Hypocrisy

I think I mentioned in a previous post how my boyfriend and I both have money issues...that is, we are bad with it.

So right now, my boyfriend is going through some times and has to borrow money from me. Him: a working professional with benefits and a 401(k). Me: a grad student whose W-2 said she made $23,000 in 2010.

I'm not upset that I am loaning him money. Because I love him and I want to do whatever I can to support him. But I am upset about something.

One part of me is pissed off. For several reasons:

1. He doesn't seem to want to change his ways. He's always figured out a way out of no way, so why not enjoy life? At least this is what I perceive. The truth is he feels horrible about asking me for help.
2. He wasn't honest with me about how far in the hole he was...and how bad the consequences were. I know all of that is about shame, to which I can relate.
3. His financial life now greatly influences mine. We have plans, but they can't happen if he doesn't change his relationship with finances.
4. I don't know if he understands of #3.

Then there is the other part of me that says...Who the hell are you to be pissed? Have you not done the exact same thing, perhaps more than once? Stole from Peter to pay Paul? Buried your head in the sand when the bills come? Avoided collection calls?

I want to believe what makes me different from my boyfriend is I am not content with living this way. Living paycheck to paycheck is tired. And honestly, I am too old for that shyt. So, as hard as it is, I am trying to keep track of my expenses. Trying to not eat out just because I'm too tired to cook. Not use Zipcar when a bus will go to the same place.

The thing is, I know he wants to live differently. He is actually not content with living the way he is. We want to change, we don't know how. We are definitely on the same page with that.

So, I am really torn between being mad and feeling guilty...and it upsets me that I'm torn...which then makes me feel guiltier.

But most of all, this whole situation makes me doubt...everything. This is the man I want to spend my life with, but not at the expense of my financial well-being. I may not have made a lot of progress, but I haven't gotten a collection call in years. I've not had any of my services turned off for lack of payment. I refuse to go back to that anxiety in my life.