Minnesota is Where Buddha Lives

I saw A Prairie Home Companion tonight by myself. I wouldn't have minded seeing it with someone, but I'm glad I saw it alone. This way I could gush unabashedly.

One can't explain what the movie is about; there is no real plot. It just details the last taping of a radio show and the characters who make it special. Nevertheless, it is still about so much. Death, the power of art, family, the way of life that is uniquely Minnesota's. Garrison Keillor, playing "GK," has a very zen attitude toward everything. I think he's meant to embody the essence of Minnesotans. When a character dies and he refuses to acknowledge it during the broadcast, a character screams at him, "What if it were you? Wouldn't you want to be remembered?" He calmly responds, "Yes. But I don't want people to be told to remember." Maybe it's just me, but that line hit me right to the core.

Another thing about this movie is that you get to see great actors at work. Any actor in a Robert Altman film better have his/her shit together...that is doubly true for this film. Altman's style relies heavily on improvisation. Combine that with the subject matter - a radio show that relies heavily on improvisation - and you better be a pro. My favorite times during the film were watching two dynamic actors just being their characters with each other. Lily Tomlin and Meryl Streep were amazing together! It was part of Lindsay Lohan's character to absorb all that was happening between those two, however you could see Lindsay the actor paying attention as much as her character was. Woody Harrelson and John C. Reilly were having so much FUN together...it was joy to watch!

It is quite an existential movie...Virginia Madsen plays an angel of death...but it was also very funny. The funniest moments were when the movie was celebrating and poking fun at Minnesotans. The way its people skirt right over uncomfortable or painful topics, the way everything can be solved with some sort of food, the VERY dry sense of humor.

Rhonda, after listening to her niece read a poem about suicide by sticking a hose in the tailpipe of a car: I'm not letting you borrow my car anymore!

Watching this movie felt like the radio show was giving me a big hug.

Time to Retire

I would love calves like the dude in this picture.

I went running this morning at around 7:30 am. I had to do it that early because the heat becomes unbearable if one waits later in the day. I see people running in the middle of the afternoon and I always wonder...why? The entire time, I kept hearing, You're a fool, L. Britt. You should be in bed. Fortunately, I was able to turn up my iPod to drown out that nagging voice, and I finished my run.

I think it's time to retire my sneakers. My shins, ankles and knees are feeling the road in a way they shouldn't. I have to admit, I'm feeling a bit blue about this. These are the sneakers that I ran the Marathon in. They are the first sneakers that I was professionally fitted for. These are the first sneakers I bought in a specialty store, and not at the local Modell's. I am very proud of the fact that I've put in the requisite miles to wear them out, but I will miss them.

Goodbye, my dear Sauconys... :(

Don't Mess with Me...I'm Crrraaazzzay!

It's official...when I have PMS, I am crazy. I know it is very taboo for a woman to admit this out loud, but I cannot deny it. Let's see all the ways I have lost my mind in the past two days:

1. I've seriously considered quitting my job, for no reason. Just because "I'm sick of it all." And I actually like my job.
2. I started and cancelled a membership to Match.com.
3. I got into an email fight with someone off of said website because I didn't want to call him. I didn't want to call you, Henry, because you are UGLY!
4. All I wanted yesterday for dinner was McDonald's and a bottle of wine. I got neither.
5. I feel fat. Not just untoned, not just bloated, but straight up fat. Not only that, but I feel like I will never be in shape again, no matter what I do. I did exercise this morning. See the Kathy Smith post below.
6. I stopped seeing a guy I had seen a few times. Actually, that was for the best. He told me from the jump that he wasn't looking to commit to anyone and we only hung out once every couple of weeks. I thought I would be cool with that...until he discovered how great I am, of course. I wasn't cool with it at all, so we went back to being friends.
7. I feel depressed. I am learning that this is probably going to be a part of my PMS from now on. I'm not going to freak out about it too much. It always passes.

So, does anyone have any natural remedies for the PMS crazies? I'm not down with any prescription meds, but a nice tea would be lovely.

Why Isn't Barack My Husband?

Doesn't he know I would happily move to Washington to be by his side while he makes important decisions for our country? Isn't he aware of how I would greet him every night with his favorite drink, a home-cooked meal, all while wearing a negligee? That I would gently stroke his head while he tells me his frustrations with the Beltway Bureaucracy? Alas...

I'll have to settle for the Barack Obama podcasts. Yes, my friend...he has a podcast that you can download from iTunes. They are short and intimate...like he's talking just to me! Seriously though, he talks in plain English about life in Washington and how Congress is or is not dealing with the issues of the day.

The best thing about these little chats is that he gives concrete examples of how he's dealing with said issues. He talks about the process of getting a bill passed, about ideas he has for education reform, etc. Real, tangible ideas. Can you imagine?

Please Watch TV Tonight!

I know it's the first day of summer and instinct is telling you...Go outside! Eat and drink overpriced cocktails in an outdoor cafe! But I beg you...

DON'T DO IT!

Instead, watch a thrilling and beautiful documentary tonight on PBS entitled, Beyond the Steps: Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater.

Actually...I don't know first hand that it is thrilling and beautiful, but Tuckergurl saw it and she has a very good eye for documentary...since she is a woman who works in the medium. So I trust her unbiased opinion implicitly.

Actually...her opinion isn't exactly unbiased since she was the Line Producer on the film. Nevertheless...she is also a person who is brutally honest, so if it were crap, she would tell me. And she didn't say that at all! Instead she said it was thrilling and beautiful. And so for that reason ALONE, I am going to watch it.

Actually...it's not for that reason alone. I'm also going to watch it because I helped make the movie in a small way. Last year, when the production crew needed to get to the airport...I'm not going to tell you why. You'll have to see the movie!...I was able to get them out of a pickle and get them to JFK in plenty of time. It was a blast, and I got to eat at an Olive Garden!

So the moral of this post is...just in case you've lost track...is that you should tune into your local PBS station tonight at 8pm and watch a beautiful and thrilling documentary about the Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater. Then, go and drink overpriced cocktails outside.

P.S. I dedicate my use of all caps and bold lettering to The Hum Drum Chronicles.

I Heart Kathy Smith

Isn't she cute?

Actually, I dig her because of her workout tapes and DVDs. Especially the Kickboxing Workout. This workout will kick your ass and she is not that annoying. She doesn't do that, "You can do it! Keep going!" every five seconds. I've had it for years, know the routine inside and out, and I'm still sweating like a pig by the end of it. It's so good that even she gets winded! Since I've had it for so long, I've been able to pick out all the bloopers...that part is fun. I alternate this DVD with running so that I am working on muscle tone at the same time that I'm keeping my heart rate up.

If you want to really sweat...and you're single...and want a workout in your home, pick up this DVD. It will work you.

A Different Kind of Kindred Spirit

There is the kind of kindred spirit you meet and with whom you connect instantly. A person who you spend 10 minutes with and feel like you've known all your life.

Then there's another kind of kindred spirit. A person who you don't know as well as your own shadow, but instead someone who compliments you in how they are different. Someone whom don't know instantly, but as you get to know them, the more you learn about yourself. You trust them because they have insight into your life in a new, yet respectful way.

I have a friend who's like that. Though I haven't known her very long, she inspires me in such a way where there is no envy, only support. I know there are so many stories left to tell each other, and there is no rush.

