Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Absence Makes the Heart...

Jeez! It's been forever since I've written on this blog. It got pretty busy around the holiday once I realized that I actually had to buy presents for friends and family. Then the transit strike happened and I got anxious and depressed. More on that later. On top of it all, my internet connection has been spotty at best.

But I'm back on track. I am in the middle of my last week of my leave. Last week I was considering extending it because I felt so unready to return to work, but this week I feel more confident. I need to start practicing using all the tools I've learned these past few weeks. I am feeling much better: my medication is finally stabilized although I have very intense, very strange dreams that I vividly remember, so I'm not getting a good night's sleep, I haven't thought about suicide in weeks and weeks, I'm not having anxiety and/or panic
attacks, when I do feel anxiety I know exactly what to do. Though I know that I'm changed from what I'm dealing with, I feel back more myself. It will be interesting to see what happens when I return to work.

Big news...well, big for me. I spent my first Christmas in my new home away from my family. It's not the first time I haven't spent Christmas in Boston but the other times I was traveling. This is the first time I just didn't go anywhere. I was scared of what my mom was going to say, so scared in fact that I had to email her my decision. I didn't have the nerve to say it over the phone. I would end up lying...Yeah Mom, I'll probably get there Friday night. After she read the email and called me it took me two days to call her back. It ended up being all right and actually turned into a really positive conversation, but boy was I nervous! I learned a great deal about my mom and grandmother in that conversation...that's for another post.

Christmas was wonderful. I had six friends over for dinner: roasted chicken, stir fry, mashed potatoes, my famous macaroni-and-cheese, green beans, salad, rolls...and wine. Lots and lots of wine. We all sat around my coffee table and laughed and ate and drank. We took pictures, danced to "The Charlie Brown Christmas" soundtrack, played Cranium, opened presents and drank some more. In my own mind, I considered it a celebration of the birth of my new self. I knew at the end of that night that I was ready to re-enter my life. Especially since now I have tons of leftovers!

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