It's Time for Some Competition

So I'm on a major money-making kick. Trying to raise some extra funds before I don't have any time to do so. I've had some items that I've wanted to put on eBay for a long time...so I decided to post them now. The last time I used eBay was 2004.

It's gotten SO much more complicated. It's takes like an HOUR to put one item up on the site. So many steps and questions! I've put one item up and I was so tired and burnt out, I didn't have the energy to put up the rest. I'm on a cycle where I'll put one item up every couple of days...that's all I have the patience for.

I'm thinking it's time for a competitive site to launch. One that does what eBay does...just a lot easier.

Missing Limb

You know that phenomenon that new amputees speak of...the one where after an arm or leg is first cut off they still feel that limb....they can feel it itch and stuff.

I've been experiencing that all day today. You see, Ella left with my family this morning. Like I told you I would, I cried. I called TM at his family's house and rediscovered that he is not the person you invite when you want to have a pity party. Then I called Angela and got some perspective.

So now I'm feeling better, but I'm experiencing that missing limb thing. I made myself some food and kept expecting Ella to sit by me, begging for scraps with her eyes. When I took a nap to recover from my migraine, I move my legs expecting to bump into her body at the foot of my bed. I have to keep reminding myself that I don't have to leave the house to walk her for the rest of the night. It's so quiet that everytime I go in the kitchen, I look for Ella asleep in her corner. Her presence has become such a part of my presence. I'm having a hard time remembering what it was like to be in my house without her.

I'm blue.

More Death and Other News

So TM's grandmother died in the middle of last night; it was expected, but it's still sad. He's seems fine, but when he's anything other than totally upbeat, he folds into himself. I can tell he's trying not to cut me out completely, but I can also tell it's a struggle. I'm learning to simply let him know that I'm here for him and let him be.

I've been struggling with a slight drowning feeling this week. National traumas and those that have affected people close to me have left a mark on me as well. It's strange because I don't think I reacted this strongly when my own aunt died. Maybe I am reacting this strongly to my aunt's death. Maybe this is how I'm able to deal...pour my condolences onto others.

I have to say this is the first time that I have felt this blue and not completely freaked out that I am becoming depressed again. I think I've gotten a LOT better at reading my emotions. I also think of Angela's advice: basically, she doesn't critique her emotions when she gets down...she just listens. And does what she wants/needs to make herself feel better. I think that's what I've been doing this week.

In other news, Ella is going for an extended vacation this weekend. My parents are coming for a visit and they are taking Ella with them so I don't have to put her in a kennel while I'm in Jamaica. It's not quite real to me yet. When it does become real, I will cry. Goodness gracious, I love that dog!

The wedding is almost here! I'm so excited! I can't wait for this whole thing to be over. I've learned through this process that being a maid of honor is a BIG deal. You not only need to be a very good party planner, but also a therapist, a personal assistant, a dry shoulder, a jester, possess nerves of steel and a lot of disposable income. Because a bride is a creature all her own. I was lucky that this wedding would never be on "Bridezillas," but she definitely had her moments. I'm not going to say something stupid like, "I'll never be like that!" But I think it should be a prerequisite for all brides to be a bridesmaid at someone's wedding...an internship of sorts.

I am officially running out of weekends. TM and I leave for Massachusetts in less than three months. There are certain friends who have invoked the NYC motto: "Let's get together." The problem is, I need to plan those get togethers. Because I don't have a lot of time and we have a lot to do. I keep trying to tell these certain friends this, but it's hard for them to get out the NYC mindset of complete-avoidance-of-definitive-plans- in-case-something-better-comes-along. Ah well, I plan on throwing a going away party in the summer...I guess I'll see them there.

"One Cloud Feels Lonely"

Maybe other bloggers out there will recognize what I'm about to talk about...you know when stuff is happening in your life and you want to blog about it, but you just don't have the energy. Not because you are extremely busy or anything...you're just not in the right head space to write. That's where I'm at right now.

However, this has been a doozy of a morning and I just need to let it out. The quote above is from Watership Down by Richard Adams. The main characters are rabbits; it is an amazing book. Epic and adventurous, yet still intimate and touching. Anyway, the narrator says humans use the saying, "when it rains, it pours;" that's inadequate. Because often times, it does just rain. Rabbits say, "one cloud feels lonely" and that's a more appropriate saying when discussing the onset of bad news.

