It's hard to explain...whenever my therapist and I are getting close to some sort of psychological injury, usually connected to my childhood and usually one that I can't remember, I have a sort of...out of body experience. I know how this sounds, but don't laugh. I revert back to a very scared little girl. My voice goes into a higher octave and becomes very quiet. I start to look up, as if everything I'm referencing is much taller than me. And I'm always crying...always. I know I'm in my therapist's office, but it's a different form of me there. When it first happened, I would lose myself completely in this little girl and my therapist would have to really talk me back into myself. These days, the 31-year-old is a lot more present and I can talk myself back.
The fact that I have these experiences doesn't upset me in the least anymore. I understand that it's a sign of some discovery. My therapist does a good job of keeping me in a safe space and helps ground me in the present. I won't say I'm "okay" directly afterward, but I usually bounce back in a day or so.
So...this happened on Wednesday. We were talking about how the words "fear" and "scared" permeate almost all discussions I have about myself. I'm always "scared" of something or someone or some event. We were talking about how fear must have been a major emotion when I was a child. We talked about some everyday events I experienced that were actually quite harrowing. We talked about how I never thought anything of them...on a conscious level.
My therapist asked me to say something angry toward those that put me in harm's way and I became a little girl instantly. I was beyond scared...I was petrified. She started to say some angry things and I had to cover my ears so I wouldn't hear them. I was rocking and crying. My throat closed up with a pain that was so intense! My mouth would open but no sound would come out. I felt someone's hands on my neck, not strangling me, but pulling my chin forward in a forceful way. I don't remember ever being that scared...which is I guess, the point.
So now I'm nervous. Something happened to me as a child. I have no idea what it was, but whatever it was, it scared the sh*t out of me. There are the typical answers: rape, incest, physical abuse by a parent. For some reason those don't ring true for me. My parents may have been inadequate in their child-rearing, but they did not abuse me. Something else happened with someone else.
The strange thing is - and the thing that my therapist thinks is very brave of me - is that I really want to know so I can begin to deal with it. I believe that this is the reason I had this breakdown. Ex was the catalyst to face some real pain in my life and start to heal. I'm terrified of what I might find, but I want to find it nonetheless. I want to get strong enough so that I can face whatever my past is trying to tell me. Does that make any sense?