Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Doubting L. Britt

I am going through some shyte regarding my relationship with TM. I've been going through it for a while, but have been too ashamed to post about it. Surprisingly enough, The Rover's post about Maxine and Snapple gave me the courage. I know that I need to get the words out of my head, otherwise they fester.

I'm not sure whether TM still loves me. What's worse, I don't know if my doubt comes from him or from me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to take on a man's dysfunction. Honestly, I am in the middle of my own stuff right now...I'm starting therapy again...so I can't trust my own perceptions of things. A couple of weeks ago, I forced our relationship to the precipice and I thought we stopped ourselves from crashing on the rocks. But I feel it's been shaky ever since. There are times when we are simply cordial, other times when we are affectionate. But here's where the doubt comes in: what seems "cordial" while I'm on school break could just be "busy with work" once school starts again. I can't remember the last time he told me he loved me...although I can't remember us saying that much anyway. Our love manifests itself in action way more than words. Can you see how I'm confused?

For me, the worst and scariest part is that I don't feel completely comfortable talking to him about it. That's the part I miss most of all. TM and I have established we process discord very differently, and my need to "talk it out" ends up overwhelming him. So I've been trying to be patient and keep my mouth shut. Now I feel like my tongue is bleeding for biting it for so long and I'm turning into a nag for "wanting to talk" so much. But again, because I don't have much patience, I can't tell if TM is just being insensitive to my needs...or avoiding The Talk...or if I'm expecting too much too soon.

Of course the answer is "talk to him." But the last time we talked I told him what I needed...namely, him initiating conversation more...and nothing has changed. So I'm wondering if my internal clock is off, if he didn't understand what I said, or if he just doesn't care anymore. It could honestly be any of those options. I really don't want to be "that girl." You know the one: the girl that has to constantly process things. The girl who can't just be.

I had to post this because I could feel myself closing off from the outside world. I could hear myself lying about my emotional state to friends and family. I did that once before...and it ended up isolating me from the help I needed. It's not a good sign.


Vaslav said...

I always think that talking works, but not if it's it's done in a "what you're not giving me" kind of way. Maybe remembering to be curious - like, are you getting what you need from the relationship, how do you think it might improve? Just stay curious.
I think the therapy may in the short term intensify these feelings of uncertainty.
One thing I've learned is that people -including men - open up and talk when they feel safe, not when their answers could have a potentially disasterous effect on the relationship. It has to be fairly solid and calm to get most people to open up. Otherwise, too much potential for being hurt.
The important thing is if you both feel committed to giving it your best shot, which it sounds like he does. Hang in there with the therapy, because these issues I can guarantee you can come up in any relationship. This one has potential, and maybe that's part of what is scary - more to lose.
And people who care about you can handle the truth of how you are feeling. They don't only care about LBritt up and happy, they care about you no matter what. XOXO Vaslav

The Rover said...

It feels better getting it all out, doesn't it?

I hope it all works out...please keep us posted.

Bery said...

It would be almost impossible for us girls not to process things! that is our way to understand things in order to know where we stand. We can't simply let go! We can't simply be because we would be doomed. We would be fooling ourselves.

Believe me, I've tried it and nothing good came out of it.

Hope everything gets better!

summer said...

hopefully u've worked through these things, but here's my $.02:

Be yourself - If it's your nature to need to talk about things -- do that. Tell him what's on your mind.

Now if it's in his nature not to talk, but just to listen silently - then let him do that.

Don't start something you can't live with -- namely, if it kills you to keep things inside, but you do it anyway because you think that will work better, you may die emotionally. Slowly and painfully. I'm a 32 year old divorced chick speaking from experience. And if you die emotionally, so does the relationship. You two must find and agree on a way to communicate.

Here's one more thing I've learned recently - if you've got a man who's willing to try (tries to make you happy, tries to change little things that bug you, tries to understand you) -- you've got a goldmine.