That's what I'm feeling this morning. I got an email from a good friend of mine...the friend that kicked my ass into getting rid of my credit card debt...that her brother died last night after a painful battle with cancer. Fucking cancer! Then I got a text message from TM telling me that he may have to fly home soon because his mother's mother is dying. Literally, I was texting my friend my condolences when I got the text from TM.

I firmly believe that death is a part of life. However, sometimes it's just overwhelming. It just feels like there's so much death around us.

The Aughts Suck!

I feel like the Aughts are good for nothing but horrible statistics:

• deadliest terrorist attack on US soil
• first war that has outlived WWII
• consecutive record-breaking summer temperatures
  
• and now...the deadliest massacre in US history.

How my heart goes out to that entire VT campus: from the students to the maintenance staff.

Please, someone remind me of something positive that has come out of the 2000s.

Family Bonding

I called my dad on his 55th birthday last week. It was a nice, funny conversation. He's not into big public displays of affection, but I know he appreciated my call.

Then he did something crazy...he invited me to a baseball game. He and my brother are coming into the city next week to see an afternoon game and he asked me if I wanted to come. So I'm going to a Yankees game for the first time in years! It will be interesting.

The 5 Question Interview, Part 3

This is officially exhausting! These come from Melissa.

1. What do you think you'll miss most about this city when you go?
Clearly, Melissa hasn't been reading my blog! But I'm not offended...I guess I am wordy a lot. I refer you all to my previous answer to this question.

2. Is there anything about your doctoral program that scares the pants off of you?
The dissertation. Because completing it is based solely on my own discipline. I don't know if I have enough.

3. How long until you think you'll tie the knot with The Mormon?
I actually have no idea. Because of our individual career goals, we want/need to focus on them. I'm actually not in a rush to get married for marriage's sake, but I am conscious of my biological clock. I want to be married before I have kids. TM and I have talked all through this, however. And we talk more about when kids are coming more than we talk about the wedding.

4. If you could change one physical part of yourself what would it be?
Oh...can I change two? I guess I would be taller. I would like to be about 5' 8".

5. If you could change one psychological/emotional part of yourself what would it be?
Hmm...nothing really. Don't get me wrong. Being in the middle of a depression is a living hell. My chest is constricting just thinking about it. However, I would not know myself as well as I do; I would not have accomplished what I have; nor would I have developed into the person I've become if I didn't have my depression to overcome and learn from. I guess I would like to get rid of the anxiety attacks, but again...I've learned so much about myself through them. I've also learned a lot about other people and their ability...or inability...to support me. I think I would be a lot more boring if I didn't suffer from bouts of depression.

The 5 Question Interview, Part 2

You can find out why I'm writing this post here. These questions were asked of me by tuckergurl. This is a very scary exercise, but you just can't turn away.

1. Have you and The Rover talked about what raising multi-racial kids will be like? She meant TM...she'd had some red wine as she wrote these.
Surprisingly no. We've talked about the values we want to impart to them and who will be the disciplinarian, but we haven't talked about the racial/cultural component. I think - without knowing it - that my dad and stepmom...who's white...are my guides. As far as I see, they don't "prep" my brother to be biracial. They face problems from without as they come up with no shame, and they have taught him about his family his entire life. Of course, they are very fortunate to live in a tolerant community, but race has never been a "thing."

So I'm hoping to adopt that philosophy. I am not so naive to think that race won't be an issue by the time my child comes into the world. As I write this, I'm realizing I believe that biracial people...of any combination...are more accepted by society that straight black people. Huh. I have to think about this.

2. If you could have any occupation in the world (other than the one you have), what would it be?
I have two answers. I would either:

• run a small theatre company of quality in a community that really values theatre, or
• be a camp counselor in Maine.

3. If you could spend a night with one celebrity, who would it be?
So many are coming to mind! Wait a minute! I'm ashamed it took me this long...Channing Tatum, of course! God, that would be good stuff!

