Tuesday, January 31, 2006

The Death of a Friendship

So, I had to say goodbye to a friend last weekend. It wasn't handled in the healthiest way, but I did say stuff that I had swallowed for a long time...and that felt good. I'm sad, but I don't think I'm going to miss her. I feel a little like a bitch for saying that, but my therapist believes I need to become more in touch with my protective warrior goddess within. Apparently, the warrior goddess is a real bitch.

Basically, I had to stop being her friend because she displays some of the same narcissistic tendencies that Ex did. The same behaviors that traumatized me. They were harder to recognize because she was a friend, but the effects were the same.

Now that I've got on my corrective hindsight glasses, I can see how similar Ex and my ex-friend were. They both had a hard time committing to jobs, people, a plan...yet went from relationship to relationship. My ex-friend was a serial monogamist, but would continually cheat on her boyfriends. She would gather new friends like flowers, but would talk about them behind
their backs incessantly. My purpose in our friendship was to listen to her dish on her sexual exploits, how much in love she was with a different dude each week, how overwhelmed she felt by school and life...as if she was the only one who struggled.

The last straw came when she and I met up last weekend. We had not seen each other in over seven months because she is studying abroad. We hung out for a couple of hours in the afternoon and not once did she ever ask me how I was...not once. Not a how are you?, a are you feeling better?, not even a how's work?. I specifically listened for any clue that she was interested in me at all. She knew what a hard time I had gone through this fall and winter. Instead, she attempted to make me feel special by repeating "I have so much to tell you!" and going on and on about how she doesn't know what to do with her life. There was a time when that would have worked, but it didn't anymore.

She had done a few other things in the past that really upset me, but she was always excellent at avoiding dealing with things and making one feel like it was for the best.

This time, after several days of feeling like I was relapsing, I told her about herself. I wasn't as forthright as I wanted to be...my warrior goddess is not very strong yet. I sent her an email explaining that I was hurt by her disregard and that her pattern of behavior towards me needs to be addressed. However, since she and Ex are so similar, I know that I'm never going to hear from her again. She can't get her fix of it's all about you anymore, so I'm going to be discarded the way Ex discarded me.

I'm not heartbroken by this at all...in fact, I'm proud of taking care of myself by expressing my discontent. I do feel a bit guilty for my nonchalance, but not enough to change a damn thing.

One for the warrior goddess.


Kelly said...

Congratulations for making such a difficult decision. Your emotional, physical and spiritual well-being must take top priority in your life.

Growing pains are never easy. In terms of people, some are in our lives for a lifetime and some there just long enough to help facilitate the changes we need to make. Even if we can't see it at the time, everyone's presence in our life is a contribution for the greater good of our development. That doesn't mean it makes it any easier while they're around or after they're gone.

Hang in there!

Melissa said...

You just took a big step. It's hard to cut people out who are not good for you. It just is. Even when you know they need to go, it's hard to say something honest that might hurt their feelings - no matter how many times they've hurt yours. You've just done what a lot of people don't have the courage to do. Be proud of yourself. Be happy that you're doing things that are good for you.

Jenn said...

Huge step.

The warrior goddess just gets stronger with each step taken. It takes a while but it's worth it.

I was just reading the beginning of my own blog and am amazed at how much stronger I am now than I was 6 months ago.

You go!