She just made my weekend. We had a great brunch, shared a great deal of TMI, and came up with hilarious and inappropriate nicknames. Good times...

Saturday is a Fascinating TV Day

When I'm not ready to start my day, I roll out of bed, head to my living room and turn on the TV. And there I see the most fascinating things. Like the Rock Paper Scissors Championship. People from all over the country compete in Las Vegas for $50,000. On this show, they have commentators, a host, a umpire, even an audience that screams and cheers like they are at the NBA Finals. I've never seen anything like it. I don't really have any words for it.

Hope is Exhausting

Did you know that I don't discuss my love life - or lack thereof - with my friends anymore? One of them told me once that she doesn't know how to react when I tell her about men I'm interested in; she doesn't know how excited she should get. I can't blame her really...with my track record, I wouldn't trust my taste in men either.

I've decided not to talk about "potential" men until I know something is really happening...whatever that means. I feel sad that I can't gush...it is after all one of the best things about being a woman...but I don't trust myself any more than my friends do. Whenever I open my big mouth, nothing comes of it.

I mentioned in a previous post that I felt like I was losing hope in finding someone special. What I didn't know was that it would take so long for hope to die...I wish it would hurry up already. It's tiring to be cynical and interested at the same time.

Proof that L. Britt is Getting Old

This weekend was whirlwind. The thing is, it really wasn't that whirlwind. It just felt like it. Which is a clear sign that I'm getting old. The facts that I was on the road from Thursday to Sunday, that I was in three cities in one day, and that Ella's luggage was bigger than mine didn't help. However, the entire time that I was sleeping in a strange bed, I kept thinking how I couldn't wait to get into my own. By the time I got home, I had never been so happy to see a couch in my life.

I came to the realization that exercise is no longer an option for me. If I don't want to have a body like my mother's...a lovely woman, just on the rotund side...I am going to have to do something that actually increases my heart rate almost every day. There is no other option. Cutting out soda...which I have done...is SO not enough.

I went to bed at 10pm last night. I finished watching the season premiere of "The Closer"...such a good show...didn't really want to watch anything else, so I went to bed and was glad about it.

See what I mean?

A Really Cool Website

My mom sends mass emails all the time. They are usually cheezy inspirational messages that blackmail you into sending it out to 10 other people or your life will go to hell. My first instinct is to delete them.

However, this morning the email was only a link to a website and instructions to move the cursor around and click your mouse every once in a while.

So I went to the website and did what I was told and it was a lot of fun. Check it out!

Happy Birthday, Mr. Nelson!

Today is Prince's birthday. The radio station I listen to during the day played Prince almost all day and on my way home I listened to all the Prince I had on my iPod. It was fun to honor him in this way.

It's also a great relief. I remember always wondering who the great pop musicians of my generation are. The definition of a great pop musician to me is one who will last through generations; the way that we still listen to The Beatles, or Jackson 5, or The Supremes. I've always wondered if my grandchildren will listen to the same music that I listen to. Britney Spears...maybe not. But Prince...most definitely.

L. Britt's Embarrassing Comment #236

I loved "Dawson's Creek." Even when it "jumped the shark," I still watched. And I'm telling you, if anyone wants to see chemistry on camera...just watch Katie Holmes and Joshua Jackson interact as Joey and Pacey. They were hot together.

There. I said it.

What Makes a Movie Great

I own In Her Shoes. It's not a movie I meant to own. I mean, I liked it when I saw it in the theatre, but most of the films I own are ones I loved when I was a teenager. But this flick I got as part of a 2 for $20 deal at a Blockbuster store.

Anywhoo, I watched it this afternoon because I was sick of watching the "Benson" marathon on TV Land. And it's a really good film. It's subtle and funny and touching. It's really well-written and excellently acted. I know this is true because Cameron Diaz is so not annoying in this film.

This film affects me on a really deep level. I'm not quite sure how or why, but I do know it's not for the obvious themes of the movie. But I was able to figure out one thing by watching the special features that come with the DVD.

What makes this such a good flick is what makes a strong play or a fascinating piece of writing: detail and specificity. Listening to Curtis Hanson talk about how he filmed Cameron Diaz early in the movie or how he shot a particular scene or even how the art on the walls of the apartment were chosen proved to me that he cared about being specific. Every detail was specific and consistent to the characters and to the story. He created a world that was complete and there was nothing superfluous to pull one out of the story.

So now I'm glad I own this movie.

"Happy Birthday to Me!"

Yesterday was my mother's birthday. She sounded more mellow than I think she's ever been in her life. In years past, her birthday is all about what presents she's getting and how that translates to love of her. When I can't get her a nice big gift...like this year...I always feel guilty.

For some reason this year, she didn't seem to care. One of her daughters made her breakfast and another one brought home pizza for dinner. She got a phone call from me and a email that expressed my appreciation for her this past year. I think that's about it. And she sounded perfectly content.

I have been pondering what made this year different...and I think I figured it out. Instead of expecting the perfect presents from other people, my mom gave them to herself. For instance,

• She didn't do anything on her birthday except rent a movie. She didn't run errands, didn't shuttle people around, didn't "catch up" on stuff around the house. She just relaxed all day.
• She made phone calls. She called all the friends that she hadn't spoken to in a long time, instead of waiting for them to call her. The joy comes from the conversation, so who cares who picks up the phone first. One of her friends said, "Happy Birthday! Thanks for calling!"
  
• She exercised. Today she did a 10K walk for charity with some people she works with. It's her second long walk and she really enjoyed taking care of her body and taking exercising seriously. She had done research on proper walking technique and was sharing her knowledge. I talked to her immediately after and she sounded great.

My mom continues to inspire me...even on her birthday. Happy Birthday Mom!

Poetry Does Not Belong Everywhere

It's Saturday morning and I'm in the process of getting myself motivated to do something on this incredibly gray day. So I'm watching Disturbing Behavior on TNT...very inspirational.

Anywhoo...during one of the commercial breaks, I see a commercial for the Lincoln Zephyr. It's got a sleek black family driving around Harlem with glimpses of the neighborhood during the Harlem Renaissance. So it's the whole modern classic thing, old with the new...blah, blah, blah. The disturbing part is the soundtrack uses some smooth jazz underneath a reading of Langston Hughes' poem, "Dream Variations."

That's just wrong, you know?

Dedicated to Single Ma

Single Ma is my inspiration on all things financial. She is also fiercely independent and isn't afraid to show it. So this post is dedicated to her. Go say hello to her...she just got a promotion!

Anyways...it's getting hot outside these days. For a dog, this can be mighty uncomfortable, especially for Ella. See how much hair she has?

So I looked into getting Ella groomed. The prices ranged from $45 to $65 for a wash, a full haircut, and an ear cleaning. Now, I wash Ella myself once a month and the vet taught me how to clean her ears once a week. So I'd be paying up to $65 for the haircut. I was going to do it, but it was bugging me. But today, I decided to do it for myself! I went to Rite Aid and bought a pair of clippers for $15. I covered my living room in newspaper, used scissors to cut her hair short, then used the clippers to shear down the rest.

The result: I gave Ella her first haircut since she's been with me. I nicked her a couple of times, but for the most part, she was a trooper. She has the attention span of a 4-year-old, but she's a trooper. Here are the after pictures. I think it's not bad for a first timer, if I do say so myself.

