Blow by Blow

I'm watching the Golden Globes by myself and I have so much I want to say, so I'm going to try to do a play by play of the show.

8:57: Elizabeth I just won Best Mini-Series. But earlier Ben Stiller presented Borat because it's nominated as a Best Film and the audience was so not settled from the commercial break. His first joke fell completely flat because no one was listening.

9:00: Prince won Best Song, but Justin Timberlake accepted for him because he didn't get on stage....WAIT A MINUTE!!! Eddie Murphy just won Best Supporting Actor in a Movie! What a surprise! I totally thought that was going to Jack Nicholson! What a shock! You can tell Eddie's shocked, too.

Anyway, I was saying I thought that Prince wasn't there because he didn't accept his award, but I saw him behind Eddie Murphy when they were showing the nominees. So why couldn't he get on stage?

9:06: I feel so sorry for those presenting right after commercial breaks...no one is listening! Sarah Jessica Parker was talking to no one!

9:09: Bill Nighy won. I dig him.

9:11: Gillian Andersen got nominated for "Bleek House." I'm happy for her. She has a life after "The X-Files."

9:14: Have you noticed how amazing the commercials are for this award show? This might be turning into the SuperBowl for ads...except for this Applebee's commercial.

9:17: Cameron looks horrible...her dress, her hair, her bright red lips. None of it is working. Which is a shame because Justin Timberlake is there.

9:19: Do you all believe the rumors that Jake is gay? I knew the writer of The Queen would win. Oh God! Peter Marber is trying to wax political...it didn't work.

9:21: Who thought of putting Tim Allen and Vanessa Williams together? Alec Baldwin won for Best Actor in a Comedy. He deserves it, but I didn't think he would win. I'm glad for him.

9:31: I get the sense "Weeds" the best show in this category (Best TV Comedy), but as I predicted on NBC's online game, "Ugly Betty" won. But you can tell that the show didn't expect it because they are genuinely happy. I'm offended that they showed J. Lo and her man when they won.

9:36: When Sharon Stone mentioned Mel Gibson, no one clapped. I can't believe his film is nominated under Best Foreign Language Film. It makes sense, but it's weird. Letters from Iwo Jima won. Eh.

9:43: The Lexus commercials are awesome!

9:46: So Prince was stuck in traffic, which is why he was late and couldn't accept his award. Yeah, Hugh for giving him a shout-out.

9:47: I can't believe The Da Vinci Code was nominated for anything! Even Best Score.

9:48: What is Jennifer Love Hewitt wearing? It looks like bronze aluminum foil.

9:49: I'm really happy America won. And Salma Hayek is crying! America's speech is pretty kick-ass. She is amazingly self-composed and she thanked everyone.

9:53: The Hollywood Insider woman who interviewed America after her acceptance totally put her foot in her mouth. What a stupid question to ask: "What do you say to those people who didn't want you to play this part?" I'm glad America made that woman feel as stupid as she should have felt.

10:00: Tom Hanks just said "balls." Tee hee. He makes drunk look so fun! Warren Beatty has really done some amazing work. He is a good actor, isn't he? Bulworth was a great film, I don't care what anyone says. And Reds, though long, was also a great flick.

10:10: I can't believe they are playing a Madonna song over a montage of Warren's movie clips. That's just tacky.

10:12: I think Warren is drunk. His shtick is funny in concept, just not in execution.

10:15: Warren's speech needs to end now. It's officially boring. His ode to Annette was touching, but it didn't make any sense. How can his wife make him feel like a newcomer?

10:20: FINALLY! Martin won...something! Anything! The Departed was a fun flick! I don't think it will win Best Picture, but I'm glad he won Best Director.

10:28: I can't believe Sasha Baron Cohen won! I'm proud of the Hollywood Foreign Press. I can't type right now...I just have to listen to that fine ass man talk. Goddamn he's fine, especially when he talks with that fantastic accent! I don't care if he's talking about balls in his face. He is SO fine! JKR, baby! He's so funny...and FINE! That tarty redhead doesn't deserve him!

10:37: Of course Dreamgirls won. That is tacky that they cut off the producer with music. They can't enforce the time limit now, when they SO didn't enforce it at the beginning! Maybe because the producer was so flaming...I think someone should call a discrimination lawyer.

10:43: Shonda Rhimes gets to talk! Go Black Woman leading everybody! I don't like her dress, but her speech was cute.

10:45: Of course Helen Mirren won. Phillip Seymour Hoffman looked so bored presenting the award.

10:53: Forest Whitaker won Best Actor in a Film - Drama. He doesn't really have time to be so speechless...and he probably doesn't even drink.

10:56: Aah-nold is going to present the award for Best Film. Why?

11:00: Babel won. Huh. Didn't really see that coming, especially since The Queen won almost every other award. I wonder what happened to Arnold's leg/foot. I'm sorry for him that he had to say "We'll be back."

Well, that's it. I sort of lost interest at the end, sorry. These awards are getting lamer every year. We need some sort of scandal to make the Oscars interesting. Not enough actors make interesting speeches. Goodnight.