I am going through some shyte regarding my relationship with TM. I've been going through it for a while, but have been too ashamed to post about it. Surprisingly enough, The Rover's post about Maxine and Snapple gave me the courage. I know that I need to get the words out of my head, otherwise they fester.
I'm not sure whether TM still loves me. What's worse, I don't know if my doubt comes from him or from me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to take on a man's dysfunction. Honestly, I am in the middle of my own stuff right now...I'm starting therapy again...so I can't trust my own perceptions of things. A couple of weeks ago, I forced our relationship to the precipice and I thought we stopped ourselves from crashing on the rocks. But I feel it's been shaky ever since. There are times when we are simply cordial, other times when we are affectionate. But here's where the doubt comes in: what seems "cordial" while I'm on school break could just be "busy with work" once school starts again. I can't remember the last time he told me he loved me...although I can't remember us saying that much anyway. Our love manifests itself in action way more than words. Can you see how I'm confused?
For me, the worst and scariest part is that I don't feel completely comfortable talking to him about it. That's the part I miss most of all. TM and I have established we process discord very differently, and my need to "talk it out" ends up overwhelming him. So I've been trying to be patient and keep my mouth shut. Now I feel like my tongue is bleeding for biting it for so long and I'm turning into a nag for "wanting to talk" so much. But again, because I don't have much patience, I can't tell if TM is just being insensitive to my needs...or avoiding The Talk...or if I'm expecting too much too soon.
Of course the answer is "talk to him." But the last time we talked I told him what I needed...namely, him initiating conversation more...and nothing has changed. So I'm wondering if my internal clock is off, if he didn't understand what I said, or if he just doesn't care anymore. It could honestly be any of those options. I really don't want to be "that girl." You know the one: the girl that has to constantly process things. The girl who can't just be.
I had to post this because I could feel myself closing off from the outside world. I could hear myself lying about my emotional state to friends and family. I did that once before...and it ended up isolating me from the help I needed. It's not a good sign.