Tuesday, November 29, 2005

My Crucial Moments...

...are right now, in the middle of the night. When I've tried for hours to go to sleep and I just can't. When I cry because I don't know why I feel this way and all I want in the entire world is for this feeling of helplessness and being out of control to end. When I'm afraid that I won't ever stop crying...ever. When I know that fear is completely irrational and yet I feel it anyway. When I would do anything to make this fear and this despair end and I can only think of one way. When I start to think about what's in my medicine cabinet. When I have to wrack my brain to come up with a goddamned list of reasons that I should find another way. When even those other ways don't seem adequate. When I think that I will always be crazy. When all I want to do is reach out to someone...anyone, but for some reason I think that he/she will either not believe me, misunderstand me, freak out, run away or any combination of the four. When I wonder how many more of these crucial moments I can take.

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