Friday, May 26, 2006

Admission is the First Step...

I had the hardest time falling asleep last night. I couldn't figure out why. I spent the evening getting intoxicated at a work event. It was very late at night; one could even say it was very early in the morning. I had to wake up at an ungodly hour to do all the things I should have done early in the week. Why, oh why, could I not sleep?

And then it hit me...I'm heading to my 10-year college reunion today. And I'm anxious about it. There are the expected anxieties: I've gained weight since college, I'm still single, blah, blah, blah.

And there are the bad timing anxieties...
what regularly scheduled event that makes you moody and bloated would you not want to occur during a time when you want to look and feel your best? Yup.

And then there are the specific to me anxieties. Certain events this past week have brought into stark relief the part of college that was filled with bad decisions. The part where I was looking for something in all the wrong places and in all the wrong ways. The part where I spent so much energy morphing myself into someone I wasn't just to have a taste of what I was looking for. I am confident that I am not that person anymore...though she still exists somewhere in my psyche...but I'm anxious that the people I re-meet this weekend won't know that. That I'll be treated the same way I was in college. It's already happened once. I'll tell you about it in another post.

Once this conclusion came to me, I rolled over and fell asleep.

1 comment:

Kelly said...

I'm glad that you finally got to sleep. (I've been having the same problem.) More importantly, it's great that you figured out some of the things that were triggering your anxiety and insomnia.

I hope that you can go to the reunion and stay focused in the present moment and enjoy the day. I know it's hard not to think about what was, what could have been or should have been, but that doesn't do any good. All of those "bad" decisions have brought you to where you are now and to the person who you are today. That may sound simplistic but it's true. Hang in there. :)