Savage Love Goes Political

Actually, he's been political for a long time. For those of you who don't know, Dan Savage is one of the funniest and most honest sex advice columnists out there. He is syndicated practically everywhere. Anyway, for a while he has been advocating for Straight Rights. He posits that policies of our government don't just damage the lives of gays or poor people, but actually screw up everyone's life. At the end of his advice columns he'll write about something that proves his point in a very scary way.

My friend, Daphne, emails her family and friends his articles once in a while. This time, I decided to spread the word one step further. Below is his latest Straight Rights Update. This one is very upsetting. To be pro-choice is turning into a fight for more than the right to an abortion.

STRAIGHT RIGHTS UPDATE: After tossing nearly half of last week's column away on a straight rights update, it was my intention to give it a rest. In fact, every time I write one of these I think, "Banning abortion, evicting unmarried straight couples and their children, moving to ban birth control-things can't get any worse, can they?" Oh, but they can: Not satisfied with meddling in the lives of the relatively small percentage of women who are pregnant, the American Taliban is moving to regulate the lives of all American women.

"New federal guidelines ask all females capable of conceiving a baby to treat themselves-—-and to be treated by the health-care system-—-as pre-pregnant, regardless of whether they plan to get pregnant anytime soon," reports the Washington Post. "[T]his means all women between first menstrual period and menopause should take folic acid supplements, refrain from smoking, maintain a healthy weight and keep chronic conditions such as asthma and diabetes under control... [I]t's important that women follow this advice throughout their reproductive lives, because about half of pregnancies are unplanned and so much damage can be done to a fetus between conception and the time the pregnancy is confirmed."

Color me paranoid, but ordering American women to regard themselves as "pre-pregnant" because they may harm a fetus they don't know they're carrying opens the door to prosecuting women who harm their fetuses by failing to regard themselves as "pre-pregnant." How long until "women should...refrain from smoking [and] maintain a healthy body weight" becomes "women must..." Does that sound paranoid? Well, so did a war on contraception once.

Oddly enough, Bush's Centers for Disease Control and Prevention doesn't urge straight men to regard themselves as existing in a perpetual state of "pre-fatherhood." Smoking, obesity, asthma, and diabetes could seriously hamper a man's ability to do the heavy lifting that comes with fatherhood. But Bush's CDC doesn't seem that interested in regulating the behavior of all those fat, smoking pre-fathers out there.

Gee. Isn't. That. Weird.

There is a bright side in the CDC's announcement: If we're going to regard all females as pre-pregnant, then we can, as my friend Gomez points out, regard all virgins as merely pre-fucked.

I keep thinking that all I need to do is hold out until 2008, but what if we don't make it that long? What if I have to break out before then? Because we could easily turn into an 1984, The Handmaid's Tale-esque society. And I'm a black woman, so you know I'm getting slammed first!

He's Officially Pathetic

I just heard a story on NPR. Apparently, the Rev. Al Sharpton has so graciously volunteered to be an expert witness in the hate crime trial of Nicholas Minucci, the Howard Beach resident who is accused of beating a black man, Glenn Moore, and using the N-word.

What, you ask, could Big Al testify to? What is he an expert in? Why...the history of the N-word! Yes, he wrote a letter to the Queens DA saying that he will testify to the history of that word.

That's funny...I don't remember hearing that Sharpton was a scholar of African-American history or etymology. I do remember him being a serious camera ho' who will do anything for a photo op.

He is such a joke.

The More Things Change...

So I'm back from my Reunion. I had a great time, saw old friends, reconnected with those I lost touch with, laughed, drank, danced. It was more interesting than I'm describing, but I think I'm still processing.

Something did happen this weekend that sort of knocked the wind out of me. I met a man who I've crushed on since college. Much drama has occurred with him in that time, some of which I was privy to. Due to that drama, I thought I was "over" him. However, seeing him this weekend reminded me how much I still dig him. I know there is interest on his part, but I don't believe anymore than any guy I like can like me back. So I am trying to dissipate the power of my crush by saying it out loud, like I did with my reunion anxieties. If I say it out loud, maybe it will go away.

Let's hope it works.

Admission is the First Step...

I had the hardest time falling asleep last night. I couldn't figure out why. I spent the evening getting intoxicated at a work event. It was very late at night; one could even say it was very early in the morning. I had to wake up at an ungodly hour to do all the things I should have done early in the week. Why, oh why, could I not sleep?

And then it hit me...I'm heading to my 10-year college reunion today. And I'm anxious about it. There are the expected anxieties: I've gained weight since college, I'm still single, blah, blah, blah.

And there are the bad timing anxieties...what regularly scheduled event that makes you moody and bloated would you not want to occur during a time when you want to look and feel your best? Yup.

And then there are the specific to me anxieties. Certain events this past week have brought into stark relief the part of college that was filled with bad decisions. The part where I was looking for something in all the wrong places and in all the wrong ways. The part where I spent so much energy morphing myself into someone I wasn't just to have a taste of what I was looking for. I am confident that I am not that person anymore...though she still exists somewhere in my psyche...but I'm anxious that the people I re-meet this weekend won't know that. That I'll be treated the same way I was in college. It's already happened once. I'll tell you about it in another post.

Once this conclusion came to me, I rolled over and fell asleep.

Addison Sheperd is a Murderer!

Kate Walsh, the actress who plays Addison on "Grey's Anatomy," was on "Law and Order" in 1997, playing a Navy pilot who killed her married lover who was going to expose her as being a bad pilot. I'm watching it now on TNT. I remember this episode...it's a good one.

Flummoxed

My sister is 21 years old. My sister bought a brand-new car yesterday. My sister is wrapped up with a man who is a playa...at the very least. My sister bought it herself with no help from anyone. My sister is in love with said playa. My sister's credit score is so great that she didn't have to put down a dime. My sister is going to be a senior in college. My sister has never had a full-time job that lasted longer than a summer.

I am totally blown away by the paradox that is my sister.

My Pop Culture Post

Several things I have observed in the past few days that I would like to comment on.

I'm watching The Natural this afternoon on Bravo. Everyone is in this movie: Glenn Close, Kim Basinger, Richard Farnsworth, Wilford Brimley, Barbara Hershey, even Michael Madsen. Not to mention Robert and his yummy self. It's slow, but compelling.

They are moving "Grey's Anatomy" to Thursday nights. I don't know how I feel about that. Part of the reason why I dig this show so much is because it makes my Sunday. On Thursdays, there is more of a pull on my time. Arghhh...will I not make plans on Thursday just to see my show? Inquiring minds want to know.

I saw The Da Vinci Code yesterday. Despite the hilarious review in the Times, I wanted to see it because I dig all the codes and symbology that runs through that story. However, that movie is bad. And not in a "so-bad-it's-good" way. The only part worth watching is Sir Ian McKellen's performance. He didn't just steal his scenes, he stole the whole movie. It's like Ron Howard, Akiva Goldsman and Tom Hanks just phoned in their work. As my friend, Ken said, it's like they dumbed down an already not-so-smart book. I'm going to start calling people "O Draconian devils" when they piss me off.

I also saw "Hustle" for the first time last night. I must say...Adrian Lester is much cuter with his natural British accent. Much cuter. He had this hot sex scene with this bitchy blond...it was quite lovely. Did I mention how much cuter Adrian Lester is with a British accent?

