Thursday, January 19, 2006

Is it Weird that I'm Not Lonely?

For me it's very weird that I am single and not actively looking to change that fact. I've been single before...I am most definitely NOT a serial monogamist...but I've always been looking for a relationship. Wondering if the guy that I'm talking to on the subway is the ONE. But I haven't thought that way in a long time.

There are many reasons for that. First, the anti-depressant I'm taking is supposed to kill sex drive. Though mine is not dead, it is at least on life support. My libido is not guiding my actions at all anymore. Second, I have been working on filling my life with things that make me happy...see my New Year's Theme post...and that actually takes up a lot of time. I've got Ella, my piano lessons, my writing and sign language classes. Third, this medication makes me tired. Last night I fell asleep at nine pm, woke up at eleven to walk Ella, then went right back to sleep. I don't have energy to be "on the hunt." Fourth, I've traditionally been attracted to men with whom I feel unfulfilled in some way. I used to feel that not being completely happy is part of compromise. I'm sick of that. Until I trust my instinct again, I'm laying low.

To be honest, I read posts by Melissa, Sweet Aphrodite and Home Girl talking about how happy they feel to be with their respective dudes and I have a twinge of jealousy. I have exes, now friends, looking to settle down...not with me...and that's a tad upsetting. But I'm not upset enough to do anything about it. I start to think about it, I get upset, I stop thinking about it.

So this is weird for me. I'm happy, but it is definitely weird.

On another note, the painting above is entitled "Independent Woman." It's by an Israeli artist named Michal Ashkenasi. I dig her work. I found her website by using Google's image search...gotta love it! Check her out.


Kelly said...

I thought I'd return the kindness of your visit to my blog with a trip over to yours. From the few posts I've had a chance to read, it sounds like you've been making lots of changes in your life. I wish you all the best with all those things and I look forward to reading more from you.

I'll be checking in. Take care!

Melissa said...

Weird can be good. I've figured that much out. I spent a long time not being me. I'm just lucky enough to have found someone who actually enjoys the real me. A high point: if I woke up alone tomorrow I'd be sad - very sad - but I'd still be me. I don't think I could have said that 2 years ago. I'm glad you're happy. That's usually a great pre-cursor to meeting someone when you least expect it.

Quel said...

I guess the grass is greener...

I am happy in my relationship, but at times, I'm a bit envious of my single friends who don't have to answer to anybody, and make decisions for themselves. I went straight from my mom's place to college to Billy's place. Sometimes I feel like I missed out on growing up and reallly being on my own...doing my own thing, you know? When my husband travels for work...sometimes weeks at a time, I actually like the alone time.

I think it's perfectly fine that you're happy on your own. I imagine I'd be too. And better your sex drive be on life support when you're alone than when you have a walking hormone tapping you on your shoulder all the time.

Sandra said...

It's really refreshing to hear another woman say she is content being single. I am too, and sometimes I wonder if that's weird, but I'm just not unhappy on my own, and would rather stay that way that be with the wrong person, you know? There are so many other things to at least for the moment, if you're happy, why rock the boat.