What Are You Looking At?

When I was a kid, the days leading up to my birthday were almost as wonderful as the day itself. Each day was filled with anticipation; they were special in their own rite as the "days until my birthday."

I've been thinking about that a lot this past week, since these were the "days before my 32nd birthday." There was none of that anticipation this time. Part of it stems from the fact that 32 is not that exciting a birthday. Yeah, yeah, yeah...all birthdays are special, but really, it's not that big a deal.

Another part of it stems from the timing of my birthday: this is the busiest time of the year for me at work, so I'm all wrapped up in projects and planning. I've also been really preoccupied with the anniversary of my breakdown. For some reason, I've been worried I'm going to relapse because the fall is coming. I don't really know why...I never connected my emotional problems with the time of the year...but I am now. However, two people who saw me through this time last year told me that I seem way more stable than I did then. So I'm going to believe them.

With all that, my birthday hasn't really been on the forefront of my mind. But today is the actual day, so I decided to relish in it and let the other stuff go...at least for today. As I contemplate stepping even further into my 30s, I notice something interesting. Instead of looking behind me and reviewing my life the way I have done for the past several birthdays, I'm looking into the future. I know this year is going to be filled with a great deal of change; I know because I'm the one doing the changing and I'm totally looking forward to it. It's interesting to not be reviewing or taking stock...I am really just looking forward to the new life I'm going to have.

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Wanna hear something cool? This morning, I told Ella it was my birthday. She wagged her tail and jumped up on my legs...what she does when she wants me to hug her. As I bent down, she licked me on my ear. I know she didn't understand what I was saying; that she was only responding to my demeanor. But I'm going to believe that she was giving me a birthday hug and kiss because it makes me happier. Tee hee.