Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Knocking on Wood

I'm surprising myself these days...I'm actually functioning in the wake of this major break-up. Don't get me wrong, I cry everyday. Right now, it's at about three episodes a day. But I have not cried in public...by avoiding talking about it to people I don't trust. I am getting my work done, if a little distractedly. I did a major presentation today and I think it went pretty well. I've met with my stats partner, done readings for class, and shown up for work.

I must say, my cognitive therapy is really helping me deal with this. Whenever I get upset about what's been lost, I just remind myself that we broke up because we wanted different things. Of course, if he ends up engaged six months from now I'll lose my shyte! But for now, I'm going to believe that he thinks "I'm very excellent," but just doesn't want to commit. And everyone is right, I have been through too much not to be with someone who will trip over himself to propose.

Living with TM is pretty hard, mainly because it's not hard at all. Does that make sense? We get along so well, that it's hard to not engage with him on the same level I used to. I miss him so much and he's right there. These days, it's my skin that misses him the most...not sexually, though. I miss his kisses hello and goodbye, his coming up behind me while I'm cooking, our cuddling on the couch. Just his touch.

We are sleeping in separate rooms and we're going to talk about moving out this weekend. I thought I could handle living with him for the next 4 months, but I realized...mainly through my friend D kicking me in the ass with reminders of the last time...that it's not good for me to be in the same space. I was rationalizing my fear of making the break-up real by moving out by saying we were "stuck" with the lease.

So overall, I'm proud of myself. I'm a mess, but I'm functioning. Of course, I reserve the right to write another post filled with self-pity and loathing about the state of my loneliness.

4 comments:

Café Moka said...

Breakups are hard... I'm in a similar situation... I know those hard feelings... But things will get better... It have to get better.

Take care,
Marie

Angela said...

D is right by the way. Living together is a really, really bad idea. It's Boston. He (or you) can find a new place at a reasonable price.

DL said...

Like I said, I just think you'll get so much more space to be YOU, and not WE or US if you get some distance. You'll get to be sad, or upset, or happy--but most importantly you'll get to move on. If you stay, I think you'll be faced with disappointment or frustration or regret every day, and that's no way to live in the present. Plus . . . who wants to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? His loss!

weightdownmoneyup said...

wow.. this was me a few months ago.. time will heal all.. and you are entitled to have good days and bad.. it WONT be easy :)

Enjoy life. that's what I'm doing now! it gets better trust!