to have him out of the house while I mourn and finish up my semester in my own apartment.
   
   
3. The couple that lives below us just called and said they want to move into our place! So we don't have to find a new tenant...they do.
   
   
4. The perfect apartment is available June 1...my moving day, I just have to wait until the landlords come back from vacation and win them over in an interview.
   
   
5. I've got another interview for an apartment on Wednesday, and people are responding to my emails.

Is it crazy that I still miss him so much and wish we were still together?

Remind Me...

..to NEVER, EVER, EVER live with another man unless we are engaged first. Not talking about marriage, not considering it, not if he says, "I see moving in together as a step toward marriage." We must be engaged FIRST. Even then, I still might wait until we're married.

Wanna know why? Because good men become *ssholes during a break-up. You would think that if the break-up didn't involving treating the other person like shyte, it would be easy to keep doing the same while you try and go your separate ways. Boy, am I wrong. Men become liars and they become mean. They tell you one thing and tell others something else entirely. They say they are "fond" of you, but still do things that are totally disrespectful of you and what you both shared.

The thing is: I wouldn't know any of this if we didn't live together. If I wasn't in the middle of finals, and if my stuff wasn't all over this house, and if we didn't have tons of stuff that we bought together, if I had the time to just pack up and go. I would just deal with my heartache in my own place and not know what he's doing in his.

So the next time I fall in love, remind me that I am NOT to move in with him. Even if he says "we should be living together." Even if he's willing to relocate to live with me. If he's thinking about marrying me, then he will marry me. Thinking about marriage is no longer good enough for me.

Fending off the Fears

This week was all right...until yesterday. Partly this was because I hadn't been getting enough sleep due to work. So I thought I would just crash early last night and then feel better. However, I slept for eight hours and woke up with a headache. I then just wrote an email to the couples counselor we met with one time telling her we need to cancel our appointments in May, and the floodgates started up again.

THIS SUCKS SO BADLY!!! I can't believe I have to be grammatically correct even when things are sucking so badly!

What if my whole "taking it one day at a time" modus operandi is just me faking it? What if I'm deluding myself that I'll be okay when depression is creeping up on me? Is saying "I can't get depressed" enough to not get depressed? Am I playing mind games with myself and losing?

I hate that on top of all that I have to deal with right now, I also have to deal with monitoring my mental health.

On another note, I have a wish: I wish someone close to TM, like a family member or his best friend, said to him:

"TM, you are making a mistake. I know it's hard, but the point of life is finding a balance between making a connection with someone else and staying true to yourself. L. Britt is a wonderful, funny, supportive, and caring woman. You are lucky she loves you. Don't let her go."

I've said it to him, but I'm a little biased. Most of his crew is supporting his decision however, because that's what your crew is supposed to do. I just wish someone wouldn't.

A Grown-Up Epiphany

I have not been exercising lately. I figured that I didn't have the time/energy, what with finishing up all my work for the semester, downsizing my stuff (my new apartment will either be tiny or be a shared space), and looking for a new apartment. Besides, I deserve to lay like a slug...I just got dumped!

But I had an epiphany this morning. The kind of epiphany that only comes from being a grown-up: If I were to stop exercising, I would only be hurting myself. Because if I'm going to be blue, I might as well look good while I do so.

Besides, a side goal of all this is to make TM regret that he ended things; looking good will only enhance that regret. This part of my epiphany is not very grown-up.

Perfect Timing

Remember when I said that I was going to start my very first emergency fund with my substantial tax refund? It seems it came at the perfect time. I just checked the status of my refund and it's being deposited into my account this Friday. I realized that I am financially free to move out of the apartment. I can cover moving costs, a security deposit, and first month's rent of any apartment situation that I figure out I can afford.

Can I tell you how wonderful this feeling is? This is the feeling of freedom. I had all these self-indulgent plans for part of that money: either a flat-screen TV, a solo vacation, or a spring shopping spree. But acquiring more stuff (read: shyte) would not make me feel as good as this does. As soon as TM and I figure out what to do with our apartment, I can move when I find another living situation. There will be no asking my parents for money they don't have, no using my credit cards, no feeling trapped until I "save enough." I won't even have to wait for the stimulus package money or until our security deposit comes back to us.

I know I am very lucky because I didn't really save this money, though my life decisions did create it (i.e., buying property and renting it out and returning to school). Whatever. It's my money and in this situation, money is freedom.

Knocking on Wood

I'm surprising myself these days...I'm actually functioning in the wake of this major break-up. Don't get me wrong, I cry everyday. Right now, it's at about three episodes a day. But I have not cried in public...by avoiding talking about it to people I don't trust. I am getting my work done, if a little distractedly. I did a major presentation today and I think it went pretty well. I've met with my stats partner, done readings for class, and shown up for work.