I think that's it for now.

The Way The Bourgeoisie Gets a Giggle

I'm not going to link you to a cartoon about Bush or post a mass email about the difference between men and women...I'm going to link you to the movie review of The Da Vinci Code in the New York Times.

This shit is funny!

"Girlfriends" is Back

The CW has finally released their fall lineup and, luckily, "Girlfriends" is in there. This is very fortunate because I actually like that show and, as Summer Breeze so aptly pointed out earlier this month, the season finale was an appalling ending. Now the writers have the chance to redeem Joan Clayton...and the show.

On another front, how stupid is this picture? What art director thought that putting them in white tops and multi-colored racing shorts would make them look sexy? The worst part of the picture is that everyone except Traci is wearing red heels. That's just dumb.

What I Was Going To Say...

...was that part of the reason I was feeling eh had a lot to do with the weather. Now that it's sunny, I'm feeling better. Of course, today it's raining again, so...never mind. I mean, I am feeling better, but it's not sunny.

What I have been slowly learning for the past 18 months or so is that my body is different than it was when I was in my 20s. And no matter what I do, it will not work the same way again. In my 20s, I had no problem exercising, regardless of stressors, diet, amount of sleep. In my 30s, all these components need to be just right if I want to feel motivated. And what's worse, exercise helps put those components in place. Curse the vicious circle!

My metabolism is changing. We all should eat healthily, but now I have to eat healthily if I want to function in the world with any enthusiasm. I can't go out every night without feeling completely run-down by Wednesday. This just didn't happen in my 20s.

There are other changes that have occurred in my 30s as well: I cannot settle for a job when I know that I have a career; my salary requirements have more than doubled since my 20s; I don't feel good anymore when I splurge shop, I feel good when my bills are paid (though this is a newer development); I can create my idea of home, it is not created for me.

I just wish that I could have the ease of living that I had in the 20s...physically, that is...with the knowledge and life stability I have now.

Skin Askew

All day I've felt out of sorts. Not sad necessarily, but just off-kilter. Like I put my skin on this morning, but it's slightly askew and it's been uncomfortable all day. I was me, but not me.

I swear to God, I better not be going through another depression.

That would suck.

More Great Quotes

Due to the fact that the phones and network connection are down in my job, I'm at home today. I'm watching "Judging Amy" and I just heard a great exchange.

Amy: Someday I'll find a man who thinks I am the meaning of life.

Maxine: Oh Amy, you won't find that. The best you can hope for is a man who doesn't care about the meaning of life when he's with you.

pause

Amy: If you and Lauren are up when I get back, let's get French toast at Callahan's.

Maxine: Now that's the meaning of life.

Inspired on the Subway

During the hours I spent on the subway yesterday, I read a really great poem that is part of the Poetry in Motion series. It's was so striking that I wrote it down in my journal and looked up the poet when I got home. The poet's name is Jelaluddin Rumi. He/She is a Sufi poet. I don't know what that means exactly, but I am going to find out. It still has stayed with me, so I want to share it with you:

"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
There is a field. I'll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass,
The world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase each other
Doesn't make any sense."

What a great place...

Sunday Blues

This is the second Sunday in a row that I'm feeling down on a Sunday night. Perhaps the emotional roller coaster that is "Grey's Anatomy" leaves me spent every Sunday. It's like the entire week descends on me right when I'm getting ready to begin a new one.

I guess I shouldn't beat myself up too much. Today I visited my grandmother who is in a nursing home. She is suffering from dementia...has been for years. It has been slightly difficult for me to process for several reasons. The first one being that it seemed to happen overnight. She had a stroke one holiday season and that was the beginning of the end. Before then she was a vibrant, lively old lady. Traveled often, got herself around the city, even volunteered in a hospital. Now it's a crap shoot on whether she's going to recognize me when I visit her.

As I write this, I realize that her mental deterioration didn't happen overnight...it was gradual, but her first stroke did tip the scales. My dad says that her memory is deteriorating backwards...like a tape being erased from the end to the beginning. That means that she's going to forget my brother, then me, then my cousins, then my dad. Then she'll forget how to do basic bodily functions, including how to eat. It's very sad, but since my grandmother is in the middle of living it, it's just reality...you know?

It's also strange because I was never very close to her. My dad and his side of the family are Jamaican, but I was raised by my American mother. I was "the weird American cousin" to everyone but my dad. I inherited my grandmother's bosom, but that's about it. She didn't approve that I didn't believe in God, that I grew 'locks, stuff like that. One of the advantages of her dementia is that she doesn't remember any of that stuff!

I guess that's part of the reason why I'm blue. Add that to the myriad of other stuff I've put on this blog and that can equal one sad lady...at least for tonight.

That's What I'm Talkin' Bout!

The New York Times is my homepage.

I glance over it every morning to see what's brewing. There is this new feature that lists the top ten emailed articles. The article in the #1 slot is an article entitled, "What Is the Best Work of American Fiction of the Last 25 Years?" I click on it. The winner is...Beloved by Toni Morrison! The runners up are books by mainly white men. There is one white female and one black male author. All the rest are a combination of books by the same white men.

I am thrilled about this. I'm putting racial politics into this "artistic" decision...and I don't care. Toni Morrison is brilliant. Hands down. I finish her books and can't catch my breath because I am in awe that a human being created such beauty. That her novel was picked by her peers over the likes of Philip Roth and Don DeLillo is astounding to me.

Of course, the scholars will proclaim that race had nothing to do with it. That the best novel was chosen, despite the race of the author. To them I say...DAMN RIGHT THE BEST NOVEL WAS CHOSEN!

Then I say, race has everything to do with it. Toni Morrison has mentioned countless times that her experience as an black woman in this country has informed her writing. So one of the reasons that her book is the best is because she is an African-American woman! How wonderful is that!

I haven't read the essay by A. O. Scott yet, so I may have some addenda to this post, but I couldn't wait to scream this news from the rooftops!

P.S. When I first read the article, I yelled "wheuheu!" My good friend and colleague...who's a white male... in the next office asked me what the hubbub was. I told him Beloved was named the best novel in the last 25 years. He asked me, "What's Beloved?" I audibly sighed...loudly... and explained it to him. When I told him it was made into a mediocre movie, he got it. I sighed loudly again.

Simple Math

3 days of rain + 2 weeks of lots o' work =
1 woman who doesn't want to get out of bed!

Boys and Girls...the Lesson of the Day.

TV Gets a Bad Rap

I work in the world of theatre. And in that world, a lot of young playwrights look down on television writing. It's not as "pure" an artform as writing plays. People who go to the theatre shouldn't enjoy TV...it's beneath them.

However, you'd be surprised at how many successful playwrights write for TV. And there is some damn good TV out there.

Without a Trace" tonight, for instance. This episode has a black teenage boy and a white teenage girl disappear at the same time. It lays out pretty clearly the vicious cycle of institutional racism. The white girl gets all the media coverage, thus creating more leads for her case, thus forcing FBI resources to focus on her rather than the boy. The scenes between the two mothers are quiet and poignant. And the strife between the head of the department (played by Anthony LaPaglia) and his good friend and colleague (played by Marianne Jean-Baptiste) is fascinating. She tells him, "you were too arrogant to believe that this wouldn't touch you. This touches everyone."

