This post is going to be a bit incoherent because I can barely express all that I'm feeling right now. But I need to release in some way and I can't scream because I'm in the library.
I am livid at this moment, absolutely enraged. The thing is I don't know if I'm mad at TM or at myself. Perhaps both.
I'm mad at myself for letting this man into my heart when I knew he wasn't ready to get down the way I was. All his talk about knowing what he wanted in his life...he's not even 30! How could he know that!
I'm mad at myself for letting this man into my living space without thinking through the consequences. Now it's the middle of May and I've been turned down from yet another apartment situation because I have Ella. Let's not even go into how much more limited my options are because I can't afford to live alone and the possibilities dwindle so much once you check the "dogs ok" box on Craigslist. When TM and I moved to this area, I didn't even consider the possibility that I would have to find a roommate situation that would take dogs. And now, even as I try to find that living situation, one that is close enough to campus so that I can walk Ella, affordable enough so that I won't go broke, and sane enough so that I won't have to sleep with a knife under my pillow...I'm still getting rejected for having a dog.
After almost three years, after spending lots of money in legal fees, and after promising Ella that I would take care of her for the rest of her life, I may have to give her up. And as sad as I am about that possibility, I am even more angry. TM could put my life in disarray; I'll recover. But his actions may cause me to have to give up my dog and I can't believe it. What's worse, I let him do this to me, to us.
I gotta go to work.