4. What is your biggest regret?
I had one answer for this for years, but writing it doesn't seem right. Huh...again. I think I may have forgiven myself for that one. I think my biggest regret is not going through with breaking up with Ex during our trip to Miami 7 months into our relationship. I actually told him that I wanted to break up because he didn't seem to accept me as I was. But then we made up...sort of. I should have kept walking.

5. What's your favorite movie?
There are SO many. But I guess I would have to say Dirty Dancing. That one has the strongest emotional tie for me. I can remember that film in a way I remember no other.

Wish

I wish that people could read your mind, but only when you wanted them to. Then we all wouldn't have to explain so much...wouldn't have to communicate so much. Perhaps empathy would be so much easier then.

The 5 Question Interview

I got this from The Rover.

The Rules: Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me.” I respond by asking you five personal questions (I will leave these questions for you in my comments) so I can get to know you better. If I already know you well, expect the questions may be a little more intimate! You WILL update your journal/bloggy thing/whatever with the answers to the questions (please don't leave your answers in my comments unless you don't have a blog). You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the post. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Here is what The Rover asked me:

1. What will you miss most about New York?
Since I'm moving to a city that shuts down around 2am...and that's on the weekends!...I will probably miss how accessible this city is. Any time of the day or night, you can get what you need or want.

2. What was your financial turning point - the moment when you knew you had to make a change?
I can't remember what pay period it was...but I simply got sick of dragging myself over the finish line of another payday. I just got completely fed up of living paycheck to paycheck. Every time I would review my numbers, I knew I made enough money to cover my expenses and modestly enjoy myself. I also knew that I was spending money to immensely enjoy myself. That "I'm worthless" feeling I felt every time my account was overdrawn became too high a price to pay for the temporary euphoria I felt when I dropped $100-200 in a weekend.

Also, I think a lot of it had to do with what I wanted my future to look like. I didn't want to pass on to my kids the type of relationship to money that I had. So I decided I better start creating a different one if I wanted to teach them something more substantial than "don't do what I did."

3. Where will you be in ten years, and what do you see yourself doing?
Hmmm...10 years from now will be 2017 and I'll be 42 years old. I will be in living in the West/Southwest area...I'm thinking New Mexico. I'll be running the performing arts division of a university, either as the Dean or Associate Dean. TM and I will probably have at least one kid by then, if not two. Oh, and I'll have my doctorate from Harvard!

4. Do you think that TM is "the one"?
Yeah, he is. It goes beyond the love we feel for each other. It's that we have become partners as we move forward. He considers me and I consider him as if we are a team. We haven't lost ourselves, but we are definitely greater than the sum of our parts. I've never had that before. That's why he's "the one."

5. How does TM feel about your recent decision to ditch cable? Will you and TM be living together without cable?
Actually, I'm way more of a TV junkie than TM is. We are living together now actually, and I've barely turned on the TV. In that way, I'm glad I don't have cable so that I don't resent him from taking me away from it. Nothing seems to be on network TV, so I don't feel like I'm missing much. Once I'm in school, I know I won't have any time to watch TV, so not having cable still won't be a big loss. He's also way more frugal than I am, so any way cut costs is fine by him. Neither of us can live without movies, however, so our Netflix queue is plenty long.

Another Straw

There are a million examples out there of how wonderful America is. Unfortunately, these days, there seem to be two million that make us wonder if life as a Canadian is doable. This article is yet another one. It is biased...I saw that and didn't care...but it is also well-written and touching. It made me so angry, so ashamed that it took me weeks to finish it. There would be 45-minute subway rides that I spent staring at the ads rather than read more of it. I'm glad I finally did, even if the Iraqis profiled in the article love this country more than I do right now.

Where Was I?

So I get home late from seeing a great show at Joe's Pub. I dejectedly turn on the TV, knowing I've got...maybe...15 channels to choose from. I flipped through them and came across this movie. I have no recollection of this film and apparently everyone is in it: Dermot Mulroney, Rick Schroder, Noah Wyle, Kelli Williams. It's cheesy and melodramatic and packs every possible 60s reference into it to add authenticity.

Does anyone remember this flick?

