Anywheu, I came to a decision: I'm done looking for lasting love. I've been dating for almost 20 years. I've had some great relationships and some shitty ones. And I have most definitely put myself out there; I really do want to get married, have kids, the whole shebang.
But it's abundantly clear that I am not good at maintaining a real relationship. And, though I may be strong, I'm not strong enough for this. My mental health can't handle this type of rejection the way it used to. Perhaps it could never handle it, but now I'm more aware of it.
I've gotten so much positive reinforcement from people who really love me. They tell me that I am great and deserve love, but perhaps I'm not being honest with them, maybe I'm not so great. Perhaps they are not being honest with me, maybe they are trying to spare my feelings. Because, for the life of me, I can't understand how if I am so great, then why won't anyone love me? The only logical conclusion is that I'm broken in some way. I know this sounds melodramatic, and I wish there was a way to present this without sounding as such, but it is honestly how I feel. There's something wrong with me...it's the only thing that makes sense.
I know that love doesn't happen the way it does in movies. There is no man who will fight and fight for me until he has broken down all my defenses and proven his undying love. And unfortunately, that's the only way I can imagine putting myself out there again.
As I write these words, I recognize them. I'm sure if you searched for the word "broken" and/or "love" on this blog you would find something, but I'm writing down my surrender here, in public, so that the next time I get the foolish notion that I want to find a relationship, someone can remind me that I gave up on that.
I think I can have a full life without a partner. I'm going to have a great career, I already have wonderful friends. I'm going to travel and have adventures. I'm brave enough to do a lot of things on my own. I think I will cultivate that bravery from now on. I will dote on my friends' children and be "cool" Aunt L. Britt.
My New Life's Resolution: to stop trying to fall in love.
4 comments:
Don't equate giving up trying to fall in love with giving up on love in general. I think in some ways love is very much tied into faith.....you can't see it or predict it but it is there. Maybe you do have some things to work out but that doesn't mean you can't be loved or aren't able to make a relationship work. Just be careful in allowing your brain to make connections that aren't necessarily true.....battle your mind in that respect.
Anon,
Thanks for your comment, but I don't follow the logic. I do believe there is love out there: my friends, family, dog, career, research, etc. And maybe there is a partner out there for me. However, it's clear that I don't have the skills to maintain a long-term relationship, so it doesn't really matter if my future husband is out there or not.
Hi, I guess I was just responding to some of your comments----". Because, for the life of me, I can't understand how if I am so great, then why won't anyone love me? The only logical conclusion is that I'm broken in some way"
I just think it's important to not draw conclusions. Maybe both people involved are broken, maybe it's the other person, maybe it is you....but be careful not to automatically put the blame on yourself. I hope that makes sense in some way. I just believe in the power of staying positive and being okay with not understanding everything completely, Maybe there is not a definite answer in this situation so don't jump to making yourself the main issue.
I can accept that you are not in a place right now to be able to put yourself out there and risk rejection...but none of us can predict the future and how we will evolve as human beings. Our wants and needs change over time.
Of course you deserve love and are capable of a relationship! That's a negative thought/feeling you should explore where it's coming from, but not believe -it doesn't hold up logically - I mean you're not a serial killer or even a Republican! And I hear that republicans have been known to find mates...
Allowing yourself to love and be loved and to deal with all of the insecurities that may inspire is a scary but bold choice you can make at any time, when you are feeling up for it.
So, great that you can make your life full by yourself !- but try to stay open to the crazy possibilities and changes that life throws our way....from Vaslav w/love ps i am not the same anon as previous 2 messages...
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