The episode ends with the revelation that one teenager is dead and one is alive. Anthony's character walks up to both mothers to break the news...but you never find out who died.

I think there is real art in television. Not in every show, but it's out there. There...I said it.

I Just Saw the Funniest Thing

I turned on the TV and "Good Times" was on. It was the episode where JJ gets VD. Not any VD in particular, mind you...just VD. He goes to the clinic to get tested and Jay Leno is sitting next to him. How funny is that?

Now I'm watching How to Marry a Millionaire. Marilyn Monroe looks amazing! And the woman I was named after is in it as well.

The Power of Television

"The West Wing" is a better show than even they know. Last night's episode was all about CJ Craig and what job she was going to take after she leaves the White House. But it was really about what she was going to do with her life after she leaves the White House. It was about her taking the courageous step of falling in love with Timothy Busfield's character, Danny. It was really good.

The last scene of the show was so powerful for me that I cried. And kept crying for the rest of the night. CJ spoke of her "window being shut." The window of opportunity of learning how to be in a relationship, of how to share her life. She said that window was shut, that it was too late for her. Now she's just a woman who is good at her job, "good at working." Danny, being an unreal but perfect TV character, wouldn't let her settle for that. He told her, "you are allowed to be scared, but not scared enough to run away from this. I'm not that scary." How great is that!

After the episode was over, I went on with my night. I watched "Desperate Housewives" out of the corner of my eye while I gave Ella a haircut. That show is so bad now! I cleaned up and watched "Grey's Anatomy." I don't think that show can get any better! Then I walked Ella and started crying again. I wasn't sure why, but this morning I figured it out.

It's not that I'm lonely. I mean I am, but I'm sort of used to it. It's that I feel like my window is getting so small that there's no room for any opportunity to come through. I'm not old by any stretch of the imagination, but I'm not young either. All my life I knew that I would fall in love, get married and have a family. It was a given. For the first time, I'm grappling with the notion that it's not a given...that I actually may not find a person to share my life with. I know it's sounds melodramatic, but that doesn't mean that I don't feel it. I'm losing hope...and I feel like a part of me is dying.

CJ named something that I had been keeping inside for a long time. Damn that really good show!

I Can Understand

There is a great deal of talk about Iran. Nuclear plans, its disdain of the US, its support from China and Russia, the UN's reluctance to take action, the corner the American rhetoric is painting us in, all of it. Not only is American media talking about it, but world media is talking about it as well.

As I was listening to the BBC this morning, I found myself wanting to cover my ears and sing "lalalalalalalalala." I didn't want to hear it. All signs are pointing to another military action in the Middle East and that thought was so upsetting that I wanted to turn off the radio. Like that would make the prospect of hearing about another war go away.

As I was experiencing this, I could understand why the world thinks we're stupid. It's because so many Americans stick their heads in the sand. Sometimes doing that seems better than being reminded of the state of our Union.

Don't Sleep on Avon

It's a very busy time for me at work, but I was tired of the idea that my last post was the most recent thing I've written. So here are random musings that I've had this week.

1. Avon can be cool. My mom is an avid Avon fan. She could make a killing selling it, but she just stockpiles random Avon products and uses them to stuff Christmas stockings and goody bags. I usually didn't put much stock in their stuff. However, I got a bad batch of acne that left its mark. I ask my mom for a spot treatment to help lighten the scars and she sent me an Avon product. I have to say, that stuff works. I dab a little bit on every day and the markings on my face have become considerably lighter.

2. Vacuum cleaners...who knew? I know it gross to say this but I just got a vacuum cleaner for my living room rug last weekend. I've had Ella for almost four months. Her hair was so prevalent that it was lightening the color of the rug. I thought it was hopeless until I ran my little Dirt Devil upright over the rug. The transformation was amazing! The rug went back to its brilliant color. When I dumped the canister (it's a bagless vac), the amount of hair and dirt the vac had collected was a wonder to behold. It also has an attachment to use on furniture. When I ran it over my couch, the color of my couch got lighter a little bit. Fascinating things those vacuum cleaners are.

3. Exercise changes everything. I've been starting and stopping running again. This week is the first week that I've kept up my every-other-day schedule consistently. And I must say, I feel better. Not just emotionally, but physically. I was feeling pretty gross about myself (I gained a pants size and everything was fitting wrong). I don't think I've lost the weight after only a week, but I do feel better in my skin.

4. Keeping things hush-hush is really nice. Keeping some plans to myself takes the pressure off. I know me and if I broadcast them, I would feel the need to show my progress. This way they stay precious and keep to their goal of fortifying my soul.

5. I think I've found a way to get rid of my major bills by the end of the year. This spring has taught me how lean I can live. I don't even have to live as hardcore as I have been...just a fraction of it...and I can use the income to knock out some bills that have plagued me. Wheuheu!

Splurging

I went a little crazy in Target yesterday. No...not the one near my house. That one hasn't been built yet, though I do see a lot of dirt moving around. I went to the other one in Brooklyn at got a few big ticket items that I had been holding off purchasing. Then I bought some clothes.

See, I have this thing where it's important to me to have the right shopping bags. It's totally a psychological, emotional thing that comes from shame, but it makes me feel good to have bags from stores that people don't expect me to be able to shop in. In my own insecure head, that makes me feel better as a person. However, it doesn't help my bank account. So I decided to own frugality. To celebrate when I get a dress from Old Navy that looks like it's from Banana Republic. To feel just as proud as if I actually bought it from Banana Republic.

So I started with clothes shopping at Target. I have never bought clothes there, not from any snobbery per se, but because I usually blew all my money on the household things they have. This time, I stopped and looked around. I found several nice summer tops for work and a skirt. I also discovered that all my bras don't have to be from Victoria's Secret! Target has a great selection of lingerie.

By the time I was finished, I had about $120 worth of clothes to try on...this is on top of the house stuff I had in my cart. The line for the waiting room was ridiculous, so I made a very scary choice.

I bought it all. All the clothes and all the house stuff. WITH a caveat...

I made myself vow that I would return at least half of the cost of the clothes. Not half the amount of clothing, but have the amount of the clothing purchase. So...if I didn't like any of it on me, great! I could return it all no problem. But if I liked the clothes, but it was a wrong size...that didn't count as a return because I was exchanging.

So last night, I had three piles of clothes: the keep pile, the return pile and the exchange pile. Once I tried on everything...with tags still on, of course...and created the piles, I looked at price tags and moved from the exchange to the return pile enough clothes so that I was returning half of what I spent.

It was hard! I really had to prioritize what I needed vs. what I wanted. What could be added to the clothes already in my closet vs. what I would have to create an outfit for. However, by the time I was done, I spent less than $40! A third of what I took home! Today, I have a bag of clothes and a receipt and I'm going back to return some money to my bank account.

Taking Budgeting Seriously

I have been reading Single Ma's website religiously. She is a wonderful resource for me because she is a single black female, has a daughter and a dog, and is financially stable. However, she knows first hand what it feels like not to be. Her tone is never condescending and she is constantly linking to other web resources. Another great thing about her is that she is still on the journey as well. She talks about her struggles with staying in control of her money and not the other way around. I've learned so much from her. I don't feel nearly as alone in my money struggles. Yes...everyone struggles with money, but no one ever talks about it, so what good is it to say that everyone struggles!