Visual DNA

I found this on one of my favorite blogs. I dig this blog because the author is living a life that is absolutely the opposite of mine...and she does it with a wicked sense of humor.

Get your own VisualDNA™

Check it out your Visual DNA!

These are the moments...

...when I miss cable. This is the first weekend I'm living without cable and I have to say, network TV sucks on the weekend. It's forcing me to get off my couch and actually run errands.

In other news, I had a long conversation with my mom this morning and she doesn't want me to travel to Atlanta. There isn't going to be a burial or a viewing or even a wake. There will a small, short Catholic Mass, and that's it. There is already some drama regarding the times of my proposed flight and she is afraid it will be on top of some other family drama brewing. She just wants to get in and get out without incident. My mom thinks that she will probably create her own memorial service for my aunt when she gets back, and I'll attend that.

My family is so strange...but I'm sure everyone believes that about their family.

The Decision

So, as I alluded to in a previous post, I have decided to attend Harvard. I told them online...they allow you to reply online now. Crazy!

But the real big decision is that TM and I are moving to greater Cambridge metropolitan area together. He's going to pursue his passion...not for me to say...as I pursue mine. We're talking about neighborhoods we can afford and should we buy a car and how much space we need and how will we make sure the chores are done fairly. We're also having very difficult...for me...conversations about money and budgets. It's bizarre to be discussing these things with him, but only in that it feels so natural to be discussing these things. I think we are realizing that we're about to begin the rest of our lives. That idea is thrilling and terrifying simultaneously.

I do have to say I'm looking forward to leaving New York. Eight years is a long time to stay in a city I thought I would never live in. I will miss my friends and the restaurants and the ability to walk everywhere. But I have a million and one memories from this place to keep me warm. And honestly, I'm done...I've had my fill.

There Are No Humans Left

My aunt died last night. She died of cancer of the lymph nodes. We knew it was going to happen because she had decided to stop treatment. She first got diagnosed with Hodgkin's about five years ago. She beat it...with the help of a stem cell transplant!...but it came back. She did a couple of rounds of chemo, but she made it clear that if those rounds didn't make a significant dent, she wasn't going to fight it.

They didn't make a dent.

We just didn't expect it to happen so fast. It was only about three months ago when she told us the cancer was back and only six weeks from when she made the decision to stop fighting. Of course, my aunt is was famous for being extremely private about information that you would think her family would want to know, so we will never know how far the cancer progressed before she decided to tell her sister and brother. No one except her husband knew she had cancer the first time until it was in remission for a year.

I wasn't close to my aunt. I had issues with some of the choices she made regarding our family. My mom says the reason is we were like oil and water was because we were so alike. I don't doubt it. Regardless, she was my mom's only sister, and with her death my uncle is the only one left of those my mom grew up with. My mom is only in her early 50s. My aunt was only in her mid-60s.

So my mom and I are in the process of trying to get down to Atlanta to attend the memorial service. I do the usual web search for cheap flights....yeah, not so cheap. Then I look into bereavement fares. I call US Airways, wait for 20 minutes to speak to a real person, just to be told that they no longer "do" bereavement fares. I was in shock! They make no accommodations for people who have to travel to bury their family. Feel free to write them angry emails. I then go to Delta's website and they say they have "no need" for bereavement fares because they have some special deal where last minute flights are already very cheap. The thing is...they're not. Not at all.

Luckily, my financial life is strong enough that I can pay for a flight without using my credit card, but the fact that these airlines don't even make a nominal gesture for those grieving is outrageous. I could barely stand to hear them cry poor to begin with...now I really have no patience for that crap.

Human beings may be overpopulating the Earth, but humanity is dying fast.

On another note, I realized this morning that three members of my mom's family have died of cancer. That side of the family isn't that big. And yet, when I see all the commercials and stories about cancer, I never take them personally. Perhaps because I don't think they are talking to me. I'm realizing perhaps I have the impression that cancer...at least the cancer they talk about in movies-of-the-week...is a white disease. The black community doesn't die of cancer in the media. It dies of...gunshot wounds, drug overdoses. Or it lives to a ripe old age to give words of wisdom to "lost souls," usually white lost souls.

But cancer is a big part of my family history. Hmmm...I gotta think about this some more.

