Color Me...

I found this meme on playing the informal six degrees of separation game in the blogsphere. You know, you go to a blog you frequent, read a comment from another blogger that intrigues you, then you go to that person's blog.

So I will try to imitate the creative way Trinity2 posted this meme.

[RED]
1. Closest red thing to you? The border on my kitchen table placemats.
2. Has anyone ever cheated on you in a relationship? Oh my, yes!
3. Last thing to make you angry? A woman in an SUV that didn't stop at the stop sign while I crossed the street, but instead drove around me to merge into traffic.
4. Are you a fan of romance? Oh my, yes!
5. Have you ever been in love? Yup! I think I'm heading back there soon, as a matter of fact...
6. Do you have a temper? Yes, but it's not a violent one.

[GREEN]
1. Closest green thing to you? The plate that holds a slice of my mom's sweet potato pie.
2. Do you care about the environment? Yes! Can you imagine anyone saying "no" in this day and age?
3. Are you jealous of anyone right now? My little sister. She is pursuing a similar life-changing project; however she is spending a lot less money than I am.
4. Are you a lucky person? Not really, but as I told The Mormon last night, I do try and take advantage of opportunities.
5. Do you always want what you can't have? Not always, but I can't say never.
6. Are you Irish? Nope.

[PURPLE]
1. Last purple thing you saw? The shirt I'm wearing right now.
2. Like being treated to expensive things? Damn straight! I have no problems being a kept woman.
3. Do you like mysterious things? Only if I'm eventually let in on the secret.
4. Favourite type of chocolate? Milk.
5. Ever met any royalty? I'm sure I have. I went to an Ivy-League school. Aren't those Royals always sending their kids to some Ivy?
6. Are you creative? I try to be, even if it's only by creatively supporting true creative types.
7. Are you lonely? Not right now. But I'm trying to embrace it more when I do feel that way.

[BLUE]
1. Closest blue thing to you? The jeans I'm wearing.
2. Are you good at calming people down? I'd like to think so. Unless the subject matter is something that upsets me as well.
3. Do you like the ocean? It's gorgeous.
4. What was the last thing that made you cry? The Mormon...but in a good way.
5. Are you a logical thinker? Very much so.
6. Can you sleep easily? Oh yeah.
7. Do you prefer the beach or the woods? The beach.

[YELLOW]
1. Closest yellow thing to you? Does my tan dog count? If not, well...the neighborhood Yellow Pages.
2. The happiest time(s) of your life? The year I lived in DC was pretty awesome.
3. Favourite holiday? Christmas.
4. Are you a coward? No.
5. Do you burn or tan? Tan.
6. Do you want children? Most definitely.
7. What makes you happy? Ella, The Mormon, cooking for guests, silly sayings like "Fish Rubbings," and shooting the shit with Angela.

[PINK]
1. Closest (dark) pink thing to you? The writing on my underwear.
2. Do you like sweet things? I do, but I don't have a sweet tooth at all.
3. Like play-fighting? Depends on who with... ;)
4. Are you sensitive? Oh my, yes!
5. Do you like punk music? No! And what does punk music have to do with pink?
6. What is your favourite flower? I don't really have a favorite one...I just like getting them.
7. Does someone have a crush on you? He better!

[ORANGE]
1. Closest orange thing to you? My mom's sweet potato pie.
2. Do you like to burn things? Ummm, not in the way I think this question implies...
3. Dress up for Halloween? Nope.
4. Are you usually a warm-hearted person? Yes.
5. Do you prefer the single life or the security of a relationship? Security of a relationship.
6. What would your superpower be? I liked Trinity2's answer, so I will copy its tone: Are you implying that I don't have a superpower now!?!?!

[WHITE]
1. Closest white thing to you? The mounds of paperwork I brought home with me.
2. Would you say you're innocent? Hell no!
3. Always try to keep the peace? I do try...though I don't always succeed.
4. How do you imagine your wedding? I gave up imagining that long ago.
5. Do you like to play in the snow? I'm a New Englander...of course I do!
6. Are you afraid of going to the doctor's or dentist? Neither.