I must say, my cognitive therapy is really helping me deal with this. Whenever I get upset about what's been lost, I just remind myself that we broke up because we wanted different things. Of course, if he ends up engaged six months from now I'll lose my shyte! But for now, I'm going to believe that he thinks "I'm very excellent," but just doesn't want to commit. And everyone is right, I have been through too much not to be with someone who will trip over himself to propose.

Living with TM is pretty hard, mainly because it's not hard at all. Does that make sense? We get along so well, that it's hard to not engage with him on the same level I used to. I miss him so much and he's right there. These days, it's my skin that misses him the most...not sexually, though. I miss his kisses hello and goodbye, his coming up behind me while I'm cooking, our cuddling on the couch. Just his touch.

We are sleeping in separate rooms and we're going to talk about moving out this weekend. I thought I could handle living with him for the next 4 months, but I realized...mainly through my friend D kicking me in the ass with reminders of the last time...that it's not good for me to be in the same space. I was rationalizing my fear of making the break-up real by moving out by saying we were "stuck" with the lease.

So overall, I'm proud of myself. I'm a mess, but I'm functioning. Of course, I reserve the right to write another post filled with self-pity and loathing about the state of my loneliness.

The Last Sighting of a Single Jay-Z!

I've been so wrapped up in my personal drama that I didn't get a chance to tell you that I went to this concert Thursday night. I can't believe that Jay-Z got married the next day!

My mom took me because she loves MJB and had never seen her live. She wanted to attend the concert with someone who would enjoy it as much as she would and let her get her groove with abandon. We got great seats; we could see everything clear as day.

I saw Mary when I was in college...tuckergurl, do you remember this? She did a show with some one-hit wonder groups and Biggie Smalls. I remember a young and crazy Puff Daddy just ran back and forth behind Biggie wearing that bright yellow Versace shirt. Anyway, Mary was younger then and her voice wasn't as refined as it is now, but she tore it up Thursday night with the same intensity as she did more than 12 years ago.

I don't know Jay-Z's music as well as I know Mary's, but the practically sold out, predominately white audience sure did. There was a huge screen behind the stage that served as the "set" of the show, displaying the skyline of NYC, close-ups of the band and the performers, and other graphics. It was basically a giant music video for the live music going on. Sometimes the camera would turn on the audience and pan over them. These young, busty girls and wanna-be-down boys were rapping all the words to his songs, and not just the chorus, either! My mom was shocked at how many white people knew their music. I told her, "This is the definition of cross-over."

Regardless, we had a great time. Both Mary and Jay-Z's songs sounded better live than they do on CD...or MP3...and they had great stage presence. Jay-Z would get the entire arena...almost 20,000 seats!...to pump his diamond sign with their hands. Mary didn't even have to sing "I'm Going Down," the whole place belted out all the words. I must say, I joined in wholeheartedly.

By the end of the night, I was exhausted. It was great to release and let music take you over. That hasn't happened for a while and it felt damn good.

Ripping Off the Band-Aid

I'm announcing it to the world to make it real: my prediction came to pass...TM and I are no longer together. We fought the good fight, but ultimately TM decided that he couldn't be with me and pursue his dreams simultaneously; the stress of it was too much. I tried to convince him that our rough patch was temporary and that I could be there as he fulfilled his dreams, but ultimately he didn't buy it. Ultimately, I got tired of trying to convince him.

I'm hurt, sad, angry, and scared.

I'm scared that I am in my mid-30s and "back on the market;" that doesn't bode well. I'm sad that the best relationship I've ever been a part of is over. I'm mad that TM didn't even let us go to the two couple counseling sessions we had scheduled, especially after the first one was so good. I'm scared that I am physically incapable of having a relationship last more than 18 months. I'm hurt by the idea that I convinced him to pursue his passion and I get kicked to the curb because of it. I'm angry that he did this when I have a 20-minute presentation due in two days and we have 5 months left on the lease. I'm hurt that TM doesn't seem to be hurting.

I could go on and on.

The one thing I'm not scared of is becoming depressed again. My rationale goes: if I survived the worst relationship...and break-up...I've ever had, I can certainly survive this.

Besides, if I decide to quit Harvard, I want it to be on my terms, so it behooves me to do well.

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Died 40 Years Ago Today

I listened to a story on "All Things Considered" today that detailed the final days of his life. It made me very sad. How different this world is because of him. How different this world could have been had he lived.

This is an excerpt from his last speech, given the night before he died. You can't tell me he didn't know his time was coming to an end.

It Doesn't Look Good

The reasons why are way too complex to explain here...and I have a 20-minute presentation to research for...but I have a feeling that this summer is going to see a lot of changes. There are some battles you just can't win. That, or you just get too tired to keep trying.

In terms of my issues with Harvard, they haven't gone away, but I have discovered that speaking them out loud makes them easier to bear. I'm not hiding anymore that I'm not doing well. Funny enough, that is making me feel better.

I'll keep you posted on both fronts.