I May Be a Drama Queen, but...

...I really don't care. I got dumped last night by a guy that I thought was cool and interesting and challenging...in a good way. We weren't really in a relationship, so I don't know if "dumped" is the right word.

Anywheu, I came to a decision: I'm done looking for lasting love. I've been dating for almost 20 years. I've had some great relationships and some shitty ones. And I have most definitely put myself out there; I really do want to get married, have kids, the whole shebang. 

But it's abundantly clear that I am not good at maintaining a real relationship. And, though I may be strong, I'm not strong enough for this. My mental health can't handle this type of rejection the way it used to. Perhaps it could never handle it, but now I'm more aware of it. 

I've gotten so much positive reinforcement from people who really love me. They tell me that I am great and deserve love, but perhaps I'm not being honest with them, maybe I'm not so great. Perhaps they are not being honest with me, maybe they are trying to spare my feelings. Because, for the life of me, I can't understand how if I am so great, then why won't anyone love me? The only logical conclusion is that I'm broken in some way. I know this sounds melodramatic, and I wish there was a way to present this without sounding as such, but it is honestly how I feel. There's something wrong with me...it's the only thing that makes sense.

I know that love doesn't happen the way it does in movies. There is no man who will fight and fight for me until he has broken down all my defenses and proven his undying love. And unfortunately, that's the only way I can imagine putting myself out there again.

As I write these words, I recognize them. I'm sure if you searched for the word "broken" and/or "love" on this blog you would find something, but I'm writing down my surrender here, in public, so that the next time I get the foolish notion that I want to find a relationship, someone can remind me that I gave up on that. 

I think I can have a full life without a partner. I'm going to have a great career, I already have wonderful friends. I'm going to travel and have adventures. I'm brave enough to do a lot of things on my own. I think I will cultivate that bravery from now on. I will dote on my friends' children and be "cool" Aunt L. Britt.

My New Life's Resolution: to stop trying to fall in love.

Family

Quick update: I'm not annoyed with the boy anymore. He has responded to all attempts at communication. We have plans to see each other tomorrow. All is well.

I am, on the other hand, very vexed by my emotions this week with regard to my mother. I've been annoyed and angry at, disappointed in, upset by her...you name it. I need to understand why I was so pissed at her this week. I had a good time regardless, but I'm coming to the conclusion that I may not be able to spend an extended amount of time with her.

I'm Annoyed with a Boy

I've been on several dates with a guy. Things are going well...slow and well. We started up right before Thanksgiving and we've seen each other on the regular ever since. 

I'm away for the Christmas week...Hilton Head, South Carolina to be exact. My family and I walked along the beach today. I wore sandals. It's freakin' awesome! 

The guy and I saw each other right before I left. It was a very nice time. He said that he looked forward to talking to me while I was away. He actually asked that I contact him while I was away. That made me happy.

So I did. I left him a message yesterday asking him to call me back...nothing. I called him tonight to wish him a Merry Christmas...again nothing.

I'm done calling. And I'm annoyed.

I'm very annoyed.

I Need to Make Some Changes

Ever since I've started school, I haven't been thinking about budgeting or finances. My excuse...not reason...is that I am a student who doesn't have a consistent source of income. So there is no way I can budget, but that isn't true at all. Though my income isn't exactly the same from week to week, there are some sources that stay pretty consistent from month to month. I was making some headway on changing my bad financial karma when I was working, and I don't want to stop.

So now that classes are winding down, I'm going to spend some quality time assessing my revenue streams, getting a handle on my expenses, and start tracking where my money goes. I've already been saving on the regular, but I need to go one step further.

Wish me luck!