So, to celebrate the fact that she is moving into her first home this weekend, I am taking some of her advice. I am going to take budgeting seriously by creating a realistic one that I can live with. On a payday, no less!

I had already opened an ING savings account...leave me a comment if you want a referral to open one. You could get a free $25!...but I was putting an insane amount of money in it every month. Which meant I was always tapping into it, thus negating the purpose of the account altogether. So I adjusted my bi-weekly withdrawal to an amount that I could truly not touch. I did the same with the money market account attached to my checking account.

I downgraded my cable...goodbye, Sopranos! I paid my cable bill today and realized that I can get access to the shows I love through other means: the internet, getting the book from the library, etc. Since I can't live without internet in my home, something had to give. I'm taking two courses this summer; the time I save not watching TV can go toward other things. And I cancelled my Netflix membership. I wasn't using it at all, so why pay for it? These cutbacks aren't serious in terms of the amount I'm saving. It's only about $40 a month. But as Single Ma keeps telling me, every little bit helps. It all adds up.

And even though it's payday, I'm still bringing my lunch to work.

Toni Braxton Was On To Something

Ella and I go for a nice long walk earlier tonight. The air is cool and crisp. The sky is wonderfully deep blue and clear at the same time. As the evening air first hits me, I take a deep breath. I realize it's the first one I've taken in days. Ever since I got a notice of eviction because of Ella, I've been breathing shallow-ly.

Today I spent all day in court. Most of the day was spent waiting, but it was worth it. I came into court nervous, but prepared. It didn't go at all the way I expected, however, the lawyer representing the Board was nice...though I didn't trust her as far as I could throw her. She told me that she was impressed with the documents I prepared. As soon as I started to present my side of the story to the Court Clerk, he recommended that we try to settle.

The case has been adjourned until June. The lawyer and I are supposed to try and work something out, but Ella gets to stay until we do...or until we go to trial.

So, tonight I am able to breathe again. And when I do, I cry. Because the idea that I would have to give Ella up kills me. I know that I sound a little kooky when I say this out loud, but I love Ella so much. I don't know what I would do if I had to give her up. She has made me so happy and I am grateful that she's in my life. I know fighting for her has given me confidence and helped me heal old wounds.

I know it's not over, but I'm going to keep fighting. Ironically, Ella gives me the strength to do so.

"The Sopranos" Goes There

I just saw the most recent episode of "The Sopranos." I can't believe they did this, but in this episode, the man who doesn't drive cocks Lauren Bacall in the face to get her gift basket. It was one of those moments when you laugh and are ashamed that you laugh at the same time.

My 100th Post...

...is this one right here. I didn't realize it until I logged in to talk about how painting my fingernails makes me happy. I just finished doing so and now I feel good.

Now I feel like I should take this opportunity to reflect on blogging and the power of the post. I don't really have anything deep to say. Twice, a blog has helped through difficult times. The act of giving light to my dark thoughts weakened their power. I talked about my suicidal thoughts here in a relatively anonymous setting; it made it easier to talk about them to my friends and family. Now this blog is helping me face my financial demons and explore new parts of myself. It's also helped me meet new friends and reconnect with old ones. It's good stuff.

On another note, I'm going to court on Thursday to defend my right to have Ella in my apartment. There is no clear right and wrong, but I feel confident in my case. Ironically, I only felt confident after I spent the afternoon in the apartment building where I used to live with Ex. My friend who's a lawyer served as a sounding board for me and she lives two flights above his apartment. So I had to go to her yesterday and to discuss the facts of the case and learn about the rules of court. I had an anxiety attack as I walked to the building. I took care myself, however, and the attack went away as soon as I saw my friend. I'll let you know how it goes.

The Worst Thing about Depression

...isn't the feeling of helplessness, isn't the loss of will, isn't the inability to find joy. It's the way that it pervades the rest of your life forever. It's the paranoia that you develop, even when you're not depressed. You have a bad week and don't feel like going to work? You might be having a relapse. Is an important decision looming? You honestly can't say what you'll do if it doesn't go your way. Other people have major problems and come to you for help? You worry that you won't be able to take it all in healthily. Want a drink after a tough day at the office? You keep record of every sip and every desire of that sip, just in case it's a sign of something more dangerous. Need a good long cry? You are afraid that you won't stop.

It's the paranoia that sucks most of all. It's like you are depressed, even when you're not.

Shitty Day...Almost

It's about balance, right? That's my mantra. Today was horr-eee-blay. It was so bad that there was crappy news waiting for me when I got home. It wasn't even confined to work.

And...

My friend Melissa cheered me up with an all-around, general purpose saying. I thought about typing the saying here, but it doesn't read as funny as it sounds. Trust me though, I laughed a lot.

A REALLY cute guy checked out my Friendster page. I figured I had nothing to lose so I sent him a smile the way you can do on that site...and he emailed me back!

A dude with whom I indirectly work and have been lightly flirting was making eyes at me over the conference table during our bi-monthly meeting.

I discovered tonight that I am in need of legal advice, so I emailed one of my lawyer-friends. She is someone with whom I haven't spoken in months. She emailed me right back, told me she'd be glad to help and offered to meet me this weekend.

A co-worker said today that I'm really good at my job and called me a "goddess" for dealing with a huge crisis.

There is new life in the world today...and the life of someone I know has been changed forever because of it.

...Never The Bride

Angela called me last night and she caught me up on her life and work and stuff.

Then she asked about me...I couldn't really come up with anything. My life is actually pretty boring. Work is stressful because it's the time of year when my job should be stressful. Ella is fine...I washed her and gave her a whack-ass haircut this week. I'm broke again, but at least my mortgage is paid for this month. Nothing too exciting at all is going on.

But then I remembered that I got the most wonderful request this week. My oldest friend asked me to be her Maid of Honor. I was thrilled to be asked not just because she is my oldest friend and all that, but because she didn't want any wedding party at all. Her motto for this wedding is "Easy." She's not going to get it...at least 150 people are going to be invited...but it's nice to dream. She is slowly realizing this and thought I would be the best person to help.

Of course I said yes right away. I was thrilled to be asked. Now that the fact I'm going to be dropping some serious money and making a year long commitment to create this wedding is settling in, I'm surprised that I'm still excited. I figured that being a part of a wedding would drive the "YOU'RE STILL SINGLE" spike even deeper...and maybe it will. But I'm actually just really happy for my friend and glad I get to be a part of making her day special.

I do have good person moments...who knew?

The Silence is Deafening

Does no one else think this is a big deal? The Pulitzer Prizes were awarded yesterday...to everyone but a playwright. There was no award given in the Drama category. There were nominees, but no winner. There were jurors...interesting ones at that. One of them taught a class I took at Columbia and another was a Commencement speaker at Columbia. But, no award. What is that about, I wonder?

So I went to the New York Times to find out what it was about...but there is no article on it at all. There is an article about all the journalism prizes that were awarded and a general article about all the winners. However, in the Theatre Section, no one wrote about the fact that an award wasn't given. That's just weird.

There is a short piece on Playbill.com, which always reads to me as dinner table conversation trying to be journalism. How seriously can you report about the casting of The Wedding Singer, after all? They say that those in the know predicted that they wouldn't be a winner this year because there was no "natural choice." I have no idea what that means, but I guess I'm not in the know, because I think it's a blow to American theatre. That there would ever be a year in which the jurors couldn't find one produced play which to give that award is sad. And apparently it happened before...less than ten years ago.