[BLACK]
1. Closest black thing to you? My nail polish.
2. Ever enjoy hurting people? Actually no. I can't risk messing with my juju.
3. Are you sophisticated or silly? I have the ability to be either or both, depending.
4. Do you have a lot of secrets? Not really. Though I am becoming more private as I get older.
5. What is your favourite colour(s)? I don't have one.
6. Does the colour you wear affect your mood? Not anymore. In college, it did all the time.

This was a lot of work to make it look right, but I enjoyed playing with all the pretty colors.

Can You Catch Lactose Intolerance?

I am really starting to think you can catch it like pink eye or the flu. I have plenty of friends who have been afflicted with this condition for years and I never became suseptible. I date someone for six weeks who suffers as well and now my digestive system is acting like I'm on a roller coaster. The only difference between my friends and The Mormon...I've decided to call him that not because he is at all a Latter Day Saint, but because he has odd connections to them...is that I make out with The Mormon. I'm really starting to think he gave me lactose cooties...which is I guess a lot better than other types of cooties.

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Thanksgiving

I woke up on this Thanksgiving morning with a true realization...I'm at peace with my family. A few years ago, when I started a long stretch of therapy, the first thing we tackled was a realistic view of my parents, how they raised me, how they interact with me now. It was ugly...many of the memories I have were warped to protect them or myself. Some of my most painful memories my mother doesn't remember, and there are others my dad remembers that I don't. I went through a lot of anger and disappointment and sadness regarding them.

But at some point, I came to peace with them...with all of it. Some of it had to do with some acknowledgement on their part of mistakes that were made. Some of it had to do with knowledge on my part on the futility of dwelling on the past. Most of it had to do with acceptance on both our parts that we are all adults now.

The result is that now I can enjoy spending time with my family. I fully accept them and the fact that they are not going to change. I acknowledge that I am in no position to judge. I also respect my boundaries and know when the visit needs to end.

It's so strange, so great to be truly thankful for all of it, all of them...warts and all.

Happy Turkey Day!

The Definition of a Fireball

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like the fabulous yellow Roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars..." -Jack Kerouac

I Think I Was Duped

I think someone pulled a fast one on me. I grew up thinking that when you find "the One," "your soulmate," "the love of your life," or whatever, all issues disappear in a puff of smoke. Or a fairy godmother soaks up all your insecurities into her magic wand. Or all the animals of the forest gather together to create a trap for your inner demons and throw them into the sea.

I subscribed to this belief wholeheartedly. So when Ex called me "the One," I assumed everything was going to be okay from then on. When things ended up being the complete opposite of okay, I blinded myself to with the notion that my fairy family member must have sucked up all my fears while I wasn't looking, which explained why I felt like shit. It couldn't have been because Ex was verbally and emotionally abusive...I was his "One."

Now I see that, in fact, relationship issues do not go away at all when you begin a cool, new one. In actuality, they are likely to rear up even stronger. A positive relationship is when you're interacting with someone who wholly accepts you as you are, calls you out on your shit respectfully, and makes you want to be a better person. Yet, if you've got issues with true acceptance or perhaps if you've never had this type of relationship before, it may cause you some anxiety...even while you are relishing in such positivity.

I'm thinking I have cause for a lawsuit against Disney.

"Scared Shitless"

I'm not going into details because of my superstition about cursing new relationships by talking about them. Also, this post may not make much sense because I am still trying to make sense of it. But I am now seeing a guy whom I really like. It's been about a month. He is a guy that I would have never even considered had I met him in a lounge or on the subway: he's really tall, very thin, and he has long hair. He's also much younger than me. Luckily, I got to know him as a person through a very rigorous "getting to know you process" via an online dating service. Now I really dig him.

Since then, we've been several dates and talked about our families, our futures, our pasts, our politics. He knows all about my life-changing event and he also knows I don't like his hair (we've decided not to talk about it). He makes me laugh and I make him dinner.

