Tuesday, September 19, 2006

So I was Thinking...

I had myself a good cry last night. I haven't really cried over something going on in my life in a long time. I figured I was all cried out from last fall and winter. It felt good...eventually...made me feel things I had really blocked off. It also made me come to some realizations.

I realized I am disassociating from myself. I remember telling my good friend that all I can do is just want him to invite me to his town, and yet I cried myself to sleep when I felt he was blowing me off. Clearly, I'm not being honest with how I'm really feeling.

I realized I still have so far to go with my self-esteem. I can sincerely give out the "You Are Awesome" advice to all my friends, yet I can't wrap my mind around my own awesomeness. Vaslav, one of my best friends, wrote, "Now, I'd like to hear you say "I like the idea that he could be into someone so amazing as me!" All I thought was...yeah, I'd like to hear that too!

Finally, I realized that I have no faith. That's the most upsetting thing to me. I really am dying inside. I don't have faith that I will find someone. I think I seriously question the whole idea of love. Every time I see a loving couple, they are the exception, not the rule. It doesn't matter how many times people who know me say...you will find someone...I don't believe them.

And I know that I have to believe it first before it will happen. Damn my world view!

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