Monday, February 05, 2007

New Déjà Vu

The Mormon and I did not have a good weekend. It started out as a bad Friday night...yes, the night of my wonderful apartment debut :(...and it turned into a weekend of things unsaid and built up resentments.

I'm scared. I don't think we're breaking up or anything, but I can't rule it out: 1) because we have never fought so I have no previous experience with him, and 2) I fought all the time with Ex and that usually ended up with me or him sleeping on a couch. Ours or a friend's, depending on the severity of the fight. That fighting broke us up eventually.

I feel scared, but I also feel confident in myself. This is a first. I sorted through my feelings and thoughts and was honest. I didn't hide/subdue/deny my anger. Of course the effect of that may be that I've pissed The Mormon off and away, but if that happens we wouldn't have worked anyway. Because I really like the new voice my anger has. I like that I can articulate my pain. I know I probably still have to work on listening when I'm angry, but at least I can speak...sometimes loudly :s.

Something else about this weekend was new to me. As angry as I felt/feel, I still want the best for him. I'm angry at The Mormon and hopes he has a great day simultaneously. With Ex, I wanted him to be hit by a bus when we fought. Or I was terrified by what I had said and wanted the soonest opportunity to take it back. Today, I don't regret a thing...beside that we fought at all...and I still want to work with The Mormon to make it better. It is this dichotomy that is the oddest for me.

3 comments:

The Rover said...

Speaking your mind is always the best. We are all multi-faceted - and anger is part of that. Hopefully you guys can make up and move on...together. (And remember, making up is always the best part...)

Melissa said...

Look who's all wise and confident! Love that about you.

vaslav said...

Hello - now is a good time to negotiate how to deal with arguments, because that is part of all relationships. If you want to work at it, let him know. I have faith that you can do it!