I'm completely scared shitless. We just spent a great weekend together and there was a moment when I got so scared of my feelings for him that I almost kicked him out of my apartment. The last time I felt this way...something real...it was with Ex...and that turned out horribly, see the beginning of this blog. Just when I think that I have finally worked Ex out of my system, his effects keep lingering on. Luckily, this new guy is a big fan of dialogue, so we were able to talk it out.

This isn't official by any means, but we have fun when we're together and our eyes are wide open. So we are just going to keep hanging out. And he is going to be wonderfully patient while I work out my fears.

An Unique Listening Experience

I rarely listen to Bush live because he has such a weak handle on the English language that I become infuriated a man who sounds so dumb is the leader of the Free World.

However, I'm listening to his press conference right now because many things have happened this afternoon: Democrats have claimed victory in the Senate races in Montana AND Virginia and Rumsfeld has resigned. So I really wanted to hear what he had to say.

One thing that I heard him admit to is that he lied to the press. He was just asked about his comment last week on Rummy's employment, when he said that Rumsfeld would remain for as long as he was President. Bush's response to the question today was an explanation as to why he had to lie: he hadn't spoken to Rumsfeld or his replacement yet, didn't want to upset the outcome of the elections...blah, blah, blah.

I'm glad I heard it first hand because I realized something: the press - though not BFF with Bush anymore - do polish him up when they report on his conferences. I wonder which media outlets are going to call him out on this blatant lie.

He also asked the press, "Do you think I'm nuts?" And the response was VERY nervous laughter. Of course we all know what many of them wanted to say... I'm glad I heard that comment, too.

Capturing the Flags

Before I begin...a story and cautionary tale about what you should NEVER do to anyone, especially on a first date.

I had a date with a man we'll call "Ellis." Hint: I refer to one of Joan's boyfriends on "Girlfriends." I was really looking forward to it because he looked so good on paper: interesting job, owned a dog, lived in Brooklyn, etc. However, I soon discovered that there was absolutely no chemistry. We ended up talking about our jobs...a lot! The conversation never got away from trite observations. Every time I asked Ellis an insightful question, he answered with a pedestrian response.

That wasn't even the worse part of the evening. At one point, I was telling Ellis about my cheese thing...see #3 here. He was shocked! And then he did the most annoying thing EVER...he said, "You just haven't had good cheese." He then proceeded to explain that all I need is to be taken to a good cheese shop and then I'll appreciate it. I tried to tell him that I have had good cheese...I've tasted it in several circumstances and I just like what I like. He wasn't hearing it. I finally had to put my hand on the table in a "stop talking" gesture. I said to him, "Ellis, I'm 32 years old. I don't like cheese." I think he finally got the point.

He then tried to joke off the fact that 30 minutes into our first in-person conversation, he felt he knew me enough to tell me what I like. I laughed as well...but that was only to dispel my urge to sock him one.

I was able to laugh about that event upon minutes of ending the date, but I noticed something about myself. Actually, two things:

1. I put the kibosh on his arrogant behavior. Before Ex, I would have swallowed my anger and said something meek like "Maybe you're right, Ellis." But not only did I stand my ground, but I told him that his presumptions were offending me. Yeah, me!

2. A red flag went up for me in that moment. Here is a man that didn't listen when I told him something about myself. A man that proceeded to tell me I was mistaken on a point that has to do with ME!!! We weren't arguing a point of the day...I was telling him something about myself and he refuted me. That's not cool. Worse than not being cool, that's familiar to me. And I am not a fan of repeating history. When Ex used to tell me what I felt and thought was wrong, I actually listened and felt like shyt.

So the date ended with me thinking this would be our first and last date...but then he said he wanted "to do this again." What the...?!?!?!? Ellis also said, "So you have my number....", implying that it's my turn. Whatever!

I think I will call him to tell him that I don't think it's going to work out, but only because I HATE it when guys don't call even to say that it's not going to continue. But I am happy that I am learning to respect myself more in dating situations. I still have a long way to go, but I am getting better.