I'm thinking of leaving Harvard at the end of the academic year. I'm thinking Harvard just might be too hard.
I'm not talking about the work; I mean, the work is very difficult, but I don't mind that. But to do the work well, the rest of one's life gets so much harder. And since Harvard is not the goal for me, but simply part of the journey, I'm wondering if I just don't want to take another path.
All my relationships have suffered since I've been here: with TM, with friends, with family, with art. I'm going through feelings of self-doubt and insecurity that I just don't think are necessary at this point in my life. Of course one would think that if I am aware enough to say these things, then maybe I could just start to feel more confident, more self-assured.
Ah, there's the rub...the "Big H" that people use to refer to Harvard isn't just the reputation the name gives you in the real world. It's also the feeling that seeps in your soul while you're within its walls. The feeling that "they" have it all figured out, so if something is askew it has to be you. It's the way Harvard values precision, efficiency, and a certain type of critical thinking while simultaneously devaluing creativity, exploration, and questioning for its own sake.
It's very difficult to be both strong and vulnerable here. I know that sounds like an oxymoron, but I believe that is part of being human...or that it should be. I know that is when I'm at my best: when I'm confidently scared. These days, I'm nowhere near my best, even as I get "A"s on my papers.
I guess I won't really know what I'll do until it's time for registration for next fall. I'm going to visit friends in NYC for part of my Spring Break...that should definitely help.
I'll keep you posted.