Wednesday, November 09, 2005


I've been having difficulty sleeping for the past several weeks. It's not consistent...some nights I'm out like a light, other nights I'm exhausted but can't fall asleep, and other nights I'm wide awake. I should use this time to do some work, but instead I'll post on why I need to do work.

I'm going on disability in a week and a half. I'll be gone from work until the beginning of 2006. That sounds like a long time, but it's really only six weeks. (Scary! We're six weeks away from the end of the year!)
I'm taking a break because if I don't, I'm going to lose my job. I've been coming in later and leaving earlier. I can't concentrate and I'm tired all the time.

So in order to process this, I have to do all this "stuff." I already have a therapist, but I need a psychiatrist because 1. my anti-depressant that I got from my general practitioner is not working well and 2. I need a true MD to sign off on my disability paperwork. I have to write out all my job responsibilities from now until the end of the year. I have to work out with my therapist and possibly my new psychiatrist whether I can be trusted to just go to therapy or if I need to check into some outpatient treatment facility. I have to talk to my insurance company about IF they would cover something like that. Argghhhh.

I've been thinking a lot about what I will do during my time off. I want to do a bunch of self-fulfilling things. There has been this artistic endeavor that has been in the back of my mind for a while now...I would like to start the research on that. I want to start meditating with more frequency, run more regularly and learn how to cook more dishes. I definitely want to start volunteering, preferably with young children and I want to adopt a cat. Actually, I really want a dog, but the Board of my co-op prohibits them.

My biggest fear is that I'll waste my time away. That I won't be able to get a handle on all the crap that's going on in my mind and soul and that I'll be just as bad in 2006 as I was when I left. I mean, I keep thinking one of the main reasons why I'm not getting better is because I don't have room to deal with all the darkness that is in my life. At work, I have to be "on," because others greatly depend on me. I don't feel comfortable sharing all my darkness with many of my friends (though that is changing).

I'm really looking forward to a time when I don't
have to be anywhere or do anything for anyone else. I feel like I have all these holes inside of me, all these empty spaces. I just want some time to try and start filling them, to create me.

I don't know if any of this makes any sense, but that's the strange thing about can make things crystal clear even though you're in a fog.

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