A Declaration

When you can't sleep, posting on your blog seems like the best thing in the world to do.

Anyway...I was reading another woman's blog. I found it because she comments regularly to a friend of mine's blog. This blogging world is so small. I was playing catch-up since I only recently discovered her blog and saw a post about her feeling wiggy about getting so many wedding announcements and her biological clock ticking away. I don't know how old she actually is...in the post she says she's 25, but I think she's fibbing, and I think she knows that we know she's fibbing.

That really resonated with me because I'm 31...really, I am...and my biological clock is ticking like Big Ben. I realized that my strong desire to get married and start a family was turning me into a loony person when it comes to dating. I've always been really intense anyway when it comes to dudes I dig, so mix in some maternal instinct and it's a recipe for disaster.

So I came to a decision: if by the summer of my 34th year, the father of my children is not in my life, I am going to take steps to become a single mother. I have narrowed my choices to 1. having my great gay friend father my child, or 2. sperm donor, or 3. adopt.

Making this decision has really freed me. I mean, doing it by myself is definitely a last resort. I'm still hopeful that I will find my life partner and I do still have those twinges of Is he the one? when I meet someone new. However, for the most part, it has empowered me to make better decisions when it comes to men, i.e., not sticking with a dude who's not treating me right, not putting up with bullshit for the sake of saying I'm dating, etc.

The fact that I'm low on mental energy these days also helps because I just don't have the strength to deal with any dude angst. But now that I know that I will have a child regardless just makes it a little easier.