I realized that right before the holiday, a lot of medical stuff occurred that I haven't mentioned. Since this is my journal as well, I feel I should document what happened. I had two appointments on the day I left town, which meant I was carrying around all my luggage up and down Manhattan. It didn't help that I packed horribly...way too much clothing.
My general doctor didn't give me any more anti-depressant because I told him that I didn't feel like I was on an anti-depressant. True, I wasn't crying everyday, but life just felt too hard for someone who was taking drugs. So he gave me a schedule to phase out of them. He also gave me a new prescription for an anti-anxiety medication to help with the attacks.
Side note: The paper for my prescription that he gave me was quite scary. It had all my personal info on it: name, address, date of birth. And...it had a barcode. So that my prescription could be scanned into some database somewhere and tracked! I know that this must occur on some level (probably with the insurance companies), but the fact that it was so blatant...WE'RE TRACKING YOU...freaked me out. Big Brother is SO here.
When I first went to my doc about this in the beginning of September, his non-chalance was reassuring. He told me how common these medications were these days and said "there is no exact science, just trial and error." I appreciated that when I thought taking medication meant I was hopeless. But now that one hasn't worked and yet I'm feeling the negative effects of not taking it and I'm being prescribed another one, I really want someone to approach it a bit more stringently.
Anywhoo, after that appointment, I headed down to see my therapist. I needed to sign a release form so that she can send a psych evaluation to the place where I will probably begin my intensive outpatient program (IOP). Again, no names to protect the innocent. We had a long conversation about what this means: three hours a day, three times a week, lots of group sessions, plenty of stabilization work, practice on getting me functional again. It was the first time that the reality of the situation truly sunk in...this is not a vacation. I've taken a break from one job to start another. This is going to be work, hard work. Right now, the only way I can live day-to-day is if I shut off a huge part of myself and go on auto-pilot. In this program, I will have to learn to function without shutting off any part of me.
So the status of things is such:
- By the end of next week, I will no longer be taking the anti-depressant I was prescribed two months ago.
- I have not decided whether I should fill my anti-anxiety medication.
- I will probably begin the IOP the middle of this week or beginning of next.
- It's almost one pm and I still haven't gone running...the one goal I had for myself today when I woke up at 10:30 this morning.