Trippy!

I just spent an hour reading old posts of this blog...what a trip! It's weird to read what ideas have stayed consistent and how I've totally changed my view of others. I was reminded that Ella and I have been together three years this month and that my major depression after Ex happened in the fall of 2005. I read about my 32nd birthday and how happy I was that I still had three years before I turned 35...this year I turn 35. I read about my love for TM and my crush on Channing Tatum. 

It's weird to have a journal that is categorized and has spell check.

Patience, L. Britt...Patience

I'm sitting here in my one-bedroom apartment in San Juan, Puerto Rico. The sun has been shining all day and there is not a cloud in the sky. 

And yet...

I haven't left the house all day. I've slept for 12 hours and I'm exhausted. I ate a turkey sandwich because my stomach was cramping but I barely tasted it. 

I want to quit school, I want to quitthis  life...just move someplace else and try to find a job as an administrative assistant or maybe work in retail. But my therapist tells me I'm not supposed to make any major life decisions while I'm in this state. So I'm stuck passing in another final late.

I hate this so much!

My New Blog Layout...

...is really bright, no?

I had 7 things on my depression to-do list today. As part of my treatment, the things I'm expected to accomplish get MUCH simpler. These may be simple, but it takes all my energy to do them, believe you me.

1. Shower

2. Go to gym

3-5. Walk (not just let out) Ella at least three times.

6. Grade at least half the papers for the class I TF.

7. Eat.

I've done 1, 2, 3, 4, and 7. I'm working on 6. now.

Second Extension

I just wrote to the second of my professors asking for an extension on a final paper. I am so, so, so mad at myself about that, but as EVERYONE in my life has told me, I am very hard on myself, so I'm trying to cut myself some slack. The thing is I'm very bad at being kind to myself. I feel like I'm just copping out. I'm just going to try to be proud of the fact that I asked for help.

Here We Go Again

I think I know the moment it really started: I was walking home from dropping tuckergurl off at the subway Saturday morning. This incredible sadness swept over me. I went back to bed and woke up in the afternoon.

I then proceeded to spend the rest of the weekend on the couch. I tried to do work, to absolutely no avail. I was too tired to eat, too tired to cry, although the sadness had seeped into my bones. But Sunday night, I knew I needed help.

Today I called Harvard's mental health services and had an emergency appointment. The woman who saw me seemed completely overwhelmed by me...not the way to make one feel better, I must say...but she did remind me to start taking life in much smaller chunks. And she helped me admit I'm in the throes of another depressive episode.

So here we go again. I'm too "in it" to try and figure out what caused it, but I'm sure I'll come up with something. For the first time, I'm considering going on medication because I feel like I need some emotional consistency...more than I can get on my own.

Well, my day is done. Time to eat something...though I am not hungry at all!...and get some sleep.

It's a New Year?

I know it's 2009 and all, but for the life of me I don't feel renewed, rejuvenated, re-anything. The only dates I'm thinking about are all the due dates for my assignments and of course, January 14th. That's the day I leave for my first solo vacation. 

I went back and look at my postings on this blog from last January. I'm pleasantly surprised to report that I have made good on my goal to not get complacent. I have lost weight, I have spent this year doing more non-school stuff, especially attending theatre. I have not made as much progress as I would have liked on my own research, but I am getting there. Of course, a bunch of unexpected things have happened, but what are you going to do?

I had a wonderful conversation with Tuckergurl, and she helped me see my resolution to not fall in love in a new way. I still believe that I am not meant to grow old with a partner, but on my path to come to peace with that realization, this will be the year that I Stop Looking for Love. I mean really stop. Not do that thing where I say I'm not looking, but I keep glancing over my shoulder, or keep listening for the phone to ring. I am going to actively avoid love. Men will be nothing but friends and if I start to feel something more, then I'll stop being friends. 

I know it seems silly, but I no longer trust my own instincts or judgment. If I fall for someone, I no longer believe that experience will benefit my life. And I fear for my own sanity if I continue to try and fail. I know this is real because I usually don't live my life scared by my depression. But I don't think that I could survive any more rejection...and I know I could survive living alone.

I'll be 35 this year, so here's to the first year of the rest of my life. 

P.S. I will also try to spend this year NOT talking about this all the time!