I've got more issues. Actually, I've got the same issues and they are just coming up again...and boy are they coming up with a vengenance! I thought I was done with Ex and his evil effects, but alas...
For those two people who will read this: Ex is my ex-boyfriend who totally broke my heart over a year ago. (See my last blog to get the sorted details of that.) I really have no urge to go into that again, but I've been losing my mind for the last two months and I am just now figuring out why.
Apparently my relationship with Ex traumatized me. My therapist actually thinks I'm suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder! Part of me thinks this that diagnosis is SO over the top and melodramatic. But the other part knows that something is very wrong with me. I have to talk myself out of the house every morning; I am tired all the time, even when I sleep nine hours a night; I am getting into work later and later and having to leave earlier and earlier; I get freaked out by the idea of doing every day tasks. I get anxiety attacks on the regular.
There are only two people in my life with whom I can talk to who remotely understand what I'm going through. Everyone else just says "wow," which does not make me feel better at all. Most of the people in my life I don't trust enough to tell because I don't think they are supportive people. Which is making me really think about the people I bring into my life.
This brings me back to Ex. The predominant theory as to why I've been actually traumatized by my relationship instead of just heartbroken is because Ex is a narcissist. There is everyday narcissism and narcissism on a personality-disorder level. The problem is that, in our society, narcissism is so celebrated that the line between healthy ego and unempathatic evil is very blurry. So when someone has been the victim of a narcissist, rarely do they know it. Like me. The more I read about narcissism, the disorder, the more I learn about Ex. And the more I understand why I hurt so deeply.
So, since I don't feel comfortable opening up to friends, I will instead open up to complete strangers. Hey...it worked the last time.
2 comments:
Hey. I can relate I went through a similar thing. I used to have anxiety attacks on the regular. Let me know if you want to talk.
"There is everyday narcissism and narcissism on a personality-disorder level. The problem is that, in our society, narcissism is so celebrated that the line between healthy ego and unempathatic evil is very blurry."
Yeah, huge problem in this culture. If you were to take a psychological profile of the American populace and post it up against another developed country, but not a superpower, I bet they would look so different. I'd love to get more into the field that deals with these cultural issues; what one of my professors in college called "Critical Psychology."
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