Way Late Homework Assignment

Single Ma assigned her readers to answer some questions that she did in her quest to go Back to the Basics. I've wanted to answer them, but as I've mentioned in a previous post, money and I don't get along. Regardless, as I enter another broke week, here are my answers:

1. What were you taught about money as a child? That it was totally unimportant...and the most important thing in the world. Totally contradictory messages, depending on what time of the month it was. When my mom was making money, it wasn't an object. When she wasn't, it was the most precious commodity. She told me not to worry about affording college, but then had me beg the Financial Aid office for more help every semester.

2. Do (did) you have credit card debt? If yes, what did you buy to accumulate the debt? Yes, I do. It's not that much, however. I don't really know why I have it. A chunk of it is from a trip to Mexico I took several years ago. I imagine a lot of it comes from clothes shopping.

3. Now that you're paying (have paid) it off, was the purchase(s) worth it? Why or why not? The trip to Mexico was totally worth it. But my body has changed since the time when I used credit cards, who knows if I still have those clothes.

4. Do you live from paycheck to paycheck? Yes, completely. Right now more than ever. I've been trying to come back from falling behind on some important bills, which means that I'm living very leanly until the summer. Most of my paycheck is spent the weekend I get it...and most of it is on bills. Something I've tried to do these days is spend some of my paycheck on savings, so that there isn't nothing in my account...just very little.

5. If no, how long could you live if you lost your job tomorrow? Oh my goodness, I can't even imagine. If I lost my job and couldn't get another one, I would have to sell my apartment.

6. What do you spend too much money on? Why? Going out. I never want to be that person who's a wet blanket...who can't meet up with friends because I can't afford it. So I spend too much money going out the first weekend and then I end up being a recluse until my next payday.

7. What would you do with the extra money if you didn't spend it on the above? I would pay off debt...college loans, credit card debt, medical bills. I would also start paying more on the principal of the mortgage.

8. Is the sacrifice of #7 worth the pleasure you receive from #6? Absolutely not. Especially now that I'm older and realize that all those dinners out won't help me improve my credit score.

Wow...I did it. My money pattern is really getting on my nerves.

Weekend Thoughts

I don't really have much to post...I've been feeling out of sorts lately. Can't really say why. I'm noticing disappointment, both by people who disappoint me and those I disappoint. In this city especially, it seems to be perfectly acceptable to make half-ass plans and then not follow through. To say you'll call and then don't. It's annoyed me for a long time, but this weekend I had a long look at myself and realized that I sometimes do the same thing. I decided to be more selective and decisive in the plans I make.

A good friend of mine may have found her soulmate. It was totally unexpected and kind of inconvenient, but it's happened nonetheless. She is an AMAZING person, so I am crazy happy for her. But I'm also angry at the fact that life isn't fair. There is nothing on my horizon at all, and my friend has to clear men out of her path to get to the one she wants. Everyone says that when you're not looking is when it happens, but I feel like I can't afford not to look, you know?

I'm feeling kinda blah...luckily it's time for bed. And I get to start over tomorrow.

A Whole Lotta Demi

It's late...I've got cable...so I flip channels. I stop real quick on About Last Night with Demi Moore and Rob Lowe. They must have been screwing in real life because there is this montage scene where part of it contains them making love and we see all parts of Demi: her pre-boob job boobies, her curvaceous bum, even a little bit of her precious cargo...oh my my. There's a scene where there is no way they aren't really getting it on.

Now I'm watching Titanic. Say what you want about that annoying ass song...it's a good movie. You know exactly how it ends and you're still on the edge of your seat watching the ship hit the iceberg.

Keeping it In

I'm not one to do this. I usually tell all my friends what I'm doing all the time. But for some reason these days, stuff is percolating in my mind and in my life...and I don't want to tell anyone about it.

I think of my friend, Angela. She is very private about important things in her life. I had no idea she even applied to film school until she told me that she got into Columbia. And I found that out when I told her I got into Columbia. Sometimes I take it personally, but then I remember it's about what she needs, not about me. I imagine that keeping it in helps maintain the event, life change, thought -- whatever it is -- as something precious. Things get diluted once passed through the filter of other people's thoughts, regrets, fears, advice.

So I'm taking a page out of her book. Here's to keeping my mouth shut!

The Worst Movie Ever

I am watching the worst movie ever! And it's a shame because Joan Cusack and Kim Cattrall are in it. It's called Ice Princess and it is horrible. Michelle Kwan makes a cameo and I even feel bad for her. This is some of the worst writing I've ever heard. Lines like, "One more thing...skate with your heart." I feel bad for the actors in this flick. And they wonder why our youth is going to shit...it's because they are making movies for them like this one!

Addendum: It's Saturday afternoon and now I'm watching A Cinderella Story with Hilary Duff. I officially feel sorry for all 'tween and teenager girls. Not that life isn't sucky enough at that age, but now they are subjected to crap movies like these two! At least this movie isn't bad enough to dull Chad Michael Murray's hot self. He's yummy!

Interesting Experiment Day

So I visited my friend last night and she was telling me about her adventures with the South Beach Diet. She is enjoying it.

I've never been on a diet. Don't get me wrong...it's not that I've never needed to diet. I've just been very bad at it. I've been better at exercising than controlling what I eat.

However, what I have discovered as I get older is that exercise alone won't fend off those McDonald's fries.

So today, I will not eat any bread product. I'm taking this one day at a time. This impacts me greatly because I eat a lot of bread. Already I was in a conundrum because I usually get a bagel for breakfast, and I don't eat eggs. Instead, I ate some berries and a banana.

This is going to be a long day.

Faith in Humanity Has Been Restored

My faith in humanity was really tested this weekend, but then the story below happened and now I feel better about the world.

The cabbie who drove me home Saturday night was handed my wallet by another passenger later that night. He went through it to try and find a phone number or address. He wasn't going to find one...my license has an outdated address on it. However, he did find my work ID and remembered that I told him what I did. He remembered where I lived because it's only a few minutes away from his home.

So he came by my building yesterday afternoon. He buzzed the super, who knew my story because I happened to mention it I was walking Ella. They buzzed my apartment over and over, but my intercom is broken and I couldn't identify who they were, so I didn't let them in. The cabbie left his number, however. Last night, I called him and made plans to meet him this morning near his house...which is a five minute bus ride from my house.

This morning, I call his house when I get off the bus to give him a heads up. His mother answers and says that he already left for school! I was shocked! We had made plans to meet up and he was gone. I wasn't at the exact meeting point, so his mother recommended that I go there and see if he was waiting.

With pessimism in my step, I do...and he was.

The reason he had left his house early? The guy he shares the cab with found my cell phone and called him. The cabbie knew it was mine because I kept asking him if he had found a phone. So he left even earlier to go pick up my phone in order to return my wallet and my cell phone at the same time. I tried to get his address to send him a reward but he wouldn't have it.

So, I have all my stuff back and have reactivated my phone. Remember this when a cabbie is talking your ear off. It doesn't expend any energy to engage him/her for a few minutes and you never know how that conversation will help you. I feel really good today, and it's not just because I got my stuff back. The world has opened up in a weird, but cool way.

Have a great week.