The Tally

So I've heard from all the schools I applied to. My record is 3 for 4. Not too shabby! Except that it's really 2.5 for 4. Let me explain:

I applied to Harvard, Teachers College (Columbia), George Washington, and University of Pennsylvania. I got into Harvard, GW and TC. But the thing is, TC thought my doctoral application was only good enough for a masters. When I read the acceptance letter I thought, "F*ck You!"

So that's why I feel I only halfway got into TC. Regardless of acceptances, no other school even came close to the financial package that Harvard delivered. I guess the universe is pointing me in the direction I need to go.

I went to a Harvard reception for admitted students tonight and met an alumnus who is doing exactly what I want to do when I graduate. That made me so happy!

He also had good feedback for TM, but I don't want to go into yet...you know my thing about jinxing events by saying them out loud.

Oddly Weirded Out

I made a serious decision today. No, not about grad school...more on that later. I downgraded my cable. Now all I have is basic: the first 13 channels on the dial. I made the call at work because I knew the only way I would go through with it was if I wasn't near the TV. I'm just now realizing all the channels I've lost: Comedy Central, TBS, TNT...and most sadly, Turner Classic Movies. I am glad, though. I'm going to save around $40 a month, which is money that can go toward my new laptop...my new life. I may balance it out by resubscribing to Netflix, which will still save me money.

The thing is, I feel naked. I'm afraid of all I'll miss...even though I just used cable to watch old movies and "Law and Order" reruns on TNT. I didn't even watch "The Daily Show" religiously. The shows that I am attached to are on network TV anyway. But I still feel strange. I hope I'll get used to it...not being able to flip channels will definitely free up my evenings.

The Visit

Sorry this post took so long...I was so tired this week! Last weekend was lots of fun, informative, interesting...and tiring! I can't believe all the things we did in just two days.

To bring everyone up to date: TM's parents, Roscoe and Mickey...not their real names, came into town last weekend. I was pretty much a nervous wreck the week leading up to their visit and I didn't get much sleep the night before they arrived. But I cleaned well enough so that I felt no anxiety having them stay in my house.

Roscoe is a quiet, yet intense, man. He is very singular of purpose and slightly impatient. This has served him well as an entrepreneur, but it makes it difficult sometimes to interact with him on a personal level. When he wants to tell you something, that is what he will do...regardless of whether or not you already know the information or care to know. He also has very expressive, child-like eyes, so watching his face is really entertaining. He did a wonderful job of making me feel part of the conversation, however, even when the three of them were talking about people and places I had never seen.

Mickey is a sweet woman who has a inner strength it would behoove you not to discount. She reminds me of my S'mom in that she often said things that totally surprised you for their forthrightness and power. I totally dug that. She is also caring without being overbearing. On Sunday night, when I was so tired I was on the verge of tears and could not keep up with the group, she very subtly slowed down her pace so that she was walking beside me. That was nice.

Okay, so this is all that we did in two days:

• saw the Broadway show, Company.
• ate at Lombardi's Pizzeria...so good!
  
• walked through Little Italy, Chinatown and SoHo
• went to Rockefeller Center
• saw St. Patrick's Cathedral
• saw another church on Fifth Ave.
• walked through Central Park
• went to the Met
• shopped at DSW
• ate in Park Slope
• saw a show at Barbes

Now can you understand why I was so tired last Sunday...and all this week?

All in all, it was a good time and I'm glad I met them. I have received the "seal of approval" from them both, which feels good...though since my family doesn't work that way at all, the import of it is a bit lost on me. When I meet the whole clan in July, I will probably feel it then.

Another positive result of the visit is that I feel a lot closer to TM. I can't really explain it, but TM said that he felt it as well. He said that he felt it when he met one of my sets of parents last month, too. It's an intense feeling, but very cool.

Okay, now I begin another weekend: this Sunday, I'm hosting the bridal shower and have to do all the cooking. I need a vacation from my weekends!

Is It Just Me...

...or is Daylight Savings Time messing with lots of people? I'm feeling very tired quite often. It's much better than it was at the beginning of the week, but I'm still not 100%.

Congress can't just mess with people's internal clocks like this!