Karma is a Bitch

What is it about ignorance that makes us what to fight it, no matter what?

K Lance drew me into a very heated and ugly discussion about affirmative action on another blog. It has lasted for days. Every time I went to the blogger's site, I told myself it would be last time...and everytime I wrote another comment. But now Miss Fire has gotten personal in her attacks, criticizing me for having and expecting respect. So now I am really done. Because I don't know this bitch and she is making me feel bad. So I am done. Karma is a bitch and I'm sure it will come back to haunt her.

Karma is a bitch in a good way, too. The cabbie that took me home last night stopped by my building today. He wanted to return my wallet. I missed him because my intercom is broken. Luckily, I had told the super about my predicament earlier that day, so he took the message for me.

I believe the one of the reasons the cabbie came back was because I engaged him in a conversation about the stop lights on Nostrand Ave. We commiserated about the traffic, I found out that he goes to Kingsborough Community College and lives in Brooklyn as well. The few minutes of conversation made me stick out in his mind and he went through the trouble of returning my property. My phone is gone, but at least I don't have to worry about replacing all the stuff in my wallet.

Yeah, karma!

Not a Good Night

First, the movie I've been dying to see is sold out. My friend and I settle for another, but I drop a very large amount of soda on the floor because the old school theatre has cup holders that don't hold the cups. Luckily, I really love the second choice film.

Then, I forget to call my little sister on her twelfth birthday. I remember at 11pm and when I do call her, I find out that she got sick that day...threw up and everything. I promise to call her tomorrow. Luckily, she's more mature than me in many ways and doesn't get hung up on things like when you call. Just as long as you call at some point.

Then, I go to a party that I've been looking forward to all week. I want to shake my groove thang they way that I usually do at this guy's parties. But for some reason, everyone is just drinking and standing around. No one is dancing. We leave early. Luckily, two rounds of drinks are purchased by an old friend, so I spent hardly any money.

Then, somehow, I leave my wallet AND my cell phone in the cab. I still don't know how it happened because I paid the cabbie. Luckily, I took all the cash out of my wallet before I lost it and my debit card links to a checking account that has no money in it.

I feel so stupid right now that I want to cry. I can't even call my bank because my cell phone is gone and I don't have a land line. I tried to report my cell phone stolen, but Cingular's website is down because they are doing maintenance. I've done all I can in terms of contacting people online, but I'm feeling so stupid and bad I'm just going to go to sleep.

If anyone wants to reach me, they will have to email me. Luckily, I have uninterrupted Internet access.

Tired of Trying

Do you ever get tired? Of striving? Of improving? Do you wish that you could just stop where you are and be content? That you could accept your flaws the same way you accept your strengths? Do you ever wish that you could stop needing? Needing to change? Needing things you cannot have? Needing to get rid of things? Do you wish that you could just be at peace?

I'm On The Market

Everyone does this, right? Check out their blog stats to see how many people are reading? Well, I do. I see how many people have hit my blog and where they came from. I'll even link back to see what webpages I'm linked to. So I did that this morning and this site came up. I had no idea this existed and even after some reading I don't know how it works. But it looks like my site is on the market. I can't really understand it but I think I'm growing. This reminds me of Clueless when Cher wanted to adopt Ty as their next friend and project, but Dion was against the idea. She said to Cher, "She [Ty] is toe up. Our stock would plummet." That makes me laugh everytime. Ahhh, good times...

Boys and Girls...Life Lessons for Today

I've learned quite a bit today. I want to share some of it with you.

1. Brokeback Mountain is officially taking over the world. I saw this ad on the Q train along with The Fagulous Blogger...though not at the same time. I laughed out loud.

2. I have a bad boss. He is an inspirational leader, but an absolutely horrible manager. He yelled at me today because I wasn't being enough of a yes girl. Yup, completely yelled at me and walked away from me as I was talking and said a smart ass comment. I had just sat down at my desk for the day. He came and told me that he had done something that was totally against the rules of our organization. I tried to tell him that and he yelled at me. I was stunned and caught completely off guard. I waited until he had left and my door was shut before I started crying.

As I was crying, I learned that I need to accept that he is a horrible boss and stop trying to give him information to improve. He clearly does not want to accept it and I'm going to get fired if I keep trying. So I'm just going to keep my mouth shut and only share information with people who want it.

3. I learned that for the next few months, I need to buckle down financially. Go cold turkey on pricey social events and get creative with ways to hang out for free. I am dropping over $1500 a month for my mortgage and maintenance through the spring...trying to get back on track...and that is more important than partying.

4. I learned that if I don't start running again, I am not going to look amazing at my ten-year college reunion in May. And since I'm not married nor do I have kids, I need to look amazing. So I'm going to start running again. And I'm actually looking forward to it...I miss running. It only took six months, but my itch is back.

"Rehabilitating Dogs, Training People"

It's official...I heart "The Dog Whisperer." I know that I officially love this show because when it's on I have to watch it, even when I have someplace to go and I battle myself to move away from the TV. It serves as a great resource for me in learning how to interact with Ella.

The only problem is that now Cesar is starting to wax philosophical about the human condition. He actually told an African-American woman who was insecure about her pug, "BE a strong a black woman! Remember Rosa Parks!" Today, Cesar said to the Executive Vice President of the LA Lakers...who is a woman, "I'm from a Third World country...he's from Mexico...so I have seen women being pushed to the sidelines," and "I want to see a woman rule the world before I die."

He's sort of turning into a Dr. Phil with a Mexican accent. It's kind of funny.

My Whirling Mind

It's almost one am and I need to get some sleep because I'm driving home from Connecticut and my first professional conference tomorrow morning at eight am. However, my mind is reeling with stuff. Some of which I want to blog about, some of which I want to journal, some of which I want to dish about with my friends. But because I'm so tired, I can't do any of it.

I will say that I feel very grown up right now because for three days I was surrounded by colleagues and those colleagues considered me a colleague. I had serious conversations regarding the state of our field and I attended seminars, panel discussions and lectures that were all about my field. It was such a validating experience for me. I feel empowered and strong as I head back to work.

I am also feeling like I'm missing everything. Tuckergurl came back from seven weeks in Africa and she's already painting the town red and all I was able to do was cook her dinner as we watched "America's Next Top Model." Melissa is back in New York, has already gotten drunk and had her hangover, and I haven't called her once. My other friend threw a housewarming party tonight, but only invited me at 10am this morning...actually I'm a bit miffed by that...and since I'm in Connecticut, I can't attend. I'm trying to organize a group of people to see The Threepenny Opera, but I've been working too hard to get this social event together.

I am also feeling misunderstood. Due to the fact that the conference was in Connecticut, I was able to stay with the 'rents. My stepmom (or s'mom, as she likes to be called) and I spent a lot of time talking about my emotional and psychological issues when I was in crisis last fall and winter. I'm better now, but for some reason, she kept rehashing it during this visit. Perhaps she felt it was one topic that we could connect over, but regardless, I didn't want to talk about it all the time. I would much rather talk about Ella! :) And we disagreed in terms of how we see medication serving depression and PTSD. I clearly stated my opinion, listened to hers and moved on. However, a couple of times during this trip, she brought it up again. With all due respect, it's my body, and if I want to hold off putting mind-altering drugs into it until I have to, then so be it.

I am feeling more but right now I'm feeling tired, so it's time for bed.